some questions ive had answered for me recently.. not by my choice that they were answered. but they just were.

-am i good enough? nope. i never will be worth anything
-can i ask questions? nope. asking questions is challenging the authority of someone else.
-can i get a clarification? nope. if you need a clarification, then obviously you're too dumb to live
-can i be myself? nope. cuz you're a failure.
-can i try to understand a situation involving me? nope. that is not permissible
-can i try to understand accusations made against me? nope. just accept them.
-is it possible to make my own decisions? HA. nice one.
-can you pick up after yourself when you leave a mess in my room? nope. its your room. you clean it. cuz i didnt do it.
-am i allowed to be busy cuz of school stuff? nope. you drop everything for what i want you to do for me
-can school be imporant? nope. im more important.
-can i fail school? do that and die
-am i allowed to take a nite off after a whole week of non-stop school work? HA. what a lazy butt. wants to take a couple hours off? you can have a couple minutes. thats it.
-can i make my own plans? nope. because i control you and i always will.
-can i be upset about something? the only thing you're allowed to be upset about is you not following my commands to the letter.
can i be stressed? nope. but i can be, because i hafta put up with you. so deal with it.

funny. what i thought would be a good weekend because most of the people that i miss most are home and i have a relatively light weekend, has turned out to be a nightmare from hell and this is just the beginning. when will i be good enough to just be human? the answer is never.

a slow, painful death is a thousand times worst then a quick abrubt death.

No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.

someone sent this to me. quite thought provoking. oh wells. back to cramming...

i REALLY should be cramming and doing some *ahem*nerd*ahem* stuff.. but things happen and i dun really care about my midterms anymore. so anyone says anything to me about them, oh dear YOU.. you're SO gonna get it. my brains fried. thats all i gotta say. neways, thanx to one of my gurlies.... you now have something really stupid and funny to read. its called "texas salesman". wonderful how much studying i can do.. cuz apparently im not gonna do any. ha.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people aver age 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

and on THAT note... i think either fisix or my stinking chem is calling me... *sigh* whatever.


p.s. 9 days!!!!!im soo excited!!!

In the years to come
Will you think about these moments that we shared?
In the years to co-ome
Are you gonna think it over
And how we lived each day with no regret

Nothing lasts forever though you want it to
The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you

this is all i hafta say. i dont know what else to say. it hurts. and it will always hurt. dont make promises you cant keep. better yet. dont make promises at all because they will only be broken.. and that will break me again.

look to the future. you never know what the future brings. hopefully it will be better then the last day.

may the road rise to meet you,
may the wind be always be at your back,
may the sun shine warm upon your face,
may the rain fall soft upon your fields.

and until we meet again,
may God hold you,
in the palm of his hands.

wishing you the best, always. love you.

as im working on my bio submission, silas is talking to me. and first he says "change your msn name" and then he says "you need to update" and me being me, got suckered into both. why? cuz blogging is DEFINATLY more fun then making graphs and drawing charts and answering a spread sheet with specific instructions as in put the slope in cell H3 or something dumb like that. my prof is definatly a grampa for that.

this past weekend i was at retreat. what an eye opener. i lernt how much of a paperazzi brian can be, and how much of a terrorist, in the most angelic and innocent sense, silas can be. but all in all, i still love them... just maybe not rite this instant anyways. haha. many things were learnt. some of them i've learnt in previous years, i just needed reminding. other things i always knew, but i never had it in my face before. and some of these things will never leave me.

one of these things i learnt was how to be a friend. i spent some time in real proximity with people that im not usually so close with, or even have that much in common with. i'll admit it. honestly, its hard to be friends with some people, sometimes. but the more i look at myself and the more honest i am with myself, the more i see that with me, its not just SOME days its hard to be friends with me, but its usually the case. and yet my friends still love me and their still my friends. pretty darn amazing isnt it? on top of that all, who am i to question who i can and cannot love when God loves me?

one of the lessons i've been learning lately is that its not good enough to JUST love God. we are called to do more then that. we need to love God and because God loves us, we need to love those around us. it is only through the loving of others, will the love of God be seen, and through that, the world will see and know the love of the true God. kinda challenging eh? how can we ever do this? only through God. phillipians 4:13.

one thing roy said really stood out to me. and i got thinking. you know that whole you cant love without liking? in a way, with friends, you cant be friends until you accept them for who they are. and i never really thought about it like that. but its true. and funny how the last person i can accept is me. maybe its my lack of sleep talking, or maybe its my lack of caffiene. im not quite sure which it is yet. but when i DO know, i'll let you know. but regradless of that, its all true. how can you be friends with someone if all you ever do is judge them and tell them that their not good enough? and yes. the truth hurts. but when you tell them, do you do it in love and with acceptence? or is the finger pointed and its done out of spite, or in-acceptance? what i remind myself with? SINCE God accepts me and loves me for who i am, of all people, who am i to question his command to love Him and to love others, which Jesus says are the greatest commanments? causes you to think. doesnt it.

so what else is new?
1. im bogged down with stuff to do, as always
2. im missing one too many people. see what happens when everyone just walks out on me?
3. "im a big big girl, in a big big world ..." if you know what im talking about, yeah. *sigh*

you know what? one of my best gurlies sent me this. and thanx a WHOLE ton if you get to reading this gurl!!! it certainly cheered me RIGHT up. for those of you that dont know what im talking about, here. read.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

It is time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember to say, "I love you" to your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out the non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least eight different people...who cares?

-George Carlin