all i gotta say is, will someone PLEASE go smack poe!?!??! grr.. stupid labs!!! i swear. the death of us all! *sigh* and lil boy? i WILL tell ya... twinnies.. find me... slight announcment, sides my baby gurl.. which you know about already. hmm.. what else is new.. im not sure.. but this kinda made me go :s hmm. haha.. here.

True or False: Can you guess which of the following are true or false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!
6. Only seven ( 7 ) per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
Answers: ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE

and how scary is that? *sigh* woa. oh wells.

oks.. STUPIDEST thing today.. its not even 7 yet.. and i already had a screwed up msn convo.. but this is with some weird kid that added me that i have no idea who he is.. like WHA?!?!?!? apparently i know and im trying to send him some stupid virus... so its like uhh... rite. whatever. some of the stupidest ppl are who you'll meet on line... like this stupid kid whose nice to me one minuet and super angry at me the next and i STILL have no idea who he is... funny eh? oks. heres the WHOLE convo. complete. uncut. unaltered. read it and tell me whatchya think. im thinking hes NUTS. but whatever... (and if someone knows him... uh.. sorry.. i just think hes nuts...)

{RiCkY} says:who are you
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:you added me..
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:so why are you asking me who i am?
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:i should be asking who you are!
{RiCkY} says:you emaild me
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:i emailed you?
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says: :S
{RiCkY} says:yes
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:how did i get your email then?
{RiCkY} says:i don't know
{RiCkY} says:you emailed me
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:well if i dont know and you dont know then whats going on??
{RiCkY} says:you just sent me a fucking email
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:oh oks.
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:wel... im sorry????
{RiCkY} says:ok
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:but how am i sending you an email if i dont know who you are or if i dont even know about it?!
{RiCkY} says:i dont' know i looked at the email and it was vickees@hotmail.com so...
{RiCkY} says:do you even live in b.c.?
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:no....
{RiCkY} says:canada?
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:yeah...
{RiCkY} says:oh ok
{RiCkY} says:do you have a picture?
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:who are you?
{RiCkY} says:i just want to know who you are if you sent me a email
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:and i just want to know whose randomly adding me...
{RiCkY} says:you randomly sent me a email that had a virus so fuck off
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:excuse you.
{RiCkY} says:no
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:1. im not some sick psycho sending other people emails
{RiCkY} says:excuse you for being so retarded
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:2. i dont send virus around
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:screw you

so then i blocked him.. cuz hes nuts. well i think hes nuts.. what do you guys think? like uhh... ok then... but at least THIS time, they spoke english.. which is nice... from those other odd ones... oh wells.. back to my stupid lab.. grr..

oks.. so today was a not so special day.. that is... until i get this one msg from my dear brother. he said:

"VICKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME OFF TO WORLDS
sweet deal eh?
and guess wut?
1 week for tounament.... and another week after is dad is going to bring me and mom to hong kong to go shopping"

SO not fair! i wanna go!!! but guess what? apparently i have school... stupid school! ALWAYS gets in the way of things! *sigh*.. on the up side? i'll have the WHOLE house to me. but the down side? i wanna go to hk!! *sigh* anways.. i was writting my super long huge note, in THE notebook. and if you dont know about it then consider yourself informed. and if you dont get it, then dont worry about it. cuz it probably doesnt concern you... now why does that word look so funny to me? hm... how DO you spell probably? anways.. whatever. i got this email from someone wise. that know i needed to read it. here.

The Fisherman Story
Our house was directly across the street from the clinic entrance of Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. We lived downstairs and rented the upstairs rooms to out-patients at the clinic. One summer evening as I was fixing supper, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to see a truly awful looking man. "Why, he's hardly taller than my eight-year-old," I thought, as I stared at the stooped, shriveled body.

But the appalling thing was his face -- lopsided from swelling, red and raw. Yet his voice was pleasant as he said, "Good evening. I've come to see if you've a room for just one night. I came for a treatment this morning from the eastern shore, and there's no bus 'til morning." He told me he'd been hunting for a room since noon but with no success, no one seemed to have a room. "I guess it's my face... I know it looks terrible, but my doctor says with a few more treatments..."

For a moment I hesitated, but his next words convinced me: "I could sleep in this rocking chair on the porch. My bus leaves early in the morning."

I told him we would find him a bed, but to rest on the porch. I went inside and finished getting supper. When we were ready, I asked the old man if he would join us. "No, thank you. I have plenty." And he held up a brown paper bag.

When I had finished the dishes, I went out on the porch to talk with him a few minutes. It didn't take a long time to see that this old man had an oversized heart crowded into that tiny body. He told me he fished for a living to support his daughter, her five children, and her husband, who was hopelessly crippled from a back injury. He didn't tell it by way of complaint; in fact, every other sentence was prefaced with a thanks to God for a blessing. He was grateful that no pain accompanied his disease, which was apparently a form of skin cancer. He thanked God for giving him the strength to keep going. At bedtime, we put a camp cot in the children's room for him.

When I got up in the morning, the bed linens were neatly folded and the little man was out on the porch. He refused breakfast, but just before he left for his bus haltingly, as if asking a great favor, he said, "Could I please come back and stay the next time I have a treatment? I won't put you out a bit. I can sleep fine in a chair." He paused a moment and then added, "Your children made me feel at home. Grownups are bothered by my face, but children don't seem to mind." I told him he was welcome to come again.

And on his next trip he arrived a little after seven in the morning. As a gift, he brought a big fish and a quart of the largest oysters I had ever seen. He said he had shucked them that morning before he left so that they'd be nice and fresh. I knew his bus left at 4 a.m. and I wondered what time he had to get up to do this for us.

In the years he came to stay overnight with us there was never a time he did not bring us fish or oysters or vegetables from his garden. Other times we received packages in the mail, always by special delivery; fish and oysters packed in a box of fresh young spinach or kale, every leaf carefully washed. Knowing that he must walk three miles to mail these, and knowing how little money he had made the gifts doubly precious.

When I received these little remembrances, I often thought of a comment our next-door neighbor made after he left that first morning. "Did you keep that awful looking man last night? I turned him away! You can lose roomers by putting up such people!" Maybe we did lose roomers once or twice, but oh, if only they could have known him, perhaps their illnesses would have been easier to bear. I know our family always will be grateful to have known him, from him we learned what it was to accept the bad without complaint and the good with gratitude to God.

Recently I was visiting a friend who has a greenhouse, as she showed me her flowers, we came to the most beautiful one of all, a golden chrysanthemum, bursting with blooms. But to my great surprise, it was growing in an old dented, rusty bucket. I thought to myself, "If this were my plant, I'd put it in the loveliest container I had!"
My friend changed my mind. "I ran short of pots," she explained," and knowing how beautiful this one would be, I thought it wouldn't mind starting out in this old pail. It's just for a little while, till I can put it out in the garden."

She must have wondered why I laughed so delightedly, but I was imagining just such a scene in heaven. "Here's an especially beautiful one," God might have said when he came to the soul of the sweet old fisherman. "He won't mind starting in this small body." lf this happened long ago - and now, in God's garden, how tall and lovely his soul must stand.

The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (Samuel 16:7b)

so the summary? TO SEE TRUE BEAUTY, LOOK INWARD!!! SEIZE THE DAY!!! and its kinda weird.. i never got an email that said that to me... hm... but yeah.. the story was very touching. oh! and for those of us stuck in this horid place known as "school" *shudders* this mite apply to you. haha

25 WAYS TO TELL THAT THE SEMESTER IS DRAGGIN' ON TOO LONG
1. Shaving becomes more and more optional by the day.
2. You get more sleep in class than you do in your bed.
3. You can no longer distinguish your bank balance from your GPA.
4. You actually think, "If I were diagnosed with Pneumonia, I could get a doctor's note excusing me from finals!"
5. You can't say the word "Lab" without qualifying it with some kind of profanity.
6. You spend more time calculating the lowest possible mark you can afford to get on your final exam than you spend studying for it.
7. You only wash dirty dishes when they outweigh you.
8. The tomatoes in your fridge have become sentiment.
9. The first thought you have when you wake up is "20 more hours and I can go back to sleep!"
10. MasterCard is now master over you!
11. You forget to pay rent, hydro and phone bills. But you'll do anything to ensure cable (and internet) isn't disconnected.
12. Your concept of cleaning the toilet is "Aim for the stain"!
13. Those "Train At Home For A Better Career" commercials seem like a viable alternative to your course of study.
14. Being a stand up Comedian seems like a viable alternative to your course of study.
15. Being a Professional wrestler seems like a viable alternative to your course of study.
16. Your IQ exceeds your body weight. But you're just as stupid as you've always been.
17. "Tearing your hair out" used to be a figure of speech.
18. Just about anything constitutes a healthy meal provided that you drink it with milk.
19. You are briefly convinced that your inability to get dates is actually a blessing because you don't have time for it.
20. 3 meals in one day is special occasion.
21. You memorize acronyms you learned in class and use them regularly. But have no idea what they mean.
22. You can't remember a concept you learned last semester, but you can quote word-for-word an episode of the Simpsons you saw two years ago.
23. "Catching the news" means watching Sportsdesk while eating breakfast.
24. The only thing that keeps you from causing your roommate serious physical harm is the fact that the Hydro is in his name.
25.You begin to remember high school as the best years of your life - in other words, you've become delusional
26. Lists like this actually describe your life.

and thats all i hafta say.. unless you guys want the "he said, she said" like omg. thats hilarious. that seriously made my day like a couple days ago.. and i should have it still... key word? should. haha.

oh today. interesting really. for one thing? for the last time guys.. that was HOT CHOCOLATE!!!!!! and not coffee.. i cant afford to be drinking coffee when the wedding is a week away... JZ boys! you SHOULDA known that!!!... but i guess not. oh wells. what can i do? *sigh*

and for those of you that NEED to know. yeah.. i have a lil gurl... shes 6 months old.. ask gabe. he knows all about her.. well.. "knows" he hasnt seen her yet.. but yeah.. ask him... or me.. but yeah.. ask him if you dont believe me.. and no. im not a hoe. i know who the father is... :P regardless of what you think gabe!!!! haha.. silly gabe. do i look like a hoe to you!? oh wait. dont even answer that. :P you're SOO not funny.

hm... what else is so cool about my day? JEN CALLED ME!!!!! yay!!!!! we just havent talked in so long. so its cool that she called. anways.. my friend sent this to me.. and its kinda cool. heres a list of things that people usually find makes them happy, err.. at least smile, cuz im sure theres gonna be at least one or two that will hit you in a way that will remind you of some past pain, but hopefully it will always make you smile because you're also remembering the happy times that came before the pain. here.

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!) (or strawberry)
13. A long distance phone call.
14. A bubble bath.
15. Giggling.
16. A good conversation.
17 The beach
18. Finding a 20 note in your coat from last winter.
19. Laughing at yourself.
20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
21. Running through sprinklers.
22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
24. Laughing at an inside joke.
25. Friends.
26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
28. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
30. Playing with a new puppy.
31. Having someone play with your hair.
32. Sweet dreams.
33. Hot chocolate.
34. Road trips with friends.
35. Swinging on swings.
36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking your favorite tipple.
37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.
38. Going to a really good concert.
39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger
40. Winning a really competitive game.
41. Making chocolate chip cookies...
42. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
43. Spending time with close friends.
44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
45. Holding hands with someone you care about.
46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change
47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
48. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
49. Watching the sunrise.
50. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

one thing i question is the last one... getting out of bed and being grateful?? haha.. cuz if you're like me.. you're like urgh.. class... or else.. you're like urgh.. mommy... why are you calling so early?! i JUST went to bed!!!! haha.. oh wells.. but i guess its good when you wake up after a GOOD nights rest.. which seems to not happen to me... anways. parting wishes...

1.To My Friends Who Are...........SINGLE

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

2.To My Friends Who Are............NOT SO SINGLE

Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person." It's about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

3.To My Friends Who Are............PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE

Never say "I love you" if you don't care. Never talk about feelings if they aren't there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never look in the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall and it works both ways...

4.To My Friends Who Are............MARRIED

Love is not about "it's your fault", but "I'm sorry." Not "where are you", but "I'm right here." Not "how could you", but "I understand." Not "I wish you were", but "I'm thankful you are."

5.To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED

The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how good you are for each other.

6.To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN

Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

7.To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE

How to be in love: Fall but don't stumble, be consistent but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, and get hurt but never keep the pain.

8.To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE

It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but it's more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

9.To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS

Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.

10.To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON

A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn't worth it. If he isn't worth it now he's not going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now. Let go.....

11.TO ALL MY FRIENDS.......

My wish for you is a man/women whose love is honest, strong, mature, never-changing, uplifting, protective, encouraging, rewarding and unselfish.

ANYWAY I WISH U ALL A GOODLUCK

well i dont know which one applies to you specifically.. but i hope that you're happy with where you are, becuase God put you there for a reason. rite? no matter what thingermabobber is in your way, dont worry.. you wouldnt have gotten to it if God didnt think you would live past it to tell about it rite? (hmm... is it me or does that seem very negative? hmm...) oh wells.. just remember. the road is long, the path is hard, but in the end, it is worth the fight.

i had a VERY interesting phone call today. a wise man said to me " don't give up on your friends" and then proceeded to tell me "remember what you told me? hindesight is 20/20" thanx jon {jon ting for those of you that need clarification...}. you're the best. you rock my world. some of my friends, im giving up on. i mean, why bother to explain something to them, when they already have their minds set on a certain opinion? but you know what? sure it wont matter to them if they know what im thinking... but maybe it'll matter to me. maybe i need to tell them regardless, maybe they'll understand this feeling like poultry, where food is shoved into them, regardless of if they are hungry or not... except farmers do it to poultry so that they have more goods to sell, and the meat is more tender. why are my friends doing it? ask them.

oks.... i thinki need to retract my "stupid american boys" statement. at first, it was going to be expanded to "stupid boys" but then since the american boys arent so stupid anymore, then its not all boys are so stupid rite? so i dont know what to call this.. hmm.... "stupid boys minus american boys"???? but i must say. i must stand by my "boys are stupid...throw stones at them" haha... although im sure that would hurt like MAD but oh wells.. not like im gonna be chucking stones at ppl anytime soon... you see.. to do that, you'd hafta beable to pick them up. hahah... lets just say fatty doesnt do so well in physical activity.. ahhaa..

"if you love something let it go... if it doesnt come back to you, it was never really yours"you see. thats what i finally understood fully today. ask yourself this. what have price have i paid? then ask yourself why you truely paid that price. was it because of a selfish reason? was it because of fear? or was it because you loved?

many ppl will come and go in your life. its a known fact. think of your best friends from kindergarten. think of your best friends now. in my experience? one friendship i have lost and regained is with julie. thanx gurl for ALWAYS being there. you're the best! through it all, shes always been there. but look at everyone else that was there at alexmuir? how many of those people do i still talk to? yeah. look at me and wendy's friendship. sure we went through our ups and downs, but then what relationship doesn't? some days its good. some days its bad. but throught it all, shes been there. what other of my friends from that dreaded school do i still talk to? (minus sisquo... cuz he just keeps talking to me... and nelly... cuz in his words: '[he's] very 8' haha.

many ppl will also turn on you. and im not gonna give examples, cuz im sure you have your own.. and if not.. then let me tell you im VERY jealous. but thats ok. cuz its only me. and what difference does it make if im jealous or not of you? chances are that you wont care. but its all good. rite?

i guess whats kinda going on in my head are the songs "perfect" by simiple plan, and "forever" by vertical horizon. and if you dunno what im talking about, then you can read the lyrics.

Forever ~ Vertical Horizon
Take these roses all from me
Let me live, let me be
For a little while
Let my eyes,
See everything and nothing in their time
I do not mind

Who've guess I'd learn
To let the walls around me burn
Light up the hillside
My words, I ate them for so long and nothing changed
It was just the same

And I don't know if you see me
But I can tell you your face is clear
I will see you...

Forever
Forever
I will see you
Forever
Forever

Call me close once again
Call me teacher, call me friend
Just like the first time
Call my name, it echos around me in this room
Its all you

I don't know if you hear me there
But it's dark so no one cares
I will hear you...

Forever
Forever
I will hear you
Forever
Forever

I wanted you to be everything to me
Now I've got to learn to carry on
I know I cannot hide this emptiness inside
But nothing is the same since you've gone

Send me letters from above
Send me strength, send me love
Such sweet love
Sing me songs that echo in my head and in my heart
That's where you are

And I don't know if you feel me here
I can tell you one thing that's clear
I will feel you...

Forever
Forever
I will feel you
Forever
Forever
I will hear you
Forever
Forever
I will see you
Forever
Forever

Take these roses all from me
Let me live, let me be

Perfect ~ simple plan

Hey dad look at me.
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time...
Doing things I wanna do
But it hurts when you disapprove all along.

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

theres this one quote. it says "Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." but if you paid the price of friendship...why are you paying that price? you see, that is a very high price to pay. if you choose to pay the price of friendship, let me tell you. it is a very high price to pay. one thing that puzzled me was this one quote. it says "if you think about everybody, then you'll start missing them" and how true is that. if its in your face, you're only gonna remember the horid price you paid day in and day out. i probably dont make too much sense... probably shouldnt have done a couple of things tonite... a lil too late for that... anyways, i guess what im saying is, take the time to listen to your friends. trust me. in the end, it makes this "payment" if you wish to call it that, so much more easier. because you at least know in the end that what you paid wasnt futile... and that what you did was right and that they know what you did was right. i think thats what i struggle with. but whatever. its not like it matters rite? let me ask you a question. when it comes down to it, what TRUELY matters? thought provoking isnt it?

when will my world stop fighting? when will my insides stop fighting? why is half my world telling me i did right, and the other half telling me i did wrong? we ARE told to forgive. but are we told to dismiss the pain? i was listening to this VERY old song... it goes WAY back.. and chances are you havent heard it. but yeah. anyways. its a trilogy. and one just flows into the other. VERY beautiful.

The Other Side of Me (Trilogy 1)
If they were to write about
The story of my life
They would have to mention you
With every page they'd write
There's another side to every story told
If I were the ocean
You would be the shore
And one without the other one
Would be needing something more
We are the shadow and the light

Always love me
(And) never leave me now
(And) now you are the other side of me
Always love me
(And) never leave me now
(And) now you are the other side of me

I have known the emptiness
Of feeling out of touch
And living life without you here
Would be living half as much
Cause I've a need that only you can fill

If love was mathematical
You'd understand the sum
to the heart's equation
Where one and one makes one
And lonely equals me minus you

Always love me
(And) never leave me now
(And) now you are the other side of me
Always love me
(And) never leave me now
(And) now you are the other side of me

Breathe In Me (Trilogy 2)
You breathe in me
And I'm alive
With the power of your holiness
You breathe in me
And you revive
Feelings in my soul
That I have laid to rest

So breathe in me
I need you now
I've never felt so dead within
So breathe in me
Maybe somehow
You can breathe new life
In me again

I used to be
so sensitive
To the light that leads
to where you are

Now I've acquired
These callouses
With the darkness of
A cold and jaded heart

So breathe in me
I need you now
I've never felt so dead within
So breathe in me
Maybe somehow
You can breathe new life
In me again

Angels Unaware (Trilogy 3)
Maybe there's a light in my soul
Maybe it flickers like a neon sign outside an abandoned hotel
Maybe there are things you just can't know
But can you say there are no mysteries in the house you choose to dwell
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware
Maybe there's a place where we will fly
But some say God is dead like Nietzsche said and faith has made me a fool
But maybe there is more than meets the eye
Who's that stranger there beside you? Don't be smug and don't be cruel
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Battles of the heart and of the mind
We stay caught in mental purgatory 'til our existence can be defined
Meanwhile on the shores of parallel
There may be a holy conference held somewhere discussing all mankind
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware
I say maybe we are entertaining angels unaware
Angels unaware

Soaring, somewhere, longing, reaching
Searching, knowing, loving, caring

Let me take you by the hand
Lead you to the promised land
And trust Him with your heart
He'll lead you home

some how, some way, those songs brought me back. where did it take me? i took me back to the days where life was simple. where no matter what happens, there is forgiveness... and im not saying i havent forgiven yet. for that was done a while ago... but there was no such thing as hurt. so why now? why start? why bother? if i knew, i wouldnt be asking these questions. there has to be a middle ground no?

some of you. whoevers reading this, will tell me im thinking too much again. but does it matter that the one time i actually think is about this? does it matter that one of my bestest is yet again entangled in some situation she shouldnt be stuck in? does it matter that my brother is "trying to help" something he cant? does it matter that no one is happy about this? sure some of us are more happy then others. but when it comes down to it, are we truely happy?

i remember this one sermon that Pastor Sharon gave one sunday morning. it was like LONG time ago. and for those of you with notes.. if you could turn to : _________. haha.. well.. if you really wanted to, its Oct.26.2003. but yeah. in it, she asked us a question. "what is the way of love?" and then she read 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 a.k.a. "the wedding passage". but what was different about this time? she read it in a different translation. funny how different translations make all the difference in the world. but yeah. here.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

but theres more then that. she also asked "why follow the way of love?" the answer we got? because life without love adds up to nothing. you see, no one can stop you from loving. live - love = nothing. (and thats about all the math i do.. haha) anyways yeah. and woa i know this is long. but whatever. one thing that Pastor Sharon ended on thats really smacking me rite now, is this: the way of love is the only way. i dont think im in the way of love rite now. but i know what i did is right. so if im right, then why am i not in the way of love?

so yesterday. not the song. but the day, yesterday. maybe i should just explain myself. because a good number of you is shoving your own judgemental views down my throat. and you now what? screw you. you dont even know what is the root of it all. MAYBE if you took the time to TRY to understand... then maybe you'd see that what im doing is right. and not try to force your own views down me. and if all you wanna do is shovel your crap at me, then congratulations. you just dug your own grave and burried yourself in it, as far as im concerned. and for those of you that dont know what the flip is going on, may i suggest you to leave rite now. or at least not read this post... because this post is NOT for you. you can read it if you really want, because i cant stop you. but it's your call. as in all other things.

do you honestly want me to trust, when promise after promise has been broken? do you honestly think that im stupid enough to listen to lies after lies? sure im dumb. i'll be the first to say it. but stupid enough to believe you? to believe IN you when all you've ever told me were lies? believe those i once counted as my bestest becuase they now believe your lies and are too blind to see past what you've told me and the truth? what is one to do when the "truth" isnt reality? how can i trust you, when you wont let me or want me to trust you? how can i trust you when every promise is broken and every thing you told me was a lie?

do you honestly want me to forgive? honestly? i cant do it on my own. im supposed to forgive something you keep doing to me? Even God has a condition to his forgiveness, and that is repentance. if you dont change, you'll just be doing it again. so why bother? You want your crap shoved down my throat? shove this down your throat: if there is no change, then why is there forgiveness? at least pretend you're making an effort. at least pretend to trust me. at least pretend. you know, lying to yourself only works if you believe it. lying to other people only works IF THEY DONT CATCH YOU! you want me to believe we're all one big happy family? rite. maybe in eternity. MAYBE then. 1. big? sure. believe what you want. 2. happy? of course you are. this "thorn" in your side has now left. and exit-ed your lives. you should be happy now. yes? and dont tell me any different. trust me. it wont work. why arent you happy, if you arent? the problem has left. on her own too. arent you just happy? a riot all of you are. do you honestly think that i wouldnt wake up one day and figure out what you're doing? hilarious. you know what? too bad for you. your luck ran out.

you want things "back to where they were"? ha. funny. you promised it wouldnt go that way. twice now. and yet. thats now a grand total of three times. you know what happens in baseball? three strikes and you're out. buh bye. do you even know how bad it got? do you know how hard it is to KNOW you cant trust someone you hold dear, and yet want to trust them so badly? ha. do any of you know what you're doing to me? maybe you do. in which case you're just a jerk. and maybe you dont. in which case, let me help you. see life used to be a wonderful thing. im sure it still is for many people. just not really for me rite now. i've taken more then i can deal with. and one of you already knows that i cant be strong anymore, and yet you persist. fine. have it your way. i cant be strong anymore. i dont care if any of you expect me to be. because im not going to be anymore. you've won the battle. congratulations. and i've lost. wonderful. but you dont know what i've lost. nor could you possibly understand. you see. i've lost it all. i've lost everything. everything that once brought me joy, was my help in times of need, my best friend. i've lost it all. i dont know who you think you're fighting or WHAT you're fighting, but i guess you now know. i was fighting for the fragments of my life that was left. and even those frail, minute fragments, you couldnt leave with me for me to rebuild a life with. no. it wasnt good enough for you that i had those bits and pieces. not only did you hafta suck the life out of me so that all that was left of me was an empty shell... but you had to crush that shell that was me, and you had to take away the fragments of me so that i would never be found again.

so i guess all i hafta say is, congrats. you won. you've won what seems like a pointless battle to you. and i've lost all that is me. and these tears im crying, i guess you'll never know what they ment. and i guess you'll never stop to care about them either. congrats on your win and in taking all that is me, away from me.

one thing to say:

SUPID AMERICAN BOYS!!!!!

haha.. dont ask me...because i wont tell you. ask mabs. she'll tell ya.... if you're LUCKY. haha.

anyways... whats with my day? uhh.... lets just say almost falling asleep like 8 times in 2 hrs isnt good for your grades.. haha.. that was me this morning.. then i came home and slept.. something i shouldnt have done.. whoops.. oh wells.. as soon as im done my lab, im going to bed. thats what i've been saying since i woke up after sleeping today... haha... well.. er.. yesterday... cuz its like the AM now.. whoops. hahah... someone tell me whats wrong with my sleeping? yes? no? yes? ahaha... oh wells.. what else to say about my day? hmm.... if you really wanna know. you can ask i guess.. and if you need to know, then you'd know. haha.