so today.. oh boy. what a day... it was a horrible day indeed. to watch one of your friends just lie to you, and have them not even know it.. *sigh* and to want nothing more but to go home, and getting that wish, and then find out that home really isnt home... well "home is where the heart is" but i guess this just means that there is no home for my heart... or maybe i just dont have a heart..

Mother Teresa once said "It's not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving" if im giving all that i am and all that i have in love and loving the people around me with all that i am, is that not enough? i dont know what else to do... too many lives have been messed cuz of me. thanx for pointing that out bud. so i guess this is me saying, im sorry for wrecking all of your lives.. truely i am.. and if i had the choice, i'd go back in time, and find ways to not have met you. so that maybe your lives wouldnt be so screwed up...

i just wanted to say, i guess, that through it all, thanx for just being there for me, and i guess heres to having a wonderful life without me.... *cheers*... go and live a full and happy life.. no more of me screwing it up for you....if ya need someone to talk to and hopefully not screw up your life, you know how to reach me. but then with me out of your life, you wont be needing that... heres to a wonderful life for all of you! cheers.

quick question for the world... er.. whoever botheres reading this... like my stalker... *ahem* rite? haha...

why does it hurt so much to care? why does it feel so wrong to do what is right?

*sigh* i guess tahts all on my mind today... oh! and sammi came and it was SOO unproductive..haha.. ohwells.. love her ALL the same... neways.. yeah.. answer plz.. cuz im going nuts... thanx ya

mmm... today was weird... so many oddish things happen.... some good.. some bad.. oh wells..

1. sammi came to see me!!!!!! haha... soo excited..and exausted... but now im not sleeping... cuz guess whose sleeping in my bed? oh shes soo adorable when she sleeps!!!

2. *ahem*... yeah... haha... all i gotta say are CHOPPERS!!!!!! URGH... *Sigh* somedays......

3. JON YOU'RE DEAD!!!!!! cuz a. snow on sammi = you're dead. b. dis my boys? you're dead. so bottom line? you're dead! haha... nono.. im not threatening you... hahhaha...

4. ronald? you rule!!!!!! haha.. go leafs!!!!

5. dancing? me? uhhhh sammi? you're a gonner! hahaha... oh wells.. hope ppl had fun laughing at me tho.. hahha

6. God is good. soo many blessings and realizations that i missed during my time of self-pity... ask me if you wanna know more.. im WAY too lazy to type it..

7. sleep time.. haha.. maybe...theres more to my day.. just dunno what i wanna say about it... haha

ok guys.. not much new today.. just a lotta learning and a lot of tying things up from yesterday. for one, theres a chapter thats kinda near and dear at the moment. ecclesiastes 3.

Everything Has Its Time
Everything on earth has its own time and its own season.
There is a time for birth and death, planting and reaping,
for killing and healing, destroying and building,
for crying and laughing, weeping and dancing,
for throwing stones and gathering stones, embracing and parting.
There is a time for finding and losing, keeping and giving,
for tearing and sewing, listening and speaking.
There is also a time for love and hate, for war and peace.

What God Has Given Us To Do
What do we gain by all of our hard work? I have seen what difficult things God demands of us. God makes everything happen at the right time. Yet none of us can ever fully understand all he has done, and he puts questions in our minds about the past and the future. I know the best thing we can do is to always enjoy life, because God's gift to us is the happiness we get from our food and drink and from the work we do. Everything God has done will last forever; nothing he does can ever be changed. God has done all this, so that we will worship him.

Everything that happens has happened before, and all that will be has already been-- God does everything over and over again.

The Future Is Known Only to God
Everywhere on earth I saw violence and injustice instead of fairness and justice. So I told myself that God has set a time and a place for everything. He will judge everyone, both the wicked and the good. I know that God is testing us to show us that we are merely animals. Like animals we breathe and die, and we are no better off than they are. It just doesn't make sense. All living creatures go to the same place. We are made from earth, and we return to the earth. Who really knows if our spirits go up and the spirits of animals go down into the earth? We were meant to enjoy our work, and that's the best thing we can do. We can never know the future.

i was also listening to a song. a song that i usually wouldnt have listened to.. and yet.. something told me to listen to it.. it was on my play list... (funny i also changed my play list today, for no apparently reason).. and i was about to take this one song off... cuz i dun really love it or anything... so yeah.. when i was JUST about to delete it, some of the lyrics caught my attention and i decided to listen... it's called "God Will Make A Way" .. i know.. funny name eh? (haha.. canadian eh? haha...dun ask if you dun get it.. its kinda a silly thinger) neways, here are IT's lyrics.. and i can send you the song too.. just let me know..

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me.

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me.

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way
© Don Moen

i dunno.. maybe those words were just what i needed today.. its been a long week.. and its ONLY wednesday... *sigh* fun fun... hehe.. oh wells... this is what i got today. funny how random pages and emails talk to you...

God Is The Answer

When you are tired & discouraged from fruitless efforts...God knows how hard you have tried.
When you've cried so long & your heart is in anguish...God has counted your tears.
If you feel that your life is on hold & time has passed you by...God is waiting with you.
When you're lonely & your friends are too busy even for a phone call...God is by your side.
When you think you've tried everything & don't know where to turn...God has a solution.
When nothing makes sense & you are confused or ...God has the answer.
If suddenly your outlook is brighter & you find traces of hope... God has whispered to you.
When things are going well & you have much to be thankful for...God has blessed you.
When something joyful happens & you are filled with awe...God has smiled upon you.
When you have a purpose to fulfill & a dream to follow...God has opened your eyes & called you by name.
Remember that wherever you are or whatever you are facing...God Knows!
© Kelly D. Caron

time for beddy bibi... orders of a certain PERSON *ahem* you know who you are... *evil glare*... haha.. its all jokes... hehe... its only cuz its good for me. meh. whatever. i dun care. its not like im doing anything else rite?

just some thoughts for you today...i was talking to one of my brothers, and this is what he said to me, "sometimes, u've done everything u could, n the rest is up to God" that is so true, now come to think of it. amazing how bright and smart and mature lil brothers can be rite? after all, the older one IS supposed to take care of the younger one... but not in this case. its my lil brother taking care of me.

you know what else my intelligent lil brother said to me? he said "stop looking at the stuff that u didnt do" funny how its such a simple thing, and its common sense.. but apparently not to me.. hmm.. i needed someone to tell me that.. i've always known that i cant change the past, so why didnt that part occur to me? weird eh?

i also told him i felt like a failure, and explained why... which wont be mentioned here.. if you wanna know you cant msg me or something....but yeah THAT he was quite blunt with.

i dun think God creates failures
either A: ur not created by God
or B: God created u, therefore, ur not a failure

its like DUH vic. how stupid can you be??? let me tell you. i can be a lot more stupid then that. because i wanted to believe him. but i couldnt. i just wouldnt. but you know what? hes rite. hes VERY rite infact. i remember theres this one poster from sunday school like a couple years ago. on it, it said "God doesn't make junk" how true is that? some days i just feel completely useless and like gargabe thats missed garbage day. its like garbage that even the garbage man doesnt wanna pick up to chuck out.. at LEAST have the decency to chuck me out rite? but whatever...

anyways, we talked some more. i asked him. "then why does it hurt so much when we fail?" my very intelligent brother then told me, "because we dont like to fail" oh how true is that? and he continues...

but if we dun fall, we cant get back up
if we dun fall, we'll never learn how to break the fall, so that we can get hurt less
if we dun fall, we cant help others not to fall
if we dun fall, we wont grow
if we dun fall, we dun need God

funny how i never thought of it like that. how true it is tho. it is BECAUSEwe fail and we are imperfect that we need God... wow.. so much learning to nite. SOO much... surprizingly, it didnt hurt THAT much... cuz this time i wasnt deaf to Him.. i was just dumb... but what else is new? it was just a long period this time.. hehe

to sum up what my wise and not so old friend said IN his own words, "any1 that loves u, wont see ur faults, but ur good sides" and i guess thats all i need to know.. and all i need to believe. and at the end of our long and very much needed conversation, this is what was concluded....

vic: its not like i dont believe you ***......its just hard to
friend: it's not that hard to believe the truth. dun believe in satan's lies
vic:if it wasnt so hard to beleive the truth, more ppl would LOVE God rite?
friend: it's not hard to see the truth, only when u REFUSE to see it

theres something to think about... in my calander, theres a quote of John Muir. it says "the sun shines not on us, but in us"... thanx for praying for me. and for just plain putting up with me.. i dunno how you guys do it... cuz i'd go nuts if i were you...you are TRUELY a God-given gift...

oks.. so back to the wacky emails that my friends send around... this is the weirdest and funniest one of today... haha...

I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT...
I am a college student. Stealing from the caf no longer feels like stealin!
I am a college student. I have a specific shower stall which I refer to as 'mine' and my feet will never touch the floor of it.
I am a college student. I try to rotate stalls in the bathroom so I can read all the material taped to the walls.
I am a MALE college student. I always have more than one condom on hand. Two in one night? morning after? you never know.
I am a college student. I now fail to distinguish the difference in taste between water and beer.
I am a FEMALE college student. I own a sweater which resembles a bathrobe.
I am a college student. I didn't get my homework done cuz the kid I share a book with wasn't home last night to get it to me.
I am a college student. Drunken scrawlings on my message board or late night drunken IM's from friends across campus no longer perplex me.
I am a college student. Somebody keeps stealing my damn message board marker.
I am a college student. I pre-party in my room just so I will be drunk enough not to notice the sub-zero weather when I walk to the bar without a coat.
I am a college student. I pray for hotties in my classes so that I will have a reason to go to that class. I will, however, never talk to any of these hotties.
I am a college student. I can no longer remember what was cooked in those dirty dishes.
I am a college student. I have seen more than one party turn into a strip show.
I am a college student. My telephone number only has 4 digits.
I am a college student. I have spent nights on the floor because I couldn't get up the ladder to my bed.
I am a college student. I see no problem fitting 2 people in one twin size bed.
I am a MALE college student. I know that a gentleman would let her sleep next to the wall. (It's a long way to the floor.)
I am a college student. I will cross busy streets just to pick up what might be a quarter.
I am a college student. I want a girl/boyfriend that disappears from 9pm-2am every friday and saturday night, reappearing undressed in bed with me when I get home.
I am a college student. Answering machine messages are a thing to be celebrated.
I am a college student. When I see movie trailers on TV, I say 'I can't wait to Download that'
I am a college student. Going 'out to eat' no longer involves getting in a vehicle.
I am a college student. I don't know half of my professors' names.
I am a FEMALE college student. I use empty beer bottles for vases.
I am a college student. Christmas lights are a year-round decoration.
I am a college student. Laundry bags double as suitcases.
I am a FEMALE college student. I have worn my huge fuzzy slippers to the cafeteria at dinnertime.
I am a college student. Going to bed before 2:00 is almost unheard of.
I am a college student. If it doesn't look or smell dirty, even if it has been on the floor for 3 days, it can be worn again.
I am a college student. Nat Lite is a high class beer.
I am a college student. I am accustomed to asking "do you have a student discount" wherever I go.
I am a college student. Going to early classes in my pajamas is fine.
I am a college student. Parties Wednesday through Saturday nights are never hard to find.
I am a college student. To get extra money, I sell my plasma, or my roommates cd's.
I am a college student. 3:00 a.m. trips to Wal-Mart is normal, and I am used to being tossed out of Wal-Mart drunk in the wee hours of the morning.
I am a college student. The only times that I eat breakfast are when I am still up from partying the night before... Steak and Shake is open and full of other drunk college students.
I am a FEMALE college student, but you will never see me on a "College Girls Gone Wild" video.
I am a college student. I am an easy target for cops.
I am a college student. I have cussed out the people on the floor above me for being too loud at 3 a.m.
I am a college student. I seldom make my bed.
I am a college student. I use milk crates for furniture and blankets to cover my window.
I am a college student. I enjoy seeing mail in my mailbox.
I am a college student. I have been to a TOGA party.
I am a college student. I have fallen down on campus before.
I am a college student. I plead to not drive whenever a group of us go out just so I don't lose my parking spot.
I am a college student. I hate bike cops.
I am a college student...and love every bit of it!
I am a college student. Procrastination is a must.
I am a college student. But I don't remember what home-cooked meals taste like!

oh wells... some are true.. some.. arent so true... hahha... cuz i dun think walmart is open at like 3 am... haha... oh wells... oh today. i coulda done without that movie.. like i havent seen enough cockroaches today... omg... lets not relive that... DEFINATLY lets not relive that.... haha.. today was a weird day... oh.. before i forget.. lil boy has something that he wants me to pass along to the rest of the world... (if you ask me, i think he just wants to pick some gurls up.. hahha) ANYWAYS.... enjoy.. haha.. in a way its true.. but its kinda twisted.... so i think anyways.. hahaha....in a way, its kinda sweet.. in another way... hmm... more like sweet talking if you ask me.. hahaha ....

girls are like apples on trees,the best ones are at the top of the tree, the boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they afraid of falling and getting hurt, instead they just get the apples that are on the ground that aren't as good but easy, so the apples on the top think that there is something wrong with them wen they are amazing, that is why you have to be a little patient...the right boy,the one who takes the chance to find the good, right apple, will come someday

so all you gurls who are AWSOME, and slightly impatient, dont fall for those jerks. and all those who are just so darn lucky, this is why. hahaha.... and this thinger also explains some of the crap in my life. *sigh* i dont want to deal with it... i really dont.. and i really can do without.... oh wells... apparently i need to deal with these gut-less males... help them find their gut and reach high up into the trees... *sigh* oh wells... someone hasta tell them they're being dumb... rite? otherwise, how else are they supposed to find their one? oh wells. i rather it be me with the crap then to see my sisters hurt...

neways... on another note, if anyone wants to die cuz my dad has his sword out, come over.. hahah.... my dads a silly goof.. we were watching this movie, with sammi cheung and louis koo in it, and they were fighitng with some sword technique... so my dad decides he needs to get my brothers sword out and mess around with it.... *sigh* and after he was made to put it away, guess what he takes out? yep yep. his double sword.... *sigh* ... the things that go on at my house.... *sigh*.... oh wells... and for those of you that are wondering what happened to my klutzy self.... THIS i didnt do, but it happened to me... after i made my dad put away his swords, guess what he decides to play with??? the SHOVEL from the fireplace thinger.. *sigh* and guess what? he decides i need to be smacked with it... *sigh* NEVER watch a movie with my dad.... URGH... haha... so yeha.. if you wanna die, just watch a movie with my dad... watch him take his swords out... hahah.. oh wells... quicke question..how do you know you can trust someone?

WOA.. today?? OMG... i almost had a heart attack or something... but i definatly went into shock at the resturant... like omg.. and no... it wasnt a hot guy..... what kinda ditz or boy-crazed gurl do you think i am!??!?! hahaha.... sooo.. anyways, i was having lunch with my family... we went "yum-cha" as according to ping yum.. others of you know it as dim sum. hahaha... neways, it was all fine and dandy, and we were having a good time, and THEN comes this uninvited guess.. my mom called it a "gat-jat" which translates to cockroach... well i dunno if it WAS a cockroach.. but OMG!!!!!! im NEVER going back there... like omg... i dislike bugs... cockroaches? and scary things that climb down the wall super fast and about to land on your table!? omg... thats like borderline hate... wait... it probably is hate... omg... i was like in shock or something like OMG... so yeah.... that was horrible....

and on another note... to those of you that thought i was falling asleep in sunday school or those skippers that think that i was skipping also... the truth? i found out some heart breaking news today. and in such, i couldnt handle being in sunday school where we were discussing rebuilding relationships and friendships, ESPECIALLY among fellow brothers and sisters. naturally, that hit a softspot in me, and i just couldnt handle it. thats when i actually begun to process the heartbreak that i had numbed myself to. and thats when i couldnt take it. i just needed to be gone for a bit, cuz otherwise, i woulda started crying in class... thats not so good. cuz ya know what? this wasnt in my place to discuss in the first place. it wasnt my decision. i had no part in the decisions. but it affected me... and let me say, it gosh darn kills me. to those of you that noticed something wasnt right with me lately, i guess you were right. and i figured it out... but i rather to not have known what it was... but at least i now know...

and to my dear friend, if you happen to read this, i just wanna say that i dunno what happened, or why you want it like this, or anything... just know that im praying for you, and i'll always remember you because you were a very good friend to me... i dont know what you're thinking or feeling, but i just want to tell you that, there will always be people that love you, and people that want to talk to you... through anything, im sure alan and andrew want to talk to you... as well as i if you wish, because i know im not the easiest person to talk to... too much talking and not enough listening from me. and if you feel like you cant talk to any of us, just remember God is always there right beside you... you may not always hear him or feel him, but some times, i dont know if its true for you, but its definatly true for me, it's because im wallowing too much in my pain and in my situation... its only when i remember and when i learn to trust in Him that i understand and feel him there...

one song by this AWSOME musician - to say in the least, cuz hes just super talented, his name is justis kao.. and some of you have heard me go ON and ON and ON about him and its like "when is she gonna shut up?!?!" but theres this one song he says that rings true.. part of the lyrics of the song goes like this:

I'm only human, often assuming the worst.
And I catch myself wondering, why I'm last, never the first?
Looking for answers, to questions I don?t even have
As if life without sin, or to find what white is to black
Like a time bomb that's ticking inside me,
I'm waiting to the time I?m set free
This pain and confusion has jaded, faded my life.

I will not sink, in the waters around me
I will not think, that my circumstance drown me
I will not trust in the world that's around me
I am kept Strong!
by the One who sustains me.

You insist I can?t reach; you?re convinced you can teach me to fly.
Say I can?t win, then you tell me to not even to try.
You resist what I say, when I tell you I?m not gonna fail
Don?t you know it hurts like a hammer, that?s driving a nail
Like a time bomb that's ticking inside me,
I'm waiting to the time im set free
This pain and confusion has jaded, faded my life.

I will not sink, in the waters around me
I will not think, that my circumstance drown me
I will not trust in the world that's around me
I am kept Strong!
by the One who sustains me.

I will not sink
I will not think
I will not trust
I am kept strong

i guess thats all i can do now.. rite? to just depend on the One that will sustain me, and bring me through this... what else can i do? i dunno...if you think of anything. tell me. you know how to reach me. and dear friend? if i never get to talk to you again, i just wanna thank you for being an awsome friend to me.

so another day has gone by, and theres some exciting and some not so exciting news
exciting: i got sleep!!!!! well... it was 7 hrs, and it was wonderful sleep.. i woke up feeling like i had slept and refreshed, and after 4 days of NOT sleeping... woa.. JUST what i needed... mmmm nice.. hehe... so hopefully it'll be the same to nite. but it hsould be better cuz im at home to nite.. hehe.. if my pjs EVER get dried... grr!!!! hahahha... and not so exciting news? hmm... today? was PRODUCTIVE!!!! yay!!! haha... welll "productive" as usual, i planed to do more then i can do.. oh wells... hmm... what did i learn today? it is those times that we feel alone, that we are most un-alone. haha.. that made no sense.. hmm... bascially, when you feel like no one understands you and that all you have going for you isnt going very far, no worries, other ppl have been there before you, and other people are gonna be there after you. connect with your friends, you'll be surprized at what runs through ppls minds. it may be i different situation, but the feeling is the same... support and love each other, through the tough times... and that is the toughes part of His commandment, to love one another. my challenge to you? love others and love yourself for who you are. thats the one thing that i need to work on... its hard to love a person. we all fail. we all mess up. its especially hard to love me. but you know what guys (and gurls for those of us that need me to be soo darn specific)?? God IS love, and at the end of the day, thats all you need to know in your heart. it hurts to love...but its worth the pain.....

so today was futile. SO unproductive. well... i guess it was productive... i got 5 mins of sleep... in my "nap"... URGH... anyone have any good suggestions about sleeping??? i appear to have a slight problem these days... so yeah... i was too tired to do anything, yet i couldnt sleep to make up for it and i wouldnt let me have caffeine to wake up... cuz whats it gonna do to me after its run its course? im just gonna be worst....*sigh* if anyone one of you smart people figure it out, then tell me ks? let me know... i need sleep.. im going crazy out of my mind.....

so i sat around to day and i did some figuring of things out. one thing that i figured out? i take ppl for granted. you think that they'd be there, but they wont always be. lernt that the hard way. another thing i figured out? i have a bad judge of character. i cant trust some of those that i trust now... so does that mean i should be trusting those that i dont trust rite now and not trust thost that i dont trust rite now? hmm... perplexing thought. another thing that came to me? you know who those that are important to you and who finds you important because they will be those that you turn to and those that are around you when you need them to be...

in looking over the past 2 weeks, i figured out why i found these 2 weeks hard. it wasnt that school was hard or anything, there was just a lot of emotional baggage... not all of it was mine. there were happy times and sad times, just too much for me to handle all at once... and all this "growing up" stuff... too much for me to handle. WAY too much... can i just stop time and be like this forever? sure some of the reasons why i need to grow up is a REALLY good reason... but at the same time, its like how do i start? where do i go from here? *sigh* someone tell me... or wake me up when this is all over........


oh... woa.. something hit me.... one of my friends signed in, and "Job 38:1-2" was in their name.. so i looked it up.

The LORD Speaks From Out of a Storm
From out of a storm, the LORD said to Job:
Why do you talk so much when you know so little?

well. that answers what i had to say i guess... wow. its amazing when God hits you in the head with something eh? its soo cool and yet so like eeee.... cuz you're like.... OMG!!!!!!!! oh wells.. thats as exciting as my day gets.. well... not the part where God hit me in the head, cuz im too deaf and dumb to hear him otherwise..... so yeah... oh wells.. we'll just hafta see where i go from here.

can someone please tell me what im doing wrong?
can someone please tell me whats going on?
can someone please please PLEASE tell me...

whats going on? what happening? why am i like this?
why am i not functioning? why i be who i thought was me?
why am i not understaing life thats around me?
why are people pressing who they think i am, into me?
who am i? truely. who am i to you?
if i cant even define who i am as a person,
how am i to defined others as my friends?

how do i know what is right and what is wrong?
how do i tell a distinction between anything?

does anyone know where i have gone?
apparently im missing... but then im sitting RITE here typing away...
i dont get it. but then when did i truely understand anything?
if anyones seen me, catch me. catch me before im completely loss....