so im getting better at updating...but not by much.. remember the days when i used to post like everyday? thats a little to vulnerable for me. because then i have all these people that i dont know in the depths of my heart and some of them are "friends" who poke around until they find something to break and then do so. maybe its better that i keep things inside of me and i dont post them out for the world to see, in my joys and in my sorrows...who knows..

one thing Gods definatly asked me is why do i trust others with my heart and why didnt i trust God with it as well? it was almost like i had put people before God, because i trusted them more with my heart. and for a while, it was working well...but of course, God knows better then i, and His question definatly was an important one.

why am i trusting people with my heart? they are ONLY mere humans. but to me, they definatly didnt seem that way at first. like everything, humans come off one way, only to be another. i trusted them with my heart with the understanding that they would take care of it, just as i have taken care of theres. but in the end, that made no difference. as humans, mistakes, intentional or unintentional happens. and one by one, the heart gets broken. and when your human sources have all failed you, there is no where else to turn, but to your creator. the One who has been asking for my heart all along, and ive simiply ignored.

true to His word, God is a TRUE gentleman. He never barges in, never gets upset when we're taking a long time..instead, He simply stands at the door of your heart and knocks. and knocks until you answer it. and if you hear Him, but dont want to let Him in, then He simply waits outside until you are ready for Him to come into your life and make a difference in your world. it was in this deep dark gloom of people breaking my heart that He RESCUED me. He went and found all the parts to my heart, and lovingly and gently, He put the pieces back together, all the while holding me together so that through leaning on Him, i could live.

i look of the lives of others who do not have this intimate relationship with my Jesus, my God, my rescuer, and the lover of my SOUL. and i think to myself, "oh how i wish that i didnt know this Jesus man, so that i could live like them, free from anything the devil throws at me" but i also know that without Jesus, i dont have a standing chance against the evil one. and it is ONLY because you are standing in the will of the LORD that satan takes any intrest in you. satan only has intrest in you, so long as you throw him off his throne in your life, or the lives of those around you. when you do that, you become a threat to him, and he declars war on you.

"for when we are weak, then we are strong" says the word of the Lord. for when we are weak in the human flesh and we KNOW that we are incapable, then we are STRONG in the Lord. because whatever happens, whatever is done, whatever is said, will be through the Lord. not by work and not by might, but by the mighty power of Jesus.

ask me now, with what i know, am i scared of doing Gods will? yes i am scared. but at the same time, i KNOW God will do something. and He WILL prevail. ask me now, with what i know, who has my heart? i will tell you, people are let INTO my heart. but the one who HOLDS my heart is my rescuer, my hero, my lover, the one i love, the one who will NEVER back down nor break my heart.

you know that song by the backstreet boys that says "i'll never break your heart"? what a lie. mere men are mere humans. only a supernatural God can promise me to never break my heart. definatly time to get off the hollywood defination of love, and go back to the basics and learn what God made love to BE.

hopes this helps whoever reads this.
cheers.