4 out of 4. CRAZY. nice..but DEFINATLY weird.

10 mins. you never know what 10 minutes really mean until its like they're right there, but you miss them so much its like they're not really there. this whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing doesnt quite work when its really just 10 minutes...

10 more... just 10 more...but can i do it? let me see.. too much temptation!!! AND a whole week of nothingness.. hmm..

theres nothing quite like it when God tells OTHER people to tell you that he loves you and that makes you beautiful..and that you're very valuable to him. theres really nothing quite like that feeling when He tells you that. because you KNOW He means it. and it is the truth..because God doesnt lie.

trust is a lil funny thing.

acording to dictionary.com, it is defined as "Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing."

funny how it takes years to build up, and only seconds to destroy.

another funny lil thing? faith.

its defined as "Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing." or "Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence"

its one of those things that when you finally believe you have it, you find that you never really did have it.

wonderful isnt it? or maybe not.

more fustrating then anything if you ask me.

ask me one day. i'll tell you what ive been learning. and how much fun THAT was.

smile.

if you have nothing to smile about, just remember, Jesus loves you.

in the purpose driven life, it says

"even before his crucifizion, the Son of God was stripped naked, beaten until almost unrecognizable, whipped, scorned and mocked, crowned with throns, and spit on contemptuously. Abused and ridiculed by heatrless men, was was treated worst than an animal.

Then, nearly unconscious from blood loss, he was forced to drag a cumbersome cross up a hill, was nailed to it, and was left to die the slow, excruciating torture of death by crucifixion. While his life blood drained out, hecklers stood by and shouted insults, making fun of his pain and challenging his claim to be God.

Next, as Jesus took all of mankind's sin and guilt on himself, God looked away from that ugly sight, and Jesus cried out in total desperation, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' Jesus could have saved himself - but then he could not have saved you.

now if you ask me, if that doesnt give you something to be thankful for or something to make you smile about, know this. the most awesomest person, the ONLY perfect man in the WHOLE entire world, died for you. and died for me. so that we mite be able to go to Heaven AND be Gods children. how wonderful is that? Praise God. Praise Him from whom ALL blessings flow.

someones not telling me the truth...










...and this time im not dumb enough to miss it.














congratulations. tell someone who cares. because i cant anymore.

"take one thing at a time" youve always told me.
"dont let other ppl walk over you" you've said
"dont let others take you for granted" you always warned me.

so i worked at it. one. at. a. time.

now its time to deal with you.

it was always your life, your wishes, your avalibility over mine.
it was always your way, over mine
it was always you over me.

not anymore.

a week of hell for nothing.
a weekend in the deepest of pits in hell, only for you to tell me im over reacting.

fine. thats how you want it to be, thats the way its gonna be.

you wanna talk to me? too bad. says who i hafta pick up?
you wanna msg me? go ahead. whose to say im gonna answer you?
you wanna text me? do it. just dont expect a reply.
you wanna see me? oh too bad. i dont think i can fit you in.

you can find me. but its a free country. there is no law that says i hafta talk to you.

maybe. JUST maybe, i have more important things to do. but hey. who are you to know? i'd be lucky if you knew i died. before all that was left of me is my skeleton.

omg.

honestly.

the honesty and trust that some people have.

the untrust worthyness of others.

why cant people be nice?

why cant people be honest?

to think that i bother helping them.

why bother?
whats the point?
who cares?


the truth?
no one cares. theres no point to it. and only those who are nosey bother.

i should just give up.

so why havent i?
..i guess its cuz i dunno that im stupid.
or maybe cuz i think im a cut above the rest, and i can do it.

but you know what?
im wrong. i AM stupid. and im not a cut above anyone. not even the garbage IN my garbage can.

somethings never change.

the world will always hate itself.
the world will always hate me.
and i will always be too stupid to know the difference.

i guess some wanna know whats going on.

theres nothing to tell.
nothing to explain.
nothing to understand.

at the end of it all, its just me.
and im just stupid for beliveing that i could do better. and that i can make a difference in this world. because you know what? i really cant.

why bother? im not gonna anymore.
why care? i wont.
why trust? im not. theres no one to trust.

to everyone else, screw you. i dun really care what you think anymore. and im definatly done sitting around just to be there for you. because it doesnt matter if i am there or if im not. you wont need me. never have, never will. so i dunno why you keep asking me to.

i cant live my life for you. its time i lived mine. so if you have a problem with me not being there for one moment in time, because you've FINALLY made time to spend with me, then screw you. just because youre looking for me doesnt mean im looking for you. just because you've finally found 5 mins to spend with me, doesnt mean that i have 5 mins for you. before you coulda had as long as you needed. but no more. its time for you to find someone who cares. and that definatly aint me. go ahead and breakdown and cry. watch me. im just gonna turn around and walk out of your life and thats the end of that. have a good life.

i hope you will find someone who cares about you. or your life. because im done. im done trying to figure out your double life. where you say one thing and yet you mean another thing. im tired of telling you, im here. its ok. only to find that you just want me to sit there waiting for you so that you feel better about yourself when you really dont need me there and you were just wasting my time. and the one time you really need me there and i cant be there, you make me into your garbage only to put me on a one way guilt trip. well im off. im out of your lying, guilt-laying, double sided life. maybe you'll finally find someone who is either stupid enough to never wake up to smell the coffee and to find that everything they thought was truth, was a lie, an imagery made up so well, it became reality for a while, becuase you;re an expert weaver of lies.

good bye.

in being pissed of at way too much to name, some lessons are lernt. some hard. some very hard.

its amazing how God speaks to us. in the good. in the bad. through others. through the bible. through art. through dance. through music.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to

they always have a song for words i cant say or express.

"I really miss you
There's something that I've gotta say

The things we did
The things we said
To come back to me and make me smile again
Show me how
To face the truth
Everything that's good in me I owe to you

Though the distance that's between us
Now may seem to be too far
It will never separate us
Deep inside I know you are

Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Every day
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've got to say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life
Never gone
No no no

I walk along
These empty streets
There is not a second you're not here with me
The love you gave
The grace you've shown
Will always give me strength and be my corner stone

So how you found a way to see the best I haven't been
As far as time goes on I swear to you that you will be

Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Every day
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've got to say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life
Never gone

Gone from me
If there's one thing I believe
I will see you somewhere down the road again

Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Every day
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've got to say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life

Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Every day
Every step along the way

Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are"

....im sorry. i think i need to go cry.

so whats going on with me?
whats wrong with me?
why am i being so different now?
why am i being so distant?

truth be told, i feel inadequate.
im not a good listener
im not a good friend
im not a good sister
im just not good enough.

it seems like thats all ppl hafta say to me.
or they ask me how i am, and most of them expect the good or the ok.
couple ppl really wanna know whats going on.

but how do you express whats going on in like 30 words?
...or even what you've been going through in the last little bit in 1 minute?
how do you express the stuggles? the joys? or even last week?
when a week seems like it was a whole month.
and a whole month feels like an eternity.

maybe their right and maybe im just not good enough.
maybe their wrong and they're just lying to me.
maybe their right, but for all the wrong reasons.
maybe their wrong, but with all the right motives.

or maybe its just me failing at things that matter to me..
and the world telling me falsehoods.

ive failed myself.
in dreams, expectations, life, almost everything.
ive failed my grandma and everything SHE lived for. how wonderful is that?

she taught me to be better.
she tried to make me better.
she showed me a better way of life.

and ive failed them all. and ive forgotten.

even simple things from school to my health to my diet..
ive failed her in so much.

..and now i must live up to those consequences.

im sorry grandma.

my feet hurt.
crazy.
i had the mat.
i had the shoes.
blah.
im going back to my runners.

btw, i need to go shopping.
i need new runners and such.
apparnetly im gonna be jogging again.
o.0
do we remember what happened last time i took it seriously?
hmm.
watch.
i'll be like 'yeah. i run.. once every 10 days.." haha

bed time
nite nite
mmj. the answer? yep. hahaha.