so today.. oh boy. what a day... it was a horrible day indeed. to watch one of your friends just lie to you, and have them not even know it.. *sigh* and to want nothing more but to go home, and getting that wish, and then find out that home really isnt home... well "home is where the heart is" but i guess this just means that there is no home for my heart... or maybe i just dont have a heart..

Mother Teresa once said "It's not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving" if im giving all that i am and all that i have in love and loving the people around me with all that i am, is that not enough? i dont know what else to do... too many lives have been messed cuz of me. thanx for pointing that out bud. so i guess this is me saying, im sorry for wrecking all of your lives.. truely i am.. and if i had the choice, i'd go back in time, and find ways to not have met you. so that maybe your lives wouldnt be so screwed up...

i just wanted to say, i guess, that through it all, thanx for just being there for me, and i guess heres to having a wonderful life without me.... *cheers*... go and live a full and happy life.. no more of me screwing it up for you....if ya need someone to talk to and hopefully not screw up your life, you know how to reach me. but then with me out of your life, you wont be needing that... heres to a wonderful life for all of you! cheers.

quick question for the world... er.. whoever botheres reading this... like my stalker... *ahem* rite? haha...

why does it hurt so much to care? why does it feel so wrong to do what is right?

*sigh* i guess tahts all on my mind today... oh! and sammi came and it was SOO unproductive..haha.. ohwells.. love her ALL the same... neways.. yeah.. answer plz.. cuz im going nuts... thanx ya

mmm... today was weird... so many oddish things happen.... some good.. some bad.. oh wells..

1. sammi came to see me!!!!!! haha... soo excited..and exausted... but now im not sleeping... cuz guess whose sleeping in my bed? oh shes soo adorable when she sleeps!!!

2. *ahem*... yeah... haha... all i gotta say are CHOPPERS!!!!!! URGH... *Sigh* somedays......

3. JON YOU'RE DEAD!!!!!! cuz a. snow on sammi = you're dead. b. dis my boys? you're dead. so bottom line? you're dead! haha... nono.. im not threatening you... hahhaha...

4. ronald? you rule!!!!!! haha.. go leafs!!!!

5. dancing? me? uhhhh sammi? you're a gonner! hahaha... oh wells.. hope ppl had fun laughing at me tho.. hahha

6. God is good. soo many blessings and realizations that i missed during my time of self-pity... ask me if you wanna know more.. im WAY too lazy to type it..

7. sleep time.. haha.. maybe...theres more to my day.. just dunno what i wanna say about it... haha

ok guys.. not much new today.. just a lotta learning and a lot of tying things up from yesterday. for one, theres a chapter thats kinda near and dear at the moment. ecclesiastes 3.

Everything Has Its Time
Everything on earth has its own time and its own season.
There is a time for birth and death, planting and reaping,
for killing and healing, destroying and building,
for crying and laughing, weeping and dancing,
for throwing stones and gathering stones, embracing and parting.
There is a time for finding and losing, keeping and giving,
for tearing and sewing, listening and speaking.
There is also a time for love and hate, for war and peace.

What God Has Given Us To Do
What do we gain by all of our hard work? I have seen what difficult things God demands of us. God makes everything happen at the right time. Yet none of us can ever fully understand all he has done, and he puts questions in our minds about the past and the future. I know the best thing we can do is to always enjoy life, because God's gift to us is the happiness we get from our food and drink and from the work we do. Everything God has done will last forever; nothing he does can ever be changed. God has done all this, so that we will worship him.

Everything that happens has happened before, and all that will be has already been-- God does everything over and over again.

The Future Is Known Only to God
Everywhere on earth I saw violence and injustice instead of fairness and justice. So I told myself that God has set a time and a place for everything. He will judge everyone, both the wicked and the good. I know that God is testing us to show us that we are merely animals. Like animals we breathe and die, and we are no better off than they are. It just doesn't make sense. All living creatures go to the same place. We are made from earth, and we return to the earth. Who really knows if our spirits go up and the spirits of animals go down into the earth? We were meant to enjoy our work, and that's the best thing we can do. We can never know the future.

i was also listening to a song. a song that i usually wouldnt have listened to.. and yet.. something told me to listen to it.. it was on my play list... (funny i also changed my play list today, for no apparently reason).. and i was about to take this one song off... cuz i dun really love it or anything... so yeah.. when i was JUST about to delete it, some of the lyrics caught my attention and i decided to listen... it's called "God Will Make A Way" .. i know.. funny name eh? (haha.. canadian eh? haha...dun ask if you dun get it.. its kinda a silly thinger) neways, here are IT's lyrics.. and i can send you the song too.. just let me know..

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me.

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me.

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way
© Don Moen

i dunno.. maybe those words were just what i needed today.. its been a long week.. and its ONLY wednesday... *sigh* fun fun... hehe.. oh wells... this is what i got today. funny how random pages and emails talk to you...

God Is The Answer

When you are tired & discouraged from fruitless efforts...God knows how hard you have tried.
When you've cried so long & your heart is in anguish...God has counted your tears.
If you feel that your life is on hold & time has passed you by...God is waiting with you.
When you're lonely & your friends are too busy even for a phone call...God is by your side.
When you think you've tried everything & don't know where to turn...God has a solution.
When nothing makes sense & you are confused or ...God has the answer.
If suddenly your outlook is brighter & you find traces of hope... God has whispered to you.
When things are going well & you have much to be thankful for...God has blessed you.
When something joyful happens & you are filled with awe...God has smiled upon you.
When you have a purpose to fulfill & a dream to follow...God has opened your eyes & called you by name.
Remember that wherever you are or whatever you are facing...God Knows!
© Kelly D. Caron

time for beddy bibi... orders of a certain PERSON *ahem* you know who you are... *evil glare*... haha.. its all jokes... hehe... its only cuz its good for me. meh. whatever. i dun care. its not like im doing anything else rite?

just some thoughts for you today...i was talking to one of my brothers, and this is what he said to me, "sometimes, u've done everything u could, n the rest is up to God" that is so true, now come to think of it. amazing how bright and smart and mature lil brothers can be rite? after all, the older one IS supposed to take care of the younger one... but not in this case. its my lil brother taking care of me.

you know what else my intelligent lil brother said to me? he said "stop looking at the stuff that u didnt do" funny how its such a simple thing, and its common sense.. but apparently not to me.. hmm.. i needed someone to tell me that.. i've always known that i cant change the past, so why didnt that part occur to me? weird eh?

i also told him i felt like a failure, and explained why... which wont be mentioned here.. if you wanna know you cant msg me or something....but yeah THAT he was quite blunt with.

i dun think God creates failures
either A: ur not created by God
or B: God created u, therefore, ur not a failure

its like DUH vic. how stupid can you be??? let me tell you. i can be a lot more stupid then that. because i wanted to believe him. but i couldnt. i just wouldnt. but you know what? hes rite. hes VERY rite infact. i remember theres this one poster from sunday school like a couple years ago. on it, it said "God doesn't make junk" how true is that? some days i just feel completely useless and like gargabe thats missed garbage day. its like garbage that even the garbage man doesnt wanna pick up to chuck out.. at LEAST have the decency to chuck me out rite? but whatever...

anyways, we talked some more. i asked him. "then why does it hurt so much when we fail?" my very intelligent brother then told me, "because we dont like to fail" oh how true is that? and he continues...

but if we dun fall, we cant get back up
if we dun fall, we'll never learn how to break the fall, so that we can get hurt less
if we dun fall, we cant help others not to fall
if we dun fall, we wont grow
if we dun fall, we dun need God

funny how i never thought of it like that. how true it is tho. it is BECAUSEwe fail and we are imperfect that we need God... wow.. so much learning to nite. SOO much... surprizingly, it didnt hurt THAT much... cuz this time i wasnt deaf to Him.. i was just dumb... but what else is new? it was just a long period this time.. hehe

to sum up what my wise and not so old friend said IN his own words, "any1 that loves u, wont see ur faults, but ur good sides" and i guess thats all i need to know.. and all i need to believe. and at the end of our long and very much needed conversation, this is what was concluded....

vic: its not like i dont believe you ***......its just hard to
friend: it's not that hard to believe the truth. dun believe in satan's lies
vic:if it wasnt so hard to beleive the truth, more ppl would LOVE God rite?
friend: it's not hard to see the truth, only when u REFUSE to see it

theres something to think about... in my calander, theres a quote of John Muir. it says "the sun shines not on us, but in us"... thanx for praying for me. and for just plain putting up with me.. i dunno how you guys do it... cuz i'd go nuts if i were you...you are TRUELY a God-given gift...

oks.. so back to the wacky emails that my friends send around... this is the weirdest and funniest one of today... haha...

I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT...
I am a college student. Stealing from the caf no longer feels like stealin!
I am a college student. I have a specific shower stall which I refer to as 'mine' and my feet will never touch the floor of it.
I am a college student. I try to rotate stalls in the bathroom so I can read all the material taped to the walls.
I am a MALE college student. I always have more than one condom on hand. Two in one night? morning after? you never know.
I am a college student. I now fail to distinguish the difference in taste between water and beer.
I am a FEMALE college student. I own a sweater which resembles a bathrobe.
I am a college student. I didn't get my homework done cuz the kid I share a book with wasn't home last night to get it to me.
I am a college student. Drunken scrawlings on my message board or late night drunken IM's from friends across campus no longer perplex me.
I am a college student. Somebody keeps stealing my damn message board marker.
I am a college student. I pre-party in my room just so I will be drunk enough not to notice the sub-zero weather when I walk to the bar without a coat.
I am a college student. I pray for hotties in my classes so that I will have a reason to go to that class. I will, however, never talk to any of these hotties.
I am a college student. I can no longer remember what was cooked in those dirty dishes.
I am a college student. I have seen more than one party turn into a strip show.
I am a college student. My telephone number only has 4 digits.
I am a college student. I have spent nights on the floor because I couldn't get up the ladder to my bed.
I am a college student. I see no problem fitting 2 people in one twin size bed.
I am a MALE college student. I know that a gentleman would let her sleep next to the wall. (It's a long way to the floor.)
I am a college student. I will cross busy streets just to pick up what might be a quarter.
I am a college student. I want a girl/boyfriend that disappears from 9pm-2am every friday and saturday night, reappearing undressed in bed with me when I get home.
I am a college student. Answering machine messages are a thing to be celebrated.
I am a college student. When I see movie trailers on TV, I say 'I can't wait to Download that'
I am a college student. Going 'out to eat' no longer involves getting in a vehicle.
I am a college student. I don't know half of my professors' names.
I am a FEMALE college student. I use empty beer bottles for vases.
I am a college student. Christmas lights are a year-round decoration.
I am a college student. Laundry bags double as suitcases.
I am a FEMALE college student. I have worn my huge fuzzy slippers to the cafeteria at dinnertime.
I am a college student. Going to bed before 2:00 is almost unheard of.
I am a college student. If it doesn't look or smell dirty, even if it has been on the floor for 3 days, it can be worn again.
I am a college student. Nat Lite is a high class beer.
I am a college student. I am accustomed to asking "do you have a student discount" wherever I go.
I am a college student. Going to early classes in my pajamas is fine.
I am a college student. Parties Wednesday through Saturday nights are never hard to find.
I am a college student. To get extra money, I sell my plasma, or my roommates cd's.
I am a college student. 3:00 a.m. trips to Wal-Mart is normal, and I am used to being tossed out of Wal-Mart drunk in the wee hours of the morning.
I am a college student. The only times that I eat breakfast are when I am still up from partying the night before... Steak and Shake is open and full of other drunk college students.
I am a FEMALE college student, but you will never see me on a "College Girls Gone Wild" video.
I am a college student. I am an easy target for cops.
I am a college student. I have cussed out the people on the floor above me for being too loud at 3 a.m.
I am a college student. I seldom make my bed.
I am a college student. I use milk crates for furniture and blankets to cover my window.
I am a college student. I enjoy seeing mail in my mailbox.
I am a college student. I have been to a TOGA party.
I am a college student. I have fallen down on campus before.
I am a college student. I plead to not drive whenever a group of us go out just so I don't lose my parking spot.
I am a college student. I hate bike cops.
I am a college student...and love every bit of it!
I am a college student. Procrastination is a must.
I am a college student. But I don't remember what home-cooked meals taste like!

oh wells... some are true.. some.. arent so true... hahha... cuz i dun think walmart is open at like 3 am... haha... oh wells... oh today. i coulda done without that movie.. like i havent seen enough cockroaches today... omg... lets not relive that... DEFINATLY lets not relive that.... haha.. today was a weird day... oh.. before i forget.. lil boy has something that he wants me to pass along to the rest of the world... (if you ask me, i think he just wants to pick some gurls up.. hahha) ANYWAYS.... enjoy.. haha.. in a way its true.. but its kinda twisted.... so i think anyways.. hahaha....in a way, its kinda sweet.. in another way... hmm... more like sweet talking if you ask me.. hahaha ....

girls are like apples on trees,the best ones are at the top of the tree, the boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they afraid of falling and getting hurt, instead they just get the apples that are on the ground that aren't as good but easy, so the apples on the top think that there is something wrong with them wen they are amazing, that is why you have to be a little patient...the right boy,the one who takes the chance to find the good, right apple, will come someday

so all you gurls who are AWSOME, and slightly impatient, dont fall for those jerks. and all those who are just so darn lucky, this is why. hahaha.... and this thinger also explains some of the crap in my life. *sigh* i dont want to deal with it... i really dont.. and i really can do without.... oh wells... apparently i need to deal with these gut-less males... help them find their gut and reach high up into the trees... *sigh* oh wells... someone hasta tell them they're being dumb... rite? otherwise, how else are they supposed to find their one? oh wells. i rather it be me with the crap then to see my sisters hurt...

neways... on another note, if anyone wants to die cuz my dad has his sword out, come over.. hahah.... my dads a silly goof.. we were watching this movie, with sammi cheung and louis koo in it, and they were fighitng with some sword technique... so my dad decides he needs to get my brothers sword out and mess around with it.... *sigh* and after he was made to put it away, guess what he takes out? yep yep. his double sword.... *sigh* ... the things that go on at my house.... *sigh*.... oh wells... and for those of you that are wondering what happened to my klutzy self.... THIS i didnt do, but it happened to me... after i made my dad put away his swords, guess what he decides to play with??? the SHOVEL from the fireplace thinger.. *sigh* and guess what? he decides i need to be smacked with it... *sigh* NEVER watch a movie with my dad.... URGH... haha... so yeha.. if you wanna die, just watch a movie with my dad... watch him take his swords out... hahah.. oh wells... quicke question..how do you know you can trust someone?

WOA.. today?? OMG... i almost had a heart attack or something... but i definatly went into shock at the resturant... like omg.. and no... it wasnt a hot guy..... what kinda ditz or boy-crazed gurl do you think i am!??!?! hahaha.... sooo.. anyways, i was having lunch with my family... we went "yum-cha" as according to ping yum.. others of you know it as dim sum. hahaha... neways, it was all fine and dandy, and we were having a good time, and THEN comes this uninvited guess.. my mom called it a "gat-jat" which translates to cockroach... well i dunno if it WAS a cockroach.. but OMG!!!!!! im NEVER going back there... like omg... i dislike bugs... cockroaches? and scary things that climb down the wall super fast and about to land on your table!? omg... thats like borderline hate... wait... it probably is hate... omg... i was like in shock or something like OMG... so yeah.... that was horrible....

and on another note... to those of you that thought i was falling asleep in sunday school or those skippers that think that i was skipping also... the truth? i found out some heart breaking news today. and in such, i couldnt handle being in sunday school where we were discussing rebuilding relationships and friendships, ESPECIALLY among fellow brothers and sisters. naturally, that hit a softspot in me, and i just couldnt handle it. thats when i actually begun to process the heartbreak that i had numbed myself to. and thats when i couldnt take it. i just needed to be gone for a bit, cuz otherwise, i woulda started crying in class... thats not so good. cuz ya know what? this wasnt in my place to discuss in the first place. it wasnt my decision. i had no part in the decisions. but it affected me... and let me say, it gosh darn kills me. to those of you that noticed something wasnt right with me lately, i guess you were right. and i figured it out... but i rather to not have known what it was... but at least i now know...

and to my dear friend, if you happen to read this, i just wanna say that i dunno what happened, or why you want it like this, or anything... just know that im praying for you, and i'll always remember you because you were a very good friend to me... i dont know what you're thinking or feeling, but i just want to tell you that, there will always be people that love you, and people that want to talk to you... through anything, im sure alan and andrew want to talk to you... as well as i if you wish, because i know im not the easiest person to talk to... too much talking and not enough listening from me. and if you feel like you cant talk to any of us, just remember God is always there right beside you... you may not always hear him or feel him, but some times, i dont know if its true for you, but its definatly true for me, it's because im wallowing too much in my pain and in my situation... its only when i remember and when i learn to trust in Him that i understand and feel him there...

one song by this AWSOME musician - to say in the least, cuz hes just super talented, his name is justis kao.. and some of you have heard me go ON and ON and ON about him and its like "when is she gonna shut up?!?!" but theres this one song he says that rings true.. part of the lyrics of the song goes like this:

I'm only human, often assuming the worst.
And I catch myself wondering, why I'm last, never the first?
Looking for answers, to questions I don?t even have
As if life without sin, or to find what white is to black
Like a time bomb that's ticking inside me,
I'm waiting to the time I?m set free
This pain and confusion has jaded, faded my life.

I will not sink, in the waters around me
I will not think, that my circumstance drown me
I will not trust in the world that's around me
I am kept Strong!
by the One who sustains me.

You insist I can?t reach; you?re convinced you can teach me to fly.
Say I can?t win, then you tell me to not even to try.
You resist what I say, when I tell you I?m not gonna fail
Don?t you know it hurts like a hammer, that?s driving a nail
Like a time bomb that's ticking inside me,
I'm waiting to the time im set free
This pain and confusion has jaded, faded my life.

I will not sink, in the waters around me
I will not think, that my circumstance drown me
I will not trust in the world that's around me
I am kept Strong!
by the One who sustains me.

I will not sink
I will not think
I will not trust
I am kept strong

i guess thats all i can do now.. rite? to just depend on the One that will sustain me, and bring me through this... what else can i do? i dunno...if you think of anything. tell me. you know how to reach me. and dear friend? if i never get to talk to you again, i just wanna thank you for being an awsome friend to me.

so another day has gone by, and theres some exciting and some not so exciting news
exciting: i got sleep!!!!! well... it was 7 hrs, and it was wonderful sleep.. i woke up feeling like i had slept and refreshed, and after 4 days of NOT sleeping... woa.. JUST what i needed... mmmm nice.. hehe... so hopefully it'll be the same to nite. but it hsould be better cuz im at home to nite.. hehe.. if my pjs EVER get dried... grr!!!! hahahha... and not so exciting news? hmm... today? was PRODUCTIVE!!!! yay!!! haha... welll "productive" as usual, i planed to do more then i can do.. oh wells... hmm... what did i learn today? it is those times that we feel alone, that we are most un-alone. haha.. that made no sense.. hmm... bascially, when you feel like no one understands you and that all you have going for you isnt going very far, no worries, other ppl have been there before you, and other people are gonna be there after you. connect with your friends, you'll be surprized at what runs through ppls minds. it may be i different situation, but the feeling is the same... support and love each other, through the tough times... and that is the toughes part of His commandment, to love one another. my challenge to you? love others and love yourself for who you are. thats the one thing that i need to work on... its hard to love a person. we all fail. we all mess up. its especially hard to love me. but you know what guys (and gurls for those of us that need me to be soo darn specific)?? God IS love, and at the end of the day, thats all you need to know in your heart. it hurts to love...but its worth the pain.....

so today was futile. SO unproductive. well... i guess it was productive... i got 5 mins of sleep... in my "nap"... URGH... anyone have any good suggestions about sleeping??? i appear to have a slight problem these days... so yeah... i was too tired to do anything, yet i couldnt sleep to make up for it and i wouldnt let me have caffeine to wake up... cuz whats it gonna do to me after its run its course? im just gonna be worst....*sigh* if anyone one of you smart people figure it out, then tell me ks? let me know... i need sleep.. im going crazy out of my mind.....

so i sat around to day and i did some figuring of things out. one thing that i figured out? i take ppl for granted. you think that they'd be there, but they wont always be. lernt that the hard way. another thing i figured out? i have a bad judge of character. i cant trust some of those that i trust now... so does that mean i should be trusting those that i dont trust rite now and not trust thost that i dont trust rite now? hmm... perplexing thought. another thing that came to me? you know who those that are important to you and who finds you important because they will be those that you turn to and those that are around you when you need them to be...

in looking over the past 2 weeks, i figured out why i found these 2 weeks hard. it wasnt that school was hard or anything, there was just a lot of emotional baggage... not all of it was mine. there were happy times and sad times, just too much for me to handle all at once... and all this "growing up" stuff... too much for me to handle. WAY too much... can i just stop time and be like this forever? sure some of the reasons why i need to grow up is a REALLY good reason... but at the same time, its like how do i start? where do i go from here? *sigh* someone tell me... or wake me up when this is all over........


oh... woa.. something hit me.... one of my friends signed in, and "Job 38:1-2" was in their name.. so i looked it up.

The LORD Speaks From Out of a Storm
From out of a storm, the LORD said to Job:
Why do you talk so much when you know so little?

well. that answers what i had to say i guess... wow. its amazing when God hits you in the head with something eh? its soo cool and yet so like eeee.... cuz you're like.... OMG!!!!!!!! oh wells.. thats as exciting as my day gets.. well... not the part where God hit me in the head, cuz im too deaf and dumb to hear him otherwise..... so yeah... oh wells.. we'll just hafta see where i go from here.

can someone please tell me what im doing wrong?
can someone please tell me whats going on?
can someone please please PLEASE tell me...

whats going on? what happening? why am i like this?
why am i not functioning? why i be who i thought was me?
why am i not understaing life thats around me?
why are people pressing who they think i am, into me?
who am i? truely. who am i to you?
if i cant even define who i am as a person,
how am i to defined others as my friends?

how do i know what is right and what is wrong?
how do i tell a distinction between anything?

does anyone know where i have gone?
apparently im missing... but then im sitting RITE here typing away...
i dont get it. but then when did i truely understand anything?
if anyones seen me, catch me. catch me before im completely loss....

so. stupid story of today.
i went to go get some orange cranberry juice (i know it sounds gross.. but its actually quite yummy.. actually just saying orange cranberry just makes me go EWW! haha... im off track again... ) ANWAYS... its not like i walked into it or anything.. i was just shutting the fridge door... and um... lets just say my big fat self... (okok.. more like my HUGE hip) got in the way... haha.. so yeah.. i got hit with a fridge door... and i did it to myself.. GOOD SPANKING MORNING VIC! *sigh* whats wrong with me? im not awake these days.... *sigh*...

NEWAYS.. just wanted to say "×£´ó¼Ò, ÐÂÄê¿ì˜·;ŒW˜IßM²½!" to those that celebrate it... and no .. im not a fob... this is about all i can read.. hahaha... yeah i know.. my reading needs work... wait.. more like my writting.. i can write like half of that.. hahaha.... oh wells.... moving along... haha

hmm.... the thinger didnt seem to work... its bascially my msn name... minus the ^.~ haha.. neways it says happy new year, and some blessing thinger that bascially says 'may you do well in school/move up the corperate ladder' or something like that.... hahahha ask someone smart... AND can read.. .hahahah

so.. i was listening to this song by some group called KISS... and no.. that the crazy 50/60 yearolds with guitars (at least i think their THAT old... hmm...) neways, they dont even sing in english.. and before you say something.. hold up.. its not in cantonese.. so yeah.. SHUSH! haha.. neways.. the song just kinda hit me... i dunno.. heres the lyrics.. read it and tell me what you think i guess... the song's called "Because Im a Girl"

I just cant understand the hearts of men
They tell you they want you and then they leave you
This is the first time, you`re special
I believed those words and I was so happy
You should have told me you didn`t like me any more
But I couldn`t see that and you just rushed me
Although I will curse you I`ll still miss you
Since I am a girl, to whom love is everything
I heard that if you give up things too easily
To a man, he will get bored with you
I don`t think this is wrong
A girl says that she will never be fooled again
But she will fall in love again
You should have told me you didn`t like me any more
But I couldn`t see that and you just rushed me
Although I will curse you I`ll still miss you
Since I am a girl, to whom love is everything
Hey babe
The pain
It`s not enough to describe how i feel
We were so happy together
But I know now
I`ve been blind
You told me that you`d never let me down
Whenever I needed you you`d always be here
I can forgive but I cant forget
Even though you hurt me
I still love you
I still love you
Don`t take advantage of a girl`s willingness to do anything for love
And her caring instinct
I didn`t know that to be born as a girl and to be loved was so hard
Although i will curse you i`ll still miss you
Since i am a girl, to whom love is everything
Although i will curse you i`ll still miss you
Since i am a girl, to whom love is everything

so yeah.... i dunno.. i think its the "A girl says that she will never be fooled again but she will fall in love again" part that hit me... i duno.. i cant explain it.. maybe SOME of you know what i mean... haha... maybe not... and if you dont.. dont worry.. its not THAT importnat... trust me... and then NEXT on my winamp plays "there is none like you" now.. THAT really made me think... like i wasnt doing enough to begin with.. the most thinking i do is hmm.. what should i cook so that i can eat so that certain ppl *cough cough* dont get me? so yeah...

There is none like You,
No one else can touch my heart like You do;
I can search for all eternity long,
And find there is none like You.

theres also a verse to this song. one that almost no one knows. and its really good. it says

Your mercy flows like a river wide,
And healing comes from Your hands;
Suffering children are safe in Your arms,
There is none like You.

and when i was looking up the lyrics to this song (cuz im too lazy to type them out) the verse changed the perspective of the song.. try it. just sing the chorus. and leave it at that, after reading the lyrics of "because im a girl" now read/sing the verse with the chorus after reading/singing (if you know it) "because im a girl" see how easy it is for ones perspective to change? i dunno where im going with this exactly, to be honest.. but then i never knew where i was going.. so yeah... neways, maybe my perspectives have just shifted so much lately, that i dont even know what im thinking anymore.. or maybe this is truely where im told to go... i've done somethinking on things that dont involve school *gasp* *shocked look* i know.. haha.. my brain is so dead... thats ALL it thinks about.. and even then, it doesnt think... hahaha... but yeah... maybe im just over generalizing and making a blanket statment about people... sure i dun think i've come rite out and said it to anyone, but if i did (and i probably did.. i probably just forgot, like everything else i forget) im sorry. and if you dunno what blanket statement im referring to, then this probably just doesnt apply to you...

so yeah.. im kinda in a pick and choose yourself mode.. haha.. could you tell??? haha... so yeah.. pick what you want to apply to you from this, disregard what you want from this. im not naming names.. dont even bother asking if you belong with something or not... you should know...

so..... i was talking to my buddy aaron.... and... a revelation occured!!!! like WOA...... for those of you that dont know.... umm... lets just say that we tend to have a communication problem... hahaha..... and for those of you that know... SHHHH... hahahahaha...... neways, we were talking about free will vs. predestination... and for those of you that have been to way during one of those times that this is discussed, know that either the speaker tells us nothing in the end, or the discussion goes on FOREVER... so yes.. what the both of us came up with.....

oks... imagine you're a parent. you have the most adorable kid.. (its an ANALOGY!!!! dont get specific on me!!!!... you know who you are!!!!! *glares* haha) NEWAYs.. neways, you put them in the nursery. and you just KNOW which toy they are gonna play with, which toy catches their eye the most. where they want to go explore.. as a parent and knowing them soo well, you just know what their gonna do. its also like giving your kid a cookie (or a bottle of milk for those milk babies out there hehehe....^.~) you're gonna know if your kids gonna eat it or not, but you give it to them anyways, so that they can decide if they wanna eat it, or not, or just hang on to it, or play with it, or if their gonna give it back to you.

in a way thats like God. he gives us things. he puts us into places with situations, and he KNOWS how we're gonna react to it... but he just wants to see what we're gonna do.. maybe we're gonna explore and learn, maybe we will give the cookie back to him.... he knows, but he wants us to have a choice. at the same time, he knows us so well that he knows what we're gonna do... oks.. im gonna quote a lil of what aaron said.. which is so true but never really hit home til today. i asked him what he thought was so amazing about our lil conversation and he said:

"the biggest thing i think... is how well God knows us. i mean God knew us in our womb, he knows our thot patterns, he knows our hair count, he knows which choices we have made, making now... and will make

and for those of you who are gunbounding crazied (though i dunno why... cuz theres just WAY too much fisix involved with it....) its like being put into a room with a computer. 2 options. gunbounding OR doing your assignement that is like PURE cheese.... for those of you like my brothers??? hmm... the answer is gunbounding... see? there was a choice for you. but the person that put you there, KNEW what you're gonna do.

OH! and we talked about something else too... why do bad things happen? theres a lotta reasons that ppl say is why it happens.. some say its because theres no God... but when you look to nature, how can you doubt that theres a God? .. some say because we have sinned.. but God is a loving God and he forgives us, and forgive means forgetting also.....so, the result of the discussion we had?

"how is a kid supposed to learn to not play with a hot glue gun unless they get a blister? how does one play guitar well, without firstly developing calouses?"

so i guess what im trying to say, is that all this? its just a way for us to learn.. how else do we know what is right or wrong, unless we watch those we love get hurt, or get hurt ourselves? its one thing for someone to tell you what is right and wrong, and its a totally different thing when you can actually experience it, to feel it, to know what its like, in a way its like that longing or need to satisfy ones curiosity...

sorry guys.. i kinda rambled and preached to you ... whoops.. funny.. i was thinking how not much happened in my day, and i didnt have anything to blog about and lookie here... a whole "sermon" later.. hahah... its aarons fault.. i sooo blame him..... oh.. and apparnetly hes gonna blog about this too... so yeah.. whenever he gets to it... you can read his interpretation at aaron's page.. haha hes not as long winded at me.. haha.. but yeah... haha...

OH! and something i read today.. that i found pretty amazing...

.::THANK YOU::..
Thank You to those who hated me, you made me a stronger person.
Thank You to those who loved me, you made my heart bigger.
Thank You to those who envied me, you made my self esteem grow.
Thank You to those who cared, you made me feel important.
Thank You to those who worried, you let me know that some of you actually care.
Thank You to those who left, you showed me that not everything is forever.
Thank You to those who stayed, you showed me the meaning of true friends.
Thank You to those who entered my life, you made me who I am today.

so yeah.... every one in my life has had a plave and was put in my life because thats what God wants. and if i havent met you then, maybe i need to meet you.. there was a reason that you stumbled to this page rite?

heres a lil something i got in my email today...

"Men are like

........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.
........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
........ Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
........ Popcorn ........ They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
........ Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. "

so remeber that ladies.. hahaha... naw... thats like 99% of guys, then when one finds one thats in the other 1%, thats when nothing anyone says about him, will make you budge. soo... to all those guys that managed to get their hands on one of my sisters? take good care of them, or beware.. haha... and for all my gurls? congrats.. ya lucky bum!!! hahaha...

haha... soo random today... omg.... and such a blonde day today too!!!!! oks... simple question. whats the average between 28 and 30? and body know?! hmm.. APPARENTLY not me.. haha.... stupid psyche lab... hahaha....... oh boy. that was the hardest i've laughed in a while... weirdness.... or maybe i just think that cuz im soo tired... hmm... neways... yesterday??? omg.... stupid internet wouldnt work, so lack of contacting people, and phone? NO ONE PICKED UP!!!!! its like they all left me.. .hmm... maybe i should take a hint... hahaha.... oh yes.. my point to bloggging... well, the reason i felt like blogging to begin with.. before everything else.....haha

its amazing how there are so many people that do things in love. not for any other reason. but it is out of their love for us that they do certain things. sometimes we dont want to do certain things, but when you think about it, theres no other choice. either do it because of love for the other person, or just let the other person be. we live and wallow in the depths of life. yet even then Jesus loves us. and he didnt want to, but he did come down to this filthy place so that we could be rescued. how amazing is that? and since HE lived a life of love, why do we find it so hard to love others, just as he loved and STILL loves us? i dunno.. that was just some thought i had at one point or another... i dunno.. if you wanna say something long or have it up here or something, email or msn it to me and i'll put it up. unedited. and credited to you. cuz ya know.. im not smart enough to say whatever you hafta say.. so yeah.. Hes amazing.

guess what? this is the time where you're supposed to find yourself and discover who you truely are rite? well guess what? the more i look and the more i try to find myself, the more i lose who i am... the more some people take over some aspects of my life.... *sigh* i guess im just gonna hafta live with who i am now and stop looking for me before im completely gone...

so im bumming around today cuz im done classes.. rite??? and im talking to people, getting ticked at certain people.. but what else is new? neways.. so i go and read my sisters blog.. and she tells a story and joel? you're right.. it IS a freaking novel!!!! neways so im like reading and talking.. and then i get to this:

"But why does the little girl trip? Because her name is Vickee?"

and im like WHAT?! and then i start laughing... why? cuz.. im a klutz.. hahah.... but i havent tripped skating yet... hahaha... key word?? YET hahaha....oh wells... and then theres me and my sneezing and ouching of the knee... dun ask.. lets just say i have a bruise.. hahahha.... oh wells.. i think this is as interesting as my day's gonna get.. haha

firstly, HAPPY BURFDAY MY DEAREST ALAN!!!!!!! ^.^

oks today. i went for a coffee with stephy.. and you ALL know what THAT means.. rite? *insert winky face here* hahhaa.. neways.. this is what came out of it (and if you dun want to be stupidfied (is that EVEN a word?!?!?!) then dun read this.. hahaha

"not ONLY does steph give you a hernia and is X rated, she's a yankee too!!!" --hung.

hahhaha.. oh boy... this one is gonna be tough to explain.. so maybe i should just leave it to her... maybe.. hahahahhaha.... yeah ask her.. haha

oks.. in dedication to my dear Jon... haha... see?? told ya.. i'd put your name in there..
thats what you get for not believeing me. .. hahahha... oh wells..

so neways.. i was talking to one of my bestest friends in the WHOLE world... and all i hafta say is EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....dun worry. she gets it. she knows about it.. hahah... she understands it.. haha.. and for the rest of you... lets spare your virgin ears, eyes and brain... trust me on that one... its quite... umm... explicit shall i say? hahahahha... i have no words for it..

oks. so i was trying to do my math.. which i dun get.. cuz i just dun get math.. dun ask me why im in science. i dun get it either.. haha... yeah. theres not much i get in this world. haha..

so yes. dear jon thinks theres something wrong with me. but there isnt... well.. not to abnormal anyways.. because apparently .. i need to have a boyfriend.. but i dun get it.. does anyone get it??? if you do tell me.. cuz i wanna know.. haha... then maybe i'd understand his concern.... cuz i dun get it... i dun see whats wrong with being me... so yeah.. please and thanx ya.

oks.. this is what i couldnt explain... and probably still cant. how do you explain something you dont understand completly? am i that easy to lie to? am i just too dumb?? well excuse me for believing in others and believing what they say and excuse the mental retardation. cant do a thing about that.

a while ago, someone said that they loved me. someone said that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me. stupid me. i believed that person. i shouldnt have. but i did anyways. they say hindesight is 20/20. its true. its very true. 2 weeks into whatever it was that we between us, something came up. something that i didnt really think about, til then. in hindesight and in the analysis of what went wrong... that was part of it. this thing, just strained us. and seperated us into different worlds. i in mine, and him in his. why was i so blind? because i chose to believe that what was said was true, that he wouldnt lie to me. that he wouldnt want to hurt me. i believed him, despite myself. now in thinking back.. what did he think of me? a slut? a hoe? a whore? probably all 3 and more other words that i cant even grasp. or attempt to grasp at. he said he loved me. maybe it was just all imagined. he never really respected me as a person. so why was i even involved?

a month after. he lied to me. and this time, i caught him. you cant lie to someone about their best friend. its impossible. in the end, it will just come back at you. best friends dont hide things from one another. and this was no exception. see the strain that was before? it didnt help that he was lying to me. it was kinda stupid when i think back to it. it wasnt extremely devistating, or even devistating at all. yet, he couldnt own up to the truth. he couldnt even admit to saying whatever it was against one of my best friends. how can i trust him? with his best friend, my friend, he honestly thought he could get himself out. no. friends dont lie to each other. with 2 people telling me the truth, and one of them, i trusted with my life, how can he DARE think that he was going to get away? am i really that stupid? there are many things i will tolerate. lying isnt one of them. never has been. never will be.

the last 2 weeks of it all? were spent in horror. i couldnt sleep at night. and during the day, i couldnt function. this was right during exam time, followed by the start of the summer as well. definatly not a good combination. to do well, one needs to get their sleep. and i wasnt getting that. during the day, i was exausted, for i couldnt sleep at night. i was also living in terror. afraid that my nightmares would come true. see, sometimes, rite before falling asleep, i have a dream. usually those dreams come true. my nightmares at night were right before i fell asleep. this made me all the more anxious and stressed, as if school wasnt bad enough. every night, i'd lie there, awake, because i couldnt sleep. i knew that if i slept, this nightmare would come. on the outside, i wanted to and made myself believe in the good of him. on the inside, i was just so scared of him. between fits of sleep, i got my self through the weeks.

they say the first cut is the deepest. rite twinnie? thats the cut that did me in. wonder why i have such a hard time trusting guys? maybe i still do. theres always going to be one bad egg in the carton. this i know well. and yet i cant forget. maybe it cut deeper then i thought possible. maybe not. i put this behind me. told myself i'd never think about it again for the grief it caused me. hoping that one day, it'll just go away, and i'll never hafta think about it again.

its been at least a year since i thought about that. and why is it bugging me now? because some decisions of life need to be made. some questions were asked to me, and of me. and i had to do some thinking. hard as it was, i didnt want to. i didnt want to remember this. i thought this was all my past. but its not, because its still around and it's still bugging me. i thought i had started over, and started anew. but i havent. because the future links to the decisions in the past. and now i must look into my past and deal with things there and fix it, so that my futur may be unhindered from it.

oks... quick question to whoever reads this. being slapped across the face. funny? or not so funny. slapping ppl across the face. funny? or not so funny? msg me or text me or whatever. get back to me. explain later.

.......and that is all i hafta say.........rite gurls? hahahaha

so...
today i learnt that we obey because it is a response of our love. how do i figure? because why else would we listen? we only want to listen because we love. simple eh? so im a lil dumb... what else is new?
today it really hit me that i reget getting involved with him... i was nothing more then a slut and someone that was easy in the first place... just never really wondered why i didnt see that in the first place and it took me so many years to figure that one out... always go with your instincts.
today, i looked up.. and saw all these things that are on my wall and i finally understood why all these things are happen.. you cant have one half of an opposite without the other. how is one gonna understand the one half unless they had the other half to compare and contrast with?
funny what you get out of a day because you were still and you listened for him.

if i told you i loved you.. would you believe it?
of course not. you never believe anything i hafta say anyways.
if i told you i wasnt lying.. would you listen to me then?
ha. no. who am i kidding? you just dont have time....
why do i listen to your lies? why do i believe you?
who are you? wheres the one that i loved?

whats going on? why are there so many hurts?
so many pains? so many lies? what are we doing?
why are we lying to ourselves...

......i'll tell ya if i ever find out....

when will this all fade away?
oh on that day.. there will be great rejoycing.
at least from this one.

oks.. so.. after like a hard and trying time for me, some things were revealed to me. today is ecf, and it was the first real breath of air that i've had in a while. just a breather that i really needed. it was like i forgot how to breathe or something. so many wonderful things have been hapening to me, but i couldnt appreciate it for it's worth. why? so many other things are wearing me down. so anways, tonits topic? "Talking with God" a scary and yet SO cool thing to do! haha.. neways, today, i actually brought my bible. like WOA .. i wasnt gonna at first, but then i was like meh. i'll bring my small one.. cuz i didnt really feel like luging anything around... hahah... neways, Randy said something about how God said "be still, and now that I am God". and for some reason that really really hit me. i've been running around lately. dun really know why. dun really know how. but i was. and so that was like woa. cuz it was AS IF God whispered in my ear "woa.. slow down there... breathe a lil... relax. its in my hands..." and thats when it hit me. why am i running around? why am i panicked? Randy had referenced it to Psalm 46. man, was i GLAD to have brought my bible there. in Psalm 46, it says:

"God is our refuge and strength
an ever present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
'Be still, and know that I am God:
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth'
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of acob is our fortress."

and after reading that, it was like wow. He understands. It was kinda like God saying "focus on what you need to focus and do what you need to do, I have it ALL under control" i dunno. in a way it was what i needed to hear. i look at pictures from the past, and its like wow. what happened? and i really miss those times... all week, i just needed to look at those pics to remind myself of the good times... but everytime i went to look at it because i couldnt believe we had those amazing times, i'd just wanna go and cry again. and i'd never get to looking at those pictures... i just couldnt. funny how one day, everything is all nice and pretty and you go to bed thinking how lucky you really are and how God has really blessed you, only to wake up in the morning to find that its all an illusion, and what you thought you had? you never really had to begin with... it just seems so senseless... i dunno..

and i wanna just thank all of you for being patient with me lately.. i've been short tempered and just in general, annoying.. so i just wanna thank you for just listening to me, or just putting up with me even... and i just want to tell ya that each one of you is God sent. like my own little guardian angel, just there... looking out for me...

and if i can have one request from all of this? pray for love. pray for love for one another. pray for love for family members. pray for love as an individual. as a family. as a group of friends. as a country. as a nation. if theres one thing that really hurts, its to see people turn against each other. there's enough suffering and pain. enough lives ripped appart. why turn on each other, when God calls us to be a family? too many silent tears are shed. love those around you. show them that you love them. what is life without love? truely think about it. what is anything without love?

why is it that those i love are being hurt?
maybe i should stop loving.
maybe then, the hurting will stop...

Forever 17 ~ZOEgirl

Never thought it would be me
Living in this shattered dream
How could this be
The end for me
What I wouldn't give to have
A life to live
A day to plan
Instead I'll be
Forever 17

I coulda lived out every dream
I coulda been most anything

Can someone wake me up
I haven't lived yet
I'm only 17...
God did you forget
I'm just a baby
And I don't wanna be
Forever 17..

I'll never have a bed to make
A test to take
A summer day
I'll always be
Forever 17
I coulda had family
If things had worked out differently
Instead I'll be
Forever 17

Oh could I have just one more day
A chance to learn from my mistakes

Can someone wake me up
I haven't lived yet
I'm only 17...
God did you forget
I'm just a baby
And I don't wanna be
Forever 17...

In a matter of the moment
Life fell before my eyes
Now I'm looking at
The meaning of
The miracle of life
Where were we going
Without ever knowing
The answers deep inside

Forever 17....
So don't give up..
You haven't lived yet...
You're only...17....
And God did not forget.....
You're just a baby..

where were you when i needed you?
*sigh*
sometimes, what you long for and miss, is what the world thinks you already have...

someone take this from us.
i cant deal anymore.
why is this all hidden from me?
why are these cries not answered?
why do these scream remain unheard?
how is it im sheltered from it?
everything is behind closed doors...
closed from even me.
why am i all alone?
why have they left me?
do i not count?
do i not matter?
maybe its better this way.
maybe they think its better this way.
everything seems to just hit me.
im drowning in a sea that exists only to me.
why cant i swim out of this?
why are my legs not kicking?
why are my arms not pulling me up?
someone save us.
no wait.
save them.
i'll manage.
if theres one thing i want,
its to see them safe
hold them close.
dont let go.
watch over them when i cant
hold them close to you.
neglect me,
if it means you hold them THAT much closer
give them strength when they have none
show them the way.
be their light
they are my life.
dont loose them.
give me all their burdens.
make me suffer more,
if it'll give them one more day of happiness
they are still young.
their just learning to walk.
show them the path so that they dont get lost.
show them you love and that you care
teach them what love is,
regardless of what goes on around them
give them all a willing heart to do what is right,
and not what is easy.
that is all i ask.

so today i moved back into res.. and man!im SUCH a lazy bum.. like omg... and im STIL not unpacked yet.. its been like 3 hrs.. *Sigh*... maybe more moving and less talking.. cuz i cant seem to talk and move at the same time.. haha.. so problematic... oh wells.. hahahaha back to unpacking.. more blogging later.. its been a weird last couple days... explain later.. haha

woa.... AWSOMEST day today.. crazy.
Praise God for it too!!!!!!
know whats so good about my day?

- ate tons... felt like a turkey being stuffed
- wasnt sick at all
- ate as much as i wanted
- didnt get nagged at to eat more
- got shoes!!!! that were on SALE!!!! Boo-yeah baby! haha
- laughed like nuts at my family (we were soo silly today.. like omg)
- was warm for most of the day.. basically up until now.. haha...
- _______________

that blank up ther eis for whatever else i forgot.. cuz im pretty sure i forgot something... hmm... ask andrew.. he should know.. and di, if you ever read this.. not your andrew... but i doubt she'll read this so meh. and if you know something that i forgot.. TELL MEEEEE... or keep it to yourself and be selfish.. haha.. i dunno.. this was just an awsome day and i didnt even think about it.. crazy. *sigh* im going back to res like tomlo and i dunno.. its a weird feeling... its a different pressure there.. thats for sure.. and on top of that, its more like what i put on me. funny. i thought i'd get more done in the 3 weeks i had off.. apparently not.. hmm...i dun wanna go back to school.. i like this lets live at home and make a HUGE mess and not hafta clean up after me kinda deal... its so much more fun then cleaning up after me!!!!!oks.. i think thats enough from me.. maybe i need to go pack now.. hmm... or watch the movie... i dunno.. hmm.. or do nothing.. .hahaha. i dunno....

p.s. andrews email is big_mac@hotmail.com and his phone number is 905 462-9291 .. you think i'd really give you his number? what if you're some freak looking to call him? hmm... see??? i dun wanna die cuz of this so yeah.. hahaha.. and his email? wanna know if its real or not? hmm.... naww.... suspense man... hahaha....do i look like i wanna die? yeah i do? naw. life is too awsome to die.. haha and his phone number says "go away!" hahahah

my aunt from hk is here!!!! hehehe...
NEWAYs.. shes HILARIOUS.. omg... non stop laughing..
soo much fun but so tiring.
i wanted to go to bed and it was only like 730.. yeah.. odd..
neways.. blog later. im exausted.