oks.. in dedication to my dear Jon... haha... see?? told ya.. i'd put your name in there..
thats what you get for not believeing me. .. hahahha... oh wells..

so neways.. i was talking to one of my bestest friends in the WHOLE world... and all i hafta say is EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....dun worry. she gets it. she knows about it.. hahah... she understands it.. haha.. and for the rest of you... lets spare your virgin ears, eyes and brain... trust me on that one... its quite... umm... explicit shall i say? hahahahha... i have no words for it..

oks. so i was trying to do my math.. which i dun get.. cuz i just dun get math.. dun ask me why im in science. i dun get it either.. haha... yeah. theres not much i get in this world. haha..

so yes. dear jon thinks theres something wrong with me. but there isnt... well.. not to abnormal anyways.. because apparently .. i need to have a boyfriend.. but i dun get it.. does anyone get it??? if you do tell me.. cuz i wanna know.. haha... then maybe i'd understand his concern.... cuz i dun get it... i dun see whats wrong with being me... so yeah.. please and thanx ya.

oks.. this is what i couldnt explain... and probably still cant. how do you explain something you dont understand completly? am i that easy to lie to? am i just too dumb?? well excuse me for believing in others and believing what they say and excuse the mental retardation. cant do a thing about that.

a while ago, someone said that they loved me. someone said that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me. stupid me. i believed that person. i shouldnt have. but i did anyways. they say hindesight is 20/20. its true. its very true. 2 weeks into whatever it was that we between us, something came up. something that i didnt really think about, til then. in hindesight and in the analysis of what went wrong... that was part of it. this thing, just strained us. and seperated us into different worlds. i in mine, and him in his. why was i so blind? because i chose to believe that what was said was true, that he wouldnt lie to me. that he wouldnt want to hurt me. i believed him, despite myself. now in thinking back.. what did he think of me? a slut? a hoe? a whore? probably all 3 and more other words that i cant even grasp. or attempt to grasp at. he said he loved me. maybe it was just all imagined. he never really respected me as a person. so why was i even involved?

a month after. he lied to me. and this time, i caught him. you cant lie to someone about their best friend. its impossible. in the end, it will just come back at you. best friends dont hide things from one another. and this was no exception. see the strain that was before? it didnt help that he was lying to me. it was kinda stupid when i think back to it. it wasnt extremely devistating, or even devistating at all. yet, he couldnt own up to the truth. he couldnt even admit to saying whatever it was against one of my best friends. how can i trust him? with his best friend, my friend, he honestly thought he could get himself out. no. friends dont lie to each other. with 2 people telling me the truth, and one of them, i trusted with my life, how can he DARE think that he was going to get away? am i really that stupid? there are many things i will tolerate. lying isnt one of them. never has been. never will be.

the last 2 weeks of it all? were spent in horror. i couldnt sleep at night. and during the day, i couldnt function. this was right during exam time, followed by the start of the summer as well. definatly not a good combination. to do well, one needs to get their sleep. and i wasnt getting that. during the day, i was exausted, for i couldnt sleep at night. i was also living in terror. afraid that my nightmares would come true. see, sometimes, rite before falling asleep, i have a dream. usually those dreams come true. my nightmares at night were right before i fell asleep. this made me all the more anxious and stressed, as if school wasnt bad enough. every night, i'd lie there, awake, because i couldnt sleep. i knew that if i slept, this nightmare would come. on the outside, i wanted to and made myself believe in the good of him. on the inside, i was just so scared of him. between fits of sleep, i got my self through the weeks.

they say the first cut is the deepest. rite twinnie? thats the cut that did me in. wonder why i have such a hard time trusting guys? maybe i still do. theres always going to be one bad egg in the carton. this i know well. and yet i cant forget. maybe it cut deeper then i thought possible. maybe not. i put this behind me. told myself i'd never think about it again for the grief it caused me. hoping that one day, it'll just go away, and i'll never hafta think about it again.

its been at least a year since i thought about that. and why is it bugging me now? because some decisions of life need to be made. some questions were asked to me, and of me. and i had to do some thinking. hard as it was, i didnt want to. i didnt want to remember this. i thought this was all my past. but its not, because its still around and it's still bugging me. i thought i had started over, and started anew. but i havent. because the future links to the decisions in the past. and now i must look into my past and deal with things there and fix it, so that my futur may be unhindered from it.