and on another note... to those of you that thought i was falling asleep in sunday school or those skippers that think that i was skipping also... the truth? i found out some heart breaking news today. and in such, i couldnt handle being in sunday school where we were discussing rebuilding relationships and friendships, ESPECIALLY among fellow brothers and sisters. naturally, that hit a softspot in me, and i just couldnt handle it. thats when i actually begun to process the heartbreak that i had numbed myself to. and thats when i couldnt take it. i just needed to be gone for a bit, cuz otherwise, i woulda started crying in class... thats not so good. cuz ya know what? this wasnt in my place to discuss in the first place. it wasnt my decision. i had no part in the decisions. but it affected me... and let me say, it gosh darn kills me. to those of you that noticed something wasnt right with me lately, i guess you were right. and i figured it out... but i rather to not have known what it was... but at least i now know...
and to my dear friend, if you happen to read this, i just wanna say that i dunno what happened, or why you want it like this, or anything... just know that im praying for you, and i'll always remember you because you were a very good friend to me... i dont know what you're thinking or feeling, but i just want to tell you that, there will always be people that love you, and people that want to talk to you... through anything, im sure alan and andrew want to talk to you... as well as i if you wish, because i know im not the easiest person to talk to... too much talking and not enough listening from me. and if you feel like you cant talk to any of us, just remember God is always there right beside you... you may not always hear him or feel him, but some times, i dont know if its true for you, but its definatly true for me, it's because im wallowing too much in my pain and in my situation... its only when i remember and when i learn to trust in Him that i understand and feel him there...
one song by this AWSOME musician - to say in the least, cuz hes just super talented, his name is justis kao.. and some of you have heard me go ON and ON and ON about him and its like "when is she gonna shut up?!?!" but theres this one song he says that rings true.. part of the lyrics of the song goes like this:
I'm only human, often assuming the worst.
And I catch myself wondering, why I'm last, never the first?
Looking for answers, to questions I don?t even have
As if life without sin, or to find what white is to black
Like a time bomb that's ticking inside me,
I'm waiting to the time I?m set free
This pain and confusion has jaded, faded my life.
I will not sink, in the waters around me
I will not think, that my circumstance drown me
I will not trust in the world that's around me
I am kept Strong!
by the One who sustains me.
You insist I can?t reach; you?re convinced you can teach me to fly.
Say I can?t win, then you tell me to not even to try.
You resist what I say, when I tell you I?m not gonna fail
Don?t you know it hurts like a hammer, that?s driving a nail
Like a time bomb that's ticking inside me,
I'm waiting to the time im set free
This pain and confusion has jaded, faded my life.
I will not sink, in the waters around me
I will not think, that my circumstance drown me
I will not trust in the world that's around me
I am kept Strong!
by the One who sustains me.
I will not sink
I will not think
I will not trust
I am kept strong
i guess thats all i can do now.. rite? to just depend on the One that will sustain me, and bring me through this... what else can i do? i dunno...if you think of anything. tell me. you know how to reach me. and dear friend? if i never get to talk to you again, i just wanna thank you for being an awsome friend to me.
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