oks.. so.. after like a hard and trying time for me, some things were revealed to me. today is ecf, and it was the first real breath of air that i've had in a while. just a breather that i really needed. it was like i forgot how to breathe or something. so many wonderful things have been hapening to me, but i couldnt appreciate it for it's worth. why? so many other things are wearing me down. so anways, tonits topic? "Talking with God" a scary and yet SO cool thing to do! haha.. neways, today, i actually brought my bible. like WOA .. i wasnt gonna at first, but then i was like meh. i'll bring my small one.. cuz i didnt really feel like luging anything around... hahah... neways, Randy said something about how God said "be still, and now that I am God". and for some reason that really really hit me. i've been running around lately. dun really know why. dun really know how. but i was. and so that was like woa. cuz it was AS IF God whispered in my ear "woa.. slow down there... breathe a lil... relax. its in my hands..." and thats when it hit me. why am i running around? why am i panicked? Randy had referenced it to Psalm 46. man, was i GLAD to have brought my bible there. in Psalm 46, it says:

"God is our refuge and strength
an ever present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
'Be still, and know that I am God:
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth'
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of acob is our fortress."

and after reading that, it was like wow. He understands. It was kinda like God saying "focus on what you need to focus and do what you need to do, I have it ALL under control" i dunno. in a way it was what i needed to hear. i look at pictures from the past, and its like wow. what happened? and i really miss those times... all week, i just needed to look at those pics to remind myself of the good times... but everytime i went to look at it because i couldnt believe we had those amazing times, i'd just wanna go and cry again. and i'd never get to looking at those pictures... i just couldnt. funny how one day, everything is all nice and pretty and you go to bed thinking how lucky you really are and how God has really blessed you, only to wake up in the morning to find that its all an illusion, and what you thought you had? you never really had to begin with... it just seems so senseless... i dunno..

and i wanna just thank all of you for being patient with me lately.. i've been short tempered and just in general, annoying.. so i just wanna thank you for just listening to me, or just putting up with me even... and i just want to tell ya that each one of you is God sent. like my own little guardian angel, just there... looking out for me...

and if i can have one request from all of this? pray for love. pray for love for one another. pray for love for family members. pray for love as an individual. as a family. as a group of friends. as a country. as a nation. if theres one thing that really hurts, its to see people turn against each other. there's enough suffering and pain. enough lives ripped appart. why turn on each other, when God calls us to be a family? too many silent tears are shed. love those around you. show them that you love them. what is life without love? truely think about it. what is anything without love?