reasons why i should never sleep.

1. i dunno whats going on afterwards
2. i forget all that im supposed to do
3. i sleep for an eternity and never wake up.
4. all i wanna do is sleep some more
5. my eyes get all puffy (ask daddy. he said it. i dun get it)
6. i wake up and wonder where the world has gone
7. i end up doing too much thinking, cuz my brain has nothing to do
8. i get WAY too relaxed.
9. i forget all i was going to do
10. everything appears irrevelent.

I NEED A HUG!!!!

oks. now that THATS established....hehehe
its been a while since a real post.. haha.. lots of other things and random vents. talk about pms! jz! all things aside, what a crazy year its been. everything from being im pretty sure i'd never be able to talk to my twinnie like a real friend, never mind a twinnie, to being able to start the new year with her. its amazing.

oh! why i need a hug? if you know about eternal happiness...and you finished it... you'll know why. but if you dun understand it.. i COULD explain.. but yeah. its too long for here. i talk enough as is. but yeah..in a way.. it kinda reminded me of things... and if you need to know... YES eternal happiness has sap in it.. and yes it made me cry.. thats why i need a hug. hahaha. but seriously? watch it. its so cute and sweet.... and kinda along the lines of "a walk to remember" but its like 20 hrs long. (theres 32 episodes i think..) and yeah..but im done that now.. so i guess i can be a normal person again. hahaha

oks.. this is from cinderella's blog. cuz i dunno what else to say about 2004. and after this i shall be shopping. cuz i need to. hahaha anyone wanna dig me out from the snow? or get my car out from under the snow? please? o.0 <-- me looking at the car trying to figure out how to get it out. hahahaha

Reflections on 2004

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? had ppl over til 6 in the morning. hahahahaa
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? umm. i dunno what my resolution was... maybe i shouldnt make any this year.. cuz i wont remember it anyways...
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? umm...does lisa count?
4. Did anyone close to you die? lets not discuss that.. those things are horrible to remember...
5. What countries did you visit? the wonderful world of my room. oh dear me. i could get lost in here!
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? a clean room maybe?
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? sept. 5th. sammi left me. for her jail cell.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? i didnt fail out
9. What was your biggest failure? i failed some people which do not need to be named. they know who they are. and it wont matter. they dont read this anyways.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? does heartbreak count?
11. What was the best thing you bought? wendy's bible!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? uhhh.... someone explain. small words.. preferably in english...
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? jon and petes. last nite at timothys. oks. not depressed... just very very very appalled.
14. Where did most of your money go? school stinking tution!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? sammi comming home!
16. What song will always remind you of 2004? perfect. by simple plan
17. Compared to this time last year, you are:

i. happier or sadder? apparnetly happier..according to certain people..
ii. thinner or fatter? DEFINTALY fatter.
iii. richer or poorer? umm... i'd like to say richer.. but after christmas shopping.. it will be poorer.. (yeah...i know... im not done yet...)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? listening ....preferably other people and God and not me...and learning..
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? talking. and making faces at steph. hahaha
20. How will you be spending Christmas / Hanukah? at home. like a bump on a log.
21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2004? ask carmen. OH DEAR ME
22. Did you fall in love in 2004? yes. with frosti.
23. How many one-night stands? um. none. hahaha.
24. What was your favorite TV program? i dun watch tv...
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? nope. still hate the same people.. unless you wanna count that guy that followed me around in the book store...
26. What was the best book you read? anything by corrie ten boom
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? my brother on electric. well..acoustic i already knew.. but still. crazy!
28. What did you want and get? sammi comming home. and my brother growing up nicely.
29. What did you want and not get? "world peace" ask my daddy. oh dear me.
30. What was your favorite film of this year? does eternal happiness count?
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i went to toronto for dinner with my grammie. and stayed there. im old. you dun need to know how old.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? world peace. and abolishment of politics. omg. that makes my head hurt SO MUCH!
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? comfortable
34. What kept you sane? God. and a list of people
35. Which celebrity / public figure did you fancy the most this year? fancy as in they were cute? or what? i dun seem to recall one... hmm.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? see number 32. and my heads hurting again. BLAH!!!
37. Who did you miss? starts with m or j or s. you know who you are. hahaha
38. Who was the best new person you met? do i only gotta pick one???
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Gods love is amazing. and it NEVER fails.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year :

I'm only human, often assuming the worst
And I catch myself wondering why I'm last and never the first
I'm looking for answers to questions I don't even have
As if life were that simple defined

Like a time-bomb that's tickin' inside me
I'm waiting till the time I'm set free
This pain and confusion has jaded, invaded my life

I will not sink in the waters around me
I will not think that my circumstance drowns me
I will not trust in the world that surrounds me
I am kept strong by the one who sustains me

You insist I can't reach, you're convinced you can't teach me to fly
You say I can't win, and you tell me not even to try
You resist what I say when I tell you I'm not gonna fail
Don't you know that it hurts like a hammer that's driving a nail

Like a time-bomb that's tickin' inside me
I'm waiting till the time I'm set free
This pain and confusion has jaded, invaded my life

I will not sink in the waters around me
I will not think that my circumstance drowns me
I will not trust in the world that surrounds me
I am kept strong by the One who sustains me.

thats sustained, but justis kao. and i actually found what his thoughts were on that song.. here

The main verse that thing song comes from is Psalm 55:22 "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

This song came at a time in my life where I felt like I had reached an ultimate low. I was confused and starting to doubt myself in a lot of ways. The chorus just kind of sang itself out of me because is had Psalm 55:22 in my head. It has been a blessing to me time and time again because it is a song that the Lord has given me to remind myself that he is ever-present in my life and sovereign over all situations, good or bad, happy or sad. For that I am grateful — Justis Kao

so.... my hilarious jess... wrote an email.... in it, she said

PS girls yor responsible for your boyz keep me updated if they crap out on you and like vic's bf i will help you kiddnap them ;)

no further comments. hahahahahahahaha.. oh dear.

this is what happens when you're bored and you dunno what to do with yourself...

Instructions (for those who need it): Fill the survey out and send them to all your friends!

TEN random things about me:

10. i love my sister (who knew??) ...and on most days, my brother too...
9. apparently im abusive.. hmm.. i wouldnt know. ask jon. hahaha
8. im freezing.. like always.
7. im a sap...hahaha
6. i hate wearing dresses/skirts... oks.. not all skirts.. i like my jean skirt...
5. i was engaged. long story... ask my gurlies... some of them will know.. hahaha
4. the merlot at dinner was yummy.
3. i need to start christmas shopping still..hehe..ooops.
2. i love my gurlies
1. God-lover!!!

NINE ways to win my heart:
personally I don't go with 'ways' that need to be but everyone has their preferences
9. be a sweetie
8. being sensible, (i.e. dun laugh at me when im crying, etc, etc, etc.)
7. know when i need a hug, and when you just need to back off
6. be trust-able. (is that a word?)
5. be charitable
4. be kind
3. loyality
2. be my friend.
1. love God

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:

8. buy my parents a lake and build them a cottage
7. own my appartment at bayview and sheppard
6. get married...maybe have kids/adopt
5. work with developing nations
4. help heal the sick
3. have my parents be proud of me....for once hear my daddy tell me "good job" or "well done"
2. watch my sibs and their kids grow up
1. show the world love

SEVEN ways to annoy me:

7. make me go do stuff for other ppl when i dun feel good
6. cocky people telling me im not living to my potential. how do they know what my potential is!?
5. pretending to listen
4. pretending to care
3. oks... just being fake in general.
2. lying. defintaly will make me hate you.
1. broken promises. oks. they more then annoy me. but yeah. me no like.

SIX things I believe in:

6. friends
5. family
4. true happiness
3. true peace
2. love
1. God

FIVE things I'm afraid of:

5. bugs. defintaly bugs.
4. creepy men. trust me. ive had my share
3. alan
2. my dad but only when hes mad
1. stalkers. esp random guys that follow you around in book stores..*shudders*

FOUR of my fave items in my room:

4.beabea
3. Frosti
2. Nemo
1. duckduck

THREE things I do everyday

3. breathe
2. eat
1. talk

TWO things I want to do right now:

2. be somewhere warm...maybe even hot... say... cali?
1. ____________<--someone find me something fun to do...

ONE person I want to see right now:

1. Julie Mah!!!!!!!!

as i was tossing and turning yesterday (yeah.. i know. exam today. 1 hr sleep. woke up with blood in my mouth. spat more blood out. fun times. i know.) i did some thinking. and these are my conclusions

1. leave the past in the past.
2. live for the here and now, and maybe the future...
3. plan for the future and the present
4. stop trying to re-live the past
5. just because the past worked then, doesnt mean it works now
6. forget the past, unless is a good memory you wanna reminice, once in a while.

so yeah. tahts all i hafta say. its time i started to leave people and things of the past in the past, and deal with things in the here and now and people in the here and now.

as my piano is being tuned (yes sammi.. its FINALLY being tuned... RITE NOW as we speak... so come home soon! and JAM TIME!!! hehehe.. remember that camp? jam? oh jz. hahaha) neways, i was thinking about what has happened in the last couple days..a whirlwind of things really. for one, i finally saw what was happening to my frined...and its not pretty...i worry. i really do.. to just seeing how wonderfully God has his timing, to how wonderful my family of friends are....each one of them has a role in my life. and for the most part? its pointing me back to God or reminding me how wonderful and how loving God is...its not an easy thing to remember when you feel like you've been shattered and broken to pieces.

this morning. as im trying to eat breakfast with my family, i get a whole load of bs reasons on why i cant do somethings and how other people can. excuse me. dont tell me you dont play favourites. i know you do. and i know im not a favourite. stop telling me that we're all the same, cuz i know we're not. as im trying to read my cell bio book, i am constantly reminded of all these things that just keep haunting me. and idont know why they do. for one, that was AGES ago. so why wont it just go away?

time and time again, im reminded of the uglyness in me and the scars on me. how people around me can look past it, or even refuse to believe that they exist is beyond me. how they dont see how fragmented my life is, is amazing, because everytime i look at me, thats all i see. broken pieces of me, which i sometimes can hide away, so that no one sees. funny how i "have time" to do all this thinking when really. i should be studying for my exams.. sorry. cramming. oh wells i guess.. in Psalms 46, it says "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

NO GUYS....
1. i DO NOT fit into garbage pails.
2. i DO NOT fit into lockers.

im bigger then that. so stop trying. please. really. i have exams to study for. and i KNOW i dont fit. so stop trying. please and thank you.

"Need more friends with wings
All the angels I know
Put concrete in my veins
I’d always walk home alone
So I became lifeless
Just like my telephone

There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change

Never played truth or dare
I’d have to check my mirror
To see if I’m still here
My parents had no clue
That I ate all my lunches
Alone in the bathroom

There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
There’s nothing to lose
My notebook will explain
There’s nothing to gain
And I can’t fight the pain

Teach us that it’s just a phase
When I grow up my children
Will probably do the same
Kids just love to tease
I know it put me under ground
At seventeen

There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
There’s nothing to lose
My notebook will explain
There’s nothing to gain
And I can’t fight the pain
There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
And I just died today"

somehow..in some erie way...this song makes sense. and its truth.

funny thing about this?

...the mind reader either knew about it, had a feeling or it was just pure coincidence.

...some tears were lost. and they shall never be found...again.

so. i was talking to one of my gurls yesterday..and it was awsome. she just COMPLETELY knew what was going on, and i didnt hafta tell her much, and she just understood what was going. God-sent really. i was always amazed at how well we got along, when i see her at=t most like 3 times a week..and we dont spend THAT much time together. its hard to deal with the unknown. especially if all you're told is enough to just KNOW its bad..just nothing else to do with it. talk about repressed memories. i didnt always think that repressed memories were real..it just always amazed me. and yet, here i am...with repressed memories..and theres nothign i can do to recover them, except know that the person who told me is trustable and would never lie to me.

i was listening to one song by system of a down. its called chop suey. ive always liked it. but i never quite knew why. and know i know. because yesterday, after trying to do work and my stupid internet wasnt working, and being fustrated, i was listening to that song. things clicked. amazing. here. read the lyrics. you'll understand. cant wait for exams to be done. some ppl just need to be sat down and talked to.

Wake up
(wake up)
Grab a brush and put on a little make up
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
(hide the scars to fade away the shakeup)
Why’d you leave the keys up on the table
There you go create another fable
You wanted to
Grab a brush and put on a little makeup
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to
Why’d you leave the keys up on the table
I don’t think you trust in my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die (die)
Wake up
(wake up)
Grab a brush and put on a little make up
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
(hide the scars to fade away the shakeup)
Why’d you leave the keys up on the table
There you go create another fable
You wanted to
Grab a brush and put on a little makeup
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to
Why’d you leave the keys up on the table
I don’t think you trust in my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die
In my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die
Father father father father
Father into your hand I comend my spirit
Father into your hand why have you forsaken me in your eyes
Forsaken me in your thoughts
Forsaken me in your heart
Forsaken me ohh
Trust in my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die
In my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die

as i was saying to my gurl yesterday... THIS is what God hasta say. "you silly lil gurl. dun worry. daddy's here." that is to me. to her. to everyone. "daddy's here". like one of my gurls knows, she just told me to look up, just so randomly one day. and i never knew why. well now im looking up. and i KNOW in my head AND my heart, Daddy's here.

SO.....
today? i had the COOLEST... like THE coolest conversation with God today. and now its all hearts and stars and smiling like a goofball.. cuz im so excited still about that conversation. hahaha. and if you're special enough... maybe i'll tell you what happened... or maybe not. hahahahahaha. oks. time to gets. hahaha. oh jz.

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower,
But only so an hour.
THen leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief.
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can say.

Nothing Gold Can Stay ~ Robert Frost
let me know what you think. and i'll let you know what i think. and if you know whats running in my mind... all of it.... this makes sense.

so. been doing somethinking lately. i think ive figured somethings out. interesting really. like why i dun trust guys easily. why theres major resentment of most guys and why a lotta male bashing goes on.....especially on my bad days. sorry guys. thats just the way it is. thats how its always been, thats what it always will be. i guess. do i have a reason to change? not really. why change if its the way thats work for the last however many years? so guys? "suck it up buttercup" or thats just too bad for you. hahaha. oks maybe not so funny if you know the root.

ive been thinking a lot about life and death lately. what makes life, life? and what makes death, death? what makes these two so different and unique when really...their both the same thing? living is like dying. its just a different spin on perspective...its all in how you look at it rite? in a way death is really life, because only THEN do you escape the ugly-ness of this world. lots of thinking eh? theres more.

ive been thinking about friends. who my real friends are. who my friends were. what a friend really is. i used to have these neat lil workable definations which ppl agreed with or just understood, even if they didnt believe in it. and now? i laugh at those definations i had in my head. "a friend is someone whose there for you when you need them to be" ha! what a joke. my "friends" are "there" for me...WHEN they feel like it, when it fits conviently into their lil schedules, or when their just plain bored. life today is NEVER boring. theres just too many things calling your attention.. theres never a free time slot and you know what? life doesnt happen at the pace we set and how we schedule it..it just happens. so my "friends" interesting. i cant even tell you whose gonna be there for sure.

another thing thats on my mind? promises. really. stop with them. enough is enough. ha. even those ppl who are like "i dont break promises" break them. and you know what? one too many. even the ppl that i love the most eventually broke their promises. these are the ppl that i trusted the most. ha. notice the past tense? its almost like its just me and the world with God by myside. in reality thats all i really need.. but sometimes its nice to have ppl there to cry with you and to share your joy. but oh wells. so until i can get over everything? dont even promise me. just tell me you'll try and thats good enough for me. ha. just when i started to trust in promises again...the promises get broken. its a long long road ahead. i can tell you that now. and what fun it shall be for me. you know. i dont even know why i bother trying to learn to take people's promises anymore, when their just broken. when was the last time a promise was kept? beats me. i probably was like 10 and too small to understand what a promise was.

theres other things lingering in my mind still...and until i come to terms with it.. i will just hafta keep mulling over it in my head. i guess. those who know, know. those who dont, dont. whatever. i guess i just dun care about much anymore. i mean what IS there to care about? whats left for me to care about which hasnt been destroyed or scarred...or even just plain not broken? ha. let me know when you come up with something.

interesting day....just some things thats have been building up and i need to get out of my system..before i die from it. and dun tell me im not gonna die, cuz i AM dying. and just because you THINK you are a doctor doesnt mean that you are. this is so that the few of you that actually DO care about me will know whats going on. essentially i cant take this anymore. it feels like suffication and im dying a slow and tortourous death.

you know that feeling where ALL you wanna do is throw EVERYTHING agasint a wall and just break down and cry? oks..maybe not throw things.. but how you just want time to stop and sit there and break down to cry? welcome to my world. one too many things on me and im being smothered and crushed. so if you see me and you think im ignoring you.. im not. im just trying to deal with whats going on IN my life and the war that rages within. to struggle on? or do i just let everything slip and just die? its tempting i must tell you. all i wanna do is sit and cry but too many things are calling my attention.

why cant i do ANYTHING "right"? ha. funny. no matter what i do i'll never be good enough. its how it always was.. and how it always will be. no other way. no other choice. if it goes wrong? its my fault. apparently. ha. whatever. like i control the lives of other people.

why do people keep telling me its ok and that they'll be there for me when in the end they wont be? man. thats REALLY beyond me. because i KNOW in the end, it will all be blamed on me anyways. and you know whats funny? those people telling me that its ok and that they'll be there for me ARE the ppl blaming me and walking away from me and turning their backs on me. figures eh? i "just have bad luck" according to someone i know. ha! no kidding.

why am i always told to make my own decisions only to have those decisions made FOR me? apparently i dont have a brain and my decisions are only "decisions". apparently they know me better then i do, and they know what i enjoy and dislike more then i do and apparently what i know and what feel isnt good enough for me because those "decisioins" of mine always need to be reconsidered, until i come up with THEIR solution. HA. my hind foot.

is it ok for me to be slightly stressed? apparently not. apparently im not stressed enough and i need to be more stressed. let me TELL you ONE thing. any more stress and im going to die. im about to already. you know those breathing pains and heart pains that i get ESPECIALLY when im stressed? well let me tell you one thing. its happening at LEAST once a day now.. sometimes twice or even 3 times in a day. and you're telling me thats normal? HA. dun think so.

i cant be strong anymore. i give up. time to go and cry in my corner, where no one will know.

Whats the most painful feeling in the world?
finding out that your "friend" really isnt your friend.

why am i so stupid?

why does it keep happening to me?

..maybe all my friend are really just "friends"

some interesting things in my inbox lately... not to mention all those other things that bridges sends me.. jz. soo much stuff to keep track of! but thats besides the point. hahaha

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan wll not be venly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to
others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house,
one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

never thought life was so ordered.

SO... today at my friends place.. i find some things out.. cheery really...
for one? how my buddy actually has THREE boyfriends... and not the 2 that he told me a bout... 0.o any one wanna clarify that? rite brian? "huh?" thats from brian. JUST wonderful... does my buddy know about this? does brian know about this? apparently not... who wants to make this ALL make sense? el? "hmmmm...brian?" OK THEN. i guess not.. some one make my head stop hurting....WHY MUST IT ALWAYS HURT!?!? blah.

ANWAYS the rest of my day? im SOOOO Bumming around... and tonite? for fellowship? am i going? hmm... maybe... maybe not... im soo sleepy.. someone needs a nappy bibi time... and MAYBE its not me. haha...

so what have i learnt from God lately? Gods grace is magnificent. its hard. but im learning. slowly but surely. eventually...

Cheers!

it is through failures that we learn most about ourselves. correct? So WHAT have i learnt about myself lately?

-im horrible
-im abusive
-im a bad influence
-im a failure (hmm. i wonder what brought THAT one about.)
-im large (so the exact word that was used is fat but thats besides the point)
-im a cheater
-i exist for the purpose of being other peoples' entertainment.

and theres more. im just sparing you from having to read all of it. ha. finally. something nice that i did for someone else.

so on my way home tonite, i almost died. why i didnt is beyond me. i found myself asking God, "Why didnt you just let me die?" and all the while, a song was playing in the background. The lyrics went like this,

How great is our God, Sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

right after this song came another and that song is "Your Grace is Enough" which talks about how God's grace is enough for me, and thats all that i really need. do i really see that?

and now, ask i ask myself that, i mite as well tell who ever reads this thing. im sorry. im gone. dont look for me, because i wont be found. and its as simple as that.

so.. who ever said that they will be there for you and actually expect you to believe it is silly.
who ever said that promises are sacred OBVIOUSLY never had anyone promise them anything.
whoever told me that i can trust them? HA! my hind foot.

...do we wonder why i dont trust people easily? actually.. more like do we wonder WHY i dont trust guys? because all those 3 things are things were told to me by more then one guy. and you know what? they've always been broken. me? trust a guy? oh how they wished.

woa. days come and go. and these days? at neck breaking speed! not only do days come and go, but people come and go. i was thinking about days from a couple years ago..even from just a year ago. how much we have changed.. how much we have grown.. how much we have drifted.. and how much we've left those things we once held dear.

i once thought best friends were forever.. i guess not. somethings just happen.. somethings just change. who i woulda ran to a short year ago, isnt necessarily the same person i'd run to now, with those same issues. some people that i woudlnt be so open with last year, i now tell almost everything to. why the changes?

im not saying theres anything wrong with new friends and being tight with them.. i just miss how things used to be. a mere drive away... a mere phone call away... those people that would be there in a heartbeat, arent necessarily there anymore.

if all things good with friends end up with such pain and missing them...why bother to begin with?

to you who know what im talking about, yeah YOU darling. im sorry we drifted. im sorry all that stuff happened. lets start over and forget the past. loving and missing you always.

-sammi's home.
-hunny's home.
-hell week is done.

questions? comments? concerns?

i didnt think so.
welcome home guys!!!

some questions ive had answered for me recently.. not by my choice that they were answered. but they just were.

-am i good enough? nope. i never will be worth anything
-can i ask questions? nope. asking questions is challenging the authority of someone else.
-can i get a clarification? nope. if you need a clarification, then obviously you're too dumb to live
-can i be myself? nope. cuz you're a failure.
-can i try to understand a situation involving me? nope. that is not permissible
-can i try to understand accusations made against me? nope. just accept them.
-is it possible to make my own decisions? HA. nice one.
-can you pick up after yourself when you leave a mess in my room? nope. its your room. you clean it. cuz i didnt do it.
-am i allowed to be busy cuz of school stuff? nope. you drop everything for what i want you to do for me
-can school be imporant? nope. im more important.
-can i fail school? do that and die
-am i allowed to take a nite off after a whole week of non-stop school work? HA. what a lazy butt. wants to take a couple hours off? you can have a couple minutes. thats it.
-can i make my own plans? nope. because i control you and i always will.
-can i be upset about something? the only thing you're allowed to be upset about is you not following my commands to the letter.
can i be stressed? nope. but i can be, because i hafta put up with you. so deal with it.

funny. what i thought would be a good weekend because most of the people that i miss most are home and i have a relatively light weekend, has turned out to be a nightmare from hell and this is just the beginning. when will i be good enough to just be human? the answer is never.

a slow, painful death is a thousand times worst then a quick abrubt death.

No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE.

someone sent this to me. quite thought provoking. oh wells. back to cramming...

i REALLY should be cramming and doing some *ahem*nerd*ahem* stuff.. but things happen and i dun really care about my midterms anymore. so anyone says anything to me about them, oh dear YOU.. you're SO gonna get it. my brains fried. thats all i gotta say. neways, thanx to one of my gurlies.... you now have something really stupid and funny to read. its called "texas salesman". wonderful how much studying i can do.. cuz apparently im not gonna do any. ha.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people aver age 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

and on THAT note... i think either fisix or my stinking chem is calling me... *sigh* whatever.


p.s. 9 days!!!!!im soo excited!!!

In the years to come
Will you think about these moments that we shared?
In the years to co-ome
Are you gonna think it over
And how we lived each day with no regret

Nothing lasts forever though you want it to
The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you

this is all i hafta say. i dont know what else to say. it hurts. and it will always hurt. dont make promises you cant keep. better yet. dont make promises at all because they will only be broken.. and that will break me again.

look to the future. you never know what the future brings. hopefully it will be better then the last day.

may the road rise to meet you,
may the wind be always be at your back,
may the sun shine warm upon your face,
may the rain fall soft upon your fields.

and until we meet again,
may God hold you,
in the palm of his hands.

wishing you the best, always. love you.

as im working on my bio submission, silas is talking to me. and first he says "change your msn name" and then he says "you need to update" and me being me, got suckered into both. why? cuz blogging is DEFINATLY more fun then making graphs and drawing charts and answering a spread sheet with specific instructions as in put the slope in cell H3 or something dumb like that. my prof is definatly a grampa for that.

this past weekend i was at retreat. what an eye opener. i lernt how much of a paperazzi brian can be, and how much of a terrorist, in the most angelic and innocent sense, silas can be. but all in all, i still love them... just maybe not rite this instant anyways. haha. many things were learnt. some of them i've learnt in previous years, i just needed reminding. other things i always knew, but i never had it in my face before. and some of these things will never leave me.

one of these things i learnt was how to be a friend. i spent some time in real proximity with people that im not usually so close with, or even have that much in common with. i'll admit it. honestly, its hard to be friends with some people, sometimes. but the more i look at myself and the more honest i am with myself, the more i see that with me, its not just SOME days its hard to be friends with me, but its usually the case. and yet my friends still love me and their still my friends. pretty darn amazing isnt it? on top of that all, who am i to question who i can and cannot love when God loves me?

one of the lessons i've been learning lately is that its not good enough to JUST love God. we are called to do more then that. we need to love God and because God loves us, we need to love those around us. it is only through the loving of others, will the love of God be seen, and through that, the world will see and know the love of the true God. kinda challenging eh? how can we ever do this? only through God. phillipians 4:13.

one thing roy said really stood out to me. and i got thinking. you know that whole you cant love without liking? in a way, with friends, you cant be friends until you accept them for who they are. and i never really thought about it like that. but its true. and funny how the last person i can accept is me. maybe its my lack of sleep talking, or maybe its my lack of caffiene. im not quite sure which it is yet. but when i DO know, i'll let you know. but regradless of that, its all true. how can you be friends with someone if all you ever do is judge them and tell them that their not good enough? and yes. the truth hurts. but when you tell them, do you do it in love and with acceptence? or is the finger pointed and its done out of spite, or in-acceptance? what i remind myself with? SINCE God accepts me and loves me for who i am, of all people, who am i to question his command to love Him and to love others, which Jesus says are the greatest commanments? causes you to think. doesnt it.

so what else is new?
1. im bogged down with stuff to do, as always
2. im missing one too many people. see what happens when everyone just walks out on me?
3. "im a big big girl, in a big big world ..." if you know what im talking about, yeah. *sigh*

you know what? one of my best gurlies sent me this. and thanx a WHOLE ton if you get to reading this gurl!!! it certainly cheered me RIGHT up. for those of you that dont know what im talking about, here. read.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

It is time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember to say, "I love you" to your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out the non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least eight different people...who cares?

-George Carlin

do you miss me?
do you love me?
cuz i love you AND i miss you!!

SEVEN DAYS!

couple things... maybe more.. we ALL know how well i can count... cuz after all... i AM in math..... *angelic smile*

-who wants to kidnap sammi for me and bring her home??? i CANT wait.. haha.. soo excited! but then who wouldnt be, i mean my plum is comming home!!!!! yay!!!! haha..oks. enough of that. really.

-who wants to bake ben cookies??? honestly.. hes harassing me to DEATH about this!!! so someone bake him cookies.. please. or maybe i'll go buy him some.. hmm...

-who wants to give me a blood transfusion?? honestly! oks.. today? TWO pairs of pants... socks (the thicker sportish ones... yuck.) and TWO layers on.. and STILL.. im cold.. like i had shivers... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?

-i have the cutest brother in the world!!!!! oks.. maybe not cute... maybe tolertant... hahahaha...... i dunno who else lets me jump him??? haha... dun ask.. long story.. but the bottom line? i lub him. tons and tons and tons. but thats not to say i dun lub sammi either.. i lub her like nuts too!!! thats why i want someone to kidnap her and mail her to MEE yes? yes? yes? oks.. maybe kidnap isnt the word im looking for...

-there are some VERY patient ppl in my world. woa. soooo blessed!!!!! and if you dunno if you're one of those patient ppl that blesses my life, ask me. i shall let you know. chances are you're not. but im just kidding. i lub you anyways... just not as much as me lubbing sammi and alan and jesus... etc etc etc. hahahahha

-im struggling to keep organized and im being soo fustrated cuz of it.. SO.. if im like ripping hair out one day, its PROBABLY not you... but it could be.. o.0 haha.. but nono.. chances are its me going AHHHH!!!!! cuz i cant figure out what i need to do.. hahaha

-its my hunnys burfday on sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!! happy burfday hun!!!! me lubs you!!!!! even tho you're so far! grrr... oh wells... cocktails when you get home!!! =D

-who wants to do my readings for me??? OR my pre-tutorial stuff?? anyone? no one??? darn. guess i better get started...

p.s. TOLD YA i can count.... especially cuz im in math. ^.~ hahaha

butterflies are beautiful things.

why you ask?

they start out lives like an ugly worm, in a world where everything is out to get them, even tho for "worms" they DO have a nice coat... maybe even the fuzzy ones... anyways life starts out normal... and invisable, except to those that are looking for them..after a while.. they disapear..

why do they disappear? its because they are getting ready for the next stage in life. in a way its like us. for us to be ready for anything, we need to spend time to prepare for it.. usually its by ourselves.. sometimes its both by ourselves and as a group which is always nice because then you can be there and support each other. and maybe grow together.

After all the preperation, there needs to be a result. what is this result for a butterfly? the result after all its hard work is to just BE a beautiful butterfly and to enjoy the wonderful outcome of all their hard work. admire by all.

in a way thats what life is like for us too. only we dont become different physically.. (usually anyways) but its because we have more then that. we have thoughts. we have feelings. we have emotions. we have a soul. and with all these things that a complex human has as opposed to a simple butterly, how much more can we grow and support each other and to watch God work and make beautiful things out of lives that arent always so pretty and elegant. lets all work together and help each other in love, peace, trust and unity. and build each other up.

a church isnt the 4 walls of a building. its more then that. its the people in there that love God and love each other and love those around them that makes ALL the difference in the world. let us all try and restore love and peace and unity. and through this, may we achieve a happiness love that the world can see and want to know.... and maybe they will see God through us...

BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

somethings never change.

honestly....

...i am so weary...


... when can i put this down?

... when will it just be behind me?

... when will i breathe again?


*sigh*


BLAH.

oks. back to me and my "i need to clean my inbox out before hotmail stops my email from comming" (im going BLAH!!!!!!!!!! and GRRRRRRRRR!!!!! cuz im waiting for an email from my ta.. hahaha....so im not a patient one. meh). neways. my mom being my mom, sent this email out to our family mailing list. (yes. im aware of the fact that my family has a mailing list.. and if you've got ngan blood in you and you're not on it... SHAME ON YOU! talk to someone..... i dunno who yet..haha) but yeah.. and i read it a while ago.. but just now, when i re-read it, it was kinda like wow. i really need to refocus. its a sweet lil story about a lil boy and his father. here. enjoy.

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son,

"How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered:

"I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that
reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no
end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars
at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the
whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have
fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but
they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We
have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect
them."

The boy 's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

"Life i s too short and friends are too few."

just when i was worrying... funny how even God's smacking me over the head and telling me to not worry and yet i still worry. *sigh* what a worry wort.

OH how i CANT wait for thanksgiving!

so this week was my first full week of school... and my 2nd week away from my sister. what an interesting week. not only did my brain die, multiple times because bio is out to kill me... but ive realized who my sister truely is. if any of you have been talking to me lately, you'll know what i mean. if im not talking about school cuz i dun get something, or something like that, every other thing i say hasta deal with one of the most important people in my life. yeah shes always been important to me. and yes shes always been there for me.. but i finally realized how much i honestly really love her.

i know i told some ppl that i would try hard not to cry. but i honestly cant. sure i went 3 days without crying. but it was because i was submerged in so much work i didnt have time to just sit and cry. but ask anyone i've told a lil snipet of my sister to. i cant even think about her and not cry. pretty darn sad eh?

i guess to sum her up in a couple words? shes the mark of perfection. she always has been. she always will be. its that simple. time to dry my eyes and do something useful. 21.

omg... how i survied its amazing...

ive officially had my first FULL week of school.

in the last 3 days of school i have...

• handed in 2 assignments. one was an inclass... talk about stress!!!
• handed in an inclass lab
• wrote 3 quizes.

you know whats super wrong about this whole thing? ITS ONLY SEPTEMBER! *sigh* how im gonna survive THIS year? its beyond me. and i thought LAST year was hard??? o.O WHAT was i thinking? *sigh* oh wells. at LEASE i know i have God to help me....

THANK GOODNESS for gurls nite.. man... *sigh* THATS what i really needed.. haha.. thanx gurls.

i am balding ALREADY and i've only had school for 2 days.. like WHAT?! *sigh* im gonna die from a heart attack. im being burried alive in work. SO... i guess i must go do some. if i look dead or if i DO die, you'll know why. i'll be lucky if i have any hair at the end of this MONTH let alone at the end of this year... man. as much as i love bio, WHY am i in it??! its like impossible!!! *sigh* less complaining and more working i guess...

my smilie for the day comes from an email from the bestest. thanx ya gurlie. and now i will share this with you. and guys? dun be offended. its just to cheer gurls up when their down about guys and when they need to do a lil male bashing. ^.~

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men....
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

to those who actually care about my msn name and are wondering? i have a lil piece of news.

*sigh*

this is kinda hard to talk about. not because of what it is about. in a sense, im used to that already. this i guess is a statement to how much i have failed. a statement to which i cannot do things on my own. a statement to which all those who have been with me and helped me in the last 3 years, i have failed. and apparently will continue to fail.

just when i thought i was on top of it all and i was able to handle things again, i just realized i've failed the world. not JUST the world.. but MY world.. my world of caring people who have struggled with me in hopes that i mite be better and i hopes that i would be healed. but you know what? im not. i screwed up again.

it started when i went on night shift i guess. no longer was i awake when my world was. no longer were mommy and daddy able to keep track of what i was eatting. the funny thing about this whole thing? they knew. or at least have an idea. this whole time. i never told them. im pretty sure people wouldnt have told them. but they know. and surprizingly, they've been quite supportive.. but this time around? they dont know.. just yet. tho im sure they suspect somethings up. cuz mommy keeps asking me if i wanna eat and daddy jumps at the slighest inclination of me being hungry. even if hes like snoozing on the couch or something.. he'll jump up and run around the house like we have guest comming over and try to pull a full meal together for me.

how did i FINALLY realize that i screwed up again? people tried to tell me. did i listen? no. i just told them they were crazy. but they WERE right. i just didnt know it. i went to go put on a shirt that used to fit PERFECTLY. well it did when i bought it. it now doesnt fit. its too big.. kinda like that pink halter i tried on at ub with di. but not as bad. then it hit me to check my other clothes..the stuff i bought in the last couple weeks. to see which ones fit and which ones were in a good size. ha. i almost died when i found out what size they were. for one. i didnt know they made clothes THAT small. for another. i didnt know whether to cry out of happiness cuz i lost all the weight i gained on res, or to die of shock cuz i lost THAT much weight. *sigh* gurls are problems. honestly. or maybe its just me and cuz im screwed in the head.

so now, as i try to fix me. (trust me. its hard. i had a peacan tart and a cup of milk for lunch and im full. i didnt even wanna stuff the rest of the pecan tart down.. cuz i was THAT full.. gross eh?) i just wanna ask you all a fav. just pray for me. unless you're mabs and in which case, you know what to do. even tho i'll hate you while you do it, i love you still.. deep down. .. just now while i cry and fuss cuz i dun feel like eatting anymore. dun worry. i'll try to gain it back. for when you come back in nov... or at least by christmas anyways..

and thats all i gotta say about how screwed up i am. thanx for reading. its long. i know. now im off to maybe put some more food in.

I NEED A VACATION!!! URGH!!

hahaha.. yeah.. i know.. school hasnt started yet.. but im stressed and on the verge of a burnt out.. ALREADY.

vacation? where? with who? ha. rite. a better question? WITH WHAT MONEY!?!??!?! omg.. ut is a thief. haha. it robbed me. everyones gone anyways.. well those that are going away...

honestly theres soo many ppl that are soo close to me that are gone or going. and i guess thats why im so stressed. its so hard to "be happy" when their leaving. esp for my princess. shes always been there. shes always happy when im home, but now? she wont be home anymore. and every time i think of her leaving, theres nothing more i wanna do then to climb into bed and cry. what a cry baby i am. honestly. its not like my princess is moving to the other side of the world. i was thinking, and you know what? i can go to my 9 am class AND my 5 pm class AND still have time to drive to see her and come back inbetween. oh now i love tues and thurs. the chances of me going tho? like next to none. cuz she has classes like MAD on tues and thurs. wonderful how we clash. in a way im glad to see her grow up so much. truely life isnt gonna be the same without her.

my hunny's gone too. im glad shes happy where she is. she deserves it. shes worked SO hard. theres nothing i would give in the world to take this from her... but i'd give it all for her to keep it. im proud of you hunny! stay strong! lub you much!

maybe its time i just stopped thinking and did some physical work. maybe then i'll stop thinking and stop tearing... maybe stop crying too while im at it. such a cry baby. sorry princess. i dont mean to cry. im just missing you already.

so... as summer finishes.. (quite sad really..) i've learnt a couple things. some the hard way, and some i wish i didnt hafta learn about at ALL.

• nite shift sucks. it screws with your bio clock SO much... trust me on that. i dont function... at all. *sigh*
• some people will never really change... dirty old men will ALWAYS be dirty old men. cheaters will always cheat. jerks will always be jerks. its a fact of life i guess....
• God is good. how silly of me to forget that some days.
• Those who are there when you make difficult decisions and love you and support you are those who are truely your friends. sad how it took me this many years to learn that. thanx gurls. better late then never.

these are just some of the lessons i've learnt.. but whats more important is what ive learnt about myself, i guess.. most people already know themselves pretty well... as for me? i have no clue. i dont know who i am, or where i came from.. for all i know, i COULD be mongolian.. hahaha.. rite sarah? haha..... but seriously? this summer i've learnt a lot. someone once asked me, what am i scared of. so what AM i scared of? the answer i told that person was that i was scared of a lotta things, but i never did mention WHAT they were. thinking back, i dont think i even knew then. spiders? bugs? yeah sure. i hate them.. but when it comes down to it, i CAN suck it up and get rid of it... ocassionally.. or the bug can stay in ITS side of the room, and i'll stay on mine kinda thing. thunderstorms? sometimes yes, sometimes no. who knows? its actually quite peaceful when you look at it through a window next to the lake, its got a nice cosy kinda feel to it. truthfully many ppl have told me who they thought that i am. but its only when i know for myself in my head AND in my heart and not just in my head that it makes any sense and it gives me an identity.

tonite, i went somewhere, where i wouldnt usually be caught dead in. dont ask why. so many ppl have. i have my own reasons. sometimes ppl change. what you loved once upon a time isnt what you're always gonna love. trust me on that one. but i digress. i went to fellowship tonite. a place i havent gone in months. something i didnt exactly plan on doing. so why did i go? i went because i felt like God wanted to say something to me. and tell me something he did. kinda shocking at once, and all at the same time, it all made sense. kinda crazy for me to have not seen it comming like that. i've been blind for too long.. or else i've been living in denial. what i've discovered is that i've built walls up around me. not just around me physically, but around all thats essentially me. in essence, what i've done is shut myself in some lil box, unintentionally. why's that? its got something to do with fear i suppose. remember the camp/retreat thinger where we talked about hiv? and how we were to be infected? and how the majority of us tried doing that but one by one, some of us started giving up? for those of you that werent there, hiv is an acronym for honesty, integrity, vulnerability. the first two, i have no problems with. its the last one that brings issues.

you see. once upon a time, i tried that. i tried being vulnerable, at first to all my close friends, and it grew eventually.. to my friends and slowly to my acquantences. but one of my "friend"s that i trusted very much, unintentionally hurt me. and this pain, hasnt been dealt with.. instead, its been burried and hidden. so that it would never be exposed. never be known. even to my conscious self or my gurls who knew everything about me. as times passed, this harboured wound grew.. bigger and bigger until it affected all of me altho i didnt intend for that. so i ended up building a lil glass house for which all my emotions lived. and to protect the lil glass house, i've built walls after walls.. "sheltering" me from those in my life and especially those that i love, so that never again would anyone be able to do that to me.

so as i realized all of this tonite, it kinda shocked me. i never woulda suspect that this was going on in my life. the theme for to nite was celebration. a kinda thanksgiving kinda cop. where we just sit there and think about ALL that Gods done for us.. ok not all.. cuz thats just too much stuff.. but like enough stuff to be like *jaw drop* it was kinda crazy for me tho.. cuz tonite was a night of realization..and a night of asking God to take those barriers away, as hard as i've tried to build them, and to take away the lil glass house that my emotions live in, so that once again, i can feel. funny how a lil trip to the library does so much to you. i havent been there in ages either. its just a lil reminder of all the things i used to love doing. maybe now i can find out who i used to be and just be the me, unhindered from things past.

ciao.

question.

since when does "i have a bf" = "im intrested, please look at my ass"???

answer anyone? esp you guys... ANSWER!!!!!! and no andrew. your "answer" isnt gonna work. none of this "im gonna have a 'talk'" with them business. URGH

in the past day and a half, i have...

• worked for 24.4 hrs
• drove for 4 hrs
• sat in a car, being driven by someone else for 1 hr
• napped for 1 hr
• went to church for 3.5 hrs (approx)
• slept for 3 hrs.

so in conclusion... i am going to bed. no disturbances please and thanx. exceptions to the rule? the VIPs.... you know who you are. rite al? nitenite

woa.. one of the best scj weekends ever! honestly. so much fun. none of this silly "im going golfing and fishing, what are you doing? being a bum again??" from jason. *sigh* crazy guy.. i swear.. maybe its so good cuz its my last week there.. too bad its a long week.. i rather it be a short week.. but oh wells.. meh. whatever. last week IS last week, and it'll be a long one no matter what.. esp if we gotta do change over.. then im really gonna smack john and mic who will FOR SURE put wax on me again... *Sigh*

neways, some things happened, and i was talking to a friend about it.. and my friend did a psychoanalysis.. well thats what im gonna call it.. apparently its too logical for my buddy to BE a science, and too scientific for me.. funny im the one going into science. anways my friend told me "accept things as they happen, go with da flow" *sigh* hard man.. hard.. it sounds easy, but it really isnt.. esp when you dun even know what the root of the problem is.. it takes just one bad egg to spoil the batch. how true it is. *sigh* man. im getting old.. look at all the sighs i've done!!! omg!!!! granny is right. fat old granny. rite guys? ^.~ *sigh*

*sigh* soo many things have been happening... all at whirlwind speed.. honestly... or maybe it just seems that way to me cuz i can never sleep... like wheni work, im fine.. i get my sleep.. on my days off?? last time? 4 hrs sleep a nite.. IF that.. and yesterday? 3 and a half. like wth? *sigh* neways.. so i was listening to some old tunes... like stuff from AGES ago that probably no one remembers unless their a sap or a teenybopper or ex-teenybopper like me... man.. but yeah... theres a line in this one song that goes "where is the good in goodbye?" and honestly? all week, oks like the last two weeks, i've been like man.. thats so true.. where IS the good in goodbye?? but yesterday it made sense. it just depends on where you are and where you've crossed to. for some of us.. thats not so good.. but then we had it comming, rite andrew? for others, its for the better in the long long run... rite gurlie? *sigh* thats all my sleepy mind hasta say... p.s. who wants to go to work either FOR me or WITH me... certain ppl need to be smacked.. i swear. dumb as a doorknob. honestly.

things to do... oks.. and things to report.. hahaha.. this ones for you my dearest stalker ^.~ well.. the reporting stuff anyways.. hahaha

• cleaned clothes... well.. almost all done..
• need parking pass... anyone got $500 they wanna give me?? and no jordan.. i dun have enough in my "vic needs gas" fund to pay for that. -.-"
• need to clean my room.... *sigh* stinking boxes....
• need to shop
• good game alan!!! good run!!! wheres my home run ah dai dai???
• so far so good... hahaha... someones either a really really lucky bum, or someone upstairs loves them... a lot..and i mean a LOT.. haha.. but im thinking lucky bum
• "pmssing" according to alan.. what does HE know??? only that he feels a need to bug me 24/7 cuz apparnetly im leaving and never comming home again... yet.. PROBLEM. im living at home next year.. SO.. yeah.. o.0
• gurls??? when are we gonna do our gurls nite??
• missing my hun.. when are you comming back!?
• *please insert thought* haha cuz i think i forgot something..

man.. im really getting old.. sleep is like hating me.. i cant sleep any more... and its not waking up ever 4 hrs.. its ever 2 now. *sigh* wonderful life.. does anyone wonder why i look stoned half the time?? not me. definatly not me. and no. its not the drugs. i swear.

I've hesitated so many times
And I won't let you slip away from me, no
Iknow you're for me
And me for you
But I don't know what to say or todo
So now that we're together I'm telling you

on loan. hahah. stinking libraries!! by the way. any one know where i can find a copy of "Angels & Demons" AND/or "the DaVinci Code" by dan brown??? please and thanx!!! ^-^

*sigh* why am i addicted? i gotta stop and focus. every time i try, i fail. whats the point in trying to be un-addicted? *sigh* its like a bad habit that i cant break. on top of that, im not sure that i even want it broken...-.-" i need a coffee.

TGIF thats ALL i gotta say.. honestly... i swear.

my wonderful week?
1. stinking dirty old man... grrr
2. stinking traffic
3. silly car needs a trip to the beauty parlor.
4. the crew is going down. honestly. one at a time. watch. first paul.. mic is next. grr. the queen is not happy. not happy at all..

but the good thing? God reminded me of something. look up "you are my rock" by capstones and "trading my sorrows" ask sammi how we put those two songs together and yep. thats how i got through it. and while you're at it look up "let it rain" by micheal w. smith. and malachi 3:10. then you shall understand all.. and if not.. you can find me. haha.

p.s. why do i ALWAYS smell like work!? *sigh*

omg.. i need a hug... bad.. *sigh*
first.. i was blogging about why i needed a hug to begin with.. and i had SOO much typed out.. and then... my internet decides to mess up.. like CRAZY and so its now all gone.. and now i gotta retype whatever i can remember of it. *sigh*

oks.. what i was saying was about the song "Without You" you see, yeah.. its got a line in it that goes "Without you, i could not be strong, i could not hold on, without you" thats the part that hits me most. why? because its about being strong, through like everything, and thats what i've been taught my whole life.

you see. i was taught to be in control of me, to control my surroundings OR adapt myself to it, so that i could see each step. so to begin with, this whole "let go and let God" thing doesnt sit too well with me.. it not that i have a problem with it, i just have a problem with doing it.. i tend to not be able to let go as easily as some people can. and thats the thing with faith, you depend on God, and being taught to depend on myself, and NOT others, its kinda hard to do. anways, i digressed.

oks. so whats going on and why is this being brought up? WELL. oks. at work? theres 11 people on my team. 2 of them work upstairs in processing and im pretty sure i've never seen them before.. cuz they dont come to our team meetings.. theres too much to do up there for that. thats 9 people on my team. subtract me. so thats 8 people on my team that i "know" because on of them is a truck driver, and gets off his truck long enough to only joke with his buddy, whose an operator on my team. 7 people left to be accounted for. 6 of them are operators.. 1 other person is a kelly lady. so theres 2 gurls on my line, including me and like technically 9 guys. but really 7 guys.

last nite? oh the WORST. honestly. one thing i can say? dont work contenential shifts unless you GOTTA.. and i mean GOTTA. on top of that? dont do nites, and on top of THAT?? dont work on an essentially all guys line. like they even pulled the baler off the other line to work on my line yesterday. and the baler is a guy. *sigh* anyways. what happens? of COURSE they leave the kelly lady alone. but me? no. what are the chances? and dont even THINK of answering that one. honestly.. its like borderline harassment. *sigh* like common.. even the truck driver was bugging me, and he doesnt know me. chances ARE he doesnt even know my name!! and urgh. all i gotta say about that is man + paper cup + water + fan = NO GOOD. and his buddy? just plain NO GOOD. like yeah.. he can be nice. but still.. him + sustainers? DEFINATLY no good. him + scraper = no good.. like he made a football out of saran wrap. like hello?! what part of work did he miss???? and like this other operator?? omg.. you work in the press room. i see you maybe for like 20 minuets in a 12 hr shift. and you're picking on me like mad??? and you're mocking me like you've known me forever?! uhhh rite. so you think. no. and i've come to the conclustion that male kellys? oh dear me. honestly. sure theres a couple sane ones.. but like BUDDY. oh gross. honestly... all i gotta say is 3 more weeks, and i hope i NEVER see him again. like JZ. ask sammi about fat choy low. like ewww. *shudder*

*sigh* thats a WAY longer rant then i woulda thought i could come up with.. maybe im just tired... maybe i m just really really fed up with them.. all i gotta say is 96 more hrs.. and THAT IT. boo yeah. no more of this "daddy" business.. *sigh*

the song of my life rite now? its written by Brian & Joyce Doerksen. its called "Without You" for those of you that know that song, let me tell you something about the first time i heard it, some things were happening, and God was teaching me more about His love for us on that day, but i didnt know thats what God was TRYING to teach me at the time.. you see, im a difficult child... rather stubborn so lessons are repeated endlessly, until this silly lil gurl FINALLY gets it. amazing how God never gave up on me. it honestly is a wonder. anyways, i was worried about not being good enough, as His child, as His friend, like in all aspects, just not good enough to even call the King of all the Heavens, my friend, much less a brother, or a savior, or a father even, but then somethings were said to me earlier that day that just kinda put it all in perspective. no matter who i was OR who i will become, God ALWAYS loves me. He always has, and He always will. and i realized at that very moment in time, who was the one thats always been there, and who i've always went running back to. that person? is God. anways, here are the lyrics to it, and if you wanna know how it goes, find me. i'll either squeak it out for you, or i'll try not to harm the song so much and play it for you..its a pretty song, and a song which i cannot emphasize, how much Hes all of who i am, on my good days.. haha.. we all know what im like on my bad days.. no need to lie and hide that rite? ^.~ enjoy.

Without You ~by Brian & Joyce Doerksen Without you I would have no hope
I'd be all alone without you
Without you I could not be strong
I could not go on without you
Without you

Who would I be if you didn't love me
Who would I be without you
Who would I be if you didn't save me
Who would I be without you

Without you life would make no sense
Dreams would always end without you
Without you spring would not appear
Storms would never clear without you
Without you

when does the yelling stop?
when does the hurting stop?
why does one turn against the other?
as the saying goes, its flesh on the back of my hand, its flesh on my palm.
*sigh*
when do the tears stop?
when does the heart stop breaking?
how much longer until we have His peace and love?

omg!!! i offically have the sweetest daddy in the WORLD.

i get home yesterday after 12 hrs of whatever it is that i do, and guess who opens the door? yeah. my dad. had a day off. got up EARLY. got dressed. opened the door for us. AND then hangs around to talk to us, and make sure we're fed and that we're all fine and dandy. like woa! whose daddy does THAT?! MINE DOES!!!! haha.. but oh wells.. and today? daddy is actually sleeping.. for once in his life... i think this whole contential nites is killing him more then me.. oh wells.. at least hes catching up on sleep.. *sigh* he worries too much. and i wonder why im a worry wort? *sigh* stupid question.

wanna know whats weird? apparently the teenie-bopper days are back... so run for the hills.. ALL of you... cuz i got a bsb and a selina song stuck in my head... well selina isnt so teenie-bopperish.. but bsb is... man. i need more of a life then this whole sleep and work life... its amazing if i even know what day of the week this is... *sigh*

does anyone ever get the feeling that their living in a dream?

some days, i wake up, not wanting to wake up. but its not because i didnt sleep well... but cuz i wake up, and i feel like im living in a dream. you know that saying "if its too good to be true, then it probably is"? well let me tell ya, thats what im scared of. i mean, what if this is all some lie that i've tricked myself into believing and the truth couldnt be further from this? somedays, i wake up thinking that this is all just a dream and that the truth is some where far far beyond... let me tell you, those days are hard.

i look at myself sometimes, and i wonder. what do my friends see in me? why do they still love me? i look at myself and question the sanity of some people. why do they wanna spend time with me??? im nothing but a human wreck. and eventually, their lives will be destroyed in some way or another by me. look at my life. what have i done for others? nothing at best. harm them at worst. ask anyone. they can tell you what i've done to them, or for them. done nothing to them, probably messed up their life in some fundamental way. wonderful friend i am. *sigh* honestly. i wonder whats going on in my head some days. i mean why am i harming those that i supposedly love?

someone ask me. am i good enough? i'd say no. he deserves better. what does he see? good question. i'll tell ya when i know and when i've stopped questioning his sanity for his decisions. such a sweetie. *sigh* too good to be true... lets hope i never wake up from this dream..

maybe this is just my crazy self talking cuz its so early in the day and my body's bio clock is being shifted like mad... maybe.

woa woa woa. its only wed, and i m done for the week?? crazy. you'd think i'd be used to sleeping in the day and being awake at night. guess what? WRONG. but whatever.  oh wells. worry about it later.. haha. like always. 

why is everyone leaving me??? honestly!! ahhh!!! well sarah's gonna be back!! so yay!!! but everyone else is gone.. *sniff sniff* oh wells.. i guess my junk yard of a room will FINALLY be cleaned.. haha.. sad.. i know..

SO. what have i learnt lately? that no matter what happens in life, those that truely love you, will always love you. thanx guys. i needed to learn that.

omg.. i officially have the cutest mom in the world!!!

she came out of the bathroom and she accidently scared the turtle. so i was like MOM!!!! YOU SCARED THE TURTLE!!! and shes like oh sorry. so she goes to comfort ME. like wha?!?! you didnt scare me.. the turtle's the one that jumped.. like wha?? but maybe its only cute and funny to me cuz im soo tired.. hahahaha

what a weekend.. haha... omg.. remind me to never wear a dress again... honestly... its like a fish out of water.. it just doesnt happen.. stupid val, got to change.. grr... *sigh* oh gurls.. thats probably the LAST time you'll see me in a dress.. haha.. unless SOMEONE gets married... *ahem* and no. the poll is WRONG. trust me on that one. not happening.

my weekend is done. a weekend of like a day. *sigh* stinking work.. AND if i didnt work on friday... omg.. i'd haftta work sat til wed morning.. which woulda sucked.. majorly.. *sigh* and mabs hun? new plan. honestly. and MAYBE beating.. maybe its time to go for a coffee and yell. like JZ. *sigh* creepy if you ask me..

couple things i feel like sharing with the world... at least my world.

• if its not in your place to say anything, then dont.
• if its not yours to tell, then dont mention it.
• if someone doesnt live the way YOU think they should live your life, just shut up you have no place to judge what they do.
• your friends are NOT your taxi drivers.
• a "no" means no. not a "try again later" or a "i need a guilt trip"
• when someone says "back off" or "leave me alone" chances ARE they mean it.
• just because you want some attention, does NOT mean its owed to you, nor does it mean you're gonna get it.

and thats about all i gotta share. cheers.

oks.... it is now officially saturday.. AND.. on my list of things DONE.. i got a dress, found my earings.. have my rings... hmm... yep. thats about it. and on my to do? loads.. like shoes, necklace.. hmm... wraping things... call the gurls... yeah.. loads to do.. *sigh* and dan dear? work IS killing me.. nite shift for like 3 weeks, 1 week of day shift, and then back to nite shift.. BUT on contenintal.. like OH DEAR ME! you wanna know what else is stupid? i gotta work CIVIC holiday.... *sigh* haha i really am getting old... im like sighing like non-stop.. oh dear me.. maybe its time to go do something productive... just MAYBE. haha

man..... you know that heartbroken feeling? when all you wanna do is sit and cry? and all that you think about is that ONE thing and the question "why???" or "why me???"? or how about where you think you're at witts end, and you cant go on anymore? maybe some of you dont know. maybe some of you know exactly what i mean. its just so hard to watch such a large group of people, of GOD's people just sit and fight and tear each other appart. honestly. as God's people, we are called to a way of love.. correct? and ALSO as God's people, we are called to listen to His still and quiet voice and to develop our relationship with Him... yes? so then tell me. why are we fighting each other? why are we taking matters into our own hands? why are we ignoring the Creator and Ruler of all? why are we tearing each other up? is power really that important? as Gods people, should we not take each step, in accordance with his will and not ours? when does a group of people - the church, that claims to be His church, work according to the agendas of humans? should not a church always be focused on HIS will?

God's talking to us. God's teaching us. guess whose not listening? guess whose not learning? since when is a student above his teacher or a servant above his master? according to matt 10:24, "A student is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master. "

woa woa woa. you wanna know what i found in my Bible while looking for that passage?  Luke 13:1-8. the title of this? "Repent or Perish" guess what? i almost started crying when i saw that.. because this is what everything has been pointing to... and i love these ppl.. i cant stand this fighting anymore.. someone make them stop.. someone tell them to stop fighting God... fighting God is impossible.. you CANT win.. trust me.. i've tried it before, and you know what? Gods way IS the better way.. you cant fight someone that knows all, you know. and if you dont believe me? ask me about it.. i shall tell you a lil story about a silly gurl who decided that she knew best for her life, and that God didnt know as much as she did.. but in the end? what did she learn? that God is all that she needs and God will always point out the best way for your life.

omg.. will all of you just SHUT UP!!! seriously.. im gonna eat you alive... and im not even kidding.. i wish i was.. but im not. so just shut up. stop nagging me. stop ordering me around. enough is enough. honestly. grr. im fed up, AND stressed so just leave me be. ok? that way there wont be a murder. jz! and howard? dont aww me. please.

oh dear me. no howard. not what you're thinking. im just a lil over loaded.... man.. i've been meaning to update for a couple days.. and i never did it. why? just cuz. haha.
 
is missing the past a good thing because you remember the happy times? or is it just bad, because you cant live in the past? honestly, i dont know what my life would be like without my tai poi. shes always been there. i have pictures from my first christmas, and its the 4 generations...together... fastforward some years... shes now 92.. and still going... i wish i could say shes going strong.. but i cant. and i guess knowing that just kinda kills a part of me. shes a lot happier now then she was before.. dont get me wrong. shes always been a happy person.. she never yelled... and i never got in trouble with her... actually i dun think anyones ever gotten in trouble with her... like amongst me and the cousins... she's always been the one IN trouble with us! i mean who runs in a mall? my tai poi.  and who does she take with her when she does it? us. *sigh* i miss those days.. those days of grammie, tai poi and us running in the malls, with my mommy going "DONT RUN!!" haha.. at least shes happy now, even tho shes being quite forgetful... not a worry in the world, and shes always smiling and laughing.. shes just so happy. oh how i'd give up years for her. i honestly would. i cant imagine living without her there.  every unexpected urgent phone call, i worry... i know shes gonna leave us one day, and that shes gonna go and be with my daddy in heaven, and one day im going too, but for now? it breaks my heart to just even think that shes gonna hafta leave this world. and i fear that the day is approaching. i dont know when, but i DO know that every day, im thankful that its not her time to go home yet.. and shes still here with us, even tho she doenst live with me.

oks. next question. who wants to go dress shopping FOR me? cuz knowing me, and the way i dress for formal stuff... (if you dunno.. ask sarah.. oh dear.. she'll give you a long and detailed description which basically amounts to i dont "dress up" unless i really gotta, and even then, its when ppl make me that i do 0.o) so basically.. i hate dress shopping. things i like? (scary thought eh? me? liking a dress?? woa.. ) neways, dresses i like? NEVER in my size.. and things that totally clash with me, as far as skin tone and such (for more info on that, see my grammie) they fit me.. size wise... *sigh* so i blaze malls  (notice the "s" on malls) and i have the worlds hardest time finding one.. now ayesha's party? (im soo excited and happy for her!!!!)  i have like from whenever malls open, til like 4.30 to get something... thats really really REALLY tight... honestly.... hmm... maybe i'll go to dynamite, and they'll still have that dress.. hmm.. cant go wrong.. sarah approved it..if you dunno which one i mean.. then thats just TOO bad. ha. thats what you get for NOT going shopping for me. unless you're going to ayesha's thing.. then you'll see it (duh!)  haha. honestly. i dun see what this fuss is about getting all dressed up and "ppppprrreeeeetttttyyy..... like prom" according to ayesha.. *sigh* its her day.. so whatever she wants.
 
hmm.. what else to say? im being laid off for 2 weeks. but thats not new.. and its not exciting.. hmm. oh yeah! who knew that the picture thingers for CHILDRENs sunday school would be so hard? HONESTLY. it wasnt bad.. then i started prep for next sunday... oh dear.. oh dear me. haha.. *sigh* time to do more cutting.. if i EVER find my sissors.. *sigh*

omg. lets just say im sick of cleaning... like omg.. thats all i've done.. minus going to most of cinderella's game and going out for william's burfday.. btw... if you think IM a crazy driver.... talk to william... like omg... hes NUTS... i swear.. not even funny...
 
oks the positives in my life.. because apparnetly im very negative these days... excuse me for having some crap happening in my life, and me watching those i love crumble and break.... its not a happy time. but whatever. think positives... in order that i think of them...

• my wonderful family... even if they are mia... *ahem* mr. he?
• my rents are gone for the weekend.. but the weekend is over.. oh wells..
• i got to drive sammi's car... boo-yeah. it handles NICELY... it hugs the road just *muah* wonderfully. *sigh* how i wish i had money to fix my shocks... hahaha. roller coaster ride, here we go!
• my nicely arranged room... now for the junk.. hmm...
• my great grammie's burfday!!! mommy says its 92.. but i think its really 94th.. hmm. wheres grammie when we need it clarified??
• cinderella's game!!! they won!!! yay!!!!
• sammi made me a chocolate fudge cake.. mmm... but watch.. alans gonna eat it ALL when he gets home... -.-;
• sammi made some banana chocolate chip muffins... mmm... wow... what a weekend.. what a way to break a diet.. who can say no to these things????

hmm.  im gonna think thats enough positive thoughts to satisfy a certain person... *ahem*
meh. whatever..  too bad.. ahaha.. oh yeah!!! btw, who wants to go dress shopping with me? man.  i hate dress shopping.. its soo gurly.. and soo frilly.... and poofy... and im not talking a summer dress.. im talking like formal looking dress.... like  borderline what i wore to prom.. like ai yaaaaa!!!!! do i really got to be gurlie???? ayesh?? this is JUST for you.. i swear... but im soo excited for you too!!! hehe. oh! while im asking... who wants to clean my room? any takers? thats what i thought. just like ppl that wanna go dress shopping with me.. *sigh* i'll just take crystal then.. haha.. cuz she needs to go get her gr.8 grad dress!!!! yay!!! my lil sis is graduating!!!! haha... but end of this school year.. haha.. and i need my dress for sat.. hmm... hahaha.. slight problems... whoops..

does anyone have a solution for insomia? *sigh*

now that all idiot parties have been informed.. *ahem* like yesterdays weird call *ahem* the conclusion of the matter is together.  oks? happy? are we all informed yet? if not? too bad.
 
now that thats done with, what have i learnt this week? that princesses will always be princesses, and spoiled kids will always be spoiled and those with the "poor me" attitude will always have that, no matter what age they are. and all 3 of those kinds of ppl i have spent almost all my waking hr in the last week with. you know what i have also been taught from this? besides ppl arent the easiest to deal with at like 3 in the morning? patience truely is a virture. its hard to learn. its hard to not snap or anything, but when the wee hrs of friday morning come around, we're all happy.. glad to be done another week.. minus george, who just likes to heckle me about NOTHING.. *sigh*
 
update? half of stage one is done.. *Sigh* soo exausting... honestly.. nap time.. i swear.. haha.

i just have one question.
 
whats with male kellys and being so "different"?
 
oks.. let me define "different". in a way, dirty would be a better word.. or even perverted... for some, twisted will do justice. you see, what i've discovered is that male kellys? their either super nice, but they act tought, or else their just jerks, that pretend that they are nice, and all they want to do is help you or be friends with you, but in reality? no. lets just say they have alterior motives.. which we probably dont need to know or want to know about... *shudders*
 
lucky for me, i only know how twisted certain people can become, through ppl i work with, but still... creepy guys?? oh gross.. gurls? stick together. thats all i gotta say. there IS safety in numbers...   
 
oh wells. thats all i gotta say.. haha.. btw. anyone know where my work shirt is?

oh wonderful. as soon as one ends, another one starts.. and yeah its like that with most things, but please.. can i have more then a week off between nightmares?? and can i have more then a day off from having something occupying my brain completely??? SERIOUSLY.. what is going on!? URGH im gonna rip hair out soon... seriously.. well.. i guess in a way its not as serious as a nightmare.. maybe its night terrors.. haha.. i dunno the word for it... but SOME Of you know whats going on.. rite? ms. koh and mr. li? and mr. he? IF he ever reads his email.. like omg.. where the heck ARE you?? call home or email me or something!!! its kinda like et phone home or something.. hes just gone from the face of the earth!!! just like how my dearest stalker fell off the face of the earth or something... but apparently he didnt.... which is kinda odd, cuz his secretary didnt know where he went either =S whats with guys and disappearing?? *Sigh* mr.he? if you EVER read this?? OMG MSN/TEXT/MSG/CALL ME!!!!!! *sigh* funny how songs just pop into your head when you need it most.. like "all who are thirsty" with the part that goes

"Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy"

*sigh* someone just take my head and like hold it for me.. too much trying to think.. i need a vacation or something... away from all of this.. *sigh*

All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep
(we sing)

Come Lord Jesus come
Holy Spirit come
As deep cries out to deep

what a weekend... and theres still a day left! haha some things happened.. some good. some not so good. like always. neways just wanted to say... all the crap in my life? offically dealt with. next item on the list? my room. -.-' like OH DEAR. those of you that know? OH DEAR ME. i'll see you in like 6 months.. if i EVER climb out from under this mess and even START cleaning it! so if anyone owns a garbage truck OR a shelving company.. feel free to come help me.. or if you just wanna help me even.. haha.. lots to do here... hahaha.. oh dear me. *sigh*

will all jerks PLEASE stay away from my gurls? face it buddy. their too good for you. thats all there is to it. and i dun have the time or energy or the resources to beat you after you be your jerkish ways to them. so honestly. please. stop hurting them. saves a lot to hafta hunt you down and then hurt you. cheers!

who am i kidding? aarons rite. i should just stay in my castle and sleep in my princess bed. no matter how hard i fight, im never gonna win.. maybe in the end, im really JUST a princess and i'll never be anything more.. *Sigh*

nites. ha. what a lie. its like jet lag. only i dont have a choice. whats worst? im not allowed to adjust to it. ha. dinner first thing. wake up like 2 hrs before i even hafta get up. when the hell will this all stop? ha. on top of that. who the hell do they think they are? what am i? 7? they wish. screw that. if they wanna see me suffer and they enjoy it, then they can forget it. aint happening.

the pit crew is offical gone. bobby's on contenential on 18, bob's on vaca, iga's gone, im on 12 now, its just jane and emily left... *sigh* we're done. 27 is done. back to the blueprints. off to cut myself on 12. wonderful. really. you should try it. cut yourself at LEAST 5 times on your hand. honestly. you'd think you'd stop after once... but then sometimes you just dont notice.. haha. and no if you think im a cutter, then think again. things are only as bad as what we make it seem like.

btw, shopping for guys IS hard, even if you take the guy WITH you!!! like omg! honestly. whoever said shopping for guys is easy is OBVIOUSLY a guy. cuz only guys can shop for guys. URGH.

p.s. the update? 1 of 3. so far so good. i think. but its an uphill battle. *sigh*

oks... what excuse do i have for not updating? PLENTY. but oh wells. heres a quick update.. haha... taken from my hun, but its ok... haha..

What I want to do rite now - sleep. or work things out with different ppl
What I want rite now - a banana split... or an egg tart from PO MA!!!
Who I'm thinking of rite now - oh you know who *winkz* haha. dun ask me. i dunno either. haha
The Last thing I want to do rite now - go to ___ or see ____ or ____
Who I want to talk to rite now - hunny or julie.
What I'm wishing for rite now - better grades... like oh dear.
Where I want to be rite now - where YOU are. haha. nono. fla, usa.
What I'm thinking rite now - URGH! haha

so whats going on? many many things.

1. the WONDERFUL switch *rolls eyes* stupid if you ask me. but then no one does. *sigh* i miss 27.... why 12 why??? *sigh* fight jane fight!!! fight hard!!!!!!!! emily too! haha.. if they stop being bored and goofing off. haha

2. URGH the stupidity of SOME ppl.. hahaha.. man-child! oh dear. andrew, you're the bestest. hahahhaa... manchild! boychild! *Sigh* oh dear. hahaha. who comes up with these things?? haha

3. "how do you say 'thank you'?" ____ _____ hahaha. and no lil boy, its NOT bok choi.. and i dun mean doi jai.. and i dun mean merci OR merci beaucoup david. haha!!!!!

4. "i'll trade you 'my feet hurt' and 'my feet feel soo good' for your 'can i have kfc'!!"

5."dont like it!!!" hahaha oh jz! HONESTLY!!! will you just get out?!*sigh*

6. who wants to go sitcker shopping? not me aparently. haha. what a lazy bum

7. schedule? what? URGH!! dont remind me. im gonna smack someone or something soon.

8. someone figure it out for me. please. jz. hha. how does one end up being pulled in soo many ways? oh dear.

9. lakehead? here i come. hahaha. oh dear. should i? or should i not? hmm.

oks.. i think thats it. is that long enough for you *ahem* my 5 month worth of posting? haha.. on to better things.. like fixing chatter boxes. *ahem* hahahaha