interesting day....just some things thats have been building up and i need to get out of my system..before i die from it. and dun tell me im not gonna die, cuz i AM dying. and just because you THINK you are a doctor doesnt mean that you are. this is so that the few of you that actually DO care about me will know whats going on. essentially i cant take this anymore. it feels like suffication and im dying a slow and tortourous death.

you know that feeling where ALL you wanna do is throw EVERYTHING agasint a wall and just break down and cry? oks..maybe not throw things.. but how you just want time to stop and sit there and break down to cry? welcome to my world. one too many things on me and im being smothered and crushed. so if you see me and you think im ignoring you.. im not. im just trying to deal with whats going on IN my life and the war that rages within. to struggle on? or do i just let everything slip and just die? its tempting i must tell you. all i wanna do is sit and cry but too many things are calling my attention.

why cant i do ANYTHING "right"? ha. funny. no matter what i do i'll never be good enough. its how it always was.. and how it always will be. no other way. no other choice. if it goes wrong? its my fault. apparently. ha. whatever. like i control the lives of other people.

why do people keep telling me its ok and that they'll be there for me when in the end they wont be? man. thats REALLY beyond me. because i KNOW in the end, it will all be blamed on me anyways. and you know whats funny? those people telling me that its ok and that they'll be there for me ARE the ppl blaming me and walking away from me and turning their backs on me. figures eh? i "just have bad luck" according to someone i know. ha! no kidding.

why am i always told to make my own decisions only to have those decisions made FOR me? apparently i dont have a brain and my decisions are only "decisions". apparently they know me better then i do, and they know what i enjoy and dislike more then i do and apparently what i know and what feel isnt good enough for me because those "decisioins" of mine always need to be reconsidered, until i come up with THEIR solution. HA. my hind foot.

is it ok for me to be slightly stressed? apparently not. apparently im not stressed enough and i need to be more stressed. let me TELL you ONE thing. any more stress and im going to die. im about to already. you know those breathing pains and heart pains that i get ESPECIALLY when im stressed? well let me tell you one thing. its happening at LEAST once a day now.. sometimes twice or even 3 times in a day. and you're telling me thats normal? HA. dun think so.

i cant be strong anymore. i give up. time to go and cry in my corner, where no one will know.