so. been doing somethinking lately. i think ive figured somethings out. interesting really. like why i dun trust guys easily. why theres major resentment of most guys and why a lotta male bashing goes on.....especially on my bad days. sorry guys. thats just the way it is. thats how its always been, thats what it always will be. i guess. do i have a reason to change? not really. why change if its the way thats work for the last however many years? so guys? "suck it up buttercup" or thats just too bad for you. hahaha. oks maybe not so funny if you know the root.

ive been thinking a lot about life and death lately. what makes life, life? and what makes death, death? what makes these two so different and unique when really...their both the same thing? living is like dying. its just a different spin on perspective...its all in how you look at it rite? in a way death is really life, because only THEN do you escape the ugly-ness of this world. lots of thinking eh? theres more.

ive been thinking about friends. who my real friends are. who my friends were. what a friend really is. i used to have these neat lil workable definations which ppl agreed with or just understood, even if they didnt believe in it. and now? i laugh at those definations i had in my head. "a friend is someone whose there for you when you need them to be" ha! what a joke. my "friends" are "there" for me...WHEN they feel like it, when it fits conviently into their lil schedules, or when their just plain bored. life today is NEVER boring. theres just too many things calling your attention.. theres never a free time slot and you know what? life doesnt happen at the pace we set and how we schedule it..it just happens. so my "friends" interesting. i cant even tell you whose gonna be there for sure.

another thing thats on my mind? promises. really. stop with them. enough is enough. ha. even those ppl who are like "i dont break promises" break them. and you know what? one too many. even the ppl that i love the most eventually broke their promises. these are the ppl that i trusted the most. ha. notice the past tense? its almost like its just me and the world with God by myside. in reality thats all i really need.. but sometimes its nice to have ppl there to cry with you and to share your joy. but oh wells. so until i can get over everything? dont even promise me. just tell me you'll try and thats good enough for me. ha. just when i started to trust in promises again...the promises get broken. its a long long road ahead. i can tell you that now. and what fun it shall be for me. you know. i dont even know why i bother trying to learn to take people's promises anymore, when their just broken. when was the last time a promise was kept? beats me. i probably was like 10 and too small to understand what a promise was.

theres other things lingering in my mind still...and until i come to terms with it.. i will just hafta keep mulling over it in my head. i guess. those who know, know. those who dont, dont. whatever. i guess i just dun care about much anymore. i mean what IS there to care about? whats left for me to care about which hasnt been destroyed or scarred...or even just plain not broken? ha. let me know when you come up with something.