so... as summer finishes.. (quite sad really..) i've learnt a couple things. some the hard way, and some i wish i didnt hafta learn about at ALL.

• nite shift sucks. it screws with your bio clock SO much... trust me on that. i dont function... at all. *sigh*
• some people will never really change... dirty old men will ALWAYS be dirty old men. cheaters will always cheat. jerks will always be jerks. its a fact of life i guess....
• God is good. how silly of me to forget that some days.
• Those who are there when you make difficult decisions and love you and support you are those who are truely your friends. sad how it took me this many years to learn that. thanx gurls. better late then never.

these are just some of the lessons i've learnt.. but whats more important is what ive learnt about myself, i guess.. most people already know themselves pretty well... as for me? i have no clue. i dont know who i am, or where i came from.. for all i know, i COULD be mongolian.. hahaha.. rite sarah? haha..... but seriously? this summer i've learnt a lot. someone once asked me, what am i scared of. so what AM i scared of? the answer i told that person was that i was scared of a lotta things, but i never did mention WHAT they were. thinking back, i dont think i even knew then. spiders? bugs? yeah sure. i hate them.. but when it comes down to it, i CAN suck it up and get rid of it... ocassionally.. or the bug can stay in ITS side of the room, and i'll stay on mine kinda thing. thunderstorms? sometimes yes, sometimes no. who knows? its actually quite peaceful when you look at it through a window next to the lake, its got a nice cosy kinda feel to it. truthfully many ppl have told me who they thought that i am. but its only when i know for myself in my head AND in my heart and not just in my head that it makes any sense and it gives me an identity.

tonite, i went somewhere, where i wouldnt usually be caught dead in. dont ask why. so many ppl have. i have my own reasons. sometimes ppl change. what you loved once upon a time isnt what you're always gonna love. trust me on that one. but i digress. i went to fellowship tonite. a place i havent gone in months. something i didnt exactly plan on doing. so why did i go? i went because i felt like God wanted to say something to me. and tell me something he did. kinda shocking at once, and all at the same time, it all made sense. kinda crazy for me to have not seen it comming like that. i've been blind for too long.. or else i've been living in denial. what i've discovered is that i've built walls up around me. not just around me physically, but around all thats essentially me. in essence, what i've done is shut myself in some lil box, unintentionally. why's that? its got something to do with fear i suppose. remember the camp/retreat thinger where we talked about hiv? and how we were to be infected? and how the majority of us tried doing that but one by one, some of us started giving up? for those of you that werent there, hiv is an acronym for honesty, integrity, vulnerability. the first two, i have no problems with. its the last one that brings issues.

you see. once upon a time, i tried that. i tried being vulnerable, at first to all my close friends, and it grew eventually.. to my friends and slowly to my acquantences. but one of my "friend"s that i trusted very much, unintentionally hurt me. and this pain, hasnt been dealt with.. instead, its been burried and hidden. so that it would never be exposed. never be known. even to my conscious self or my gurls who knew everything about me. as times passed, this harboured wound grew.. bigger and bigger until it affected all of me altho i didnt intend for that. so i ended up building a lil glass house for which all my emotions lived. and to protect the lil glass house, i've built walls after walls.. "sheltering" me from those in my life and especially those that i love, so that never again would anyone be able to do that to me.

so as i realized all of this tonite, it kinda shocked me. i never woulda suspect that this was going on in my life. the theme for to nite was celebration. a kinda thanksgiving kinda cop. where we just sit there and think about ALL that Gods done for us.. ok not all.. cuz thats just too much stuff.. but like enough stuff to be like *jaw drop* it was kinda crazy for me tho.. cuz tonite was a night of realization..and a night of asking God to take those barriers away, as hard as i've tried to build them, and to take away the lil glass house that my emotions live in, so that once again, i can feel. funny how a lil trip to the library does so much to you. i havent been there in ages either. its just a lil reminder of all the things i used to love doing. maybe now i can find out who i used to be and just be the me, unhindered from things past.

ciao.