to those who actually care about my msn name and are wondering? i have a lil piece of news.

*sigh*

this is kinda hard to talk about. not because of what it is about. in a sense, im used to that already. this i guess is a statement to how much i have failed. a statement to which i cannot do things on my own. a statement to which all those who have been with me and helped me in the last 3 years, i have failed. and apparently will continue to fail.

just when i thought i was on top of it all and i was able to handle things again, i just realized i've failed the world. not JUST the world.. but MY world.. my world of caring people who have struggled with me in hopes that i mite be better and i hopes that i would be healed. but you know what? im not. i screwed up again.

it started when i went on night shift i guess. no longer was i awake when my world was. no longer were mommy and daddy able to keep track of what i was eatting. the funny thing about this whole thing? they knew. or at least have an idea. this whole time. i never told them. im pretty sure people wouldnt have told them. but they know. and surprizingly, they've been quite supportive.. but this time around? they dont know.. just yet. tho im sure they suspect somethings up. cuz mommy keeps asking me if i wanna eat and daddy jumps at the slighest inclination of me being hungry. even if hes like snoozing on the couch or something.. he'll jump up and run around the house like we have guest comming over and try to pull a full meal together for me.

how did i FINALLY realize that i screwed up again? people tried to tell me. did i listen? no. i just told them they were crazy. but they WERE right. i just didnt know it. i went to go put on a shirt that used to fit PERFECTLY. well it did when i bought it. it now doesnt fit. its too big.. kinda like that pink halter i tried on at ub with di. but not as bad. then it hit me to check my other clothes..the stuff i bought in the last couple weeks. to see which ones fit and which ones were in a good size. ha. i almost died when i found out what size they were. for one. i didnt know they made clothes THAT small. for another. i didnt know whether to cry out of happiness cuz i lost all the weight i gained on res, or to die of shock cuz i lost THAT much weight. *sigh* gurls are problems. honestly. or maybe its just me and cuz im screwed in the head.

so now, as i try to fix me. (trust me. its hard. i had a peacan tart and a cup of milk for lunch and im full. i didnt even wanna stuff the rest of the pecan tart down.. cuz i was THAT full.. gross eh?) i just wanna ask you all a fav. just pray for me. unless you're mabs and in which case, you know what to do. even tho i'll hate you while you do it, i love you still.. deep down. .. just now while i cry and fuss cuz i dun feel like eatting anymore. dun worry. i'll try to gain it back. for when you come back in nov... or at least by christmas anyways..

and thats all i gotta say about how screwed up i am. thanx for reading. its long. i know. now im off to maybe put some more food in.