hello world.
i GUESS im finally back. but i only have 2 weeks off before i start school again. life is SOO stressful! well.. maybe its just cuz i stress too much. how do you stop stressing and stop worrying once you start? its so hard. i cant stop worry and stressing. and i cant not do work. how do i relax? how do you learn something like that? how do you TEACH someone that? telling me to do nothing isnt the way to do it either...i dun think... cuz i get sooo much more stressed from not doing anything that i finally just go do something to be not as stressed. which doesnt help my non-relaxing either. what does it mean to relax anyhow? it sounds to me as elusive an idea as freedom. something that you just cant define but you know what it is when you've attained it. when will i obtain it? will i ever get it?

so many things are flying rite AT me or PAST me. so many people i know i should talk to, but i just cant bring myself to. and the more i look at my reasons for not, the dumber the reasons become, until eventually they just become an excuse or a question of laziness. or maybe even just more trust issues. how do you learn to trust when you dont even trust yourself? its so hard to take things one step at a time, when you dont even know what the step you've about to take IS, or you dont even know what step you're taking rite now. who do i trust? what do i trust in?

how do you tell yourself who you are? how do you find out who you are? how do you remind yourself that you are a child of God and that He loves you SO much? how do you tell yourself that you're beautiful, JUST BECAUSE God loves me? you know that sunday school song that goes "Jesus loves me, this i know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but he is strong" that songs been running through my head. but i cant even bring myself to sing it even in my brain, or whisper it our even sing it out loud. and when i hear it. i just start to cry. and thats that. as i sit here and type now, im crying. "silly girl" is that you're thinking rite? or maybe its even just "you're so stupid" but you know what? i dont care what you say. ive spent too much of my life already thinking about whatever negative things ppl have said to me. and now its time to come clean and to deal with them as they come up, instead of keep them inside of me and remembering them. its good enough to know that God loves me enough for me to send Jesus to earth to die for MY sins and that God loves me enough to have made me in the image of him, and maybe i should just stop calling that ugly. because love, doesnt care about the yuckyness of a person on the outside. since Jesus doesnt care about that in me, maybe i should stop caring about the negative comments then.

somethings in life are ment to be appreciated. and i THANK you. all of you who have made me laugh. especially those in the last week. oh jz. oh how i needed it! thanx. i know i can always count on you for the joys and to split my sorrows.