Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

We the stars fall and I lie awake
Your my shooting star

so i got this on my facebook last night...kinda worth pondering over...just exactly why did i let it happen to me...

o All The Girls: Taken from Jenn to spread the love
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11:43pm Thursday, Oct 18
Here's to all the girls who used to be his number one.

The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning & be disappointed.

The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, & moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened.

Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going.

The ones who listened to him say, "I only want to be your friend", one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves & misses you.

We deserve something, and this is our tribute.

Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, & even snuck around to see him for while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, & ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming.

This is for us.

Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again.

We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early.

We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us.

We learned to settle for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated.

Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up & put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today.

The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again.

This is for those great girls who loved him more than words can say, & took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day & wonder "what if".

This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, & cried during the entire conversation.
The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it.

This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with.

This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, & get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that "things were going too fast, he needs time."

Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt.

The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again.

This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so."

The ones that could just tell that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts & their dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that.

Here's for the ones that finally realized that he never gave a crap about them.

Here's for the time that he broke your heart again.

This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, & the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment.

Here's for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better.

This is for those confusing days, when you miss him & want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist.

Stay strong and remember that relationships are like broken glass; sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together & get hurt. Remember the times you cried & how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When 'your song' comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made & tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation & the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was.

Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night & how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to.

One day you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will.

It's going to hurt like hell, & it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal. This is for those girls who fell back in love with their ex, only to get hurt all over again....

This Ones for Us.

a trip to refershment..

WOW...its been a while...

in the midst of everything..in trying to follow God's path for me. in figuring out where he wants me to go and who he wants me to keep in my life..one of my lil brothers reminded me of thigns that i have failed to put into words in a long, long time. but one thing for sure is to ALWAYS stop to thank, praise and love God..because HE LOVES US. like that quote says: "do not get discouraged - it may be the last key on the ring that opens the door" [Stansifer].

so without further adieu, here is a poem, a servant's heart, written by my dear lil brother Gabe Li.

"My Friend, My Father, My King
This is what my religion means to me
It’s not just something people talk about
It’s a life long journey that only ends
When my time is up and I’m dancing on
White clouds beside my one and only KING.
I’m dancing in heaven beside my King because
This is how I show my love for my King who
Gave his life on the cross so that I could be free
Shown me forgiveness when I stumble
Given me strength in time of need
This kind of love is unheard of in the world today
A love that I don’t deserve, one that won’t ever be matched
Not even by my future wife and that too is given by his love
I’m so glad I’m part of this it’s the best decision I ever made
What’s even greater this love is for everyone
The unloved, Criminals, Enemies
His love never runs dry it’s there every moment of my life
Now you can see why I call him
My Friend, My Father, MY KING!"

reflect on the words...where IS your heart? Wheres God's place in your heart? in your life? its not gonna be hard to trust God with your all..but try it.. much like how i had to learn (and still learning) to give up my ideal, fairy-tale life..with the happily ever after as soon as i meet my prince..some things are harder to deal with...the longer the wait, the sweeter the wine.

Think of Me.

Think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said, goodbye.
Remember me, once in a while -please promise me, you'll try.

When you find that, once again, you long
to take your heart back and be free -
if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me ...

We never said our love was evergreen, or as unchanging as the sea -
but if you can still remember, stop and think of me ...

Think of all the things we've shared and seen -
don't think about the things which might have been ...

Think of me, think of me waking, silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind.

Recall those days, look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do - there will
never be a day, when I won't think of you ...



Can it be?
Can it be Christine?

What a change! You're really not a bit
the gawkish girl that once you were ...

She may not remember
me, but I remember her ...



We never said our love was evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea -
but please promise me that sometimes
you will think ah-ah-ah-ah-aaah-of me!

__

sometimes i wish my life was like Christines. Nice and simple, and uncomplicated. Where people DO mean what they say and say what they mean to do. where my heart stops breaking, because the same people dont keep teling me that i dont matter, and dont keep forgetting me.

Where being with me is something important, not another chore to do,
where spending time with me is a joy, not a burdan
where i am loved and cherished in my times of sorrow, and not reprimended for it
where i can be free to laugh and cry and be human, in the midst of your robotic natiure

In the end, it is a question of the heart. Where is YOUR heart? Who do you trust with it? What do you dare to place inside of it, to house in your house of crystal?

someone, once told me, "a heart is a fragile thing. that's why we protect them so vigorously, give them away so rarely, and why it means so much more than we do. Some hearts are more fragile than others. Purer, somehow, like crystal in a world of glass, even the way they shatter is beautiful."

some people are just so scared to even look at their own heart, they hide it away in some back closet, hoping that if they themselves dont even touch it, then perhaps their heart will never break. but in hiding their hearts, they go through life, day in and day out...just short of being robotic and mechanical.

in the book "the ransomed heart" by john eldredge, he talks about the story of elisha in the old testiment. the last story we have recorded of elish is about king jehoash. Elisha was dying, and isreal was in trouble. in the recordings of 2 kings 13:18-20, elisha gave king johoash some arros and told him to strike the ground. the king did as he was told...but only for 3 times. and elisha got mad at him, and then died.

to this, john eldredge says, " What a strange story! why was the old prophet so angry? because the king was nonchalant; he was passionless, indifferent. He gave the ground a whack or two. his heart wasnt in it. God says, in effect, 'if that is how little you csre about the future of your people, then that is all the help you will get.' in other words, if your hearts not in it, well then, neither is mine. you cant lead a country, let alone flourish in a marriage, with an attitude like that. to abondon desire is to say, 'i dont really n eed you; i dont really want you. but i will live with you because, well, im supposed to.' it is a grotesque corruption of what was meant to be a beautiful dance between desire and devotion" (pg. 55)

to all of my dears who read this, and to my dearest. the question i have for you today is WHERE is your heart? are you settling for simple function and survival? or are you gonna step it up and tell the dark forces, you want to LIVE? are you gonna shut up, sit down and believe in the lies? or are you goona stand up and tell the lies to shut up, sit down and believe in the truth?

this choice is a choice you need to make every day. to choose life, or to choose the death of the heart. i wish i could make this chocie for you each and every day, dearest. but it is you who must make this choice. i can only stand silently in the wings of the production of your life, to cheer you on, and to pray for you, and help pick you up when you stumble...but only if you let me.

the question isnt am i here..the question is, are you willing to be here too?