Lord, im tired. Lord help me to keep walking on the path you've given me. and Lord, if its not too much trouble, give me strength to overcome this brokendown body of mine. and to keep me from being discouraged by the problems, and to keep my eyes on you. amen.

i hope you're happy in whatever you do. i hope you're happy wherever you are now. just know that at the end of each and every day, i love you. at the end of each and every day, i miss you. i miss every moment you're not here with me. regardless of what i know. regardless of what anyone else knows. none of it makes a difference if you dont know it for yourself. just know that at the end of every day, and in each moment, i will always be here.


lest we forget.

...oh the sappyness!! hahaha...whatever.. you know you LUFF it!! hahaahahaha

...just kidding..i know you dont..but its fun to tease you! ^.~ hehehee

summer update to come...later...hahaha..maybe after my drama..hahahah


...wise men say...

kinda funny how God made music.
i used to dislike my lessons.
but NOW i am thankful for it,
for without them,
i dont know if i would have learnt all that God has been teaching me through songs
i dont know if my life would have been so rich.

i guess this is where my life is at.
this is to one person in specific.
i guess its better if some details are left out
but this person, if he/she should read this,
will know that i am taking to him/her.


Meteor Rain ~ by F4

"The loving starry sky
Should make you feel touched
I'm here by your side
Decorating a piece of heaven for you
I wouldn't allow you to feel sad
I'll chase away your loneliness
The weight of your unfulfilled dreams
let me bear them all
Leading you by the hand
Doesn't matter how strong the wind becomes
For you have me now
You'll never lose your way again."

if you read this, you should know what i mean.
if you some how find your way here, this is from my heart to yours.
if you some how find this, look into into my eyes,
where i can see your soul, and you can see mine.
i know where your heart is, do you know where mine is?

so i guess this one song explains my whole life rite now..funny how its from a backstreet boy! but i love them nevertheless..

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said “no way”
But I laid it all down, gave everything
In my head rang the words that my Father said
You’re never far
I will be where you are
And when you come to Me
I will open My arms

Welcome home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know, son, it’s good just to see your face

When I look at you holding my heart
I will give to you all that I have
Son, I know there’ll be times you will feel all alone
I will share with you the words my Father said
You’re never far
I will be where you are
And when you come to Me
You can bet I will open My arms

So I’ll be waiting for that day
Just to feel Your warm embrace
Your love has shown I will never be alone
For You will welcome me home
I’ll forever be, for you will say to me
Welcome home

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said “no way”

so, i guess theres not much to say anymore.

simply put, im just not good enough.

and so the yelling starts.

yelling for not listening
yelling for not caring what other people say
yelling for simply being me.

who gives a crap anymore
not me

it simply doesnt matter anymore.

i will simply shut my mouth and cease to exist.


thats what they want anyways so what difference does it make?

the only one who cares about this is me.



if i live, if i die....
if im happy, if im sad..


so go ahead and friggin yell....

the worlds doing it...

so theres nothing left for me to say.

i simply dont exist anymore.

because who i am simply just isnt good enough.
and at the end of the day, everyone just simply wants a bitch.

so i give up. simply, thats all there is. i give up. to all of you who have been SOO helpful...if you think loving me and helping me means you stab me in the back or turning against me? thanx. some "family" i have...both the literal one and the one made of "friends". i know im not good enough when i go by the azn standards. thanx for also telling me that me being who i am and being myself isnt good enough for you as well. you know. i thought being who i was would make my friends happy because that means i have been released from the azn standards. i also thought i would be a lot more happier. but to be released from the azn standards makes everyone hate me, and tell me that im not good enough. being me used to be good enough for me and for everyone else. it was the one thing everyone wanted and encouraged. well. simply put. im not good enough as is. no one is happy with the real me. the only one who used to be happy was me. and if thats all the people thats going to be happy then maybe i wont bother anymore. if being me isnt good enough, then why bother? at least the other way, everyone else was happy...i simply give up. you win. i loose. so go celebrate. dont bother calling. im not going to pick up. dont bother writting. im not gonna read it. because the real me cant deal with seeing what you "need" or want to say to me about me. and the real me cant deal with knowing how much i have disappointed you. and that is simiply all. you win. i loose. end of story.

so im getting better at updating...but not by much.. remember the days when i used to post like everyday? thats a little to vulnerable for me. because then i have all these people that i dont know in the depths of my heart and some of them are "friends" who poke around until they find something to break and then do so. maybe its better that i keep things inside of me and i dont post them out for the world to see, in my joys and in my sorrows...who knows..

one thing Gods definatly asked me is why do i trust others with my heart and why didnt i trust God with it as well? it was almost like i had put people before God, because i trusted them more with my heart. and for a while, it was working well...but of course, God knows better then i, and His question definatly was an important one.

why am i trusting people with my heart? they are ONLY mere humans. but to me, they definatly didnt seem that way at first. like everything, humans come off one way, only to be another. i trusted them with my heart with the understanding that they would take care of it, just as i have taken care of theres. but in the end, that made no difference. as humans, mistakes, intentional or unintentional happens. and one by one, the heart gets broken. and when your human sources have all failed you, there is no where else to turn, but to your creator. the One who has been asking for my heart all along, and ive simiply ignored.

true to His word, God is a TRUE gentleman. He never barges in, never gets upset when we're taking a long time..instead, He simply stands at the door of your heart and knocks. and knocks until you answer it. and if you hear Him, but dont want to let Him in, then He simply waits outside until you are ready for Him to come into your life and make a difference in your world. it was in this deep dark gloom of people breaking my heart that He RESCUED me. He went and found all the parts to my heart, and lovingly and gently, He put the pieces back together, all the while holding me together so that through leaning on Him, i could live.

i look of the lives of others who do not have this intimate relationship with my Jesus, my God, my rescuer, and the lover of my SOUL. and i think to myself, "oh how i wish that i didnt know this Jesus man, so that i could live like them, free from anything the devil throws at me" but i also know that without Jesus, i dont have a standing chance against the evil one. and it is ONLY because you are standing in the will of the LORD that satan takes any intrest in you. satan only has intrest in you, so long as you throw him off his throne in your life, or the lives of those around you. when you do that, you become a threat to him, and he declars war on you.

"for when we are weak, then we are strong" says the word of the Lord. for when we are weak in the human flesh and we KNOW that we are incapable, then we are STRONG in the Lord. because whatever happens, whatever is done, whatever is said, will be through the Lord. not by work and not by might, but by the mighty power of Jesus.

ask me now, with what i know, am i scared of doing Gods will? yes i am scared. but at the same time, i KNOW God will do something. and He WILL prevail. ask me now, with what i know, who has my heart? i will tell you, people are let INTO my heart. but the one who HOLDS my heart is my rescuer, my hero, my lover, the one i love, the one who will NEVER back down nor break my heart.

you know that song by the backstreet boys that says "i'll never break your heart"? what a lie. mere men are mere humans. only a supernatural God can promise me to never break my heart. definatly time to get off the hollywood defination of love, and go back to the basics and learn what God made love to BE.

hopes this helps whoever reads this.
cheers.