kinda funny how God made music.
i used to dislike my lessons.
but NOW i am thankful for it,
for without them,
i dont know if i would have learnt all that God has been teaching me through songs
i dont know if my life would have been so rich.

i guess this is where my life is at.
this is to one person in specific.
i guess its better if some details are left out
but this person, if he/she should read this,
will know that i am taking to him/her.


Meteor Rain ~ by F4

"The loving starry sky
Should make you feel touched
I'm here by your side
Decorating a piece of heaven for you
I wouldn't allow you to feel sad
I'll chase away your loneliness
The weight of your unfulfilled dreams
let me bear them all
Leading you by the hand
Doesn't matter how strong the wind becomes
For you have me now
You'll never lose your way again."

if you read this, you should know what i mean.
if you some how find your way here, this is from my heart to yours.
if you some how find this, look into into my eyes,
where i can see your soul, and you can see mine.
i know where your heart is, do you know where mine is?

so i guess this one song explains my whole life rite now..funny how its from a backstreet boy! but i love them nevertheless..

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said “no way”
But I laid it all down, gave everything
In my head rang the words that my Father said
You’re never far
I will be where you are
And when you come to Me
I will open My arms

Welcome home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know, son, it’s good just to see your face

When I look at you holding my heart
I will give to you all that I have
Son, I know there’ll be times you will feel all alone
I will share with you the words my Father said
You’re never far
I will be where you are
And when you come to Me
You can bet I will open My arms

So I’ll be waiting for that day
Just to feel Your warm embrace
Your love has shown I will never be alone
For You will welcome me home
I’ll forever be, for you will say to me
Welcome home

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said “no way”

so, i guess theres not much to say anymore.

simply put, im just not good enough.

and so the yelling starts.

yelling for not listening
yelling for not caring what other people say
yelling for simply being me.

who gives a crap anymore
not me

it simply doesnt matter anymore.

i will simply shut my mouth and cease to exist.


thats what they want anyways so what difference does it make?

the only one who cares about this is me.



if i live, if i die....
if im happy, if im sad..


so go ahead and friggin yell....

the worlds doing it...

so theres nothing left for me to say.

i simply dont exist anymore.

because who i am simply just isnt good enough.
and at the end of the day, everyone just simply wants a bitch.

so i give up. simply, thats all there is. i give up. to all of you who have been SOO helpful...if you think loving me and helping me means you stab me in the back or turning against me? thanx. some "family" i have...both the literal one and the one made of "friends". i know im not good enough when i go by the azn standards. thanx for also telling me that me being who i am and being myself isnt good enough for you as well. you know. i thought being who i was would make my friends happy because that means i have been released from the azn standards. i also thought i would be a lot more happier. but to be released from the azn standards makes everyone hate me, and tell me that im not good enough. being me used to be good enough for me and for everyone else. it was the one thing everyone wanted and encouraged. well. simply put. im not good enough as is. no one is happy with the real me. the only one who used to be happy was me. and if thats all the people thats going to be happy then maybe i wont bother anymore. if being me isnt good enough, then why bother? at least the other way, everyone else was happy...i simply give up. you win. i loose. so go celebrate. dont bother calling. im not going to pick up. dont bother writting. im not gonna read it. because the real me cant deal with seeing what you "need" or want to say to me about me. and the real me cant deal with knowing how much i have disappointed you. and that is simiply all. you win. i loose. end of story.

so im getting better at updating...but not by much.. remember the days when i used to post like everyday? thats a little to vulnerable for me. because then i have all these people that i dont know in the depths of my heart and some of them are "friends" who poke around until they find something to break and then do so. maybe its better that i keep things inside of me and i dont post them out for the world to see, in my joys and in my sorrows...who knows..

one thing Gods definatly asked me is why do i trust others with my heart and why didnt i trust God with it as well? it was almost like i had put people before God, because i trusted them more with my heart. and for a while, it was working well...but of course, God knows better then i, and His question definatly was an important one.

why am i trusting people with my heart? they are ONLY mere humans. but to me, they definatly didnt seem that way at first. like everything, humans come off one way, only to be another. i trusted them with my heart with the understanding that they would take care of it, just as i have taken care of theres. but in the end, that made no difference. as humans, mistakes, intentional or unintentional happens. and one by one, the heart gets broken. and when your human sources have all failed you, there is no where else to turn, but to your creator. the One who has been asking for my heart all along, and ive simiply ignored.

true to His word, God is a TRUE gentleman. He never barges in, never gets upset when we're taking a long time..instead, He simply stands at the door of your heart and knocks. and knocks until you answer it. and if you hear Him, but dont want to let Him in, then He simply waits outside until you are ready for Him to come into your life and make a difference in your world. it was in this deep dark gloom of people breaking my heart that He RESCUED me. He went and found all the parts to my heart, and lovingly and gently, He put the pieces back together, all the while holding me together so that through leaning on Him, i could live.

i look of the lives of others who do not have this intimate relationship with my Jesus, my God, my rescuer, and the lover of my SOUL. and i think to myself, "oh how i wish that i didnt know this Jesus man, so that i could live like them, free from anything the devil throws at me" but i also know that without Jesus, i dont have a standing chance against the evil one. and it is ONLY because you are standing in the will of the LORD that satan takes any intrest in you. satan only has intrest in you, so long as you throw him off his throne in your life, or the lives of those around you. when you do that, you become a threat to him, and he declars war on you.

"for when we are weak, then we are strong" says the word of the Lord. for when we are weak in the human flesh and we KNOW that we are incapable, then we are STRONG in the Lord. because whatever happens, whatever is done, whatever is said, will be through the Lord. not by work and not by might, but by the mighty power of Jesus.

ask me now, with what i know, am i scared of doing Gods will? yes i am scared. but at the same time, i KNOW God will do something. and He WILL prevail. ask me now, with what i know, who has my heart? i will tell you, people are let INTO my heart. but the one who HOLDS my heart is my rescuer, my hero, my lover, the one i love, the one who will NEVER back down nor break my heart.

you know that song by the backstreet boys that says "i'll never break your heart"? what a lie. mere men are mere humans. only a supernatural God can promise me to never break my heart. definatly time to get off the hollywood defination of love, and go back to the basics and learn what God made love to BE.

hopes this helps whoever reads this.
cheers.

wow. its been a while eh? in the words of my gurl wend, "it seems like [i] died!!!" so what do i miss? i miss being the way i used to be. how did i end up the way i am? wheres the me that was once free to express myself in any non-destructive way that i saw fit? what happened with all my friends? those "prim and proper" mannerisms. *sigh* being a little bit closer to who i was this past weekend was definatly fun and reviving...should i stay that way? or should i go back to the reserved and boxed up girl i now am?

is life simply just a set of rules for us to follow? or is it in the reinvention of the small things in life that are important? is it spending time with those we love or is it striving to provide a better life for the same people we love? is it working ourselves to death that matters and counts? or is it simply to work a little and to enjoy alot? to sit on a vast amount of resource or to sit on nothing, and be in want? is it to chase after what is fleeting or to suffer through for an eternal inheritance?

what have i learnt in the last 2.5 months? ive learnt what it means to have true friends. and ive learnt who my real friends are. they are the ones that stick by you in the hard times..and im not talking a hard time like i cant find shoes to match my shirt or i cant believe someone has the same shirt as me....real hard times. those times where you need to make decisions and one is to cut part of your life out, and the other part is to cut your heart in half.

in thinking back this past year, what have i learnt? ive learnt what it means to love. and what it means to keep loving even when it is hard. ive learnt what it means to evaluate your life to find who your real friends are. ive learnt to say goodbye to the past, whether it be pains or "friends". ive learnt what it means to count your blessings and to count your real friends. ive learnt what it means to rely on your true friends. ive learnt what it means to be real with others. and ive definatly learnt more about how much God loves me.

along this path, ive had to say good bye to some people. and see you later for some. whether you be in a place dear to your heart, or simply have walked away from me, im glad you were in my life for a time. and i thank God for you, and the ways you have blessed my life. im sad that you have had to go, but i am not sorry that you gone now. people come in and out of your lives for various things. and for various reasons. everything is BEAUTIFUL, in GODS time...not mine. just because you have been taken from me now, doesnt mean that you are gone forever.

to those people who have been with me through the thick and thin, i thank God for you. and i thank God for the ways He has blessed me, through YOU being in my life. to those people who are fairweather friends. i too, thank God for you and for the hard times. although i would have rathered that you been there for me when i needed you, as i have been for you, im glad to have gone through the hard times without you. at least now i know who my real friends are and are not.

to whoever reads this and is NOT part of my life? what a creep. haha. but God bless. i dont know why you are reading this...but if it makes you happy..as long as you're not stalking me..because then i might just need to get the swat team out and hunt your hide down. but if you're stalking me, you shouldnt be far from me...

more to come as proccessing of the last 2 months happens...*sigh*

i lack words of expression.
to whom these words belong to,
in the words of my dear joshie,
you raised me up.

"When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life – no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up: To more than I can be."

Thank you.

So.
its been a long time.
wanna know why?
HA! you can ask me. haha.

hows life? its life. not much to say..haha.
some things to think about.

where have i been?
where am i going?
what am i doing?
how am i impacting others?

haha. neways. thats all for now. tag ya later!