whats going on? why are there so many hurts?
so many pains? so many lies? what are we doing?
why are we lying to ourselves...

......i'll tell ya if i ever find out....

when will this all fade away?
oh on that day.. there will be great rejoycing.
at least from this one.

oks.. so.. after like a hard and trying time for me, some things were revealed to me. today is ecf, and it was the first real breath of air that i've had in a while. just a breather that i really needed. it was like i forgot how to breathe or something. so many wonderful things have been hapening to me, but i couldnt appreciate it for it's worth. why? so many other things are wearing me down. so anways, tonits topic? "Talking with God" a scary and yet SO cool thing to do! haha.. neways, today, i actually brought my bible. like WOA .. i wasnt gonna at first, but then i was like meh. i'll bring my small one.. cuz i didnt really feel like luging anything around... hahah... neways, Randy said something about how God said "be still, and now that I am God". and for some reason that really really hit me. i've been running around lately. dun really know why. dun really know how. but i was. and so that was like woa. cuz it was AS IF God whispered in my ear "woa.. slow down there... breathe a lil... relax. its in my hands..." and thats when it hit me. why am i running around? why am i panicked? Randy had referenced it to Psalm 46. man, was i GLAD to have brought my bible there. in Psalm 46, it says:

"God is our refuge and strength
an ever present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
'Be still, and know that I am God:
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth'
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of acob is our fortress."

and after reading that, it was like wow. He understands. It was kinda like God saying "focus on what you need to focus and do what you need to do, I have it ALL under control" i dunno. in a way it was what i needed to hear. i look at pictures from the past, and its like wow. what happened? and i really miss those times... all week, i just needed to look at those pics to remind myself of the good times... but everytime i went to look at it because i couldnt believe we had those amazing times, i'd just wanna go and cry again. and i'd never get to looking at those pictures... i just couldnt. funny how one day, everything is all nice and pretty and you go to bed thinking how lucky you really are and how God has really blessed you, only to wake up in the morning to find that its all an illusion, and what you thought you had? you never really had to begin with... it just seems so senseless... i dunno..

and i wanna just thank all of you for being patient with me lately.. i've been short tempered and just in general, annoying.. so i just wanna thank you for just listening to me, or just putting up with me even... and i just want to tell ya that each one of you is God sent. like my own little guardian angel, just there... looking out for me...

and if i can have one request from all of this? pray for love. pray for love for one another. pray for love for family members. pray for love as an individual. as a family. as a group of friends. as a country. as a nation. if theres one thing that really hurts, its to see people turn against each other. there's enough suffering and pain. enough lives ripped appart. why turn on each other, when God calls us to be a family? too many silent tears are shed. love those around you. show them that you love them. what is life without love? truely think about it. what is anything without love?

why is it that those i love are being hurt?
maybe i should stop loving.
maybe then, the hurting will stop...

Forever 17 ~ZOEgirl

Never thought it would be me
Living in this shattered dream
How could this be
The end for me
What I wouldn't give to have
A life to live
A day to plan
Instead I'll be
Forever 17

I coulda lived out every dream
I coulda been most anything

Can someone wake me up
I haven't lived yet
I'm only 17...
God did you forget
I'm just a baby
And I don't wanna be
Forever 17..

I'll never have a bed to make
A test to take
A summer day
I'll always be
Forever 17
I coulda had family
If things had worked out differently
Instead I'll be
Forever 17

Oh could I have just one more day
A chance to learn from my mistakes

Can someone wake me up
I haven't lived yet
I'm only 17...
God did you forget
I'm just a baby
And I don't wanna be
Forever 17...

In a matter of the moment
Life fell before my eyes
Now I'm looking at
The meaning of
The miracle of life
Where were we going
Without ever knowing
The answers deep inside

Forever 17....
So don't give up..
You haven't lived yet...
You're only...17....
And God did not forget.....
You're just a baby..

where were you when i needed you?
*sigh*
sometimes, what you long for and miss, is what the world thinks you already have...

someone take this from us.
i cant deal anymore.
why is this all hidden from me?
why are these cries not answered?
why do these scream remain unheard?
how is it im sheltered from it?
everything is behind closed doors...
closed from even me.
why am i all alone?
why have they left me?
do i not count?
do i not matter?
maybe its better this way.
maybe they think its better this way.
everything seems to just hit me.
im drowning in a sea that exists only to me.
why cant i swim out of this?
why are my legs not kicking?
why are my arms not pulling me up?
someone save us.
no wait.
save them.
i'll manage.
if theres one thing i want,
its to see them safe
hold them close.
dont let go.
watch over them when i cant
hold them close to you.
neglect me,
if it means you hold them THAT much closer
give them strength when they have none
show them the way.
be their light
they are my life.
dont loose them.
give me all their burdens.
make me suffer more,
if it'll give them one more day of happiness
they are still young.
their just learning to walk.
show them the path so that they dont get lost.
show them you love and that you care
teach them what love is,
regardless of what goes on around them
give them all a willing heart to do what is right,
and not what is easy.
that is all i ask.

so today i moved back into res.. and man!im SUCH a lazy bum.. like omg... and im STIL not unpacked yet.. its been like 3 hrs.. *Sigh*... maybe more moving and less talking.. cuz i cant seem to talk and move at the same time.. haha.. so problematic... oh wells.. hahahaha back to unpacking.. more blogging later.. its been a weird last couple days... explain later.. haha

woa.... AWSOMEST day today.. crazy.
Praise God for it too!!!!!!
know whats so good about my day?

- ate tons... felt like a turkey being stuffed
- wasnt sick at all
- ate as much as i wanted
- didnt get nagged at to eat more
- got shoes!!!! that were on SALE!!!! Boo-yeah baby! haha
- laughed like nuts at my family (we were soo silly today.. like omg)
- was warm for most of the day.. basically up until now.. haha...
- _______________

that blank up ther eis for whatever else i forgot.. cuz im pretty sure i forgot something... hmm... ask andrew.. he should know.. and di, if you ever read this.. not your andrew... but i doubt she'll read this so meh. and if you know something that i forgot.. TELL MEEEEE... or keep it to yourself and be selfish.. haha.. i dunno.. this was just an awsome day and i didnt even think about it.. crazy. *sigh* im going back to res like tomlo and i dunno.. its a weird feeling... its a different pressure there.. thats for sure.. and on top of that, its more like what i put on me. funny. i thought i'd get more done in the 3 weeks i had off.. apparently not.. hmm...i dun wanna go back to school.. i like this lets live at home and make a HUGE mess and not hafta clean up after me kinda deal... its so much more fun then cleaning up after me!!!!!oks.. i think thats enough from me.. maybe i need to go pack now.. hmm... or watch the movie... i dunno.. hmm.. or do nothing.. .hahaha. i dunno....

p.s. andrews email is big_mac@hotmail.com and his phone number is 905 462-9291 .. you think i'd really give you his number? what if you're some freak looking to call him? hmm... see??? i dun wanna die cuz of this so yeah.. hahaha.. and his email? wanna know if its real or not? hmm.... naww.... suspense man... hahaha....do i look like i wanna die? yeah i do? naw. life is too awsome to die.. haha and his phone number says "go away!" hahahah

my aunt from hk is here!!!! hehehe...
NEWAYs.. shes HILARIOUS.. omg... non stop laughing..
soo much fun but so tiring.
i wanted to go to bed and it was only like 730.. yeah.. odd..
neways.. blog later. im exausted.