Happy New Year everyone!!!!
as i sit in bed and think about the past year,
(yes lil boy. im sitting in bed. be jealous. but i already explained to you)
many many things have happened. many lessons learnt.
some of these things were good. some were not so good.
some were just HILARIOUS. like the one i had with some guy named anthony
... he's either really drunk or needs glasses or something....
thats all i got to say about him... rite mabs?

a lotta times i was in need.. more of it was in the last 4 months...many of you know why. from my incapabilities to expressing myself to my self-destruction.sure im getting back on track, sure i wanna thow up. at the end of the day, its worth it.sure i gained like NUTS esp this last 2 weeks that i've been home.. but is it helping?excuse my weird moments while i adjust to my new diets, the one now and the one on res.

i just wanna thank all of you who have been helping me get back on track.
from just listening, to making sure im ok, to asking me if i ate, to shoving food down my throat...
even tho i may have disliked you for the moment because of what you were doing for me,
i just wanna say that without you, i couldnt have made it this far. and it seems that every time i fall, i just fall harder.. so hard that it seems impossible to get back on track and its oh SO easy to just give up. but you dun let me and i just wanna thank you all for that.. and thanx for ALWAYS putting up with me.

as far as growing goes.. i dunno.. well in the physical sense, ask my dad. hes got lots to say about my weight. and my grammie probably will when i go see her tomolo. but its ok. whatever...and in the spiritual sense, so many things have happened. i just dunno even where to start! its amazing what God can do in JUST one year....and it is in times where i wanted to not be is where i learnt most. its like stretching. it hurts while you do it, but afterwards, it just feels SO good. and next time, when you go to stretch the same stretch again, it feels a whole lot better and its easier and sooner or later, its like nothing. amazing eh? funny i never saw it like that before and when God was helping me grow...

and as dumb as it is for me to make a new years resolution cuz i never remember them long enough to call it a resolution. im gonna try to live a life, worthy of the calling. as Pastor Paula says, "we need to be DOERS of God's Word, NOT just hearers". the verse that the english congregation was trying to memorize is ephesians 4:2 in NIV, it says "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." but then what does it mean to bear with one another in love? in the NLT version, it says "making allowance for each other's faults because of your love." THANK YOU NLT so that ppl like me can understand it. this is something i definatly need to work on for the new year. someone remind me when i forget. which WILL be often. trust me. i forget things ALL the time. so remind me.

so many ppl have come and gone from my life. and if you're one of those and you just happen to stumble upon this page, thank you for making a difference in my life. and if you're still in my life. thank you for being you anyways. hahhaa... neways. theres 10 mins til the new year and my rents are rushing around like mad, and they want me to come downstairs to them. so this is me signing off for 2003. happy new year all. cheers.

oks. i need to start fresh.
who wants to run away with me and start over sot that im not a loner?
no one? thats what i thought...
i'll be around.
dun ask when or where or anything.
cuz i cant tell you.

omg... today.. my dad, at lunch, he was like "im gonna make you a fat pig"
at the grocery store, he was like "she got fatter since she came home" to my mom
*sigh*... to fight this and not feel bad for gaining weight.. what fun...
and to not feel sick would be good.... oh wells.. whatever...
then in toronto my grammies gonna stuff me with food.. my uncle david will too.
crazy crazy times... its all about the food apparently... "food is love" apparently.
*sigh*... oh wells.. ihave the next 4 months to loose it. i'll do it. seemlessly.
then im gonna move home and just gain like nuts for the next 4 months.
wonderful life eh?

its a 1100. im up, showered, dressed AND i ate breakfast..
whats wrong with this?
im never showered til the evening,
im never dressed unless im going out.
i dont usually eat breakfast.. why feel sick when i dun hafta?
AND im up before 11, that doesnt seem to happen when im home anymore
CRAZY.. its gonna be a wild day.

why do i feel so alone?
why do i feel like im missing something?
whats wrong with me? whats going on?
its like im depressed or something
i keep eatting and sleeping...
thats ALL that i do.... hmm.....
whats there that could be eatting me?
why am i in like depression mode...
*sigh* im just screwed in the head i suppose.
and why do i feel sick? i thought i kicked it..
i guess im just impatient... and incompentent apparently.
oh wells. whatever. im gonna kick it. cuz i promised to
no worries. its all good.

mcmac praise nite!!! it was sooo awsome...
silly jeffery.. you're in BIG trouble... its STILL stuck in my head!!!!!
urgh! hhahaha... oh wells...
and WHEN will my mother stop worrying about me1?
JZ! i can drive fine! URGH! *sigh* whatever.
i give up. IMPOSSIBLE to deal with her...
apparently im still ike 3 and i cant do anything. wonderful.
oh wells... too bad for me..
who reads this junk anyways..haha

to be able to eat is a blessing.
to be able to feel good eatting is a gift.
to be able to enjoy a meal for its worth, is more then i can say.
guys, im on my way to kicking this thing!!!!!!!!!
*crosses fingers*
lets hope i didnt speak too soon.....

i was talking to Jon last nite.
He asked me why does it hurt to care? to do the right thing?
I told him because it hurts to care.
Why else would Jesus come for us?
I was talking to Aaron later last nite
He told me I should listen to myself.
I told him, i always do.
Guess what? it's not always true.
If it was, then i wouldnt be asking "why care?"
why would i care when it hurts to care?
because it hurts more to not care.
to just watch those around you fall appart and not able to do anything is the worst.

Merry Christmas!!!!

its Christmas day. guess what i've done to date?
- had Christmas service
- watched a fob movie..with cecillia Cheung
- ate lunch
- had cheese cake
- had half of a tea
- threw up
- ripped up a friendship.

wonderful day for me eh?
want your friendship broken? just come to me.
im such an EXCELLENT friend..watch me destroy
your friendships... come near me if you dare..
as for the rest of the world? im just gonna fade.
slowly fade away, that way, the God given gift
of friendship will not be destroyed by me.....

Merry Christmas Everyone....
God loves you. unlike me, all i ever do is bring
hurt and hate. sure i love you guys... but they
definatly dun match my actions. if there is love,
friends would stay friends. not become enemies.
have a good one. see you in heaven. if i make it there.

-------
p.s. the children's musical yesterday nite? AWSOME.
good job you guys! thanx for never failing to make me
smile and laugh when i need it. and for always reminding
me why we were here and why we exist.

woa! CRAZY day today..
my dad comes home, with this HUGE prime rib!
omg!!!! AND it was like $87.56!!!!! CRAZY!
how are we gonna eat it!? it BEARLY fits in the fridge!
SURE we're having ppl over.. but HELLLOOOO?!?!?!?!
their not gonna finish it. i know that. *sigh*
silly daddy.. he basically brought home a cow!.. oh wells..
OH! and i went shopping with my mommy.
the weirdest thing? i got TWO pairs of pants that FIT!
count them! ONE, TWO! woa!!!!!!!... and you all think im nuts
the thing is... when my mom and i go shopping, we never
end up buying anything... cuz we never agree on anything...
AND when we go buy pants, cuz i always need some,
we NEVER ever get some that fit.. but these ones?
CRAZY! didnt even hafta try them on! they were magic!
oks.. sammi wants to watch some movie now.. ttfn