some questions ive had answered for me recently.. not by my choice that they were answered. but they just were.
-am i good enough? nope. i never will be worth anything
-can i ask questions? nope. asking questions is challenging the authority of someone else.
-can i get a clarification? nope. if you need a clarification, then obviously you're too dumb to live
-can i be myself? nope. cuz you're a failure.
-can i try to understand a situation involving me? nope. that is not permissible
-can i try to understand accusations made against me? nope. just accept them.
-is it possible to make my own decisions? HA. nice one.
-can you pick up after yourself when you leave a mess in my room? nope. its your room. you clean it. cuz i didnt do it.
-am i allowed to be busy cuz of school stuff? nope. you drop everything for what i want you to do for me
-can school be imporant? nope. im more important.
-can i fail school? do that and die
-am i allowed to take a nite off after a whole week of non-stop school work? HA. what a lazy butt. wants to take a couple hours off? you can have a couple minutes. thats it.
-can i make my own plans? nope. because i control you and i always will.
-can i be upset about something? the only thing you're allowed to be upset about is you not following my commands to the letter.
can i be stressed? nope. but i can be, because i hafta put up with you. so deal with it.
funny. what i thought would be a good weekend because most of the people that i miss most are home and i have a relatively light weekend, has turned out to be a nightmare from hell and this is just the beginning. when will i be good enough to just be human? the answer is never.
a slow, painful death is a thousand times worst then a quick abrubt death.
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
i REALLY should be cramming and doing some *ahem*nerd*ahem* stuff.. but things happen and i dun really care about my midterms anymore. so anyone says anything to me about them, oh dear YOU.. you're SO gonna get it. my brains fried. thats all i gotta say. neways, thanx to one of my gurlies.... you now have something really stupid and funny to read. its called "texas salesman". wonderful how much studying i can do.. cuz apparently im not gonna do any. ha.
p.s. 9 days!!!!!im soo excited!!!
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.and on THAT note... i think either fisix or my stinking chem is calling me... *sigh* whatever.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people aver age 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
p.s. 9 days!!!!!im soo excited!!!
Thursday, October 21, 2004
In the years to comethis is all i hafta say. i dont know what else to say. it hurts. and it will always hurt. dont make promises you cant keep. better yet. dont make promises at all because they will only be broken.. and that will break me again.
Will you think about these moments that we shared?
In the years to co-ome
Are you gonna think it over
And how we lived each day with no regret
Nothing lasts forever though you want it to
The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you
look to the future. you never know what the future brings. hopefully it will be better then the last day.
may the road rise to meet you,wishing you the best, always. love you.
may the wind be always be at your back,
may the sun shine warm upon your face,
may the rain fall soft upon your fields.
and until we meet again,
may God hold you,
in the palm of his hands.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
as im working on my bio submission, silas is talking to me. and first he says "change your msn name" and then he says "you need to update" and me being me, got suckered into both. why? cuz blogging is DEFINATLY more fun then making graphs and drawing charts and answering a spread sheet with specific instructions as in put the slope in cell H3 or something dumb like that. my prof is definatly a grampa for that.
this past weekend i was at retreat. what an eye opener. i lernt how much of a paperazzi brian can be, and how much of a terrorist, in the most angelic and innocent sense, silas can be. but all in all, i still love them... just maybe not rite this instant anyways. haha. many things were learnt. some of them i've learnt in previous years, i just needed reminding. other things i always knew, but i never had it in my face before. and some of these things will never leave me.
one of these things i learnt was how to be a friend. i spent some time in real proximity with people that im not usually so close with, or even have that much in common with. i'll admit it. honestly, its hard to be friends with some people, sometimes. but the more i look at myself and the more honest i am with myself, the more i see that with me, its not just SOME days its hard to be friends with me, but its usually the case. and yet my friends still love me and their still my friends. pretty darn amazing isnt it? on top of that all, who am i to question who i can and cannot love when God loves me?
one of the lessons i've been learning lately is that its not good enough to JUST love God. we are called to do more then that. we need to love God and because God loves us, we need to love those around us. it is only through the loving of others, will the love of God be seen, and through that, the world will see and know the love of the true God. kinda challenging eh? how can we ever do this? only through God. phillipians 4:13.
one thing roy said really stood out to me. and i got thinking. you know that whole you cant love without liking? in a way, with friends, you cant be friends until you accept them for who they are. and i never really thought about it like that. but its true. and funny how the last person i can accept is me. maybe its my lack of sleep talking, or maybe its my lack of caffiene. im not quite sure which it is yet. but when i DO know, i'll let you know. but regradless of that, its all true. how can you be friends with someone if all you ever do is judge them and tell them that their not good enough? and yes. the truth hurts. but when you tell them, do you do it in love and with acceptence? or is the finger pointed and its done out of spite, or in-acceptance? what i remind myself with? SINCE God accepts me and loves me for who i am, of all people, who am i to question his command to love Him and to love others, which Jesus says are the greatest commanments? causes you to think. doesnt it.
this past weekend i was at retreat. what an eye opener. i lernt how much of a paperazzi brian can be, and how much of a terrorist, in the most angelic and innocent sense, silas can be. but all in all, i still love them... just maybe not rite this instant anyways. haha. many things were learnt. some of them i've learnt in previous years, i just needed reminding. other things i always knew, but i never had it in my face before. and some of these things will never leave me.
one of these things i learnt was how to be a friend. i spent some time in real proximity with people that im not usually so close with, or even have that much in common with. i'll admit it. honestly, its hard to be friends with some people, sometimes. but the more i look at myself and the more honest i am with myself, the more i see that with me, its not just SOME days its hard to be friends with me, but its usually the case. and yet my friends still love me and their still my friends. pretty darn amazing isnt it? on top of that all, who am i to question who i can and cannot love when God loves me?
one of the lessons i've been learning lately is that its not good enough to JUST love God. we are called to do more then that. we need to love God and because God loves us, we need to love those around us. it is only through the loving of others, will the love of God be seen, and through that, the world will see and know the love of the true God. kinda challenging eh? how can we ever do this? only through God. phillipians 4:13.
one thing roy said really stood out to me. and i got thinking. you know that whole you cant love without liking? in a way, with friends, you cant be friends until you accept them for who they are. and i never really thought about it like that. but its true. and funny how the last person i can accept is me. maybe its my lack of sleep talking, or maybe its my lack of caffiene. im not quite sure which it is yet. but when i DO know, i'll let you know. but regradless of that, its all true. how can you be friends with someone if all you ever do is judge them and tell them that their not good enough? and yes. the truth hurts. but when you tell them, do you do it in love and with acceptence? or is the finger pointed and its done out of spite, or in-acceptance? what i remind myself with? SINCE God accepts me and loves me for who i am, of all people, who am i to question his command to love Him and to love others, which Jesus says are the greatest commanments? causes you to think. doesnt it.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
so what else is new?
1. im bogged down with stuff to do, as always
2. im missing one too many people. see what happens when everyone just walks out on me?
3. "im a big big girl, in a big big world ..." if you know what im talking about, yeah. *sigh*
you know what? one of my best gurlies sent me this. and thanx a WHOLE ton if you get to reading this gurl!!! it certainly cheered me RIGHT up. for those of you that dont know what im talking about, here. read.
1. im bogged down with stuff to do, as always
2. im missing one too many people. see what happens when everyone just walks out on me?
3. "im a big big girl, in a big big world ..." if you know what im talking about, yeah. *sigh*
you know what? one of my best gurlies sent me this. and thanx a WHOLE ton if you get to reading this gurl!!! it certainly cheered me RIGHT up. for those of you that dont know what im talking about, here. read.
A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
It is time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember to say, "I love you" to your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out the non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least eight different people...who cares?
-George Carlin
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
couple things... maybe more.. we ALL know how well i can count... cuz after all... i AM in math..... *angelic smile*
-who wants to kidnap sammi for me and bring her home??? i CANT wait.. haha.. soo excited! but then who wouldnt be, i mean my plum is comming home!!!!! yay!!!! haha..oks. enough of that. really.
-who wants to bake ben cookies??? honestly.. hes harassing me to DEATH about this!!! so someone bake him cookies.. please. or maybe i'll go buy him some.. hmm...
-who wants to give me a blood transfusion?? honestly! oks.. today? TWO pairs of pants... socks (the thicker sportish ones... yuck.) and TWO layers on.. and STILL.. im cold.. like i had shivers... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?
-i have the cutest brother in the world!!!!! oks.. maybe not cute... maybe tolertant... hahahaha...... i dunno who else lets me jump him??? haha... dun ask.. long story.. but the bottom line? i lub him. tons and tons and tons. but thats not to say i dun lub sammi either.. i lub her like nuts too!!! thats why i want someone to kidnap her and mail her to MEE yes? yes? yes? oks.. maybe kidnap isnt the word im looking for...
-there are some VERY patient ppl in my world. woa. soooo blessed!!!!! and if you dunno if you're one of those patient ppl that blesses my life, ask me. i shall let you know. chances are you're not. but im just kidding. i lub you anyways... just not as much as me lubbing sammi and alan and jesus... etc etc etc. hahahahha
-im struggling to keep organized and im being soo fustrated cuz of it.. SO.. if im like ripping hair out one day, its PROBABLY not you... but it could be.. o.0 haha.. but nono.. chances are its me going AHHHH!!!!! cuz i cant figure out what i need to do.. hahaha
-its my hunnys burfday on sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!! happy burfday hun!!!! me lubs you!!!!! even tho you're so far! grrr... oh wells... cocktails when you get home!!! =D
-who wants to do my readings for me??? OR my pre-tutorial stuff?? anyone? no one??? darn. guess i better get started...
p.s. TOLD YA i can count.... especially cuz im in math. ^.~ hahaha
-who wants to kidnap sammi for me and bring her home??? i CANT wait.. haha.. soo excited! but then who wouldnt be, i mean my plum is comming home!!!!! yay!!!! haha..oks. enough of that. really.
-who wants to bake ben cookies??? honestly.. hes harassing me to DEATH about this!!! so someone bake him cookies.. please. or maybe i'll go buy him some.. hmm...
-who wants to give me a blood transfusion?? honestly! oks.. today? TWO pairs of pants... socks (the thicker sportish ones... yuck.) and TWO layers on.. and STILL.. im cold.. like i had shivers... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?
-i have the cutest brother in the world!!!!! oks.. maybe not cute... maybe tolertant... hahahaha...... i dunno who else lets me jump him??? haha... dun ask.. long story.. but the bottom line? i lub him. tons and tons and tons. but thats not to say i dun lub sammi either.. i lub her like nuts too!!! thats why i want someone to kidnap her and mail her to MEE yes? yes? yes? oks.. maybe kidnap isnt the word im looking for...
-there are some VERY patient ppl in my world. woa. soooo blessed!!!!! and if you dunno if you're one of those patient ppl that blesses my life, ask me. i shall let you know. chances are you're not. but im just kidding. i lub you anyways... just not as much as me lubbing sammi and alan and jesus... etc etc etc. hahahahha
-im struggling to keep organized and im being soo fustrated cuz of it.. SO.. if im like ripping hair out one day, its PROBABLY not you... but it could be.. o.0 haha.. but nono.. chances are its me going AHHHH!!!!! cuz i cant figure out what i need to do.. hahaha
-its my hunnys burfday on sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!! happy burfday hun!!!! me lubs you!!!!! even tho you're so far! grrr... oh wells... cocktails when you get home!!! =D
-who wants to do my readings for me??? OR my pre-tutorial stuff?? anyone? no one??? darn. guess i better get started...
p.s. TOLD YA i can count.... especially cuz im in math. ^.~ hahaha
Saturday, September 25, 2004
butterflies are beautiful things.
why you ask?
they start out lives like an ugly worm, in a world where everything is out to get them, even tho for "worms" they DO have a nice coat... maybe even the fuzzy ones... anyways life starts out normal... and invisable, except to those that are looking for them..after a while.. they disapear..
why do they disappear? its because they are getting ready for the next stage in life. in a way its like us. for us to be ready for anything, we need to spend time to prepare for it.. usually its by ourselves.. sometimes its both by ourselves and as a group which is always nice because then you can be there and support each other. and maybe grow together.
After all the preperation, there needs to be a result. what is this result for a butterfly? the result after all its hard work is to just BE a beautiful butterfly and to enjoy the wonderful outcome of all their hard work. admire by all.
in a way thats what life is like for us too. only we dont become different physically.. (usually anyways) but its because we have more then that. we have thoughts. we have feelings. we have emotions. we have a soul. and with all these things that a complex human has as opposed to a simple butterly, how much more can we grow and support each other and to watch God work and make beautiful things out of lives that arent always so pretty and elegant. lets all work together and help each other in love, peace, trust and unity. and build each other up.
a church isnt the 4 walls of a building. its more then that. its the people in there that love God and love each other and love those around them that makes ALL the difference in the world. let us all try and restore love and peace and unity. and through this, may we achieve a happiness love that the world can see and want to know.... and maybe they will see God through us...
why you ask?
they start out lives like an ugly worm, in a world where everything is out to get them, even tho for "worms" they DO have a nice coat... maybe even the fuzzy ones... anyways life starts out normal... and invisable, except to those that are looking for them..after a while.. they disapear..
why do they disappear? its because they are getting ready for the next stage in life. in a way its like us. for us to be ready for anything, we need to spend time to prepare for it.. usually its by ourselves.. sometimes its both by ourselves and as a group which is always nice because then you can be there and support each other. and maybe grow together.
After all the preperation, there needs to be a result. what is this result for a butterfly? the result after all its hard work is to just BE a beautiful butterfly and to enjoy the wonderful outcome of all their hard work. admire by all.
in a way thats what life is like for us too. only we dont become different physically.. (usually anyways) but its because we have more then that. we have thoughts. we have feelings. we have emotions. we have a soul. and with all these things that a complex human has as opposed to a simple butterly, how much more can we grow and support each other and to watch God work and make beautiful things out of lives that arent always so pretty and elegant. lets all work together and help each other in love, peace, trust and unity. and build each other up.
a church isnt the 4 walls of a building. its more then that. its the people in there that love God and love each other and love those around them that makes ALL the difference in the world. let us all try and restore love and peace and unity. and through this, may we achieve a happiness love that the world can see and want to know.... and maybe they will see God through us...