do you miss me?
do you love me?
cuz i love you AND i miss you!!

SEVEN DAYS!

couple things... maybe more.. we ALL know how well i can count... cuz after all... i AM in math..... *angelic smile*

-who wants to kidnap sammi for me and bring her home??? i CANT wait.. haha.. soo excited! but then who wouldnt be, i mean my plum is comming home!!!!! yay!!!! haha..oks. enough of that. really.

-who wants to bake ben cookies??? honestly.. hes harassing me to DEATH about this!!! so someone bake him cookies.. please. or maybe i'll go buy him some.. hmm...

-who wants to give me a blood transfusion?? honestly! oks.. today? TWO pairs of pants... socks (the thicker sportish ones... yuck.) and TWO layers on.. and STILL.. im cold.. like i had shivers... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?

-i have the cutest brother in the world!!!!! oks.. maybe not cute... maybe tolertant... hahahaha...... i dunno who else lets me jump him??? haha... dun ask.. long story.. but the bottom line? i lub him. tons and tons and tons. but thats not to say i dun lub sammi either.. i lub her like nuts too!!! thats why i want someone to kidnap her and mail her to MEE yes? yes? yes? oks.. maybe kidnap isnt the word im looking for...

-there are some VERY patient ppl in my world. woa. soooo blessed!!!!! and if you dunno if you're one of those patient ppl that blesses my life, ask me. i shall let you know. chances are you're not. but im just kidding. i lub you anyways... just not as much as me lubbing sammi and alan and jesus... etc etc etc. hahahahha

-im struggling to keep organized and im being soo fustrated cuz of it.. SO.. if im like ripping hair out one day, its PROBABLY not you... but it could be.. o.0 haha.. but nono.. chances are its me going AHHHH!!!!! cuz i cant figure out what i need to do.. hahaha

-its my hunnys burfday on sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!! happy burfday hun!!!! me lubs you!!!!! even tho you're so far! grrr... oh wells... cocktails when you get home!!! =D

-who wants to do my readings for me??? OR my pre-tutorial stuff?? anyone? no one??? darn. guess i better get started...

p.s. TOLD YA i can count.... especially cuz im in math. ^.~ hahaha

butterflies are beautiful things.

why you ask?

they start out lives like an ugly worm, in a world where everything is out to get them, even tho for "worms" they DO have a nice coat... maybe even the fuzzy ones... anyways life starts out normal... and invisable, except to those that are looking for them..after a while.. they disapear..

why do they disappear? its because they are getting ready for the next stage in life. in a way its like us. for us to be ready for anything, we need to spend time to prepare for it.. usually its by ourselves.. sometimes its both by ourselves and as a group which is always nice because then you can be there and support each other. and maybe grow together.

After all the preperation, there needs to be a result. what is this result for a butterfly? the result after all its hard work is to just BE a beautiful butterfly and to enjoy the wonderful outcome of all their hard work. admire by all.

in a way thats what life is like for us too. only we dont become different physically.. (usually anyways) but its because we have more then that. we have thoughts. we have feelings. we have emotions. we have a soul. and with all these things that a complex human has as opposed to a simple butterly, how much more can we grow and support each other and to watch God work and make beautiful things out of lives that arent always so pretty and elegant. lets all work together and help each other in love, peace, trust and unity. and build each other up.

a church isnt the 4 walls of a building. its more then that. its the people in there that love God and love each other and love those around them that makes ALL the difference in the world. let us all try and restore love and peace and unity. and through this, may we achieve a happiness love that the world can see and want to know.... and maybe they will see God through us...

BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

somethings never change.

honestly....

...i am so weary...


... when can i put this down?

... when will it just be behind me?

... when will i breathe again?


*sigh*


BLAH.

oks. back to me and my "i need to clean my inbox out before hotmail stops my email from comming" (im going BLAH!!!!!!!!!! and GRRRRRRRRR!!!!! cuz im waiting for an email from my ta.. hahaha....so im not a patient one. meh). neways. my mom being my mom, sent this email out to our family mailing list. (yes. im aware of the fact that my family has a mailing list.. and if you've got ngan blood in you and you're not on it... SHAME ON YOU! talk to someone..... i dunno who yet..haha) but yeah.. and i read it a while ago.. but just now, when i re-read it, it was kinda like wow. i really need to refocus. its a sweet lil story about a lil boy and his father. here. enjoy.

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son,

"How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered:

"I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that
reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no
end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars
at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the
whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have
fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but
they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We
have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect
them."

The boy 's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

"Life i s too short and friends are too few."

just when i was worrying... funny how even God's smacking me over the head and telling me to not worry and yet i still worry. *sigh* what a worry wort.

OH how i CANT wait for thanksgiving!

so this week was my first full week of school... and my 2nd week away from my sister. what an interesting week. not only did my brain die, multiple times because bio is out to kill me... but ive realized who my sister truely is. if any of you have been talking to me lately, you'll know what i mean. if im not talking about school cuz i dun get something, or something like that, every other thing i say hasta deal with one of the most important people in my life. yeah shes always been important to me. and yes shes always been there for me.. but i finally realized how much i honestly really love her.

i know i told some ppl that i would try hard not to cry. but i honestly cant. sure i went 3 days without crying. but it was because i was submerged in so much work i didnt have time to just sit and cry. but ask anyone i've told a lil snipet of my sister to. i cant even think about her and not cry. pretty darn sad eh?

i guess to sum her up in a couple words? shes the mark of perfection. she always has been. she always will be. its that simple. time to dry my eyes and do something useful. 21.

omg... how i survied its amazing...

ive officially had my first FULL week of school.

in the last 3 days of school i have...

• handed in 2 assignments. one was an inclass... talk about stress!!!
• handed in an inclass lab
• wrote 3 quizes.

you know whats super wrong about this whole thing? ITS ONLY SEPTEMBER! *sigh* how im gonna survive THIS year? its beyond me. and i thought LAST year was hard??? o.O WHAT was i thinking? *sigh* oh wells. at LEASE i know i have God to help me....

THANK GOODNESS for gurls nite.. man... *sigh* THATS what i really needed.. haha.. thanx gurls.

i am balding ALREADY and i've only had school for 2 days.. like WHAT?! *sigh* im gonna die from a heart attack. im being burried alive in work. SO... i guess i must go do some. if i look dead or if i DO die, you'll know why. i'll be lucky if i have any hair at the end of this MONTH let alone at the end of this year... man. as much as i love bio, WHY am i in it??! its like impossible!!! *sigh* less complaining and more working i guess...

my smilie for the day comes from an email from the bestest. thanx ya gurlie. and now i will share this with you. and guys? dun be offended. its just to cheer gurls up when their down about guys and when they need to do a lil male bashing. ^.~

Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men....
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

to those who actually care about my msn name and are wondering? i have a lil piece of news.

*sigh*

this is kinda hard to talk about. not because of what it is about. in a sense, im used to that already. this i guess is a statement to how much i have failed. a statement to which i cannot do things on my own. a statement to which all those who have been with me and helped me in the last 3 years, i have failed. and apparently will continue to fail.

just when i thought i was on top of it all and i was able to handle things again, i just realized i've failed the world. not JUST the world.. but MY world.. my world of caring people who have struggled with me in hopes that i mite be better and i hopes that i would be healed. but you know what? im not. i screwed up again.

it started when i went on night shift i guess. no longer was i awake when my world was. no longer were mommy and daddy able to keep track of what i was eatting. the funny thing about this whole thing? they knew. or at least have an idea. this whole time. i never told them. im pretty sure people wouldnt have told them. but they know. and surprizingly, they've been quite supportive.. but this time around? they dont know.. just yet. tho im sure they suspect somethings up. cuz mommy keeps asking me if i wanna eat and daddy jumps at the slighest inclination of me being hungry. even if hes like snoozing on the couch or something.. he'll jump up and run around the house like we have guest comming over and try to pull a full meal together for me.

how did i FINALLY realize that i screwed up again? people tried to tell me. did i listen? no. i just told them they were crazy. but they WERE right. i just didnt know it. i went to go put on a shirt that used to fit PERFECTLY. well it did when i bought it. it now doesnt fit. its too big.. kinda like that pink halter i tried on at ub with di. but not as bad. then it hit me to check my other clothes..the stuff i bought in the last couple weeks. to see which ones fit and which ones were in a good size. ha. i almost died when i found out what size they were. for one. i didnt know they made clothes THAT small. for another. i didnt know whether to cry out of happiness cuz i lost all the weight i gained on res, or to die of shock cuz i lost THAT much weight. *sigh* gurls are problems. honestly. or maybe its just me and cuz im screwed in the head.

so now, as i try to fix me. (trust me. its hard. i had a peacan tart and a cup of milk for lunch and im full. i didnt even wanna stuff the rest of the pecan tart down.. cuz i was THAT full.. gross eh?) i just wanna ask you all a fav. just pray for me. unless you're mabs and in which case, you know what to do. even tho i'll hate you while you do it, i love you still.. deep down. .. just now while i cry and fuss cuz i dun feel like eatting anymore. dun worry. i'll try to gain it back. for when you come back in nov... or at least by christmas anyways..

and thats all i gotta say about how screwed up i am. thanx for reading. its long. i know. now im off to maybe put some more food in.

I NEED A VACATION!!! URGH!!

hahaha.. yeah.. i know.. school hasnt started yet.. but im stressed and on the verge of a burnt out.. ALREADY.

vacation? where? with who? ha. rite. a better question? WITH WHAT MONEY!?!??!?! omg.. ut is a thief. haha. it robbed me. everyones gone anyways.. well those that are going away...

honestly theres soo many ppl that are soo close to me that are gone or going. and i guess thats why im so stressed. its so hard to "be happy" when their leaving. esp for my princess. shes always been there. shes always happy when im home, but now? she wont be home anymore. and every time i think of her leaving, theres nothing more i wanna do then to climb into bed and cry. what a cry baby i am. honestly. its not like my princess is moving to the other side of the world. i was thinking, and you know what? i can go to my 9 am class AND my 5 pm class AND still have time to drive to see her and come back inbetween. oh now i love tues and thurs. the chances of me going tho? like next to none. cuz she has classes like MAD on tues and thurs. wonderful how we clash. in a way im glad to see her grow up so much. truely life isnt gonna be the same without her.

my hunny's gone too. im glad shes happy where she is. she deserves it. shes worked SO hard. theres nothing i would give in the world to take this from her... but i'd give it all for her to keep it. im proud of you hunny! stay strong! lub you much!

maybe its time i just stopped thinking and did some physical work. maybe then i'll stop thinking and stop tearing... maybe stop crying too while im at it. such a cry baby. sorry princess. i dont mean to cry. im just missing you already.