reasons why i should never sleep.

1. i dunno whats going on afterwards
2. i forget all that im supposed to do
3. i sleep for an eternity and never wake up.
4. all i wanna do is sleep some more
5. my eyes get all puffy (ask daddy. he said it. i dun get it)
6. i wake up and wonder where the world has gone
7. i end up doing too much thinking, cuz my brain has nothing to do
8. i get WAY too relaxed.
9. i forget all i was going to do
10. everything appears irrevelent.

I NEED A HUG!!!!

oks. now that THATS established....hehehe
its been a while since a real post.. haha.. lots of other things and random vents. talk about pms! jz! all things aside, what a crazy year its been. everything from being im pretty sure i'd never be able to talk to my twinnie like a real friend, never mind a twinnie, to being able to start the new year with her. its amazing.

oh! why i need a hug? if you know about eternal happiness...and you finished it... you'll know why. but if you dun understand it.. i COULD explain.. but yeah. its too long for here. i talk enough as is. but yeah..in a way.. it kinda reminded me of things... and if you need to know... YES eternal happiness has sap in it.. and yes it made me cry.. thats why i need a hug. hahaha. but seriously? watch it. its so cute and sweet.... and kinda along the lines of "a walk to remember" but its like 20 hrs long. (theres 32 episodes i think..) and yeah..but im done that now.. so i guess i can be a normal person again. hahaha

oks.. this is from cinderella's blog. cuz i dunno what else to say about 2004. and after this i shall be shopping. cuz i need to. hahaha anyone wanna dig me out from the snow? or get my car out from under the snow? please? o.0 <-- me looking at the car trying to figure out how to get it out. hahahaha

Reflections on 2004

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? had ppl over til 6 in the morning. hahahahaa
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? umm. i dunno what my resolution was... maybe i shouldnt make any this year.. cuz i wont remember it anyways...
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? umm...does lisa count?
4. Did anyone close to you die? lets not discuss that.. those things are horrible to remember...
5. What countries did you visit? the wonderful world of my room. oh dear me. i could get lost in here!
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? a clean room maybe?
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? sept. 5th. sammi left me. for her jail cell.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? i didnt fail out
9. What was your biggest failure? i failed some people which do not need to be named. they know who they are. and it wont matter. they dont read this anyways.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? does heartbreak count?
11. What was the best thing you bought? wendy's bible!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? uhhh.... someone explain. small words.. preferably in english...
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? jon and petes. last nite at timothys. oks. not depressed... just very very very appalled.
14. Where did most of your money go? school stinking tution!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? sammi comming home!
16. What song will always remind you of 2004? perfect. by simple plan
17. Compared to this time last year, you are:

i. happier or sadder? apparnetly happier..according to certain people..
ii. thinner or fatter? DEFINTALY fatter.
iii. richer or poorer? umm... i'd like to say richer.. but after christmas shopping.. it will be poorer.. (yeah...i know... im not done yet...)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? listening ....preferably other people and God and not me...and learning..
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? talking. and making faces at steph. hahaha
20. How will you be spending Christmas / Hanukah? at home. like a bump on a log.
21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2004? ask carmen. OH DEAR ME
22. Did you fall in love in 2004? yes. with frosti.
23. How many one-night stands? um. none. hahaha.
24. What was your favorite TV program? i dun watch tv...
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? nope. still hate the same people.. unless you wanna count that guy that followed me around in the book store...
26. What was the best book you read? anything by corrie ten boom
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? my brother on electric. well..acoustic i already knew.. but still. crazy!
28. What did you want and get? sammi comming home. and my brother growing up nicely.
29. What did you want and not get? "world peace" ask my daddy. oh dear me.
30. What was your favorite film of this year? does eternal happiness count?
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i went to toronto for dinner with my grammie. and stayed there. im old. you dun need to know how old.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? world peace. and abolishment of politics. omg. that makes my head hurt SO MUCH!
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? comfortable
34. What kept you sane? God. and a list of people
35. Which celebrity / public figure did you fancy the most this year? fancy as in they were cute? or what? i dun seem to recall one... hmm.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? see number 32. and my heads hurting again. BLAH!!!
37. Who did you miss? starts with m or j or s. you know who you are. hahaha
38. Who was the best new person you met? do i only gotta pick one???
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Gods love is amazing. and it NEVER fails.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year :

I'm only human, often assuming the worst
And I catch myself wondering why I'm last and never the first
I'm looking for answers to questions I don't even have
As if life were that simple defined

Like a time-bomb that's tickin' inside me
I'm waiting till the time I'm set free
This pain and confusion has jaded, invaded my life

I will not sink in the waters around me
I will not think that my circumstance drowns me
I will not trust in the world that surrounds me
I am kept strong by the one who sustains me

You insist I can't reach, you're convinced you can't teach me to fly
You say I can't win, and you tell me not even to try
You resist what I say when I tell you I'm not gonna fail
Don't you know that it hurts like a hammer that's driving a nail

Like a time-bomb that's tickin' inside me
I'm waiting till the time I'm set free
This pain and confusion has jaded, invaded my life

I will not sink in the waters around me
I will not think that my circumstance drowns me
I will not trust in the world that surrounds me
I am kept strong by the One who sustains me.

thats sustained, but justis kao. and i actually found what his thoughts were on that song.. here

The main verse that thing song comes from is Psalm 55:22 "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

This song came at a time in my life where I felt like I had reached an ultimate low. I was confused and starting to doubt myself in a lot of ways. The chorus just kind of sang itself out of me because is had Psalm 55:22 in my head. It has been a blessing to me time and time again because it is a song that the Lord has given me to remind myself that he is ever-present in my life and sovereign over all situations, good or bad, happy or sad. For that I am grateful — Justis Kao

so.... my hilarious jess... wrote an email.... in it, she said

PS girls yor responsible for your boyz keep me updated if they crap out on you and like vic's bf i will help you kiddnap them ;)

no further comments. hahahahahahahaha.. oh dear.

this is what happens when you're bored and you dunno what to do with yourself...

Instructions (for those who need it): Fill the survey out and send them to all your friends!

TEN random things about me:

10. i love my sister (who knew??) ...and on most days, my brother too...
9. apparently im abusive.. hmm.. i wouldnt know. ask jon. hahaha
8. im freezing.. like always.
7. im a sap...hahaha
6. i hate wearing dresses/skirts... oks.. not all skirts.. i like my jean skirt...
5. i was engaged. long story... ask my gurlies... some of them will know.. hahaha
4. the merlot at dinner was yummy.
3. i need to start christmas shopping still..hehe..ooops.
2. i love my gurlies
1. God-lover!!!

NINE ways to win my heart:
personally I don't go with 'ways' that need to be but everyone has their preferences
9. be a sweetie
8. being sensible, (i.e. dun laugh at me when im crying, etc, etc, etc.)
7. know when i need a hug, and when you just need to back off
6. be trust-able. (is that a word?)
5. be charitable
4. be kind
3. loyality
2. be my friend.
1. love God

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:

8. buy my parents a lake and build them a cottage
7. own my appartment at bayview and sheppard
6. get married...maybe have kids/adopt
5. work with developing nations
4. help heal the sick
3. have my parents be proud of me....for once hear my daddy tell me "good job" or "well done"
2. watch my sibs and their kids grow up
1. show the world love

SEVEN ways to annoy me:

7. make me go do stuff for other ppl when i dun feel good
6. cocky people telling me im not living to my potential. how do they know what my potential is!?
5. pretending to listen
4. pretending to care
3. oks... just being fake in general.
2. lying. defintaly will make me hate you.
1. broken promises. oks. they more then annoy me. but yeah. me no like.

SIX things I believe in:

6. friends
5. family
4. true happiness
3. true peace
2. love
1. God

FIVE things I'm afraid of:

5. bugs. defintaly bugs.
4. creepy men. trust me. ive had my share
3. alan
2. my dad but only when hes mad
1. stalkers. esp random guys that follow you around in book stores..*shudders*

FOUR of my fave items in my room:

4.beabea
3. Frosti
2. Nemo
1. duckduck

THREE things I do everyday

3. breathe
2. eat
1. talk

TWO things I want to do right now:

2. be somewhere warm...maybe even hot... say... cali?
1. ____________<--someone find me something fun to do...

ONE person I want to see right now:

1. Julie Mah!!!!!!!!

as i was tossing and turning yesterday (yeah.. i know. exam today. 1 hr sleep. woke up with blood in my mouth. spat more blood out. fun times. i know.) i did some thinking. and these are my conclusions

1. leave the past in the past.
2. live for the here and now, and maybe the future...
3. plan for the future and the present
4. stop trying to re-live the past
5. just because the past worked then, doesnt mean it works now
6. forget the past, unless is a good memory you wanna reminice, once in a while.

so yeah. tahts all i hafta say. its time i started to leave people and things of the past in the past, and deal with things in the here and now and people in the here and now.

as my piano is being tuned (yes sammi.. its FINALLY being tuned... RITE NOW as we speak... so come home soon! and JAM TIME!!! hehehe.. remember that camp? jam? oh jz. hahaha) neways, i was thinking about what has happened in the last couple days..a whirlwind of things really. for one, i finally saw what was happening to my frined...and its not pretty...i worry. i really do.. to just seeing how wonderfully God has his timing, to how wonderful my family of friends are....each one of them has a role in my life. and for the most part? its pointing me back to God or reminding me how wonderful and how loving God is...its not an easy thing to remember when you feel like you've been shattered and broken to pieces.

this morning. as im trying to eat breakfast with my family, i get a whole load of bs reasons on why i cant do somethings and how other people can. excuse me. dont tell me you dont play favourites. i know you do. and i know im not a favourite. stop telling me that we're all the same, cuz i know we're not. as im trying to read my cell bio book, i am constantly reminded of all these things that just keep haunting me. and idont know why they do. for one, that was AGES ago. so why wont it just go away?

time and time again, im reminded of the uglyness in me and the scars on me. how people around me can look past it, or even refuse to believe that they exist is beyond me. how they dont see how fragmented my life is, is amazing, because everytime i look at me, thats all i see. broken pieces of me, which i sometimes can hide away, so that no one sees. funny how i "have time" to do all this thinking when really. i should be studying for my exams.. sorry. cramming. oh wells i guess.. in Psalms 46, it says "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

NO GUYS....
1. i DO NOT fit into garbage pails.
2. i DO NOT fit into lockers.

im bigger then that. so stop trying. please. really. i have exams to study for. and i KNOW i dont fit. so stop trying. please and thank you.

"Need more friends with wings
All the angels I know
Put concrete in my veins
I’d always walk home alone
So I became lifeless
Just like my telephone

There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change

Never played truth or dare
I’d have to check my mirror
To see if I’m still here
My parents had no clue
That I ate all my lunches
Alone in the bathroom

There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
There’s nothing to lose
My notebook will explain
There’s nothing to gain
And I can’t fight the pain

Teach us that it’s just a phase
When I grow up my children
Will probably do the same
Kids just love to tease
I know it put me under ground
At seventeen

There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
There’s nothing to lose
My notebook will explain
There’s nothing to gain
And I can’t fight the pain
There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
But the days don’t seem to change
There’s nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There’s nothing to gain
And I just died today"

somehow..in some erie way...this song makes sense. and its truth.

funny thing about this?

...the mind reader either knew about it, had a feeling or it was just pure coincidence.

...some tears were lost. and they shall never be found...again.

so. i was talking to one of my gurls yesterday..and it was awsome. she just COMPLETELY knew what was going on, and i didnt hafta tell her much, and she just understood what was going. God-sent really. i was always amazed at how well we got along, when i see her at=t most like 3 times a week..and we dont spend THAT much time together. its hard to deal with the unknown. especially if all you're told is enough to just KNOW its bad..just nothing else to do with it. talk about repressed memories. i didnt always think that repressed memories were real..it just always amazed me. and yet, here i am...with repressed memories..and theres nothign i can do to recover them, except know that the person who told me is trustable and would never lie to me.

i was listening to one song by system of a down. its called chop suey. ive always liked it. but i never quite knew why. and know i know. because yesterday, after trying to do work and my stupid internet wasnt working, and being fustrated, i was listening to that song. things clicked. amazing. here. read the lyrics. you'll understand. cant wait for exams to be done. some ppl just need to be sat down and talked to.

Wake up
(wake up)
Grab a brush and put on a little make up
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
(hide the scars to fade away the shakeup)
Why’d you leave the keys up on the table
There you go create another fable
You wanted to
Grab a brush and put on a little makeup
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to
Why’d you leave the keys up on the table
I don’t think you trust in my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die (die)
Wake up
(wake up)
Grab a brush and put on a little make up
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
(hide the scars to fade away the shakeup)
Why’d you leave the keys up on the table
There you go create another fable
You wanted to
Grab a brush and put on a little makeup
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to
Why’d you leave the keys up on the table
I don’t think you trust in my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die
In my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die
Father father father father
Father into your hand I comend my spirit
Father into your hand why have you forsaken me in your eyes
Forsaken me in your thoughts
Forsaken me in your heart
Forsaken me ohh
Trust in my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die
In my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die

as i was saying to my gurl yesterday... THIS is what God hasta say. "you silly lil gurl. dun worry. daddy's here." that is to me. to her. to everyone. "daddy's here". like one of my gurls knows, she just told me to look up, just so randomly one day. and i never knew why. well now im looking up. and i KNOW in my head AND my heart, Daddy's here.