SO.....
today? i had the COOLEST... like THE coolest conversation with God today. and now its all hearts and stars and smiling like a goofball.. cuz im so excited still about that conversation. hahaha. and if you're special enough... maybe i'll tell you what happened... or maybe not. hahahahahaha. oks. time to gets. hahaha. oh jz.

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower,
But only so an hour.
THen leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief.
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can say.

Nothing Gold Can Stay ~ Robert Frost
let me know what you think. and i'll let you know what i think. and if you know whats running in my mind... all of it.... this makes sense.

so. been doing somethinking lately. i think ive figured somethings out. interesting really. like why i dun trust guys easily. why theres major resentment of most guys and why a lotta male bashing goes on.....especially on my bad days. sorry guys. thats just the way it is. thats how its always been, thats what it always will be. i guess. do i have a reason to change? not really. why change if its the way thats work for the last however many years? so guys? "suck it up buttercup" or thats just too bad for you. hahaha. oks maybe not so funny if you know the root.

ive been thinking a lot about life and death lately. what makes life, life? and what makes death, death? what makes these two so different and unique when really...their both the same thing? living is like dying. its just a different spin on perspective...its all in how you look at it rite? in a way death is really life, because only THEN do you escape the ugly-ness of this world. lots of thinking eh? theres more.

ive been thinking about friends. who my real friends are. who my friends were. what a friend really is. i used to have these neat lil workable definations which ppl agreed with or just understood, even if they didnt believe in it. and now? i laugh at those definations i had in my head. "a friend is someone whose there for you when you need them to be" ha! what a joke. my "friends" are "there" for me...WHEN they feel like it, when it fits conviently into their lil schedules, or when their just plain bored. life today is NEVER boring. theres just too many things calling your attention.. theres never a free time slot and you know what? life doesnt happen at the pace we set and how we schedule it..it just happens. so my "friends" interesting. i cant even tell you whose gonna be there for sure.

another thing thats on my mind? promises. really. stop with them. enough is enough. ha. even those ppl who are like "i dont break promises" break them. and you know what? one too many. even the ppl that i love the most eventually broke their promises. these are the ppl that i trusted the most. ha. notice the past tense? its almost like its just me and the world with God by myside. in reality thats all i really need.. but sometimes its nice to have ppl there to cry with you and to share your joy. but oh wells. so until i can get over everything? dont even promise me. just tell me you'll try and thats good enough for me. ha. just when i started to trust in promises again...the promises get broken. its a long long road ahead. i can tell you that now. and what fun it shall be for me. you know. i dont even know why i bother trying to learn to take people's promises anymore, when their just broken. when was the last time a promise was kept? beats me. i probably was like 10 and too small to understand what a promise was.

theres other things lingering in my mind still...and until i come to terms with it.. i will just hafta keep mulling over it in my head. i guess. those who know, know. those who dont, dont. whatever. i guess i just dun care about much anymore. i mean what IS there to care about? whats left for me to care about which hasnt been destroyed or scarred...or even just plain not broken? ha. let me know when you come up with something.

interesting day....just some things thats have been building up and i need to get out of my system..before i die from it. and dun tell me im not gonna die, cuz i AM dying. and just because you THINK you are a doctor doesnt mean that you are. this is so that the few of you that actually DO care about me will know whats going on. essentially i cant take this anymore. it feels like suffication and im dying a slow and tortourous death.

you know that feeling where ALL you wanna do is throw EVERYTHING agasint a wall and just break down and cry? oks..maybe not throw things.. but how you just want time to stop and sit there and break down to cry? welcome to my world. one too many things on me and im being smothered and crushed. so if you see me and you think im ignoring you.. im not. im just trying to deal with whats going on IN my life and the war that rages within. to struggle on? or do i just let everything slip and just die? its tempting i must tell you. all i wanna do is sit and cry but too many things are calling my attention.

why cant i do ANYTHING "right"? ha. funny. no matter what i do i'll never be good enough. its how it always was.. and how it always will be. no other way. no other choice. if it goes wrong? its my fault. apparently. ha. whatever. like i control the lives of other people.

why do people keep telling me its ok and that they'll be there for me when in the end they wont be? man. thats REALLY beyond me. because i KNOW in the end, it will all be blamed on me anyways. and you know whats funny? those people telling me that its ok and that they'll be there for me ARE the ppl blaming me and walking away from me and turning their backs on me. figures eh? i "just have bad luck" according to someone i know. ha! no kidding.

why am i always told to make my own decisions only to have those decisions made FOR me? apparently i dont have a brain and my decisions are only "decisions". apparently they know me better then i do, and they know what i enjoy and dislike more then i do and apparently what i know and what feel isnt good enough for me because those "decisioins" of mine always need to be reconsidered, until i come up with THEIR solution. HA. my hind foot.

is it ok for me to be slightly stressed? apparently not. apparently im not stressed enough and i need to be more stressed. let me TELL you ONE thing. any more stress and im going to die. im about to already. you know those breathing pains and heart pains that i get ESPECIALLY when im stressed? well let me tell you one thing. its happening at LEAST once a day now.. sometimes twice or even 3 times in a day. and you're telling me thats normal? HA. dun think so.

i cant be strong anymore. i give up. time to go and cry in my corner, where no one will know.

Whats the most painful feeling in the world?
finding out that your "friend" really isnt your friend.

why am i so stupid?

why does it keep happening to me?

..maybe all my friend are really just "friends"

some interesting things in my inbox lately... not to mention all those other things that bridges sends me.. jz. soo much stuff to keep track of! but thats besides the point. hahaha

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan wll not be venly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to
others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house,
one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

never thought life was so ordered.

SO... today at my friends place.. i find some things out.. cheery really...
for one? how my buddy actually has THREE boyfriends... and not the 2 that he told me a bout... 0.o any one wanna clarify that? rite brian? "huh?" thats from brian. JUST wonderful... does my buddy know about this? does brian know about this? apparently not... who wants to make this ALL make sense? el? "hmmmm...brian?" OK THEN. i guess not.. some one make my head stop hurting....WHY MUST IT ALWAYS HURT!?!? blah.

ANWAYS the rest of my day? im SOOOO Bumming around... and tonite? for fellowship? am i going? hmm... maybe... maybe not... im soo sleepy.. someone needs a nappy bibi time... and MAYBE its not me. haha...

so what have i learnt from God lately? Gods grace is magnificent. its hard. but im learning. slowly but surely. eventually...

Cheers!

it is through failures that we learn most about ourselves. correct? So WHAT have i learnt about myself lately?

-im horrible
-im abusive
-im a bad influence
-im a failure (hmm. i wonder what brought THAT one about.)
-im large (so the exact word that was used is fat but thats besides the point)
-im a cheater
-i exist for the purpose of being other peoples' entertainment.

and theres more. im just sparing you from having to read all of it. ha. finally. something nice that i did for someone else.

so on my way home tonite, i almost died. why i didnt is beyond me. i found myself asking God, "Why didnt you just let me die?" and all the while, a song was playing in the background. The lyrics went like this,

How great is our God, Sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

right after this song came another and that song is "Your Grace is Enough" which talks about how God's grace is enough for me, and thats all that i really need. do i really see that?

and now, ask i ask myself that, i mite as well tell who ever reads this thing. im sorry. im gone. dont look for me, because i wont be found. and its as simple as that.

so.. who ever said that they will be there for you and actually expect you to believe it is silly.
who ever said that promises are sacred OBVIOUSLY never had anyone promise them anything.
whoever told me that i can trust them? HA! my hind foot.

...do we wonder why i dont trust people easily? actually.. more like do we wonder WHY i dont trust guys? because all those 3 things are things were told to me by more then one guy. and you know what? they've always been broken. me? trust a guy? oh how they wished.

woa. days come and go. and these days? at neck breaking speed! not only do days come and go, but people come and go. i was thinking about days from a couple years ago..even from just a year ago. how much we have changed.. how much we have grown.. how much we have drifted.. and how much we've left those things we once held dear.

i once thought best friends were forever.. i guess not. somethings just happen.. somethings just change. who i woulda ran to a short year ago, isnt necessarily the same person i'd run to now, with those same issues. some people that i woudlnt be so open with last year, i now tell almost everything to. why the changes?

im not saying theres anything wrong with new friends and being tight with them.. i just miss how things used to be. a mere drive away... a mere phone call away... those people that would be there in a heartbeat, arent necessarily there anymore.

if all things good with friends end up with such pain and missing them...why bother to begin with?

to you who know what im talking about, yeah YOU darling. im sorry we drifted. im sorry all that stuff happened. lets start over and forget the past. loving and missing you always.

-sammi's home.
-hunny's home.
-hell week is done.

questions? comments? concerns?

i didnt think so.
welcome home guys!!!