so this is how it goes.
one is the favourite child, simply just perfect according to everyone. i will always be compared to her. i will never be good enough to even be called equal to her.
the other is the "alpha" male. why? hes the ONLY male. so he gets away with everything.
when will i be a person?
when will i matter?
the answer is obvious.
never.
good-bye.
no more posts here.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
some people should really watch what they say..
especially if what they said isnt even true.
its hard to explain.
you put your heart into something, and you work at it, and then the person/people that the thing is FOR goes and tells you that you're stupid or worthless or hates you for it, or even just plains tells you garbage about yourself... its not a positive experience.
why do i bother? if anything and everything i do regardless of result or attitude or motives for doing it, just gets people to tell me to forget it cuz im not worth it or im just mean?
excuse me, little miss priss. im sorry if i CANT have my life revolve around you 24/7. i tried doing that, but i wasnt getting my school work done. so now that ive taken a step back to focus on my schooling and my life, im now all of a sudden mean? well forget it. dont ever expect me to do anything for you. because even if you begged, i wont do it. since you think im sooo mean to you and to something you claim as your own, as if i had no part in it, maybe you'll understand where all this is comming from.
especially if what they said isnt even true.
its hard to explain.
you put your heart into something, and you work at it, and then the person/people that the thing is FOR goes and tells you that you're stupid or worthless or hates you for it, or even just plains tells you garbage about yourself... its not a positive experience.
why do i bother? if anything and everything i do regardless of result or attitude or motives for doing it, just gets people to tell me to forget it cuz im not worth it or im just mean?
excuse me, little miss priss. im sorry if i CANT have my life revolve around you 24/7. i tried doing that, but i wasnt getting my school work done. so now that ive taken a step back to focus on my schooling and my life, im now all of a sudden mean? well forget it. dont ever expect me to do anything for you. because even if you begged, i wont do it. since you think im sooo mean to you and to something you claim as your own, as if i had no part in it, maybe you'll understand where all this is comming from.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Thank you for the cross Lord
Thank you for the price You paid
Bearing all my sin and shame
In love You came
And gave amazing grace
Thank you for this love Lord
Thank you for the nail pierced hands
Washed me in Your cleansing flow
Now all I know
Your forgiveness and embrace
Worthy is the Lamb
Seated on the throne
Crown You now with many crown
You reign victorious
High and lifted up
Jesus Son of God
The Darling of Heaven crucified
Worthy is the Lamb
Worthy is the Lamb
Thank you for the price You paid
Bearing all my sin and shame
In love You came
And gave amazing grace
Thank you for this love Lord
Thank you for the nail pierced hands
Washed me in Your cleansing flow
Now all I know
Your forgiveness and embrace
Worthy is the Lamb
Seated on the throne
Crown You now with many crown
You reign victorious
High and lifted up
Jesus Son of God
The Darling of Heaven crucified
Worthy is the Lamb
Worthy is the Lamb
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Your soul is caring.
Other people are your concern, even if you
don't know them. If you see a person trip you
worry is he is okay. You put your loved ones
first and you're very mature. When someones
sick you're nurturing and always try to help
family and friends when failure strikes them.
You can be called the motherly one, if you are
in a group of people, which doesn't have to be
bad. Love is something that's already in you
and you have a lot to give whether you believe
it or not. Your friends probably love you very
much and come to when they need help since
you're reliable. People can feel secure with
you and generally like you.
How is your soul?(pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
hahaha. oh dear me. comments anyone? someone explain..
so what did i learn this weekend?
ive learnt to be a better fighter. i've learnt what it means to be on the same team. i've learnt to confront differences with team members. i've learnt to be more honest with myself..and with those who are important in my life.
i've come to understand myself and my heart more. and also, to express myself better.
i've also gotten to know and to understand the significance of my ring more.
...Thanks Daddy.
ive learnt to be a better fighter. i've learnt what it means to be on the same team. i've learnt to confront differences with team members. i've learnt to be more honest with myself..and with those who are important in my life.
i've come to understand myself and my heart more. and also, to express myself better.
i've also gotten to know and to understand the significance of my ring more.
...Thanks Daddy.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
betrayed.
3 times.
by the same person.
ALL in a mere 2 minutes.
how does it feel? oh. so. amazing. HA!
being betrayed is the wosrt feeling in the world.
having just dismissed it as something else, i feel like im living a lie, maybe im just a joke. whos to say im not? if a person can betray you, then you are. whats worst? THREE times in TWO minutes.
so why am i still up?
wouldnt you like to know.
my eyes are puffy from crying, my nose is running, and my heart is bleeding. almost quite litterally.
i TRIED sleeping.
i cried myself to sleep.
i woke up 2 hrs later, STILL crying.
is there a point to trying to sleep?
not. really.
why bother when you're really not sleeping and you're just crying while you're unconscious?
THATS how deep it cuts.
THATS how deep it hurts.
THATS how deep im bleeding.
if you cant be nice, and respectful, dont bother. i cant afford to waste time on you. theres more important things in my life comming up. and i cant afford anytime time to be wasted on you and to go through death of everything, but my physical body. because that is whats happening now. and i cant stop it.
call me whatever the hell you want to, but it doesnt matter to me. i wont be around to hear it.
3 times.
by the same person.
ALL in a mere 2 minutes.
how does it feel? oh. so. amazing. HA!
being betrayed is the wosrt feeling in the world.
having just dismissed it as something else, i feel like im living a lie, maybe im just a joke. whos to say im not? if a person can betray you, then you are. whats worst? THREE times in TWO minutes.
so why am i still up?
wouldnt you like to know.
my eyes are puffy from crying, my nose is running, and my heart is bleeding. almost quite litterally.
i TRIED sleeping.
i cried myself to sleep.
i woke up 2 hrs later, STILL crying.
is there a point to trying to sleep?
not. really.
why bother when you're really not sleeping and you're just crying while you're unconscious?
THATS how deep it cuts.
THATS how deep it hurts.
THATS how deep im bleeding.
if you cant be nice, and respectful, dont bother. i cant afford to waste time on you. theres more important things in my life comming up. and i cant afford anytime time to be wasted on you and to go through death of everything, but my physical body. because that is whats happening now. and i cant stop it.
call me whatever the hell you want to, but it doesnt matter to me. i wont be around to hear it.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
couple things have happend since ive last posted.
couple songs that are near and dear to me rite now..including:
-praise his holy name
-without you
-what else can i do
LOTS of things to praise God for..even in the last 24hrs.
its amazing how many lil love notes God sends you, and how many you miss.
when you start looking for them and seeing them, everything takes a diffent perspective!
it still amazes me that God would love me so much to put certain people into my life to challenge me and stretch me and help me grow in love in life and in truth. and also to teach me about myself and to love myself and the people around me more. thank you to those people. you mean the WORLD to me! ..well..maybe not mean the world to me..but pretty much. hahha. after God anyways. cuz HE means the world to me.
smile!
Jesus loves you!
^.~
couple songs that are near and dear to me rite now..including:
-praise his holy name
-without you
-what else can i do
LOTS of things to praise God for..even in the last 24hrs.
its amazing how many lil love notes God sends you, and how many you miss.
when you start looking for them and seeing them, everything takes a diffent perspective!
it still amazes me that God would love me so much to put certain people into my life to challenge me and stretch me and help me grow in love in life and in truth. and also to teach me about myself and to love myself and the people around me more. thank you to those people. you mean the WORLD to me! ..well..maybe not mean the world to me..but pretty much. hahha. after God anyways. cuz HE means the world to me.
smile!
Jesus loves you!
^.~
Saturday, July 02, 2005
so life.
ack.
so brain dead.
how do you spell my name?
what does an "n" look like?
dont. ask. me.
cuz i cant tell you.
ever get that feeling where you SHOULD be happy but you're not?
ever get that feeling where you should be calm but youre not?
ever get that feeling where everything in the world should be ok but everything feels wrong?
ever get that feeling where you know things but at the same time you know nothing?
thats me.
maybe i should go study some more.
or maybe eat dinner...
..but i dun feel like eatting, so maybe not. ha. maybe at the end of this week i'll be able to stop my count. i dont even know why i bother when "its not important" maybe its not important to other people. maybe its only important to me. or maybe im just lying to myself when it really IS important to me.
*sigh*
oh wells.
who cares anyways?
tell me you care? and i'd laugh at you.
we all know you dont. so its ok. dont lie.
if i dont care about it, what gives you a right to care about it, much less do anything about it?
oh im sorry. apparently my life is ran by you. oh too bad. whatever. tough. if i hafta deal with it and deal with you, you can deal with it. im sure you'll life.
ack.
so brain dead.
how do you spell my name?
what does an "n" look like?
dont. ask. me.
cuz i cant tell you.
ever get that feeling where you SHOULD be happy but you're not?
ever get that feeling where you should be calm but youre not?
ever get that feeling where everything in the world should be ok but everything feels wrong?
ever get that feeling where you know things but at the same time you know nothing?
thats me.
maybe i should go study some more.
or maybe eat dinner...
..but i dun feel like eatting, so maybe not. ha. maybe at the end of this week i'll be able to stop my count. i dont even know why i bother when "its not important" maybe its not important to other people. maybe its only important to me. or maybe im just lying to myself when it really IS important to me.
*sigh*
oh wells.
who cares anyways?
tell me you care? and i'd laugh at you.
we all know you dont. so its ok. dont lie.
if i dont care about it, what gives you a right to care about it, much less do anything about it?
oh im sorry. apparently my life is ran by you. oh too bad. whatever. tough. if i hafta deal with it and deal with you, you can deal with it. im sure you'll life.