Happy New Year everyone!!!!
as i sit in bed and think about the past year,
(yes lil boy. im sitting in bed. be jealous. but i already explained to you)
many many things have happened. many lessons learnt.
some of these things were good. some were not so good.
some were just HILARIOUS. like the one i had with some guy named anthony
... he's either really drunk or needs glasses or something....
thats all i got to say about him... rite mabs?

a lotta times i was in need.. more of it was in the last 4 months...many of you know why. from my incapabilities to expressing myself to my self-destruction.sure im getting back on track, sure i wanna thow up. at the end of the day, its worth it.sure i gained like NUTS esp this last 2 weeks that i've been home.. but is it helping?excuse my weird moments while i adjust to my new diets, the one now and the one on res.

i just wanna thank all of you who have been helping me get back on track.
from just listening, to making sure im ok, to asking me if i ate, to shoving food down my throat...
even tho i may have disliked you for the moment because of what you were doing for me,
i just wanna say that without you, i couldnt have made it this far. and it seems that every time i fall, i just fall harder.. so hard that it seems impossible to get back on track and its oh SO easy to just give up. but you dun let me and i just wanna thank you all for that.. and thanx for ALWAYS putting up with me.

as far as growing goes.. i dunno.. well in the physical sense, ask my dad. hes got lots to say about my weight. and my grammie probably will when i go see her tomolo. but its ok. whatever...and in the spiritual sense, so many things have happened. i just dunno even where to start! its amazing what God can do in JUST one year....and it is in times where i wanted to not be is where i learnt most. its like stretching. it hurts while you do it, but afterwards, it just feels SO good. and next time, when you go to stretch the same stretch again, it feels a whole lot better and its easier and sooner or later, its like nothing. amazing eh? funny i never saw it like that before and when God was helping me grow...

and as dumb as it is for me to make a new years resolution cuz i never remember them long enough to call it a resolution. im gonna try to live a life, worthy of the calling. as Pastor Paula says, "we need to be DOERS of God's Word, NOT just hearers". the verse that the english congregation was trying to memorize is ephesians 4:2 in NIV, it says "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." but then what does it mean to bear with one another in love? in the NLT version, it says "making allowance for each other's faults because of your love." THANK YOU NLT so that ppl like me can understand it. this is something i definatly need to work on for the new year. someone remind me when i forget. which WILL be often. trust me. i forget things ALL the time. so remind me.

so many ppl have come and gone from my life. and if you're one of those and you just happen to stumble upon this page, thank you for making a difference in my life. and if you're still in my life. thank you for being you anyways. hahhaa... neways. theres 10 mins til the new year and my rents are rushing around like mad, and they want me to come downstairs to them. so this is me signing off for 2003. happy new year all. cheers.

oks. i need to start fresh.
who wants to run away with me and start over sot that im not a loner?
no one? thats what i thought...
i'll be around.
dun ask when or where or anything.
cuz i cant tell you.

omg... today.. my dad, at lunch, he was like "im gonna make you a fat pig"
at the grocery store, he was like "she got fatter since she came home" to my mom
*sigh*... to fight this and not feel bad for gaining weight.. what fun...
and to not feel sick would be good.... oh wells.. whatever...
then in toronto my grammies gonna stuff me with food.. my uncle david will too.
crazy crazy times... its all about the food apparently... "food is love" apparently.
*sigh*... oh wells.. ihave the next 4 months to loose it. i'll do it. seemlessly.
then im gonna move home and just gain like nuts for the next 4 months.
wonderful life eh?

its a 1100. im up, showered, dressed AND i ate breakfast..
whats wrong with this?
im never showered til the evening,
im never dressed unless im going out.
i dont usually eat breakfast.. why feel sick when i dun hafta?
AND im up before 11, that doesnt seem to happen when im home anymore
CRAZY.. its gonna be a wild day.

why do i feel so alone?
why do i feel like im missing something?
whats wrong with me? whats going on?
its like im depressed or something
i keep eatting and sleeping...
thats ALL that i do.... hmm.....
whats there that could be eatting me?
why am i in like depression mode...
*sigh* im just screwed in the head i suppose.
and why do i feel sick? i thought i kicked it..
i guess im just impatient... and incompentent apparently.
oh wells. whatever. im gonna kick it. cuz i promised to
no worries. its all good.

mcmac praise nite!!! it was sooo awsome...
silly jeffery.. you're in BIG trouble... its STILL stuck in my head!!!!!
urgh! hhahaha... oh wells...
and WHEN will my mother stop worrying about me1?
JZ! i can drive fine! URGH! *sigh* whatever.
i give up. IMPOSSIBLE to deal with her...
apparently im still ike 3 and i cant do anything. wonderful.
oh wells... too bad for me..
who reads this junk anyways..haha

to be able to eat is a blessing.
to be able to feel good eatting is a gift.
to be able to enjoy a meal for its worth, is more then i can say.
guys, im on my way to kicking this thing!!!!!!!!!
*crosses fingers*
lets hope i didnt speak too soon.....

i was talking to Jon last nite.
He asked me why does it hurt to care? to do the right thing?
I told him because it hurts to care.
Why else would Jesus come for us?
I was talking to Aaron later last nite
He told me I should listen to myself.
I told him, i always do.
Guess what? it's not always true.
If it was, then i wouldnt be asking "why care?"
why would i care when it hurts to care?
because it hurts more to not care.
to just watch those around you fall appart and not able to do anything is the worst.

Merry Christmas!!!!

its Christmas day. guess what i've done to date?
- had Christmas service
- watched a fob movie..with cecillia Cheung
- ate lunch
- had cheese cake
- had half of a tea
- threw up
- ripped up a friendship.

wonderful day for me eh?
want your friendship broken? just come to me.
im such an EXCELLENT friend..watch me destroy
your friendships... come near me if you dare..
as for the rest of the world? im just gonna fade.
slowly fade away, that way, the God given gift
of friendship will not be destroyed by me.....

Merry Christmas Everyone....
God loves you. unlike me, all i ever do is bring
hurt and hate. sure i love you guys... but they
definatly dun match my actions. if there is love,
friends would stay friends. not become enemies.
have a good one. see you in heaven. if i make it there.

-------
p.s. the children's musical yesterday nite? AWSOME.
good job you guys! thanx for never failing to make me
smile and laugh when i need it. and for always reminding
me why we were here and why we exist.

woa! CRAZY day today..
my dad comes home, with this HUGE prime rib!
omg!!!! AND it was like $87.56!!!!! CRAZY!
how are we gonna eat it!? it BEARLY fits in the fridge!
SURE we're having ppl over.. but HELLLOOOO?!?!?!?!
their not gonna finish it. i know that. *sigh*
silly daddy.. he basically brought home a cow!.. oh wells..
OH! and i went shopping with my mommy.
the weirdest thing? i got TWO pairs of pants that FIT!
count them! ONE, TWO! woa!!!!!!!... and you all think im nuts
the thing is... when my mom and i go shopping, we never
end up buying anything... cuz we never agree on anything...
AND when we go buy pants, cuz i always need some,
we NEVER ever get some that fit.. but these ones?
CRAZY! didnt even hafta try them on! they were magic!
oks.. sammi wants to watch some movie now.. ttfn

omg.....christmas dinner with my friends????
SOOOO FULL!!!!!!... praise God tho. its good to be full
its also good to see them and to have so much fun with them..
yeah... AND i got to drive.. so yay!!!. hahah.. the joy of my life..
AND i gotta see wendy... like WOA.. havent seen her in AGES..
so it was cool.... crazy tho... not much to do in this place.....
thats all i gotta say.. and its not so cool....wish i was in T.O.
i miss it. and the ppl there.. not the mean strangers..
but the ppl important to me.. but here, there are nice strangers.
funny how you wonder why certain ppl are in your life...
then you go and ask God.... THATS where things happen...
then you wonder how you lived without them to begin with.
thats the lil thing i learnt today...
somedays we think we can live without those that we questioned...
in reality, GOD knows what hes doing. we really cant live without them.

WOA!!!!! SOOO FULLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
betty's bday dinner? AWSOME!!!!
why am i soo tired?? what wrong with me??
urgh! you'd think i'd be awake cuz i had soo much tea today.
but no... im not.. im like falling asleep.. and have been since like 3.
crazy me. whats wrong???? and ihave SOO much work to do..*sigh*
and my twinnies are gonna kill me.. but my charms fell off our bracelet.
*sob* i think im gonna die.... unless someone finds them... and FAST...
oh wells.. im such a dumb bum...

*sigh* soo tired....
HAD a nice good feeling...
oh wells.. doesnt matter..
good cantata tho...
good job everyone!!!!!!
praise God.
wildest and coolest things
occur when you have faith.
its all good.

SOOO.... justis kao concert? AWSOME!!!!!!!
christmas shopping? half done my immediate family...
eatting? umm.......sure?? i try.....
gratefulness?? AMAZING.. why? cuz God IS good!
and if you dunno why he is, you mite wanna find out,
before its TOO late!!!!!!! and yeah.. if you need proof?
ask around. ask me. he IS good. ^-~
now im off to find a hair dryer that wont wake sammi
up so that I can go to sleep....
oh yeah.. chance of getting the car tomolo?
- next to NONE.. urgh.
and dumb story of the day? i almost walked into one of those
anti-shoplifting thingers...yeah.. dun ask.... it was EARLY!!!!!
and for those of you that know wahts raging in me? URGH!!!!
and change of plans.. ask me.. before i forget to tell ya what it is...
ahahahhahaa.. im such a looser!!!!!

2 words: JUSTIS KAO!!!!!!!
hahhahahaa... thats all i gotta say about tomolo..
today was a cool day. wanna know? too bad...
no details for you.. muahaha... naw.. its only cuz im a LAZY bum
and tired .. and wanting to go to bed... but mm... finding nemo.
must see that again.. who wants to watch it with me??? hahahah
twinnies? mine? mine? mine? mine? hahahahahaah....... *sigh*
fun fun times with my twinnies. luv ya both!!!

crazy day. somethings JUST dont change.
sammi's NEVER gonna have her work done til the night of
Im always gonna hafta help her finish something
moms ALWAYS gonna nag me to go to bed
some things not gonna wanna be done, and im gonna hafta do it
my brothers gonna expect me to fix things
my dads gonna expect my life to be perfect
and in the midst of all this, i must be conent. woo-hoo.
but guess what? its not always gonna be like this...
times WILL change. and when they do, be prepared....

so home. home sweet home?
i dunno... but i must say... it makes me work
and tomolo i must put up the tree... *sigh*
who wants to do it FOR me?.. hahahah...
somedays you want it all to go away.
this is was one of those days..
what i want i willl never have.
what i have now will not satisify me..
typical human. *sigh*.

to sum up the last 24 hrs?
a very wise man of many words said to me this past week
" I can do EVERYTHING through him who gives me strength" this was
of course quoted from Philipeans 4:13. oh how those words speak.
how loud and clear and true they ring. funny how God gives us lil brothers
and sisters who look out for us more then we look out for them...
those were the words i needed most during my time of need.
thanx for ALWAYS knowing i need a hug and for just being there for me
luv ya always!!!! ya "big" sis... haha.. all like 5000lbs of me..hahaha...

*sigh* a loooonnnngggg day... and i didnt even hafta stand and sing!!!!
must. cram. gonna. die. tomolo. urgh. exam. *sigh* darn chem exam....
all in all, God is good. he gave me the most wonderful people in this world
to be my friends, to point me back to him, to encourage me when the road
is rough, to help me up when i am down, and to help me remember my hope.
thanx guys!!!!!! you're the best!!!!!!

p.s. my dumb story of the day? you know that tv in front of the santuary????
yeah.. guess what shortie almost walked into????? yeah.. woulda been a
VERY fun day... lucky me eh? but thats cuz shortie isnt used to her new height.
hahaha.... a whole 3 inches of it.. hahahaha... oks. must cram now..
.....and watch me die tomolo... hahaha...

p.p.s. heres a lil something written by one of my friends... one of my bestest
ever... and a true sister.... funny how God talks TO you THROUGH those you
love..... ever think about THAT one? hmm... hehehe



Take a look

Take a look around you...
What is it that you see?
Do you see the one
Who sees you as the most precious thing in the world?
Or do you see nothing but just a friend?
He has called to you many time,
But his words were never able to reach you.
He held you through the night,
When you were heartbroken or scared,
But still you never took him more then just a friend.

Take a look around you...
Are the people infront of you your real friends?
Or are they just putting on a false face?
The ones that were true to you,
cried out to you, but you never listened to them once.
Instead you obeyed the ones who have meant to do you wrong,
You walk alway from those who love you,
And into the arms of those who wants to harm you.
You have turn away from those who loves you,
Just to suffer from lies and pain from the ones that you have turn too,

What is real?
What is fake?
What is it that you believe or see?
For you don't seem to believe the ones who love you,
And only seem to see the ones who hurt you.
It is the truth?
Or is it a lie?
For once take a look around you to find the truth,
and not fumble into a lie.
Do you see the things that you should teasure?
But you are just too blind to see,
Something just so precious even when it's right infront of you...

Mable Cheung

" Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgement,
including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil"

amazing what you can learn at 3 in the morning....

and sammi? i dun have that cd either. YOU have it.
check the house!!!! hehe.. jks.. luv ya sammi! hehehe
be back to terrorize you soon enough... muahahah... ^-~

ahhhh.....*sigh* a day of rest..
what a wonderful day... S
UCH a lazy day too...
where are they when you need them most?
oh wells. i managed. i survived.
and i will keep going til i beat this...
or die trying....

when things decide to go wrong, they all do.
when things decide to to fall, it all comes appart.
when things just arent right, nothing else seems right.
why? i wouldnt know. i wish i knew. i wish i knew what to look for.

so life goes on. day in and day out
what i thought came true
funny. it happened.should i be happy?
happy that im right about ripping out my heart?
no. instead, i need to be gone.
at least for now. at least away from all this
i cant take this anymore. no more of this from me.
Merry Christmas
to whoever has time to read this boring garbage.
im thinking to just be gone, and to not go.
why just watch it die away?
happy that its better now for some.
its a good thing. better that they're happy then i am.
i give up. i cant win. its impossible....

so i THOUGHT i kicked it, and its gone now....whoops.....
so i lied to me, and in the proccess lied to everyone else..
sorry... i didnt mean to.. maybe i cant... i cant win.......
maybe im just fighting a loosing battle...
a battle i shouldnt have started....cuz i cant win....
what to do? ........to let distruction over take me?
........or to hold the fort until i die or crushed on every side?
what am i to do? i cant win.. yet i cant afford to lose either.
*sigh*... i cant do this on my own.... silly me.....
..... but i have no choice now... i must.....
i must fight a good fight.... no giving up.. i've gone too far....

funny. the notion of exams and what an exam is just hit me
wonderful. my next one is wed... oh crap. thats all i hafta say.
must. do. work. must. not. procrastinate. going. to. die.
*sigh* but other then that, my problems getting fixed!!!
DEFINATLY no worrying.. im almost as good to go as before..
just gotta work on the timing.. hahah..

"Sing to the King who is coming to reign
Glory to Jesus the Lamb that was slain
Life and salvation, His empire shall bring
Joy to the nations when Jesus is King

Come let us sing a song
A song declaring that we belong to Jesus
He’s all we need
Lift up a heart of praise
Sing now with voices raised to Jesus
Sing to the King

For His returning we watch and we pray
We will be ready the dawn of that day
We’ll join in singing with all the redeemed
Satan is vanquished and Jesus is King!"


p.s.... the funniest/stupidest thing of today? timothy (the lil one...from sunbeam) was trying to make me fall, and so i leaned back to pretend to crush him between the wall and me, and i fell off my chair.... why? the walls a LOT further then i remembered... good thing timothy moved... hehe... oks.. yeah. thats my dumb blonde story of the day.

one foot in front of the other.
not looking to the right or left.
never turning around or look back.
its a hart path, but i WILL make it.
i promised i would. so i shall.
no worries.
one day shall be better then the last.

"friends are angels who help us to our feet when our wings have forgotten how to fly" ~ unknown.
how amazingly true this quote is. what a blessing it is to have friends.
friends are TRUELY a gift from God so that we can be reminded of how much he loves us,
when our wings have truely forgotten how to fly.

thanx ya!.. even for just listening to me babble. no worries. i will lick this thing and whip it into shape.
and if i dont, dun worry. im not gonna give up.. its just a small delay. i will fight til the end.
^-~

so comes a day of rest. or so i thought.
why are they moving stupid exams around?!
*sigh* i now have more work then i plan on
doing this weekend. thanx a lot for nothing.
*sigh*. silly registar's office ppl. oh wells...
and a cool passage i found in the Bible:

"My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."
~ psalm 62:1+2

just when you thought you were done...
another thing hits you...
when will this end??
as laura would say
"[crap] hits the fan, rite in your face"

hmm.... God's grace... what a wonderful thing.
haha.. procrastinated like all day.. well.. i did work...
not much.. haha... but its so flipping hard!!!!
and friday? hmm.... we'll see..im tempted to go
with the negative option.. but then... yeah....
i dunno what to do anymore. what to do?
how to say it? how to just let it drop?
*sigh*... and now off to wait for my don to come
and do a flipping house check so that i can eat.
*sigh*... the joys of living in the new res, where
EVERYTHING is breaking and falling appart already...
*sigh*... i think i need to be out...

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path....
Accept, O Lord, the willing praise of my mouth, and teach me your laws.
Though i consistantly take my life in my hands. I will not forget your law."

where do i go from here?
to turn left or to turn right?
better yet, to go straight.
funny how just when you're on
the go again that temptations
come and bug you.
to turn right or left?
not if i have a choice.