day thirteen.

funny. that used to be my favourite number.
i dont know if its my favourite anymore.

funny. theres not a lot of things that i know anymore
things that i thought were certain.
like people i could trust
people that i love
people that love me
people that trust me

funny how these things can just be taken from you.
funny how the sun shines like nothing has changed
funny how the moon still comes out at its appointed time
yet nothing inside of you feels the same
nothing feels like it could ever be the same.

lots of people have told me things about knowledge
it empowers you
it frees you
it enslaved me to the past.

its nice to know...
once upon a time...
you loved me and i loved you..and we were friends.
now......im not so sure anymore.

i dunno if i even know who you are anymore
i dunno if i know what makes you smile
what makes you laugh?
what makes you cry?
what brings a smile to your face?

once upon a time, i knew these things.
now i havent the slighest clue.

funny how things changed.

those "forever friends" things and phrases...
... they dun last. their only a gimick.

"forever friends" ha!
it makes me laugh now.
none of what we said came true.

i wish you happiness, health and good fortune for your future.

dun worry.
i'll be around.
somewhere.
if not...
we'll meet in heaven.
for sure.

day twelve

Pieces ~ Sum 41

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

On my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

at least someone else sees eye to eye with me.

day nine. the last day.

if you wanna know where ive gone? too bad
if you wanna know if i died? too bad.
if you bother caring? i dont care.

honestly.
when will ppl stop lying to me?
do you know how much it hurts to be lied to?
do you care how much i hurt when you lie to me?

you. you were supposed to be my friend.
you. you were supposed to be my best friend.
how could you lie to me?

i trusted you. i entrusted everything to you.
and yet you go and do this to me?

this isnt the frist time.
and it probably will be the last time.

how can friends lie to me, if i dun have any?

one person lies. fine. i can deal with it.
two people lie. fine. i mite be able to deal with it.
theres been too many people and too many lies.

time to start it all over, with no friends, no joy, no happiness....nothing.

time to die and find a better place.. a new place.
look for me.
you wont beable to find me.

time to start over, and maybe i will stop hurting.
maybe i'll be lucky this time.
maybe i'll learn to protect myself and my heart better.
maybe i'll learn to just not trust anymore.
maybe i'll be strong
maybe i'll be able to stand on my own

for all time.

day eight.
very very bad.
why must i cry?
why must i care?
why do i hurt?
why do i love?
how can i smile?
how can i laugh?
when will it stop?
when will i heal?
who can stop this fighting?
who can bear the pain?
what will it take?
what will it for us to turn back to Him?
where there is peace, there is joy
where there is God, there is love

day three of a new life.
so far so good.
no crying... yet.
*crosses fingers*

whats new?
some ppl need to learn to shut up
some ppl need to stop being stupid
some ppl need to use their eyes
and some ppl need to sit and chill out a bit.

i need to stop missing some ppl so much.
what does missing them do?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

would they care that i miss them?
would they care that i miss their voice?
would they care that i miss our talks?
prob not.

and so life moves on.

something someone once sent me.

a heart is a fragile thing.
that's why we protect them so vigorously,
give them away so rarely,
and why it means so much more then we do.
some hearts are more fragile then others;
Purer, somehow.
like crystal in a world of glass,
even the way they shatter
is beautiful

day two of a new life.
funny how leaving things behind isnt always as hard as you thought it was. or maybe i've just out grown these people. so no matter what they hafta say to me, it wont make a difference to me. funny how you used to value certain people, and it was hard to drift appart. but now that we are seperated, it feels perfectly fine. so maybe i dont miss them as much as i thought i would. maybe one day, God will bring us back together again and then we can see how we've grown and how having them in our lives wouldnt have made a difference to how we turned out to be anyhow.

its funny. why does it hurt so much more when they say things about you, instead of saying it to your face? so ive been left behind from their lives. and their in the process of being left behind in mine. so we have these superficial meetings and events where we think the world is flat and everything is as it should be. but is it really?

would you miss me if i was gone? would you care if i just never talked to you again? would wonder where i went if you never saw me again? funny how you say that i matter when the answer to all those questions is a big fat no.

some of you dun have time anymore. you know what? im swamped with stuff to do as well. but i thought that our friendships were worth saving and setting aside time for. i guess you didnt.

some of you think that what you think is going on in my life is more accurate then me telling you. congratulations. why would i try to show you what my life is really like?

some of you thik that friendships are maintained through information filtered through the grapevine. uh. no. not true. you always need to get informatioin from the source. not from whoever you wanna get information from because you cant be bothered to deal with things or help your friends through their problems or to share in their joyous moments.

some of you think the ocasional "how are you?" is good enough. it is...if all you ever wanna know is that your friend is still breathing and their heart is still pumping. too bad for you, their not dead yet.

i try. i honestly do. if you know about mg, then you know what im talking about. well you know what? its working. im walking away. and im never looking back.

day one of a new life.
so far so good.
nothing horrible yet.
i just realized how many stupid comments some people can come up with.
they want you to think a certain image about themself.
i believed in that image of them.
funny.
now i dont.
i see more then what they want you to believe.
oh dear me.
somethings are just better not knowing.
sometimes, somethings just catch you off guard by THAT much.
do you think that they will know that im avoiding them, if i keep this up?
do you think any of them will miss me?
do you think i'll miss them?
do you think that im strong enough to do this?
so many questions.
no answers.
wait.
wait and see.

some people think they know me.



they think they know who i am.

.....do they really

do they really know what i think?
what i feel?
what my opinions are?
what i fear?
what i love?



it amazes me how some people think that just because theyve known you for a while that they know whats going on in your head, in your life, and in your heart.




NEWS FLASH. not true.


do you know why i feel shattered?
do you know how i almost lost my mommy?
do you know how i almost died? or how many times i almost died?
do you know how i feel when you snap at me?
do you know what i care about the most?
do you know what my aspirations are?
do you know what makes me truely happy?
do you know what makes me feel better no matter what?
do you know who you are to me?



please. dont define me in your terms.
just because you think im happy, doesnt mean i am.
just because i seem to always be doing something, doesnt mean i know what im doing
just because you choose to assume all things are well, doesnt mean all things are.

you know. i believed. i advocated. i urged others. and yet, here i am. the past holds me. it holds me accountable. its like that song.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel"

kinda sad when you relate to songs that well. its like they were written for you. i try. i honestly try. and i tried. i tried hard. but what difference does it make? none. none of it makes any difference, no matter what i do. so why try? beyond me. honestly. heres a thought.

I've done evrything as you say, I followed your rules without question, I thought it would help me see things clearly, but instead of helping me to see, i look around and it's like I'm blinded. I'm spinning out of control...out of control. I'm spinning out of control...out of control.

Where should I go? What should I do? I dont understand what you want from me. 'cause I dont know if I should trust you or all of the things you've said to me. and I may never know the answer to this endless mystery. Where should I go? What should I do? I dont understand what you want from me.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control, try to focus but everything's twisted. and all along I thought you would be here to let me know I'm not alone but in fact that's exactly what I was. I'm spinning out of control...out of control. I'm spinning out of control...out of control.

All alone and spinning out of control. Out of control...

you can tell me what you think. what you feel. what you think that I should think, or what i should do. but let me tell you know, and consider yourself warned. whatever you hafta say to me? i wont be listening. all those times i listened to you, all those times i thought you wanted what was best for me. never again. i was supid once. but you cant be stupid forever. i now know.

Sadness has overwhelmed me
But my thoughts carelessly
Imagine that you’re happy
With your life right now
I guess that’s just the way life goes
Forever’s gone so now I must
Place you with all the things
That I could never have

its the hardest thing i'll ever have to do
to look you in the eye and tell you that i dont love you
its the hardest thing i'll ever have to lie
to show you no emotion when you start to cry

some of you have asked whats wrong. heres my list. hopefully, it'll all look better in the morning.... cross my fingers.

-im heartbroken. dun ask why. it may not be what you're thinking. so dun jump to conclusions so soon.
-im weary. i cant bear much more of this.
-im stressed...and...worried. theres soo much going with too many loose ends and potential for error... some of them fatal.
-i have a class conflict..and theres nothing that can be done about it...so screwed.
-apparently its ok for people twice my age to just bully me and to harass me. and im just supposed to sit there and take it. o.0 news to me. not happening. i dun think so. bite me.
-im comming down with something. im getting sick.. and its stupid. cuz its like why? whats wrong with me? im slowly fading...
-some people need to stop nagging. honestly.
-issues are building up...some of them not so good. some habits are back, some arent, some people are back, some arent...you know the drill...

and thats my list. wonderful. and now that you all know whats wrong maybe i can just forget it all and just move on. tomorrow will be a better day.