so.. bio midterm today. guess who failed. yeah. sux.
so.. talking to hun. discovered some stuff.. kinda freaky..
so.. had a dream yesterday.. not one, but 3... and i havent been dreaming lately..

its been a freaky and shaky last lil while... *sigh*
tomolo? SHOPPING!!! hahaha... dress shopping too.. ^.~ you know why im happy about THIS dress shopping?? its not for me!!!! hehe... you know me... me? dress? if you see it, you'll be like "uhh.. i'll PAY you to NOT wear that.." trust me.. not soo cool. if you want to be blind forever... then look... otherwise....you know... haha... and if you dun believe me.... wait.. thats not an option.. cuz you believe me. rite? rite.hahaha... such a dictatorship!!! whoops.. .hahahaha.. oh wells.. to bad.. live with it.. haha..

theres this one quote that i used alot when i first moved. it says
"friends are angels that lift us up, to our feet, when our wings have forgotten how to fly"
and it is so true. sometimes we loose sight of the important things in life. our dreams are nothing but just mear dreams that remain to be fantasy, our hope is crushed, our world is smashed, and all that is important is gone. but then whats so amazing is that God sends us friends who bring us light so that we may find our paths again. *sigh* what an eventful day. some good some bad.. but at least i could breathe today... which is usually a good thing... hahaha... oh wells. its all good. "the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." job 1.21. an excellent book if you're not having such a fun time. or in my case? watch your world shatter into pieces soo small that you cant even find the shards. but its ok. cuz you know what i've lernt? i dun need to find the shards. what i have left is sufficient... because what i have is something that can never be taken away from me. so it is ALL good.. hehehe...

Hey world.
i had a very shakey night last nite.one thing lead to another,
and as it went on... the news just got worst and worst..
how i lived through last night? i dont know.

i was so scared, i couldnt breathe. it was freaky.
it was like someone had took my lungs and froze it
each breath was a mission in itself.
it was like someone had clutched my heart,
and wished it to stop beating.
as the night wore on, it only got worst.

with each blow, i was sinking deeper and deeper.
i heard the taunting cries of the one with no power.
somehow I trembled when i felt his preasence
a voice spoke to me. "I will never leave you"
this i believed and i held onto with all my heart.

with tears, i ran to the Father. away from the evil.
whom have i but You? he sent me dear.
my dear further reassured me.
he also sent me my twinnie.
with tears my nemo, and lots of promises of prayers,
i went to bed. yet i couldnt fall asleep.
so with arms of love, grace and truth around me,
i fell asleep... and i had the most amazing sleep for a while now.

the lesson from this?
--> the evil one is strong and powerful... and he is real.
--> the Father is more strong and more powerful..
--> the Father loves you VERY VERY much
--> the Father has said "I will NEVER abandon you"

one of my friends was talking to me.. and this came up.

me: so i dunno why im scared..
my friend: cuz it is scary!! it's like warlkin on a suspension bridge... u know ur not
gonna fall down, but shtillz ur still there and stuff it's scary!!!!
me: true..but im not scared on suspension bridges...i just dun look down...
and usually my daddy's with me
my friend: aiya u know wut I mean!!
me: and so my daddy just hold my hand and talks to me so i m not scared
my friend: hehe... yeah and ok fine then...
me: oh. i see.. here its the same thing. Hold on to my Daddy's hand & not let go
my friend: it's like u looking over, and God is holding your hand, ur not used to
not actually seeing God, so um, yeah u know u'll be ok but its still scary
me: and focus on him. i get it.

you see? though i am afraid, it will not control me.
should i be watching the passion anyone? im thinking not.
maybe im scareder in not seeing it then i will be in seeing it.

"we only part to meet again"
that was what hit me today. well.. that and how to advert temptation... funny. i thought i was strong enough to resist. i thought i could beat this.. but i guess not... but its ok. "we only part to meet again" must remember to keep that in mind. and i figured out why theres all this hurt. its because it hurts to love. and so when will these tears stop? when the hurt stops. and you know what? it wont stop. sure i wont be crying on the outside, but i will be on the inside... can you hear the cries of these children around the world? can you hear the cries of God's children? can you hear the cries in your own neighbourhood? it hurts to hear their cries and to not be able to make their crying stop...

*sigh*.. what a long weekend..
if never ceasing questions is your thing... you'd love my weekend.
if self-invitees are your thing... you'd love my weekend.
if missing almost everyone that ment something to you is your thing... feel free to take my weekend.
if being dictated as to what to do, tho they are wrong and you know better is your cup of tea... then have fun.

*sigh*... so tempted... hun? if you read this... dun EVEN suggest it.. cuz im gonna jump at the thought of it...im like | |<-- close to telling you, you can do it... wait.. nm.. im more like ||<--that close to doing it myself... omg...its not even funny... *sigh* soo fustrated... its like what part of 'back off' did you miss?!??! *sigh*

someone tell me when this hurting will stop. someone tell me when the crying will stop...

hmm..... i think my brain went for a walk and got lost in the snow... *sigh*
stay home tonite cuz of the silly rain? dun think so baby!
*sigh* .. now if i could only find my brain....
___________________________________________________________

oh boy... fun times gurls... but WAY too much food... hahahha.....and di?
your salad is STILL sitting in my fridge...hahahha.....do you want it still??? ",
*sigh* the talks with di.. oh man.. i miss them soo much... so much has
happened... yet she knows about nothing.... *sigh*.... see? it IS coming
true...oh how i wish i was wrong... but im not... not this time.... *sniff sniff*
oh wells... one day.. haha... your kids are gonna come over after school...
they'll be the most spoiled kids on earth... well.. one of them... muahaha...
sorry tho... haha.. thanx to me... with freshly baked cookies like EVERYDAY..
it'll be fun.. hahaha...*sigh*... and that weird dream... *sigh* the heck with
that.... cant be true.. cant come true!!!! *sigh*

OMG!!!! fustration to the max!!!!!!
FIRST im stressed about my stupid psych lab...
THEN i realize that my bio midterm is next friday...
THEN my blog's template goes and poofs on me!!!
URGH.... *breathe in* *breathe out* URGH!!!!
oh.. not to mention that my mommy wont let me come home....*sigh*
craptactular... thats for sure..
i cant handle this anymore.. URGH!!!!
ok i think im done ranting now.....
BIG props to alan for staying up late like LATE ... wait... early morning... to fix my stupid blog...
thanx bro!
and whoevers the idiot screwing with my blog? SCREW YOU. honestly. do you not have something better to do!?
*sigh* oh wells.. coffee tonite... then going home.... IF my mom decides that i CAN come home... but it wont matter.. it'll be too late.. they'll have left already... is there even a point to me going home??

being at home is certainly different.
my angel sent me this story yesterday.. it speaks to the inner self. here. read it...

The Room is Dim
The room is dim, and all you can see is your lit computer screen. You know its bad for your eyes, but you are too tired to turn them on. You just want to sit on that chair forever and forget reality. It's the holiday season, but you feel like it is the end of the world. You feel as if everyone has left you, as if everyone has moved on and forgotten. Sounds from the computer start to emerge. Your Messenger has logged you on, finally, and messages begin to pop up. You don't feel like talking to any of them, for they are never there when you need them. Why do they deserve your time? But, as a human, you begin to chat with them all, putting on that mask, to make sure that nobody sees the real you. The basic hellos and how are you doings are exchanged, but you lie on your part. You tell them that everything is good, but truly, you are dying inside. Friends invite you to the movies, and others invite you to some parties, but you don't want to go, you don't want to see them at all. As you type your words of lie, your mom hears you crying. She enters the darkened room and turns on the light. She screams frantically and asks if you are ok. But you don't want to talk to her; you want to deal with it on your own. So you just lie, once again, and make up an excuse just to get her out of your room. But your mom is smart, she knows that something is wrong, but she also understands that you need your space. So she gives you a hug, turns off the light, leaves and shuts the door. You turn around, and see that messages of friends asking if you are still there surface. You reply, saying you were busy and had something to do. You sit on that chair of yours, crying and weeping, until the day is over. It is late into the night and you have already missed dinner. But your mom brings you up your dinner, and as you eat slowly, you watch as all your friends disappear, not expecting a thing. Nobody knows your hurt, nobody understands you. One by one, they disappear into the night, leaving you once again. You are about to leave, and huddle into your bed, but someone logs on. Someone that you actually want to talk to. A conversation is stuck, and the masks breaking, very slowly. He can sense something; he can sense something is wrong. He asks if you are ok, and if you would like to talk about anything. You reply with an uncertain no, and he has found his proof. He knows, and you know that the walls have come down. Sobs and weeps become a flood of tears. As you jam your fingers on your keyboard, you express every hurt that is eating your soul, for you know he will understand. The tears blind your sight, you cannot see what you are writing, but your fingers do not take a moment to stop. He reads in silence, as the words become a window into your soul. You finally cease, the tears begin to hush, and the room is silent, as you wait for a response. A reply is sent, and your tears begin to flood again, but instead of sorrow, they are tears of joy. The words that he spoke, filled your soul with his love, and you feel as if everything is all right. The words that he spoke were, "I love you. Never forget that. When all have abandoned, I will be right behind you, giving you the strength to keep on going." A smile surfaces from your red face, you begin to sense that everything will be all right. You thank him for all he's done, and you tell him you need your rest, and you head off to bed. As you turn off your computer, you remember those 3 words, I love you, and your smile grows larger. As you tuck yourself into bed, you fall asleep quickly. In your dreams, you dream that you are with him. He wraps his arms around you and tells you everything will be all right. He tells you to let it all out, and you cry, you cry until there are no more tears. You look up, and he is still there, holding you tight, making sure nothing happens to you. You fall asleep in his arms; you wish that this dream could be reality. But you realize you will see him tomorrow, everything is ok now.

you know what? my angel wrote this. so yay for my angel!!! hehe... luv ya angel! hehe... *hugs*

a weird day indeed. started off kinda funny... ended horridly. happy valentines day to whoever reads this..

sometimes, regret is just too late... its past the warning signs even.... here. let me explain.. we watched this thing in class one day.. it's called "to have and to hold" funny. didnt think that the warnings in that would EVER apply to me. guess who thought wrong? yeah. regret is just too late. so for those of you who are lucky enough to not be in regret. open your eyes, and take a look around. stop and smell the roses, and see where the subtle signs are pointing...be aware of whats going on around you and whose around you....

twinnies? omg. i dont believe this....
everyone else? be on your toes. the best person to trust is yourself.

can anyone say READING WEEK?????
......i can.

oks funnies for today? steph grabbed a candy heart and it said "be mine" and then i grabbed one.. it said "u r mine" and thats about the best thing thats happened today.. haha.. minus pasta dinner.. that was good.. stupid jon.. made me roll over my ankle... GRRR!!!!!

the praise God thing?? (well thats hitting me rite now..) how i ACTUALLY understand my lab due today.. how i got it done!(like an hr before it was due) and the pasta dinner went well... minus scrubbing of pots...

the upper? how it's mission accomplished. OH! and my balloon-o-gram.... but theres other things that go with that.. haha

the horrid thing? feeling like you're majorly overweight and then being told you were too fat for your own good repeatedly... lets just say thats not so cool... cuz that can do things to you.. things that you may regret.. in my case??? things i've fought for too long to give up now... im not gonna give up.. its been too long.. it must go.. either it goes or i do, and im not going without a fight. so guys? if you read this, its not you.. its not why im not talking.. its cuz i cant.. cuz if i do, im gonna breakdown and really wanna run to do the unthinkable.. so if i offended you.. sorry..