so... as summer finishes.. (quite sad really..) i've learnt a couple things. some the hard way, and some i wish i didnt hafta learn about at ALL.

• nite shift sucks. it screws with your bio clock SO much... trust me on that. i dont function... at all. *sigh*
• some people will never really change... dirty old men will ALWAYS be dirty old men. cheaters will always cheat. jerks will always be jerks. its a fact of life i guess....
• God is good. how silly of me to forget that some days.
• Those who are there when you make difficult decisions and love you and support you are those who are truely your friends. sad how it took me this many years to learn that. thanx gurls. better late then never.

these are just some of the lessons i've learnt.. but whats more important is what ive learnt about myself, i guess.. most people already know themselves pretty well... as for me? i have no clue. i dont know who i am, or where i came from.. for all i know, i COULD be mongolian.. hahaha.. rite sarah? haha..... but seriously? this summer i've learnt a lot. someone once asked me, what am i scared of. so what AM i scared of? the answer i told that person was that i was scared of a lotta things, but i never did mention WHAT they were. thinking back, i dont think i even knew then. spiders? bugs? yeah sure. i hate them.. but when it comes down to it, i CAN suck it up and get rid of it... ocassionally.. or the bug can stay in ITS side of the room, and i'll stay on mine kinda thing. thunderstorms? sometimes yes, sometimes no. who knows? its actually quite peaceful when you look at it through a window next to the lake, its got a nice cosy kinda feel to it. truthfully many ppl have told me who they thought that i am. but its only when i know for myself in my head AND in my heart and not just in my head that it makes any sense and it gives me an identity.

tonite, i went somewhere, where i wouldnt usually be caught dead in. dont ask why. so many ppl have. i have my own reasons. sometimes ppl change. what you loved once upon a time isnt what you're always gonna love. trust me on that one. but i digress. i went to fellowship tonite. a place i havent gone in months. something i didnt exactly plan on doing. so why did i go? i went because i felt like God wanted to say something to me. and tell me something he did. kinda shocking at once, and all at the same time, it all made sense. kinda crazy for me to have not seen it comming like that. i've been blind for too long.. or else i've been living in denial. what i've discovered is that i've built walls up around me. not just around me physically, but around all thats essentially me. in essence, what i've done is shut myself in some lil box, unintentionally. why's that? its got something to do with fear i suppose. remember the camp/retreat thinger where we talked about hiv? and how we were to be infected? and how the majority of us tried doing that but one by one, some of us started giving up? for those of you that werent there, hiv is an acronym for honesty, integrity, vulnerability. the first two, i have no problems with. its the last one that brings issues.

you see. once upon a time, i tried that. i tried being vulnerable, at first to all my close friends, and it grew eventually.. to my friends and slowly to my acquantences. but one of my "friend"s that i trusted very much, unintentionally hurt me. and this pain, hasnt been dealt with.. instead, its been burried and hidden. so that it would never be exposed. never be known. even to my conscious self or my gurls who knew everything about me. as times passed, this harboured wound grew.. bigger and bigger until it affected all of me altho i didnt intend for that. so i ended up building a lil glass house for which all my emotions lived. and to protect the lil glass house, i've built walls after walls.. "sheltering" me from those in my life and especially those that i love, so that never again would anyone be able to do that to me.

so as i realized all of this tonite, it kinda shocked me. i never woulda suspect that this was going on in my life. the theme for to nite was celebration. a kinda thanksgiving kinda cop. where we just sit there and think about ALL that Gods done for us.. ok not all.. cuz thats just too much stuff.. but like enough stuff to be like *jaw drop* it was kinda crazy for me tho.. cuz tonite was a night of realization..and a night of asking God to take those barriers away, as hard as i've tried to build them, and to take away the lil glass house that my emotions live in, so that once again, i can feel. funny how a lil trip to the library does so much to you. i havent been there in ages either. its just a lil reminder of all the things i used to love doing. maybe now i can find out who i used to be and just be the me, unhindered from things past.

ciao.

question.

since when does "i have a bf" = "im intrested, please look at my ass"???

answer anyone? esp you guys... ANSWER!!!!!! and no andrew. your "answer" isnt gonna work. none of this "im gonna have a 'talk'" with them business. URGH

in the past day and a half, i have...

• worked for 24.4 hrs
• drove for 4 hrs
• sat in a car, being driven by someone else for 1 hr
• napped for 1 hr
• went to church for 3.5 hrs (approx)
• slept for 3 hrs.

so in conclusion... i am going to bed. no disturbances please and thanx. exceptions to the rule? the VIPs.... you know who you are. rite al? nitenite

woa.. one of the best scj weekends ever! honestly. so much fun. none of this silly "im going golfing and fishing, what are you doing? being a bum again??" from jason. *sigh* crazy guy.. i swear.. maybe its so good cuz its my last week there.. too bad its a long week.. i rather it be a short week.. but oh wells.. meh. whatever. last week IS last week, and it'll be a long one no matter what.. esp if we gotta do change over.. then im really gonna smack john and mic who will FOR SURE put wax on me again... *Sigh*

neways, some things happened, and i was talking to a friend about it.. and my friend did a psychoanalysis.. well thats what im gonna call it.. apparently its too logical for my buddy to BE a science, and too scientific for me.. funny im the one going into science. anways my friend told me "accept things as they happen, go with da flow" *sigh* hard man.. hard.. it sounds easy, but it really isnt.. esp when you dun even know what the root of the problem is.. it takes just one bad egg to spoil the batch. how true it is. *sigh* man. im getting old.. look at all the sighs i've done!!! omg!!!! granny is right. fat old granny. rite guys? ^.~ *sigh*

*sigh* soo many things have been happening... all at whirlwind speed.. honestly... or maybe it just seems that way to me cuz i can never sleep... like wheni work, im fine.. i get my sleep.. on my days off?? last time? 4 hrs sleep a nite.. IF that.. and yesterday? 3 and a half. like wth? *sigh* neways.. so i was listening to some old tunes... like stuff from AGES ago that probably no one remembers unless their a sap or a teenybopper or ex-teenybopper like me... man.. but yeah... theres a line in this one song that goes "where is the good in goodbye?" and honestly? all week, oks like the last two weeks, i've been like man.. thats so true.. where IS the good in goodbye?? but yesterday it made sense. it just depends on where you are and where you've crossed to. for some of us.. thats not so good.. but then we had it comming, rite andrew? for others, its for the better in the long long run... rite gurlie? *sigh* thats all my sleepy mind hasta say... p.s. who wants to go to work either FOR me or WITH me... certain ppl need to be smacked.. i swear. dumb as a doorknob. honestly.

things to do... oks.. and things to report.. hahaha.. this ones for you my dearest stalker ^.~ well.. the reporting stuff anyways.. hahaha

• cleaned clothes... well.. almost all done..
• need parking pass... anyone got $500 they wanna give me?? and no jordan.. i dun have enough in my "vic needs gas" fund to pay for that. -.-"
• need to clean my room.... *sigh* stinking boxes....
• need to shop
• good game alan!!! good run!!! wheres my home run ah dai dai???
• so far so good... hahaha... someones either a really really lucky bum, or someone upstairs loves them... a lot..and i mean a LOT.. haha.. but im thinking lucky bum
• "pmssing" according to alan.. what does HE know??? only that he feels a need to bug me 24/7 cuz apparnetly im leaving and never comming home again... yet.. PROBLEM. im living at home next year.. SO.. yeah.. o.0
• gurls??? when are we gonna do our gurls nite??
• missing my hun.. when are you comming back!?
• *please insert thought* haha cuz i think i forgot something..

man.. im really getting old.. sleep is like hating me.. i cant sleep any more... and its not waking up ever 4 hrs.. its ever 2 now. *sigh* wonderful life.. does anyone wonder why i look stoned half the time?? not me. definatly not me. and no. its not the drugs. i swear.

I've hesitated so many times
And I won't let you slip away from me, no
Iknow you're for me
And me for you
But I don't know what to say or todo
So now that we're together I'm telling you

on loan. hahah. stinking libraries!! by the way. any one know where i can find a copy of "Angels & Demons" AND/or "the DaVinci Code" by dan brown??? please and thanx!!! ^-^

*sigh* why am i addicted? i gotta stop and focus. every time i try, i fail. whats the point in trying to be un-addicted? *sigh* its like a bad habit that i cant break. on top of that, im not sure that i even want it broken...-.-" i need a coffee.

TGIF thats ALL i gotta say.. honestly... i swear.

my wonderful week?
1. stinking dirty old man... grrr
2. stinking traffic
3. silly car needs a trip to the beauty parlor.
4. the crew is going down. honestly. one at a time. watch. first paul.. mic is next. grr. the queen is not happy. not happy at all..

but the good thing? God reminded me of something. look up "you are my rock" by capstones and "trading my sorrows" ask sammi how we put those two songs together and yep. thats how i got through it. and while you're at it look up "let it rain" by micheal w. smith. and malachi 3:10. then you shall understand all.. and if not.. you can find me. haha.

p.s. why do i ALWAYS smell like work!? *sigh*

omg.. i need a hug... bad.. *sigh*
first.. i was blogging about why i needed a hug to begin with.. and i had SOO much typed out.. and then... my internet decides to mess up.. like CRAZY and so its now all gone.. and now i gotta retype whatever i can remember of it. *sigh*

oks.. what i was saying was about the song "Without You" you see, yeah.. its got a line in it that goes "Without you, i could not be strong, i could not hold on, without you" thats the part that hits me most. why? because its about being strong, through like everything, and thats what i've been taught my whole life.

you see. i was taught to be in control of me, to control my surroundings OR adapt myself to it, so that i could see each step. so to begin with, this whole "let go and let God" thing doesnt sit too well with me.. it not that i have a problem with it, i just have a problem with doing it.. i tend to not be able to let go as easily as some people can. and thats the thing with faith, you depend on God, and being taught to depend on myself, and NOT others, its kinda hard to do. anways, i digressed.

oks. so whats going on and why is this being brought up? WELL. oks. at work? theres 11 people on my team. 2 of them work upstairs in processing and im pretty sure i've never seen them before.. cuz they dont come to our team meetings.. theres too much to do up there for that. thats 9 people on my team. subtract me. so thats 8 people on my team that i "know" because on of them is a truck driver, and gets off his truck long enough to only joke with his buddy, whose an operator on my team. 7 people left to be accounted for. 6 of them are operators.. 1 other person is a kelly lady. so theres 2 gurls on my line, including me and like technically 9 guys. but really 7 guys.

last nite? oh the WORST. honestly. one thing i can say? dont work contenential shifts unless you GOTTA.. and i mean GOTTA. on top of that? dont do nites, and on top of THAT?? dont work on an essentially all guys line. like they even pulled the baler off the other line to work on my line yesterday. and the baler is a guy. *sigh* anyways. what happens? of COURSE they leave the kelly lady alone. but me? no. what are the chances? and dont even THINK of answering that one. honestly.. its like borderline harassment. *sigh* like common.. even the truck driver was bugging me, and he doesnt know me. chances ARE he doesnt even know my name!! and urgh. all i gotta say about that is man + paper cup + water + fan = NO GOOD. and his buddy? just plain NO GOOD. like yeah.. he can be nice. but still.. him + sustainers? DEFINATLY no good. him + scraper = no good.. like he made a football out of saran wrap. like hello?! what part of work did he miss???? and like this other operator?? omg.. you work in the press room. i see you maybe for like 20 minuets in a 12 hr shift. and you're picking on me like mad??? and you're mocking me like you've known me forever?! uhhh rite. so you think. no. and i've come to the conclustion that male kellys? oh dear me. honestly. sure theres a couple sane ones.. but like BUDDY. oh gross. honestly... all i gotta say is 3 more weeks, and i hope i NEVER see him again. like JZ. ask sammi about fat choy low. like ewww. *shudder*

*sigh* thats a WAY longer rant then i woulda thought i could come up with.. maybe im just tired... maybe i m just really really fed up with them.. all i gotta say is 96 more hrs.. and THAT IT. boo yeah. no more of this "daddy" business.. *sigh*

the song of my life rite now? its written by Brian & Joyce Doerksen. its called "Without You" for those of you that know that song, let me tell you something about the first time i heard it, some things were happening, and God was teaching me more about His love for us on that day, but i didnt know thats what God was TRYING to teach me at the time.. you see, im a difficult child... rather stubborn so lessons are repeated endlessly, until this silly lil gurl FINALLY gets it. amazing how God never gave up on me. it honestly is a wonder. anyways, i was worried about not being good enough, as His child, as His friend, like in all aspects, just not good enough to even call the King of all the Heavens, my friend, much less a brother, or a savior, or a father even, but then somethings were said to me earlier that day that just kinda put it all in perspective. no matter who i was OR who i will become, God ALWAYS loves me. He always has, and He always will. and i realized at that very moment in time, who was the one thats always been there, and who i've always went running back to. that person? is God. anways, here are the lyrics to it, and if you wanna know how it goes, find me. i'll either squeak it out for you, or i'll try not to harm the song so much and play it for you..its a pretty song, and a song which i cannot emphasize, how much Hes all of who i am, on my good days.. haha.. we all know what im like on my bad days.. no need to lie and hide that rite? ^.~ enjoy.

Without You ~by Brian & Joyce Doerksen Without you I would have no hope
I'd be all alone without you
Without you I could not be strong
I could not go on without you
Without you

Who would I be if you didn't love me
Who would I be without you
Who would I be if you didn't save me
Who would I be without you

Without you life would make no sense
Dreams would always end without you
Without you spring would not appear
Storms would never clear without you
Without you

when does the yelling stop?
when does the hurting stop?
why does one turn against the other?
as the saying goes, its flesh on the back of my hand, its flesh on my palm.
*sigh*
when do the tears stop?
when does the heart stop breaking?
how much longer until we have His peace and love?

omg!!! i offically have the sweetest daddy in the WORLD.

i get home yesterday after 12 hrs of whatever it is that i do, and guess who opens the door? yeah. my dad. had a day off. got up EARLY. got dressed. opened the door for us. AND then hangs around to talk to us, and make sure we're fed and that we're all fine and dandy. like woa! whose daddy does THAT?! MINE DOES!!!! haha.. but oh wells.. and today? daddy is actually sleeping.. for once in his life... i think this whole contential nites is killing him more then me.. oh wells.. at least hes catching up on sleep.. *sigh* he worries too much. and i wonder why im a worry wort? *sigh* stupid question.

wanna know whats weird? apparently the teenie-bopper days are back... so run for the hills.. ALL of you... cuz i got a bsb and a selina song stuck in my head... well selina isnt so teenie-bopperish.. but bsb is... man. i need more of a life then this whole sleep and work life... its amazing if i even know what day of the week this is... *sigh*