does anyone ever get the feeling that their living in a dream?

some days, i wake up, not wanting to wake up. but its not because i didnt sleep well... but cuz i wake up, and i feel like im living in a dream. you know that saying "if its too good to be true, then it probably is"? well let me tell ya, thats what im scared of. i mean, what if this is all some lie that i've tricked myself into believing and the truth couldnt be further from this? somedays, i wake up thinking that this is all just a dream and that the truth is some where far far beyond... let me tell you, those days are hard.

i look at myself sometimes, and i wonder. what do my friends see in me? why do they still love me? i look at myself and question the sanity of some people. why do they wanna spend time with me??? im nothing but a human wreck. and eventually, their lives will be destroyed in some way or another by me. look at my life. what have i done for others? nothing at best. harm them at worst. ask anyone. they can tell you what i've done to them, or for them. done nothing to them, probably messed up their life in some fundamental way. wonderful friend i am. *sigh* honestly. i wonder whats going on in my head some days. i mean why am i harming those that i supposedly love?

someone ask me. am i good enough? i'd say no. he deserves better. what does he see? good question. i'll tell ya when i know and when i've stopped questioning his sanity for his decisions. such a sweetie. *sigh* too good to be true... lets hope i never wake up from this dream..

maybe this is just my crazy self talking cuz its so early in the day and my body's bio clock is being shifted like mad... maybe.

woa woa woa. its only wed, and i m done for the week?? crazy. you'd think i'd be used to sleeping in the day and being awake at night. guess what? WRONG. but whatever.  oh wells. worry about it later.. haha. like always. 

why is everyone leaving me??? honestly!! ahhh!!! well sarah's gonna be back!! so yay!!! but everyone else is gone.. *sniff sniff* oh wells.. i guess my junk yard of a room will FINALLY be cleaned.. haha.. sad.. i know..

SO. what have i learnt lately? that no matter what happens in life, those that truely love you, will always love you. thanx guys. i needed to learn that.

omg.. i officially have the cutest mom in the world!!!

she came out of the bathroom and she accidently scared the turtle. so i was like MOM!!!! YOU SCARED THE TURTLE!!! and shes like oh sorry. so she goes to comfort ME. like wha?!?! you didnt scare me.. the turtle's the one that jumped.. like wha?? but maybe its only cute and funny to me cuz im soo tired.. hahahaha

what a weekend.. haha... omg.. remind me to never wear a dress again... honestly... its like a fish out of water.. it just doesnt happen.. stupid val, got to change.. grr... *sigh* oh gurls.. thats probably the LAST time you'll see me in a dress.. haha.. unless SOMEONE gets married... *ahem* and no. the poll is WRONG. trust me on that one. not happening.

my weekend is done. a weekend of like a day. *sigh* stinking work.. AND if i didnt work on friday... omg.. i'd haftta work sat til wed morning.. which woulda sucked.. majorly.. *sigh* and mabs hun? new plan. honestly. and MAYBE beating.. maybe its time to go for a coffee and yell. like JZ. *sigh* creepy if you ask me..

couple things i feel like sharing with the world... at least my world.

• if its not in your place to say anything, then dont.
• if its not yours to tell, then dont mention it.
• if someone doesnt live the way YOU think they should live your life, just shut up you have no place to judge what they do.
• your friends are NOT your taxi drivers.
• a "no" means no. not a "try again later" or a "i need a guilt trip"
• when someone says "back off" or "leave me alone" chances ARE they mean it.
• just because you want some attention, does NOT mean its owed to you, nor does it mean you're gonna get it.

and thats about all i gotta share. cheers.

oks.... it is now officially saturday.. AND.. on my list of things DONE.. i got a dress, found my earings.. have my rings... hmm... yep. thats about it. and on my to do? loads.. like shoes, necklace.. hmm... wraping things... call the gurls... yeah.. loads to do.. *sigh* and dan dear? work IS killing me.. nite shift for like 3 weeks, 1 week of day shift, and then back to nite shift.. BUT on contenintal.. like OH DEAR ME! you wanna know what else is stupid? i gotta work CIVIC holiday.... *sigh* haha i really am getting old... im like sighing like non-stop.. oh dear me.. maybe its time to go do something productive... just MAYBE. haha

man..... you know that heartbroken feeling? when all you wanna do is sit and cry? and all that you think about is that ONE thing and the question "why???" or "why me???"? or how about where you think you're at witts end, and you cant go on anymore? maybe some of you dont know. maybe some of you know exactly what i mean. its just so hard to watch such a large group of people, of GOD's people just sit and fight and tear each other appart. honestly. as God's people, we are called to a way of love.. correct? and ALSO as God's people, we are called to listen to His still and quiet voice and to develop our relationship with Him... yes? so then tell me. why are we fighting each other? why are we taking matters into our own hands? why are we ignoring the Creator and Ruler of all? why are we tearing each other up? is power really that important? as Gods people, should we not take each step, in accordance with his will and not ours? when does a group of people - the church, that claims to be His church, work according to the agendas of humans? should not a church always be focused on HIS will?

God's talking to us. God's teaching us. guess whose not listening? guess whose not learning? since when is a student above his teacher or a servant above his master? according to matt 10:24, "A student is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master. "

woa woa woa. you wanna know what i found in my Bible while looking for that passage?  Luke 13:1-8. the title of this? "Repent or Perish" guess what? i almost started crying when i saw that.. because this is what everything has been pointing to... and i love these ppl.. i cant stand this fighting anymore.. someone make them stop.. someone tell them to stop fighting God... fighting God is impossible.. you CANT win.. trust me.. i've tried it before, and you know what? Gods way IS the better way.. you cant fight someone that knows all, you know. and if you dont believe me? ask me about it.. i shall tell you a lil story about a silly gurl who decided that she knew best for her life, and that God didnt know as much as she did.. but in the end? what did she learn? that God is all that she needs and God will always point out the best way for your life.

omg.. will all of you just SHUT UP!!! seriously.. im gonna eat you alive... and im not even kidding.. i wish i was.. but im not. so just shut up. stop nagging me. stop ordering me around. enough is enough. honestly. grr. im fed up, AND stressed so just leave me be. ok? that way there wont be a murder. jz! and howard? dont aww me. please.

oh dear me. no howard. not what you're thinking. im just a lil over loaded.... man.. i've been meaning to update for a couple days.. and i never did it. why? just cuz. haha.
 
is missing the past a good thing because you remember the happy times? or is it just bad, because you cant live in the past? honestly, i dont know what my life would be like without my tai poi. shes always been there. i have pictures from my first christmas, and its the 4 generations...together... fastforward some years... shes now 92.. and still going... i wish i could say shes going strong.. but i cant. and i guess knowing that just kinda kills a part of me. shes a lot happier now then she was before.. dont get me wrong. shes always been a happy person.. she never yelled... and i never got in trouble with her... actually i dun think anyones ever gotten in trouble with her... like amongst me and the cousins... she's always been the one IN trouble with us! i mean who runs in a mall? my tai poi.  and who does she take with her when she does it? us. *sigh* i miss those days.. those days of grammie, tai poi and us running in the malls, with my mommy going "DONT RUN!!" haha.. at least shes happy now, even tho shes being quite forgetful... not a worry in the world, and shes always smiling and laughing.. shes just so happy. oh how i'd give up years for her. i honestly would. i cant imagine living without her there.  every unexpected urgent phone call, i worry... i know shes gonna leave us one day, and that shes gonna go and be with my daddy in heaven, and one day im going too, but for now? it breaks my heart to just even think that shes gonna hafta leave this world. and i fear that the day is approaching. i dont know when, but i DO know that every day, im thankful that its not her time to go home yet.. and shes still here with us, even tho she doenst live with me.

oks. next question. who wants to go dress shopping FOR me? cuz knowing me, and the way i dress for formal stuff... (if you dunno.. ask sarah.. oh dear.. she'll give you a long and detailed description which basically amounts to i dont "dress up" unless i really gotta, and even then, its when ppl make me that i do 0.o) so basically.. i hate dress shopping. things i like? (scary thought eh? me? liking a dress?? woa.. ) neways, dresses i like? NEVER in my size.. and things that totally clash with me, as far as skin tone and such (for more info on that, see my grammie) they fit me.. size wise... *sigh* so i blaze malls  (notice the "s" on malls) and i have the worlds hardest time finding one.. now ayesha's party? (im soo excited and happy for her!!!!)  i have like from whenever malls open, til like 4.30 to get something... thats really really REALLY tight... honestly.... hmm... maybe i'll go to dynamite, and they'll still have that dress.. hmm.. cant go wrong.. sarah approved it..if you dunno which one i mean.. then thats just TOO bad. ha. thats what you get for NOT going shopping for me. unless you're going to ayesha's thing.. then you'll see it (duh!)  haha. honestly. i dun see what this fuss is about getting all dressed up and "ppppprrreeeeetttttyyy..... like prom" according to ayesha.. *sigh* its her day.. so whatever she wants.
 
hmm.. what else to say? im being laid off for 2 weeks. but thats not new.. and its not exciting.. hmm. oh yeah! who knew that the picture thingers for CHILDRENs sunday school would be so hard? HONESTLY. it wasnt bad.. then i started prep for next sunday... oh dear.. oh dear me. haha.. *sigh* time to do more cutting.. if i EVER find my sissors.. *sigh*

omg. lets just say im sick of cleaning... like omg.. thats all i've done.. minus going to most of cinderella's game and going out for william's burfday.. btw... if you think IM a crazy driver.... talk to william... like omg... hes NUTS... i swear.. not even funny...
 
oks the positives in my life.. because apparnetly im very negative these days... excuse me for having some crap happening in my life, and me watching those i love crumble and break.... its not a happy time. but whatever. think positives... in order that i think of them...

• my wonderful family... even if they are mia... *ahem* mr. he?
• my rents are gone for the weekend.. but the weekend is over.. oh wells..
• i got to drive sammi's car... boo-yeah. it handles NICELY... it hugs the road just *muah* wonderfully. *sigh* how i wish i had money to fix my shocks... hahaha. roller coaster ride, here we go!
• my nicely arranged room... now for the junk.. hmm...
• my great grammie's burfday!!! mommy says its 92.. but i think its really 94th.. hmm. wheres grammie when we need it clarified??
• cinderella's game!!! they won!!! yay!!!!
• sammi made me a chocolate fudge cake.. mmm... but watch.. alans gonna eat it ALL when he gets home... -.-;
• sammi made some banana chocolate chip muffins... mmm... wow... what a weekend.. what a way to break a diet.. who can say no to these things????

hmm.  im gonna think thats enough positive thoughts to satisfy a certain person... *ahem*
meh. whatever..  too bad.. ahaha.. oh yeah!!! btw, who wants to go dress shopping with me? man.  i hate dress shopping.. its soo gurly.. and soo frilly.... and poofy... and im not talking a summer dress.. im talking like formal looking dress.... like  borderline what i wore to prom.. like ai yaaaaa!!!!! do i really got to be gurlie???? ayesh?? this is JUST for you.. i swear... but im soo excited for you too!!! hehe. oh! while im asking... who wants to clean my room? any takers? thats what i thought. just like ppl that wanna go dress shopping with me.. *sigh* i'll just take crystal then.. haha.. cuz she needs to go get her gr.8 grad dress!!!! yay!!! my lil sis is graduating!!!! haha... but end of this school year.. haha.. and i need my dress for sat.. hmm... hahaha.. slight problems... whoops..

does anyone have a solution for insomia? *sigh*

now that all idiot parties have been informed.. *ahem* like yesterdays weird call *ahem* the conclusion of the matter is together.  oks? happy? are we all informed yet? if not? too bad.
 
now that thats done with, what have i learnt this week? that princesses will always be princesses, and spoiled kids will always be spoiled and those with the "poor me" attitude will always have that, no matter what age they are. and all 3 of those kinds of ppl i have spent almost all my waking hr in the last week with. you know what i have also been taught from this? besides ppl arent the easiest to deal with at like 3 in the morning? patience truely is a virture. its hard to learn. its hard to not snap or anything, but when the wee hrs of friday morning come around, we're all happy.. glad to be done another week.. minus george, who just likes to heckle me about NOTHING.. *sigh*
 
update? half of stage one is done.. *Sigh* soo exausting... honestly.. nap time.. i swear.. haha.

i just have one question.
 
whats with male kellys and being so "different"?
 
oks.. let me define "different". in a way, dirty would be a better word.. or even perverted... for some, twisted will do justice. you see, what i've discovered is that male kellys? their either super nice, but they act tought, or else their just jerks, that pretend that they are nice, and all they want to do is help you or be friends with you, but in reality? no. lets just say they have alterior motives.. which we probably dont need to know or want to know about... *shudders*
 
lucky for me, i only know how twisted certain people can become, through ppl i work with, but still... creepy guys?? oh gross.. gurls? stick together. thats all i gotta say. there IS safety in numbers...   
 
oh wells. thats all i gotta say.. haha.. btw. anyone know where my work shirt is?

oh wonderful. as soon as one ends, another one starts.. and yeah its like that with most things, but please.. can i have more then a week off between nightmares?? and can i have more then a day off from having something occupying my brain completely??? SERIOUSLY.. what is going on!? URGH im gonna rip hair out soon... seriously.. well.. i guess in a way its not as serious as a nightmare.. maybe its night terrors.. haha.. i dunno the word for it... but SOME Of you know whats going on.. rite? ms. koh and mr. li? and mr. he? IF he ever reads his email.. like omg.. where the heck ARE you?? call home or email me or something!!! its kinda like et phone home or something.. hes just gone from the face of the earth!!! just like how my dearest stalker fell off the face of the earth or something... but apparently he didnt.... which is kinda odd, cuz his secretary didnt know where he went either =S whats with guys and disappearing?? *Sigh* mr.he? if you EVER read this?? OMG MSN/TEXT/MSG/CALL ME!!!!!! *sigh* funny how songs just pop into your head when you need it most.. like "all who are thirsty" with the part that goes

"Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy"

*sigh* someone just take my head and like hold it for me.. too much trying to think.. i need a vacation or something... away from all of this.. *sigh*

All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep
(we sing)

Come Lord Jesus come
Holy Spirit come
As deep cries out to deep

what a weekend... and theres still a day left! haha some things happened.. some good. some not so good. like always. neways just wanted to say... all the crap in my life? offically dealt with. next item on the list? my room. -.-' like OH DEAR. those of you that know? OH DEAR ME. i'll see you in like 6 months.. if i EVER climb out from under this mess and even START cleaning it! so if anyone owns a garbage truck OR a shelving company.. feel free to come help me.. or if you just wanna help me even.. haha.. lots to do here... hahaha.. oh dear me. *sigh*

will all jerks PLEASE stay away from my gurls? face it buddy. their too good for you. thats all there is to it. and i dun have the time or energy or the resources to beat you after you be your jerkish ways to them. so honestly. please. stop hurting them. saves a lot to hafta hunt you down and then hurt you. cheers!

who am i kidding? aarons rite. i should just stay in my castle and sleep in my princess bed. no matter how hard i fight, im never gonna win.. maybe in the end, im really JUST a princess and i'll never be anything more.. *Sigh*

nites. ha. what a lie. its like jet lag. only i dont have a choice. whats worst? im not allowed to adjust to it. ha. dinner first thing. wake up like 2 hrs before i even hafta get up. when the hell will this all stop? ha. on top of that. who the hell do they think they are? what am i? 7? they wish. screw that. if they wanna see me suffer and they enjoy it, then they can forget it. aint happening.

the pit crew is offical gone. bobby's on contenential on 18, bob's on vaca, iga's gone, im on 12 now, its just jane and emily left... *sigh* we're done. 27 is done. back to the blueprints. off to cut myself on 12. wonderful. really. you should try it. cut yourself at LEAST 5 times on your hand. honestly. you'd think you'd stop after once... but then sometimes you just dont notice.. haha. and no if you think im a cutter, then think again. things are only as bad as what we make it seem like.

btw, shopping for guys IS hard, even if you take the guy WITH you!!! like omg! honestly. whoever said shopping for guys is easy is OBVIOUSLY a guy. cuz only guys can shop for guys. URGH.

p.s. the update? 1 of 3. so far so good. i think. but its an uphill battle. *sigh*

oks... what excuse do i have for not updating? PLENTY. but oh wells. heres a quick update.. haha... taken from my hun, but its ok... haha..

What I want to do rite now - sleep. or work things out with different ppl
What I want rite now - a banana split... or an egg tart from PO MA!!!
Who I'm thinking of rite now - oh you know who *winkz* haha. dun ask me. i dunno either. haha
The Last thing I want to do rite now - go to ___ or see ____ or ____
Who I want to talk to rite now - hunny or julie.
What I'm wishing for rite now - better grades... like oh dear.
Where I want to be rite now - where YOU are. haha. nono. fla, usa.
What I'm thinking rite now - URGH! haha

so whats going on? many many things.

1. the WONDERFUL switch *rolls eyes* stupid if you ask me. but then no one does. *sigh* i miss 27.... why 12 why??? *sigh* fight jane fight!!! fight hard!!!!!!!! emily too! haha.. if they stop being bored and goofing off. haha

2. URGH the stupidity of SOME ppl.. hahaha.. man-child! oh dear. andrew, you're the bestest. hahahhaa... manchild! boychild! *Sigh* oh dear. hahaha. who comes up with these things?? haha

3. "how do you say 'thank you'?" ____ _____ hahaha. and no lil boy, its NOT bok choi.. and i dun mean doi jai.. and i dun mean merci OR merci beaucoup david. haha!!!!!

4. "i'll trade you 'my feet hurt' and 'my feet feel soo good' for your 'can i have kfc'!!"

5."dont like it!!!" hahaha oh jz! HONESTLY!!! will you just get out?!*sigh*

6. who wants to go sitcker shopping? not me aparently. haha. what a lazy bum

7. schedule? what? URGH!! dont remind me. im gonna smack someone or something soon.

8. someone figure it out for me. please. jz. hha. how does one end up being pulled in soo many ways? oh dear.

9. lakehead? here i come. hahaha. oh dear. should i? or should i not? hmm.

oks.. i think thats it. is that long enough for you *ahem* my 5 month worth of posting? haha.. on to better things.. like fixing chatter boxes. *ahem* hahahaha