wanna know what made my day today?
1. my bro didnt hurt himself... er... too badly.... haha... good job, alan!!!! *hugs*
2. Westley.

you know how cute kids can be? like omg... hes soo adorable!!!! oh somedays.. i just wanna take him home!!!! but then i dun think his parents would be too happy with me.... well... they probably wouldnt mind if i took him home for one night... but ya know... haha. anyways. yeah.. he just made me smile like ALL day.. oh how nice it is to see a child smile. or to watch a child have fun, to watch him learn, to watch him grow... *sigh* and we wonder why i feel old?? haha.. all these kids are growing like RIGHT before my eyes. 3 months ago, they were so much younger. kids grow up VERY fast... let me tell you that. but im sure you're smart and you already knew that. and if you dont... i dun recommend like randomly giving candy to kids to see them happy.. cuz im sure their parents would call the cops on you or something... but like yeah... its the best feeling in the world. *sigh* if i EVER have kids.. omg... they will be the worst most spoilded bunch!!! haha.. send them to auntie sammi's for some lessons... ahaha... *sigh* oh wells.. worry about that when i get there... haha

oooh... its march break for all the lucky bums.. guess what that means? TC!!!! *sigh* i wanna go soo badly too... drat. oh wells. in the words of sammi? "you're too old for these things veee keeeee!!!!!!" haha.. oh silly sammi. and if ppl could be so kind as to pray for all those involved in and/or attending.. that would be most excellent... TRUST me.. there are strong battles here.. and these battles will be won according to Gods plan. but we need to pray for them. we need to pray for things like strenght and such. whoever of you that reads this may or may not know someone thats either going or helping out with it, and if you know what to pray for, then pray for that. otherwise, tell God whats on your mind and that you dont know how to pray but you want his will to be done. God understands those prayers too. and only HE knows exactly what each person needs.... but yeah.. after my super long speel... pray for them ks? im worried... like always.. and im scared.. but not as scared as last year... now THAT was super strong.. i havent broken down and cried yet.. and hopefully it'll stay that way... *winkz*

oks.. someone asked me a question... "what do you look for in the [opposite sex]?" and i have ABSOLUTELY no idea what to say.. like sure i have ideas... but yeah... anyone wanna help me??? send me ya answers and stuff... haha... oks.. i think im done with what i hafta say.. haha

on thurs, this amazing poem was read to a bunch of us. and it made me think. here.. read it. slowly. one line at time. and think about each line. read it outloud..

An Open Invitation

There was this shimmer -
Velvet yellow,
Behind white wooden frame.
Dancing silhouettes,
In gray-black shade.
That caught my eye,
As I walked,
Enwrapped in star-sky.
Compelling me to focus,
Away from constellations and prophets,
So I wouldn't miss a thing.

I stood upon ice soil -
With purple soles,
Beneath snow waterfalls.
And naked knees,
Short sleeves,
Among bleeding hands,
And frozen lashes,
I shivered,
As it glistened,
Inviting me to come and listen.

I could only imagine,
Who sat behind the floating curtain,
Praying while I continued to run?

I didn't have to knock,
The door was open -
A chandelier;
With overflowing wax,
Candled light,
And golden glow,
Hung relatively low,
To a four chair table,
Equipped with silver cutlery,
Porcelain dishware,
Wineglasses,
A feast for Kingly masses,
And I stepped forward,
Hesitant to interfere,
With the divine affair,
That I heard pronounce my name.

"Welcome," one said,
Yet all three smiled,
The room with warmth piled,
As they called me child.
And I sat down with these three familiars,
Warming up to their charms -
Rosy, dried up cheeks,
Curious psyches.
Biting on yeast,
Digesting the familiarities,
Consuming creed,
Observing one in all three?

And then I realized,
That sitting with unwashed feet,
And dirty fingernails,
Was acceptable,
Almost crucial,
To my being invited,
Into this Holy social circle,
Of lifelong contentment.

(2004) by:Ana Saravolac

you know what hit me as i read it? how much other things catch my eye, when the best thing is RIGHT infront of me. how do i turn a blind eye to God's amazing love. and focus on things that truely do not matter? i think that was one of my most embarassing moments... and for those of you that REALLY know me... i dun really get embarassed.. cuz if i do something stupid.. i'd laugh first at it.. or just shake my head at myself for being so dumb. but yeah... if you wanna know one of my most embarassing moments? just knowing that God wants something better for me, but im too distracted by other things to pay attention to him. *sigh* what an isolent child i am.

God came and paid for all of our sins, mine included. He died a painful death, so that we can be with him. He watched those he love scorn him. He was whipped by those that he cared for. He was shamed by those he chose to call his family. its like that song:

How deep the Father?s love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

i guess that song just sums up what i had to say.. but yeah.. if you wanna read more awsome poems by ana, go to here. http://www.postpoems.com/members/dieheiligedichterine/ or click RITE here. ^.~

anyways.. one other thing i wanted to say. ignore the p.s. business because the person just isnt understanding... so i guess i gotta find another way other then then method 1, being telling them straight out to back off, and method 2, dropping mad hints about it.. like MAAADDDD.... *sigh* thanx joel... but i dun think even a parking lot discussion could work on this one... SOO dense.. like what more do you need to know!? what more can i do to tell you to back off and leave me be??? *sigh* why is life hard???...wait.. dont answer that... cuz i know why it is for me. but its one of those, its for me to know, and you not to know things. *sigh*

oks.. i think thats all i had to say today.. minus the OWWW.. but yeah... oh wells... meh.. it'll get looked at later. yes? haha. rite. and DONT walk in the cold for like 2 hrs.. cuz yeah... you get wind bitten or whatever and then EVERYONE asks you stuff that you probably should kow about.. but you dont... like why your cheeks are soo warm and soo red?? haha.. oks. time for me to shut up. *zip* *angelic smile* SHUSH! haha

ah today. *sigh*. wonderfully weird... i suppose. but then everything is. you see. for one... it was like 10.30, and me and my crazy friend decided to walk like 1/2 hr in the COLD..more like an hr.... and with the snow to go talk and eat... and like yeah.... craaazzzzzyyyy... it was fun.. but CRAZY!!!! and then we had to walk back.. oh how hard that was... it was even COLDER when we were walking back.. and yeah.... not so cool.. and my hot coffee is now like colder then room temperature.. and i dunno why im drinking a coffee at this hr... cuz you know what that means rite? NO sleep.. and i need it bad... *sigh* oh wells.. tomolo nite.. maybe... haha.. at least i'll be in my nice bed.... mmm.. nice and warm... im STILL frozen and i;ve been home for like 20 mins now.. like WHAT!??!?! *sigh*

anways. as i was saying to my twinnie... i typed up the lyrics to one of my fav songs.. cuz no one seems to have it...but yeah.. the song goes like this

Symphony ~ Justin Chow

Beautiful midnight, gazing at the star lit sky
Agonizing over choices, choices
Tearing my self apart, Tearing my mind from my heart
How do I know if I?ve done right?

An hour spent alone is like an eternity
But a moment spent with you is a symphony of emotions
I tried to show you how much you mean to me
I couldn?t help it; I?m in love with you

Watching the sunrise, watching the past rise in my mind
The clouds dissolving in the heart, memories
All the things we shared, all the things we said
Call to me from the horizon

An hour spent alone is like an eternity
But a moment spent with you is a symphony of emotions
I tried to show you how much you mean to me
I couldn?t help it, I?m in love with you

[Music break]

An hour spent alone is like an eternity
But a moment spent with you is a symphony of emotions
I tried to show you how much you mean to me
I couldn?t help it, I?m in love with you

Beautiful day light, I?ve made my choice today.

its such a beautiful song. and for those of you that know what im talking about... yeah.... *sigh* i dunno. i guess i relate to this very well. its my will or His will. there is no compromises unless i give up my will and my will IS his will. oh how much easier it is said then done. like SOO much more easier. amazing.

*sigh* i dunno.. i dun think youd get my other song that i like.. cuz yeah... thats not so easy to type up... haha... oh wells. no biggie... too bad for you guys i guess... cuz you wont know it... but this song... im pretty sure you havent heard of it either.... PRETTY sure... doesnt mean that for sure you havent heard of this.. but yeah.. trust me.. its non-existant as far as the net goes... wonderful eh? oh wells.. if you want this. you know how to get it *winkz* hehe.. shush. its like almost 3 in the morning.. i had coffee like an hr ago... im in dire need of sleep.. whoops... bad combination i think... hahaha.... i think..... me? thinking? um.... RITE. no. dun think so. haha....oks... im officialy frozen. i cant get warm... *sigh* do i have anything intelligent to add to my ramble?

oh yeah! my lil p.s thinger yesterday.. i need to explain myself before half of my world thinks im telling them to lay off... its to like 1 person specifically... and that person SHOULD know that it is themself... think hard. if you dont know. ask me. i shall tell you....if not.....someone is gonna be bound to tell ya. ask yourself these simple questions.

1. do i keep track of her?
2. do i ask too many questions?
3. do i demand to know every detail of her life?
4. do i try to run her life?
5. do i attempt to know EVERY single one of her friends, such that i over take her friends?
6. do i end up taking over her life?
7. do i get a lot of nonsense answers?
8. do i ask what she is doing with every moment of her day?

if you answered yes to most of these questions...chances ARE... and if you still dunno.. then ask me... and if it IS you, then BUG OFF!!!! JZ!!! what part of MY life did you miss? *breathe in* *breathe out* oks..i think thats more explanatory then just ranting at some person .... but yeah.. like honestly.... thanx for caring.. but dont smoother me. let me breathe. how am i gonna be me, if i cant breathe? and unless you get off my back and stop trying to live my life or be me or whatever you think you're doing, you're crushing me. and all thats gonna be left of me is just an empty hollow shell thats named me. and let me tell ya... im pretty close to there.. every moment... less of me is left... so please.. let me be. let me live my life oks? im almost begging you.... except, theres not enough of me left TO beg you with.... so yeah.. i just wanted to clarify all that...but im pretty sure what that JUST was, is garbage... so you probably did a GIGO thing... cuz im just tooo exausted... maybe sleep time before my twinnie kills me... haha.. sorry darling... going... soon... haha

*sigh* blogger doesnt like me... anyone else feeling this "love from blogger? anways.. thanx to theomnifish.. but yeah.. anways.. what those pictures say... (its from my email too... thanx kat... if you even read this.. hehe)

A Woman's 3 Wishes...
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it, and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, " Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The women said, "That would be ok" and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to?" The woman replied, "That will be ok because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." so, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be ok because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the riches woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "i'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever b______. Don't mess with them.

see.. yeah... SLIGHTLY offensive to females.. cuz not all of us are evil and manapulative like that... and yeah guys... dont be stupid and hang out with wacked out women... and i strongly urge you to not date one... and i HIGHLY recommend you dont marry one... hahaha..

anways.. guess what i lernt today? well what i was reminded off... cuz its been a while since i had something soo cool... but yeah.. essentially, Prayer is powerful. like i always knew it, i always believed it, i've seen it work numerious times.. and some of you know what im talking about, but yeah.... it just reminded me today.. i dunno how else i woulda gotten through this week.. it was a hard week, and i've been sleep depreived... (yea twinnie.. i know i promised to sleep after my shower and my hair dried.. and its still drying.... :S) and i just wanna say thanx for all those who have been/are praying for me. thanx. i need those prayers.. lets just say im extremely exausted.. yet im semi-functioning.. and yet havent walked into a wall yet.. much to the disappointment of many ppl. haha. but yeah.. i dunno how i got through this week... amazing. thanx ppl. you're amazing.. and you're heaven sent. thanx.

oks. i forgot what else i was gonna say.. so if someone remembers.. tell me please? like pretty please? with a chery on top? what if i put whip cream on it? hm... what else ...... hmm..... or YOU tell me what you want from me. and make it realistic. dun tell me to give you a mill. cuz i dun have one for myself.so yeah. cant do that. get it? REALISTIC!

p.s. Joel says to be more direct. so this is me being direct at *ahem*. "LAY OFF ME! and get of my back. i dont answer to you. nor do you keep me accountable, cuz there is NOTHING that you can keep me accountable to. and if you want me to trust you, then why are you lying to me? oh wait. i dont even want to know."

so i was reading my email today... and cleaning it out.. so yeah... cuz i havent done the whole "my best email of the day" thinger in a LOOONNNGGG time... haha.... so anyways.. this one.... SLIGHTLY offensive to females.... wonderful warning for the males.... and yeah.. haha...









yeah.... i think thats like the most unmentally challenging one there is... and is that even a word? anways... when i was cleaning out my email (i know.. rare moment). some of you will remmeber this. some of you wont. some of you dont even know about it. but for those who forgot.. i think one word will remind you.... "WEEEDDGGGIEEE" (sorry ***!!!!) but yeah. this was said. and i just kinda want you (who ever actually reads this) to just think about this. read it slowly.. reflect on it...maybe read it outloud, either to yourself or to someone else. you'll see what i mean.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fears, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

you see. when i had this read to me the first time, i understood... i understood the words of those who loved me at all costs, and risked everything so that i might know truth. i understand the actions of those just loved. and i must tell ya. i look up to those people. those who can love at all costs. even if it breaks them. that is some deep love. i thought of what others have given up for me. and i thought of what i had given up in me. anways.. i guess to just kinda sum whats really what im thinking rite now, heres more stuff from my inbox... haha... isnt it wonderful how you half-clean it out one day to find these nice things that just remind you of what you've learnt, what you've been told, and what Gods told you in the past.. but anways, i digressed again. and is that even how you spell it? neways...

As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear.

When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were to busy. At one point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all our activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me.

I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me,that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't. That's okay. There is still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet.

You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.

Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you.. I've got patience, more than you will ever know. I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well.

I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought, or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.

Well, you are getting up once again. Once again I will wait, with nothing but love for you. Hoping that today you will give me some time. Have a nice day!

Your friend,
GOD

remember. what better feeling is there other than love, especially a divine love from above?

woa.. i remembered to blog...woa... maybe im getting back into the habit of... MAYBE... haha

guess what hit me today? the wedding... its in 2 weeks... woa... they've been going out for AGES!*sigh* they're soo cute together.. ooh soo jealous... hahaha... oh wells... in dahlia's words " he'll come when hes ready" and i remember it exactly, cuz i never heard it expressed like that.

so what i forgot to talk about yesterday that i wanted to talk about.

1. passion of the Christ. oh man. i saw that.. couldnt stop crying. wouldnt stop. to see the pain he endured. to see His mother's heart break. to see the suffering. to see this ridicule. to see the torture. to see their cockyness... (is that even a word?) to see those that scorned him. to see his face, wretched with agony & pain. to see the hurt. to be alone like that. oh it hurt. it hurt so badly. i remember saying many times to God, "im not worth this" and "stop this. i rather go to hell then for Jesus to bear this pain". but i then remembered what someone had said to me earlier in the week. they told me, he already died. and he already did it for me. and he did it for you too. why cant i love others too? i look at my problems and im like woa. petty things. no one is whipping me. no one is beating me. no one is nailing me on a cross... and yet I have problems!? like wha?! so if i have problems, then what did Jesus have? and on top of that, he knew it from the start of his life. and he chose to not run, but to do Gods will. wow. i am amazed. its like that song "and can this love, how can it be?" hmm.. lots of thinking...

2. why am i being called a number of semi-new terms? i mean... hello? is it wrong to stand up for love? is it wrong to question those who are immaturly judgemental? hm.. weird tho.

today? dealt with some things. am loving my twinnie. am needing sleep. am needing my daddy to a) tell me how this fried rice is gonna happen WITHOUT food poisioning... b)get me some ice creme.... cuz he bought it.. and is just taunting me with it... grr...

and to end off..."to have joy one must share it. happiness was born a twin" ~ Lord Byron. and you know who im talking to ..hehe...^.~ no worries tho ks? it'll all be good.. and if not. i'll see ya when you join me on vacation! hehe

see hoi wai!!! i posted!!! hahahaha...its long tho.. cuz i didnt know what to write and one thing lead to another...

*sigh* im soo sleep deprived.... but i suppose thats why we have coffee rite? oh wells.. neways.. been a while.. well like 3 days.. but here... 3 days happens like 3 months worth of stuff!!!! neways... quick run down?

saturday
-->slept in.. it was magnificent
-->stressed about how to feed the 20 odd ppl that were gonna come...
-->asked mommy for car... her reply?

mommy:why do you need the car?
vic: to drive ppl back here... cuz we have like one car.. and like 20 people... see? problem mommy..
mommy: oh.. oks..WAIT.. how am i gonna get the car to you??
vic: umm.... drive it here???
mommy: uhh no.
vic: please?
mommy: thats what you get for not comming with me this morning!

its PURE spite...*sigh* oh wells... lets just say after watching that movie, i
couldnt be driving....anways... continuing on..

-->decided that we werent going to go back to my place after
-->stressed some more
-->called daddy..

vic: daddy... can i have the car? please?
daddy: why do you need it?
vic: cuz a bunch of us are going to watch passion and they're coming over after to talk about it
daddy: you can take the van....
vic: but daddy!!! you know i cant drive the van!!"
daddy: hmm... do you wanna come with ME to watch a movie?
vic: but daddy... i already made plans!!!!
daddy: oh... *sigh*... oks... have a good time then...enjoy your movie"

*sigh* daddys hilarious.. he KNOWS i cant see enough to drive it.. and yet he insists...

-->met up with my other family
-->watched "the passion of the Christ"
-->bawled my eyes
-->had my heart broken into pieces soo tiny, not even a SEM can find the pieces.
-->went to mcd
-->drank oil, cuz my dear jon ting was like "WHAT?!?!? YOU DIDNT EAT DINNER YET?!"

but its only cuz he loves me.... and he worries for me....and about me.... whoops..

-->went home & cried some more
-->did some hmwk (finally)
-->msned. (haha.. its now a verb!!! *sigh*... only me. haha)
-->heard my godbro out even tho i shoulda slept... whoops.. ahhaa...

sunday
-->woke up early... underslept yet again.... i gotta cut my "lets sleep for 4 hrs" habit... *sigh*
-->got dressed... for those of you that need to know...

[a.k.a. those that keep bugging me to wear a skirt...]
i did wear a skirt... so.. LAY OFF!!!! hahaha....

--> got to church late... sorry boys...
-->froze.. cuz theres no insulation anymore in that roome
-->practiced & organized ourselves...
-->prayed
-->screwed up cuz my fingers were frozen and they wouldnt bend... SORRY GUYS!!!!!
-->went to english service
-->went running around looking for terence... cuz i still have his stuff... *sigh*
-->went looking for my car
-->found my car and moved my sisters stuff
-->went to class
-->played badminton...well...more like "played".. cuz:

1. i cant run in that skirt... VERY problemattic...
2. the ceilings in the way.. haha

-->drove home in the nasty snow..
-->fought with my brother on the way home... MAN!!! never be around guys when they're hungry...
-->COOKED for my brother (why did i go home anways?!)
-->watched sabrina goes to rome (dun ask... LONG story...)
-->had dinner....

daddy went out in the snow to bbq me some steak.. cuz i told mommy i wanted bbq all week...

-->went back to res
-->cleaned like MAD... stupid house checks...
-->bumed around
-->went to meeting
-->bumed around some more...
-->discovered something i probably shouldnt have known... thanx lil boy... now what? what do i do?!?! AHH!
-->sleep deprived myself again... *sigh* bad habit..

Monday
oooh.. this day is interesting....
-->woke up
-->went to class
-->almost fell asleep in class
-->went home
-->almost collapsed...see? sleep deprivation? bad.... VERY BAD!!!
-->ate
-->explored
-->crashed
-->went to class
-->went home to get my OHIP
-->FINALLY made an appointment with a doctor...i know.. stubborn me...
-->went home...
-->got my chem midterm..... *sigh* all i gotta say is why study when its the same as NOT studying?
-->TRIED to read... did my "ooh.. pretty pictures!!" with my text...good thing theres pics!
-->crashed
-->did more "reading"
-->talked to one of my best buds
-->got ticked at some jerks
-->got called a varity of colorful words.. including:f****** idiot/moron/a**hat/etc., supid,

anyone wanna explain the a**hat to me??
like typo? cant spell? something i dunno about?

-->exausedly blogged.. just for hoi wai.

yeah.. like excuse me for standing up for love... and excuse me for standing up for one of my bests. like ok... whatever.. and if you're gonna be mad about it, at LEAST stay calm enough to use words and not hafta resort to cussing... like whats that?! excuse me for not taking their crap about how my best's boy loves my best. like hello?! if they're your true friends, wouldnt you be happy that your friend is in love? and that they love someone that loves them back!? like what is this?! and wouldnt you be happy that your friend is going to stop doing harm to himself?! like WOA... man... i dunno what kinda friends hes keeping.. but if they wanna use such "wonderful" words on me, then go a head. i rather it be me, then my bests. sides. he doesnt even know me... so whatever...but interesting day.. havent gotten soo many hate msgs in one day.. for a while anyways.. i must say... oks.. must finish my "reading"...guess who forgot about their test? yeah. me. and sleep... guess whose missing a lot of that too??? OOH!!!!! i had the weirdest dream.... but yeah... i'll explain that one later... hahaha

AHHH!!!! super fustration today!!! but Gods love is STILL awsome.
at ecf on thurs, we had a speaker come in. her name is Darla Walker.
we talked about what love really is.

she told us of the 3 kinds of love that the world offers:
--> "if" love
--> "because" love
--> trash love

and then we talked about Gods love. everyday in the world, we are bombarded with conditional love, Gods love differes... it is UNconditional. not only is it uncondiontal, itis also:
--> boundless (a new way of thinking that i never thought of)
--> never failing
--> perfect
--> constant <--you just cant be seperated from it!

you know what i lernt?
--> we are to be "Jesus-with-skin-on" (thats what she called it)
-->with this supernatural love, we are to show this love to the world
but what God said to me through Darla, was this:

God had ONE son. the life of that ONE son, God willingly gave up for me. so that i could be with God and to know this love...even if it was just the smallest fraction of it... so small that i will never understand most of it. and most importantly: God and God alone, will meet my deepest needs

so you know what this means?
-->it hurts because nothing can replace God's love
-->i want something that i know wont happen because im just deaf &dumb
-->i miss something, because talking through a "door", really isnt talking.
-->im exausted because i am weary. and have ignored matt 11:28.
-->im lost because i dont know who i am anymore
-->im "forgotten" because my world is gone, & it cant be put back together
-->a handful of people's action means the world to me, because they ARE my world
-->i want to cry because i am no more. and the cries of my world are strong
-->my heart is broken, because too many things have broken it to even know what broke it

but its all good. because you know what? God will meet all my needs. what more can i ask for? can i ask for more love? no... Gods love is infinate. can i ask for more mercy or grace? no.... Gods already given me that.

God never promised that the road would be easy. but there IS one thing he guarentees. and that is His glory will be shown to the world. in Luke 9:23, it says:

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

and for those of us who are kinda deaf, dumb and or blind to God, just like me...

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat--I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how."

walking the trails is way better then the paved road. if all you're travelling on, is the paved road.. come walk the trails. then you'll truely see how amazing Gods work is.. and how wonderful his creation is. all you see in on the paved roads is humans in the drivers seat. only when you're walking the paths, can you see how mighty and amazing God truely is.

if you dont know this path and you wanna know it? talk to me. just remeber one thing. and that is that God IS love. and that He loves you VERY much. so much, that he watched his only son die, in order to give YOU life.

world.. why does it hurt so much?
why do i want something i know wont happen? and that i know i cant have?
why do i miss something i know i cant miss, cuz i cant be missing some thing thats "still around"
why am i so exausted, when i havent done anything to BE exausted?
why do i feel lost when i know where i am?
why do i feel forgotten, when perhaps, im not?
why does a handful of people's actions mean the world to me?
why do i want to cry when theres nothing worth crying for?
why is my heart broken when theres nothing to break it with?

these questions are whats running through my mind. well... not just today i suppose.. but today, i found the words to ask the questions. like the song Sustained, "looking for answers, to questions i dont even have". well.. i finally have these questions.

i was talking to a bunch of people today, and someone, one of them spoke up and said:

"all my negative thoughts trace back to two questions:
--> why am i still single
--> why am i (the way i am)?"

i dunno where those questions up there boil down to... but what i know is true is that, no matter where i am, or what crap gets thrown at me, or in my path, it wont stop me. it cant. it has no powers.

to hurt and to have no cure is starting to be more then i can deal with and take. to miss someone because they just dont have time for you is the worst hurt of them all. funny how they wont realize it eh? funny how easy it is to be laughing on the outside and just hurt soo much on the inside. funny to smile to the world but to cry silent tears that no one else knows of...funny how easy all of this is.

*sigh*.. i think i got sick..... '_' someone fix it? please?
someone make my head stop hurting...
someone make the world stop spinning..
it hurts soo much... *whines* wheres my daddy???

oks whatever.. i think im on my own... again..

one thing i found on the net today that kinda struck me. it says:

"A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you,
only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go"

i thought: "how true"... hun if you read this, you know what i mean? yes? no? yes? ...anyways, then i thought of this one song called "dreaming of you"

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you and I wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too...

Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight!
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me

Wonder if you ever see me
and I wonder if you know I am there
If you looked in my eyes would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?

I just wanna hold you close but so far
All I have are dreams of you
So I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you.

I'll be dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight!
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me

(ahh ahh)
Corazon...
I can't stop dreaming of you...
No puedo dejar pensar en ti
I can't stop dreaming...
Como te necesito
I can't stop dreaming of you!
Mi amor, come te extrano

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe that you came up to me
and said "I love you!"
I love you too!

And now I'm dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow and for all my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming with you endlessly!

...how freaky is that??? well... you guys wont think its freaky... but thats cuz you probably dunno whats going on.. and if ya do... oh oks.. hahaha... yeah.. dun ask.... and this is like DON'T ASK...NOT now, and NOT later either!!! haha... *sigh* i remember when i was in love with this song... but then this is kinda a stupid song.. i mean.. why dream of someone when you can just suck in your gut & tell them & potentially BE with them??? funny how i see it now... oh so very funny...but it wont matter. it never matters... cuz i have no say in this, and i have no choice rite? i never do... so why start now? answer? im not. im not gonna start now, it'd be nice to start now.. but i'd probably be too distracted to do anything else.. haha [p.s. if you want my new fav song.. wait for it.. it takes FOREVER to load... *sigh*]

oh... a quick question.. and you answer.. it mite not be such a quick answer... why am i in this bubble? im like living in this bubble of whatever it is.. im not too sure what it is yet.. but im in this bubble.... am i the only one thats living in this bubble? or are other people in this bubble too? hmm.... its soo weird.. i guess its good in a way..but at the same time its not soo good.. hm.....

one final thing...for now.. haha...

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss Til You Find The One You Love
A Hug Is Just A Hug Til Its The One You`re Thinkin Of
A Dream Is Just A Dream Til You Make It Come True
Love Is Jus A Word Til Its Proven To You

think about this...