so.. bio midterm today. guess who failed. yeah. sux.
so.. talking to hun. discovered some stuff.. kinda freaky..
so.. had a dream yesterday.. not one, but 3... and i havent been dreaming lately..

its been a freaky and shaky last lil while... *sigh*
tomolo? SHOPPING!!! hahaha... dress shopping too.. ^.~ you know why im happy about THIS dress shopping?? its not for me!!!! hehe... you know me... me? dress? if you see it, you'll be like "uhh.. i'll PAY you to NOT wear that.." trust me.. not soo cool. if you want to be blind forever... then look... otherwise....you know... haha... and if you dun believe me.... wait.. thats not an option.. cuz you believe me. rite? rite.hahaha... such a dictatorship!!! whoops.. .hahahaha.. oh wells.. to bad.. live with it.. haha..

theres this one quote that i used alot when i first moved. it says
"friends are angels that lift us up, to our feet, when our wings have forgotten how to fly"
and it is so true. sometimes we loose sight of the important things in life. our dreams are nothing but just mear dreams that remain to be fantasy, our hope is crushed, our world is smashed, and all that is important is gone. but then whats so amazing is that God sends us friends who bring us light so that we may find our paths again. *sigh* what an eventful day. some good some bad.. but at least i could breathe today... which is usually a good thing... hahaha... oh wells. its all good. "the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." job 1.21. an excellent book if you're not having such a fun time. or in my case? watch your world shatter into pieces soo small that you cant even find the shards. but its ok. cuz you know what i've lernt? i dun need to find the shards. what i have left is sufficient... because what i have is something that can never be taken away from me. so it is ALL good.. hehehe...

Hey world.
i had a very shakey night last nite.one thing lead to another,
and as it went on... the news just got worst and worst..
how i lived through last night? i dont know.

i was so scared, i couldnt breathe. it was freaky.
it was like someone had took my lungs and froze it
each breath was a mission in itself.
it was like someone had clutched my heart,
and wished it to stop beating.
as the night wore on, it only got worst.

with each blow, i was sinking deeper and deeper.
i heard the taunting cries of the one with no power.
somehow I trembled when i felt his preasence
a voice spoke to me. "I will never leave you"
this i believed and i held onto with all my heart.

with tears, i ran to the Father. away from the evil.
whom have i but You? he sent me dear.
my dear further reassured me.
he also sent me my twinnie.
with tears my nemo, and lots of promises of prayers,
i went to bed. yet i couldnt fall asleep.
so with arms of love, grace and truth around me,
i fell asleep... and i had the most amazing sleep for a while now.

the lesson from this?
--> the evil one is strong and powerful... and he is real.
--> the Father is more strong and more powerful..
--> the Father loves you VERY VERY much
--> the Father has said "I will NEVER abandon you"

one of my friends was talking to me.. and this came up.

me: so i dunno why im scared..
my friend: cuz it is scary!! it's like warlkin on a suspension bridge... u know ur not
gonna fall down, but shtillz ur still there and stuff it's scary!!!!
me: true..but im not scared on suspension bridges...i just dun look down...
and usually my daddy's with me
my friend: aiya u know wut I mean!!
me: and so my daddy just hold my hand and talks to me so i m not scared
my friend: hehe... yeah and ok fine then...
me: oh. i see.. here its the same thing. Hold on to my Daddy's hand & not let go
my friend: it's like u looking over, and God is holding your hand, ur not used to
not actually seeing God, so um, yeah u know u'll be ok but its still scary
me: and focus on him. i get it.

you see? though i am afraid, it will not control me.
should i be watching the passion anyone? im thinking not.
maybe im scareder in not seeing it then i will be in seeing it.

"we only part to meet again"
that was what hit me today. well.. that and how to advert temptation... funny. i thought i was strong enough to resist. i thought i could beat this.. but i guess not... but its ok. "we only part to meet again" must remember to keep that in mind. and i figured out why theres all this hurt. its because it hurts to love. and so when will these tears stop? when the hurt stops. and you know what? it wont stop. sure i wont be crying on the outside, but i will be on the inside... can you hear the cries of these children around the world? can you hear the cries of God's children? can you hear the cries in your own neighbourhood? it hurts to hear their cries and to not be able to make their crying stop...

*sigh*.. what a long weekend..
if never ceasing questions is your thing... you'd love my weekend.
if self-invitees are your thing... you'd love my weekend.
if missing almost everyone that ment something to you is your thing... feel free to take my weekend.
if being dictated as to what to do, tho they are wrong and you know better is your cup of tea... then have fun.

*sigh*... so tempted... hun? if you read this... dun EVEN suggest it.. cuz im gonna jump at the thought of it...im like | |<-- close to telling you, you can do it... wait.. nm.. im more like ||<--that close to doing it myself... omg...its not even funny... *sigh* soo fustrated... its like what part of 'back off' did you miss?!??! *sigh*

someone tell me when this hurting will stop. someone tell me when the crying will stop...

hmm..... i think my brain went for a walk and got lost in the snow... *sigh*
stay home tonite cuz of the silly rain? dun think so baby!
*sigh* .. now if i could only find my brain....
___________________________________________________________

oh boy... fun times gurls... but WAY too much food... hahahha.....and di?
your salad is STILL sitting in my fridge...hahahha.....do you want it still??? ",
*sigh* the talks with di.. oh man.. i miss them soo much... so much has
happened... yet she knows about nothing.... *sigh*.... see? it IS coming
true...oh how i wish i was wrong... but im not... not this time.... *sniff sniff*
oh wells... one day.. haha... your kids are gonna come over after school...
they'll be the most spoiled kids on earth... well.. one of them... muahaha...
sorry tho... haha.. thanx to me... with freshly baked cookies like EVERYDAY..
it'll be fun.. hahaha...*sigh*... and that weird dream... *sigh* the heck with
that.... cant be true.. cant come true!!!! *sigh*

OMG!!!! fustration to the max!!!!!!
FIRST im stressed about my stupid psych lab...
THEN i realize that my bio midterm is next friday...
THEN my blog's template goes and poofs on me!!!
URGH.... *breathe in* *breathe out* URGH!!!!
oh.. not to mention that my mommy wont let me come home....*sigh*
craptactular... thats for sure..
i cant handle this anymore.. URGH!!!!
ok i think im done ranting now.....
BIG props to alan for staying up late like LATE ... wait... early morning... to fix my stupid blog...
thanx bro!
and whoevers the idiot screwing with my blog? SCREW YOU. honestly. do you not have something better to do!?
*sigh* oh wells.. coffee tonite... then going home.... IF my mom decides that i CAN come home... but it wont matter.. it'll be too late.. they'll have left already... is there even a point to me going home??

being at home is certainly different.
my angel sent me this story yesterday.. it speaks to the inner self. here. read it...

The Room is Dim
The room is dim, and all you can see is your lit computer screen. You know its bad for your eyes, but you are too tired to turn them on. You just want to sit on that chair forever and forget reality. It's the holiday season, but you feel like it is the end of the world. You feel as if everyone has left you, as if everyone has moved on and forgotten. Sounds from the computer start to emerge. Your Messenger has logged you on, finally, and messages begin to pop up. You don't feel like talking to any of them, for they are never there when you need them. Why do they deserve your time? But, as a human, you begin to chat with them all, putting on that mask, to make sure that nobody sees the real you. The basic hellos and how are you doings are exchanged, but you lie on your part. You tell them that everything is good, but truly, you are dying inside. Friends invite you to the movies, and others invite you to some parties, but you don't want to go, you don't want to see them at all. As you type your words of lie, your mom hears you crying. She enters the darkened room and turns on the light. She screams frantically and asks if you are ok. But you don't want to talk to her; you want to deal with it on your own. So you just lie, once again, and make up an excuse just to get her out of your room. But your mom is smart, she knows that something is wrong, but she also understands that you need your space. So she gives you a hug, turns off the light, leaves and shuts the door. You turn around, and see that messages of friends asking if you are still there surface. You reply, saying you were busy and had something to do. You sit on that chair of yours, crying and weeping, until the day is over. It is late into the night and you have already missed dinner. But your mom brings you up your dinner, and as you eat slowly, you watch as all your friends disappear, not expecting a thing. Nobody knows your hurt, nobody understands you. One by one, they disappear into the night, leaving you once again. You are about to leave, and huddle into your bed, but someone logs on. Someone that you actually want to talk to. A conversation is stuck, and the masks breaking, very slowly. He can sense something; he can sense something is wrong. He asks if you are ok, and if you would like to talk about anything. You reply with an uncertain no, and he has found his proof. He knows, and you know that the walls have come down. Sobs and weeps become a flood of tears. As you jam your fingers on your keyboard, you express every hurt that is eating your soul, for you know he will understand. The tears blind your sight, you cannot see what you are writing, but your fingers do not take a moment to stop. He reads in silence, as the words become a window into your soul. You finally cease, the tears begin to hush, and the room is silent, as you wait for a response. A reply is sent, and your tears begin to flood again, but instead of sorrow, they are tears of joy. The words that he spoke, filled your soul with his love, and you feel as if everything is all right. The words that he spoke were, "I love you. Never forget that. When all have abandoned, I will be right behind you, giving you the strength to keep on going." A smile surfaces from your red face, you begin to sense that everything will be all right. You thank him for all he's done, and you tell him you need your rest, and you head off to bed. As you turn off your computer, you remember those 3 words, I love you, and your smile grows larger. As you tuck yourself into bed, you fall asleep quickly. In your dreams, you dream that you are with him. He wraps his arms around you and tells you everything will be all right. He tells you to let it all out, and you cry, you cry until there are no more tears. You look up, and he is still there, holding you tight, making sure nothing happens to you. You fall asleep in his arms; you wish that this dream could be reality. But you realize you will see him tomorrow, everything is ok now.

you know what? my angel wrote this. so yay for my angel!!! hehe... luv ya angel! hehe... *hugs*

a weird day indeed. started off kinda funny... ended horridly. happy valentines day to whoever reads this..

sometimes, regret is just too late... its past the warning signs even.... here. let me explain.. we watched this thing in class one day.. it's called "to have and to hold" funny. didnt think that the warnings in that would EVER apply to me. guess who thought wrong? yeah. regret is just too late. so for those of you who are lucky enough to not be in regret. open your eyes, and take a look around. stop and smell the roses, and see where the subtle signs are pointing...be aware of whats going on around you and whose around you....

twinnies? omg. i dont believe this....
everyone else? be on your toes. the best person to trust is yourself.

can anyone say READING WEEK?????
......i can.

oks funnies for today? steph grabbed a candy heart and it said "be mine" and then i grabbed one.. it said "u r mine" and thats about the best thing thats happened today.. haha.. minus pasta dinner.. that was good.. stupid jon.. made me roll over my ankle... GRRR!!!!!

the praise God thing?? (well thats hitting me rite now..) how i ACTUALLY understand my lab due today.. how i got it done!(like an hr before it was due) and the pasta dinner went well... minus scrubbing of pots...

the upper? how it's mission accomplished. OH! and my balloon-o-gram.... but theres other things that go with that.. haha

the horrid thing? feeling like you're majorly overweight and then being told you were too fat for your own good repeatedly... lets just say thats not so cool... cuz that can do things to you.. things that you may regret.. in my case??? things i've fought for too long to give up now... im not gonna give up.. its been too long.. it must go.. either it goes or i do, and im not going without a fight. so guys? if you read this, its not you.. its not why im not talking.. its cuz i cant.. cuz if i do, im gonna breakdown and really wanna run to do the unthinkable.. so if i offended you.. sorry..

so.. reading the blogs of my buds. some interesting things come to mind... well.. not ALL interesting.. some hateful things too
1. love

so i was reading a blog of one of my bestest and um very interesting things were said. like.. how love is pain. yes. love hurts. but its also the most wonderfullest (is that even a word???) feeling in the world. sometimes.. it may break your heart... and in those times.. it just feels like your whole world has fallen appart.. and all you wanna do is crawl under the covers and dream of good things and just never wake up.. or even.. just die...

i read lil boy's blog today. and what he said yesterday, made me think real deep...it also reminded me of this one scene in "down with love"...it's a kinda a weird thought.. hehe.. like how many people who are "in love" actually know what real love is? maybe to them its an infactuation. maybe its just lust. who knows? ..i dunno. its just a thought... but if i ever had to make a choice between living without love or death? i'd choose death in a heartbeat. and a thousand times over...

just be aware of the stakes when you choose to fall inlove... dont say i didnt warn you....

2. guys.

so i was talking to one of my friends. and my friend tell me, "guys are jerks". a simple statement. i didnt get it. i didnt think there was any basis for it... i shrugged it off initially.. i mean.. what kinda statement is that!? rite? but... i now know. guys ARE jerks. well.. with the exception of my darlings... hehe.. my dear brothers may act LIKE jerks.. but their not jerks. we all just have those moments. but underneith it all.. their not.

before whoever of you that ACTUALLY read this goes and explodes on me.. let me justify myself. most guys arent jerks. their sweethearts. i just happen to have the 'luxuary' of meeting all the jerks. well. better one meeting all these jerks and get hurt from them, then for everyone to meet one and be hurt... haha.. in the words of the bestest sister in the world? "bother my sister = parking lot discussions" so consider yourself warned, jerks of the world. and be prepared to meet death. and im so dead serious. enough is enough. im sick of all these jerks getting away with all the crap that other people hafta do for them. its now owed to them.

oh. and on another note... let it be official. Feb. 11, 8.13 pm. im breaking my eatting habit. enough is enough.

oks... SINCE im stuck on my lab... *grumble grumble...stupid chem....grumble grumble* heres to procrastination and cuz jess would like me to fill out one of these things... for once in my life apparnetly... and i dunno if she was specific or had a preference on WHICH one i did... so here i go.. haha.. and if this isnt what you watned jess... whoops.. too bad.... haha...

Who are you..?
||× w o u l d y o u r a t h e r ×||
1. ...pierce your nose or tongue? nose. definatly.. and i wouldtn change it... cuz that would be kinda gross... haha
2. ...be serious or be funny? umm.. i dunno.. serious? maybe? cuz i seem to be unable to be serious.. but then serious ppl scare me... so i dunno.....
3. ...boxers or briefs? umm.... neither...cuz im not a guy.. haha.... i like what i wear tho.. haha
4. ...drink whole or skim milk? skim.... if its chocolate milk!!! haha.. otherwise? 2%!!! haha

||× a r e y o o h ×||
5. ...single or taken? single. darn proud of it! rite dear?
6. ...simple or complicated? i dunno.. you tell me.. hahaha

||× d o y o o h p r e f e r ×||
8. ...flowers or angels? angels!!!!! i love my angels!!! *muah*
9. ...grey or gray? hmm....grey... it looks more nice and friendly... hahaha
10. ...colour or black-and-white photos? NEITHER!!! the brown-and-white ones!!!! they're like black & white, only its brown..ya know?
11. ...sunrise or sunset? both. the sky is SOO gorgeous!!! and you look at them and think.. wow. God's an AWSOME artist!
12. ...M&Ms or Skittles? M&M!!!!! who can resist chocolate? DEFINATLY not me.
13. ...rap or rock? ROCK!! DUH.. need you ask me?
14. ...staying up late or waking up early? depends on WHY im doing it... hahaha
15. ...TV or radio? for what? for a game? tv...
16. ...chocolate or vanilla? chocolate.. unless its vanilla extract.. ooh... soo yummy!!!
17. ...using Xs or Os in noughts and crosses? whats noughts and crosses? tic-tac-toe? then X.... they're just easier.. haha
18. ...water or soda? flavoured water.. mm.... SOOO good...
19. ...eating apples or oranges?? both? i dunno... i like them both.. haha

||× a n s w e r t r u t h f u l l y ×||
20. Do you have a crush? perhaps...
21. Who is it? if you needed to know, you would know... rite? *angelic smile* haha
22. ...being hot or cold? hot.... haha.... like down south somewhere.... mm..... OR!!!! up north with my friends in a WONDERFUL snowball fight.... thats fun too....
23. ...tall members of the opposite sex or short? tall.....well... not super tall or something.. haha. that would look funny...
24. ...sun or moon? the moon.. it's so pretty..
25. ...emeralds or rubies? emeralds cuz it's me. but rubies cuz of my dad... they just remind me of him... haha
26. ...having 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? 1 best friend... but im WAY luckier then that... rite gurls? ^.~
27. ...sun or rain? both. for different reasons. duh. haha
28. ...vanilla ice cream or chocolate?mint chocolate chip.. mmm.. hahaha
29. ...boys or girls? for what? i love my gurls, cuz they're the bestest. but guys are cool too. hense my many brothers.. they're ALL cool ppl. and if YOU dunno them? thats your loss... really.. im not kidding. they have a nack for pulling me out of my messes..rite angel?
30. ...green beans or carrots? carrots... but its SOO bad for me... i turn orange... haha.. i have a bad habit of eatting too much of them.. haha
31. ...low fat or fat free? low fat is better then super fat.. and fat free like my yogurt? EXCELLENT!!! you wouldnt know unless your read the label!
32. What is your biggest fear in the world? i think you know...but its not that important..
33. Kids or no kids? i already have kids.... so i guess that answers your question... their SOO cute!!! too bad i only see them once a week... IF that... *sigh*
34. Half empty or half full? half full.
35. Mustard or ketchup? ketchup... questions? hahha
36. Hard cover books or soft cover books? hmm.... soft... hardcover books hurt when you're trying to read them in bed...
37. Newspaper or magazines? neither? well.. maybe a mag... haha.. cant remember the last time i picked up either...
38. Sandals or sneakers? depends on the occasion.... but for a nice summer day? SANDALS!!!! hahaha
39. Wonder or amazement? whats the difference? amazement instills wonder, and wonder insills amazement....
40. Red car or white car? red. white cars need CONSTANT washing.. guess whose lazy? haha
41. Happy and poor or sad and rich? happy and poor... or.... EX sad and rich.. cuz you put that money into good use.. *hint hint* *nudge nudge* hahaha
42. Singing or dancing? hmm..... depends on whose around... haha lets not scar and/or kill others rite?
43. Hugging or kissing? depends whose it from
44. Corduroy or plaid? well.. depends... cuz a corduroy kilt will look kinda funny...
45. Happy or sad? to be happy and in a fantasy world? or to be sad, because you know the truth? hmm....
46. Purple or green? purple. definatly.
47. Blondes, brunettes or red heads? whats the diff?? its just hair color... you can always dye it...
48. What time is it? 3.11

||× y o o h ×||
Name? vic
Nicknames? you tell me... my brain hurts..haha altho "fatty" comes to mind.but thats probably just cuz i miss my alan..its been a while.
Number of candles on your last bday cake?ask my mommy... i dun think we counted them.. haha
Pets? *ahem*... silly lil boys... *sigh*
Height? SHORT.. common.. what did you expect?!?!? haha
Eye colour? depends on my mood and the lighting.. usually brown.. hahha...
Hair colour? alburn
Piercing? yep...

||× h a v e y o o h e v e r ×||
had the drink Calypso Breeze? hm... dun think so.
been in love? yep
been toilet-papering? does wrapping tp around people count?
loved somebody so much it made you cry? yeah.
what are your plans for school? i dun want school.... school hurts me!!!! *sniff sniff*
Where do you want to live? scarb. well... is it even scarb?? but its like bayview & shepard.. yeah. MY appartments... ^.~
What kind of job do you want? one where i can do what God wants me to do, and i can care for others..

||× h o o ×||
makes you laugh the most? lots of ppl... and me.. haha.. im such a klutz.. hahahah
is the sweetest? hm... my angel comes to mind...but then so do soo many other people...
is the shyest? ash.
the most outgoing? loads of them are!!!!
is the most fun to be around? hm... you know who you are!!! ^.~
do you go to for advice? depends on what it is.. i mean if its a gurly thing... ya know?? hhaa...
knows the most about you? i dun actually know.
has it easier--guys or girls? GUYS!!!!! omg!!!!!! soo not fair!!!!! oh wells... whatever.

||× w h i c h i s b e t t e r ×||
croutons or bacon bits? bacon bits!!
Mr. Pibb or Dr. Pepper? neither? cuz im not a HUGE fan of Dr. Pepper.. and i have no idea what Mr. Pibb is...
coffee or ice cream? how bout both? mm.... yummy... haha.. or just my tiramiseu... hahha
shampoo or conditioner? you cant just use one!!!!! shampoo opens the cuticles so the nasty stuff comes out... and conditioner closes those cuticles back up...
bridges or tunnels? hm... depends...
one pillow or two? i dunno...
Adidas or Nike? hmm....
Nike or vans? hmm...
Adidas or Reebok? hmm...
does it matter at all??? cuz they all have good stuff and crappy stuff.. its just WHAT you're comparing....

||× w o r d a s s o c i a t i o n ×|| (first thing that comes to mind)
flowers? roses.
green? grass... haha... that and jeffery.. hes OBESSED!!! hahaha...
crying? heart-wrentching. dun ask.. haha..
peanut butter? MOMMY!!!!
roses? oooh..... who are they from? ^.~ haha... more like PRETTY!!!! haha
spring? easter
summer? CAMPING!!!!!! and tubing... oh awsomeness... and the beech.. OH! WAY CAMP!!!! hahaha
fall? back to work *sigh*
winter? SNOW BALL FIGHTS!!! haha...

||× f a v o u r i t e s ×||
salad dressing? rasberry vinegrette <--thanx jess!
colour Socks? not just ONE color... cute socks dont come in one color!!
song at the moment? sustained. by sammi's bf. *.* hhehe
flowers? lillies... minus the bugs.. eww.. have you EVER picked lillies before?!? theres SOO much bugs in them! its GROSS!
colour? all shades of blue.. i havent found one thats nasty yet.. hahah
subject in school? procrastination. haha.. umm.. i dunno.. i like what im taking.. their just so hard & im too dumb for them
Alcoholic drink? oooh.... if you need to know, you'll know. hahha
Non-alcoholic drink? hmm...many. WAY too many to name...
Sport to watch? you mean the ONLY sport i watch? well... "only" cuz i do watch other ones. just not usually.... need you ask?? HOCKEY!!!! duh. hahah
Country song? um... i dun listen to that... so i wouldnt know... hahha
Disney character? belle. cuz she teaches the beast to love, and she loves the beast because of his heart... *sigh* haha..

||× r a n d o m q u e s t i o n s ×||
When was your last hospital check-in? when i was born?!
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? hmm.... maybe living with my grammie... maybe out on my own.. haha
Have you ever been convicted of a crime? YES. the crime of not loving enough. oh boy. thats a hard one to stand up to.
Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card? uhh... me? credit cards??? lets not go there...
What type of car do you drive now? you mean WHEN i get to drive? my baby..a corolla. hmm..is it me or did i spell it funny?
What do you do most often when you are bored? do i EVER get bored? small things amuse small minds. remeber that.
Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away from you? auntie chris.
What is your favourite kind of clothes? jeans!!!! haha... well.. im not liking this whole lets have my bum hang out fad rite now... but oh wells.. i'll manage... haha
Are you closed minded? sure? i dunno.. i dun get it.. haha
Are you open minded? sure? i dunno.. haha.. depends on how awake i am.. haha
Are you a player?of course. haha... (a player of WHAT?! i dun get this... )
Can you be in love with two people at the same time? yeah.... cuz God.. and S.O... rite? but you cant have 2 S.O.
Most Humiliating moment: haha... umm..... someone remind me? i forgot.. im not remembering..
Who do you think will respond to this fastest? no one. cuz i didnt send this out! haha
Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to send it back? everybody. haha... cuz i didnt send it out. DUH!

oks im done. time for timmies.. SOMEONE here needs a coffe... *ahem*.. but its not me.. cuz im an angel rite? RITE. i dun care what you said. it doesnt matter. hahaha and one thing that kinda struck something funny in me today was a past email from my friend that i happened to read today.. i didnt get it before, cuz i was blinded by everything else. but essentially what he says is "friends will always be your friends, no matter how far you are" so yeah.. i dunno.. its kinda a weird feeling more then ANYTHING.. yeha.. i dun really feel like explaining.. haha.. cuz you know me and explinations rite? haha

hmm.. new day, so new thoughts rite? haha... no. why does it hurt so much to miss someone? *shrugs* i dunno.. its kinda weird really... cuz so many of my "close" friends.. maybe we were really never close... its like all my other friends are closer to them then i am to them, and its kinda weird.... cuz their supposedly close to me... so its like hmm.... oh wells.. at least my friends get along with each other.. rite? oh wells. maybe this weird phase will pass... maybe it wont because this is whats ment to be... *sigh* ... as long as they're happy.....

you know what struck me today?

" unless the kingdom of God can be demonstrated as an autentic love, we have nothing to offer the world" ~ Pastor Sharon Tam

amazing. never thought of it like that...

oks... thanx to andrew's ingenious idea.. im bloggging now... so i dun forget.. cuz we all know how WONDERFUL my memory is rite? *grinz* hahah

oks.. so some of you know that i havent been doing so well lately... and for those of you that didnt know... yeah.. i havent been doing so well lately.. neways.. yesterday.. i tried to explain myself and my actions to one of my friends about the past. and i just couldnt do it. i was just writing part of it, and i just started crying. i couldnt write it. so i sent what i had written cuz i had promised to. so i just set myself to work cuz i have a lotta work to do (for those of you who arent in universtiy yet... let me just say.... DONT GET BEHIND!!!!!!! ) oks.. so i was doing work.. and i stoped... you see.. thats how it is with me... as long as life keeps on moving, im ok. it's just when life is paused or on hold for a lil bit that these negative things come to my mind. neways, so i tried the explaination of me again. the more i wrote, the more i disliked myself for what i had done. and i was like man, my other friend is right.. all i do is screw up other people's lives. so i was talking to andrew. and i told him. im gonna be gone. i was talking to my twinnie. and she just knew something was up. but i just couldnt tell her... weird huh? i just dunno why. i just couldnt tell her...

neways, after andrew found out what i was gonna do, he spent soo much effort trying to convince me otherwise. he tried to make me promise 2 things. one was to stay close to God, which i promised with great ease. the other? i couldnt promise him. and that was to stay close to at least one person. i just couldnt. now for those that know me well, im just one of those people that if you tore everyone away from me, i'd just die. but here i was. making that decision. as much as it would kill me and as much as i would rather die then to give up everyone, i chose to do that. in my twisted logic (cuz people usually dun think right when they're upset) i chose to give everyone up, so that they would no longer hurt. and it would just be me that hurted because i would hafta be seperated from everyone that i loved.

andrew had some good things to say to me last nite. was i listening? nope. i just couldnt see the truth in what he was saying. as i was talking to my dear fish brother... he convinced me that if i told my twinnie what was really going on, she'd understand it. and that tehre was nothing that i could really hid from her. i knew she knew that i was beating around some bush... in the words of my other twinnie, "if anyone does anymore beating around the bush, im gonna beat them with the bush!" so i told her. and it was good. in a way.. it was kinda like how things used to be. she would always know when i wasnt so good. but anyways.. back to the point. i went to bed shortly after. and i was reading this book that im reading with my class. well.... "reading with my class" cuz im soo behind.. but whatever. and it was amazing. it was just kinda like God hitting me in the head with truth and saying "silly child.. what ARE you doing?" to which, i just kinda hafta say " i dunno..." and give him an angelic smile.... well... as angelic as i get... haha.... which isnt very much.. hahha....

this morning i got up. and i felt so old. not just agewise.. but physically, i just felt SO old! i woke up aching all over... weird huh? but i woke up and i still had my baby in my arms.. so it was all good. hahaha.. (dun ask....) and it was weird. i picked up this book. its a devotional kinda thing. its called "streams in the desert". now honestly? i dun read from it. i just have it... it was a gift. but anyways. what the book was saying, was along the lines of what that book said last nite and what andrew was saying to me. so THAT gets you thinking rite? 2 books. same thing. hmm.. but i just shrugged it off.. iwas like meh. whatever.. cuz it couldnt mean that much rite? so i picked up this other book i've been neglecting. its called "my utmost for his highest" and yeah.. usually those two books have 2 completely irrelevent and differnt thigns that they talk about... so its kinda like hmm...cuz utmost usually talks about daily living and we could all use some pointers rite? and streams in the desert usually is just something else altogether. but ya know what? those 2 had the SAME thing to say.. how weird is that? so i was like hmm.. this is getting kinda odd.. so i just upted and showered. haha...

neways. i then come back. and guess what? i had an email. sure thats nothing special.. except, this email is from a friend thats not quite talking to me at the moment. and its kinda like weird.. cuz of why we're not talking.. but whatever. and my friend had the EXACT same thing to say to me. weird huh? 1. i get an email from my friend thats not quite talking to me and 2. the email was talking about what was already said to e like so many times.... like you gotta start wondering rite? so quick recap of the sources 1. andrew, 2. "the purpose driven life" by rick warren, 3. "streams in the desert" by l.b. cowman, 4. "my utmost for his highest" by oswald chambers, 5. the email from my friend thats not really talking to me. in that order. so 5 different people. 5 different aspects. 3 of them, i dun even know... 2 of which are dead.... 5 different trains of thought. all had to say the SAME thing to me. hmm... coiencidence? maybe if it was like 2 of them.... but like 5 of them?? in less then 12 hrs? AND i was sleeping durning part of that time??? i'd think not. what an awsome God we have. He never gives up. and He still speaks to his people. and hes patient.. im like super deaf to him or something... haha...

so now.. how am i? grateful to be in pain (hm... weird eh?? sounds like i wanna hurt myself or soemthing.... haha...) neways, parting thoughts...

cheers.

omg.. its like early and im falling asleep... *sigh* ok hun.. you were rite.. i was stressed.. cuz why else would i be so tired randomly??? *sigh* soo many things going on.... oh wells.... none of which i can remember rite at this instant... so here i am alan.. just for you ... and telling the world random things that im pretty sure they dun really care about.. haha... hmm.. whats new with my life? just missing some people... some cuz they just dun wana talk to me, so i cant really talk to them... some cuz they have a new and wonderful life now, and im happy for them.. but i miss them all the same.. and some just cuz i do.. with no reason to explain it other then i just miss them... oh wells... lets not be thinking about them all and end up crying again rite? haha... (thats only cuz i already had a talk about this with lil boy.. thanx for listening to granny... hahaha) and for the rest of you? DUN ASK. im not explaining it. hahaha

to the request of alan... i suppose i wont neglect my blog.. but whatever...
so...heres whats going on for those of you that just want a quick summary on my life.
whats on my mind?
- math test tomolo
- life.... and not like just my life.. but like life in general.. read silas' blog... you'll get it...
- my dearest alan... hes leaving me for a couple days... so yeah... oh wells
- my hun... hun's not doing so well these days.. but its ok.. cuz hun is comming over on sat..... *grins*
- boys.... specifically .... MY boys.... (is THAT better for you???? *ahem*... hahah)
- my friends... some... just... arent being them selves...
- stupid james... urgh... im gonna smack him... and no sammi.. not haily... like other james.. the scary one from here...


what i've lernt lately
- if you love someone, tell them... always be straight up with those around you.... its better in the end...theres no such time as the right time... whats wrong with now??? rite?
- "for those who believe, no proof is necessary. for those who don't no proof is possible" ~ unknown
i used to think that that was only for like pre-c and how we deal with them... but its not... in almost every
situation thats been thrown at me lately, thats what i always found myself saying... weird huh? i think i get now... i
think i finally understand it... so im slow.. big whoop. its not like you guys didnt already know....
- "you'll never know that God is all you need until God is all you got" ~ Rick Warren.
THAT is another one thats so true too... thats what i kinda learnt this year.. when it really really REALLY comes
down to it, God is all you got. and if you dun have Him, then you dun really have much of anything... ya know?or
maybe revert back the the previous quote... .hahah... circular reasoning.... the dumbest thing in the world.. cuz it
really proves nothing and it REALLY is impossible to argue.. hahaha...
- "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love"
that part of 1 Corinthians 13 never really hit me til i read part of "a love worth giving" cuz someone left it here...
*ahem* hahah (woa.. whats with me and *ahem*s?????) neways.. i cant really explain this.. cuz yeah.. it needs
context... and thats just a lil hard to explain in one go, to the world, so that they will understand.. but if you
wanna understand, find me.. i'll explain it then.. cuz everyperson understands something differently.. so yeah...
- "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
that verse is from II timothy 1:7.. its a lil freaky how i came accross it.. cuz this when you look it up (if you do) is
one of those verses that is most likely to be missed my most ppl... welll... so i think.. but yeah.. it was just odd...
wonderfully amazing, cuz God used lil boy to tell me to look this up... and it was JUST what i needed... so i think lil
boy for listening to God, regardless of what i would think of him.... and i thank God for showing me that passage....
yeah.. ask lil boy... he knows whats going on... so i think... but whatever.. or find me.. but you know me and my
memory rite? its not as bad as dorys, but its almost there.. haha...

i think thats all i hafta say... and so im gonna go to bed before dear gets mad at me or something... haha...

People walk into your life and some people walk out.
Some leave footprints and some leave scars.
Actions done in our anger returns to haunt us.
Actions done; words said; thoughts and feelings should always be apporached with a clear head, an open mind and a calm heart.
Wounds will heal - if you let it.
Picking at scabs and cutting deer into wounds disallows one to heal.
Guilt and hatred bounded around one`s neck will hurt, shatter, and at times, kill a person.
Words, facial expressions, tone, actions, implied thoughts, rigid opinions have a more profound effect then the portrayer and implier understands or knows. Thinking clutters the truth, assumptions cause pain.
So why think.
why assume?
why give opinions?
why ask for opinions when they aren`t even heard?
why, why, why?
Why is a good question.
A question that can never be answered, explained or reasoned.
People come and go all the time.
Treasure thouse aroud you. Never lose sight of yourlsef and keep yourself grounded.
To mearly exist is soemtimes, the only solution a person can have.
No thoughts, no words, no opinions, no feelings.
A blank stare, looking into this world.
The greatest mistake is to loose yourself.

those where the thoughts of the innocent me. now that i see what i do to other people, i just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have been in my life. and each and every day i will remember you and think of you. thanks to one of my friends who made me realize what i did to other people, it is time to take my leave. for those of you that dont know what my friend said, he said, " i was an A student...and then i met you" how can i continue? theres no other way to put it... my friend put it as eloquently as you can put it... i screwed up my friends life. wonderful friend i am eh? in the words of Jesse Yi, "Do it because you want to make a difference in a person`s life." and the best differencei can make in a perons life, is to undo the damage. so this is me, saying thank you for all you have done for me, and im sorry for all i did for you and to you. maybe someday in the future we`ll meet up again, and this time around, i wont mess up the lives of those around me.

loving you and missing you, because there is no other way.
--vic