oks.. so some of you know that i havent been doing so well lately... and for those of you that didnt know... yeah.. i havent been doing so well lately.. neways.. yesterday.. i tried to explain myself and my actions to one of my friends about the past. and i just couldnt do it. i was just writing part of it, and i just started crying. i couldnt write it. so i sent what i had written cuz i had promised to. so i just set myself to work cuz i have a lotta work to do (for those of you who arent in universtiy yet... let me just say.... DONT GET BEHIND!!!!!!! ) oks.. so i was doing work.. and i stoped... you see.. thats how it is with me... as long as life keeps on moving, im ok. it's just when life is paused or on hold for a lil bit that these negative things come to my mind. neways, so i tried the explaination of me again. the more i wrote, the more i disliked myself for what i had done. and i was like man, my other friend is right.. all i do is screw up other people's lives. so i was talking to andrew. and i told him. im gonna be gone. i was talking to my twinnie. and she just knew something was up. but i just couldnt tell her... weird huh? i just dunno why. i just couldnt tell her...
neways, after andrew found out what i was gonna do, he spent soo much effort trying to convince me otherwise. he tried to make me promise 2 things. one was to stay close to God, which i promised with great ease. the other? i couldnt promise him. and that was to stay close to at least one person. i just couldnt. now for those that know me well, im just one of those people that if you tore everyone away from me, i'd just die. but here i was. making that decision. as much as it would kill me and as much as i would rather die then to give up everyone, i chose to do that. in my twisted logic (cuz people usually dun think right when they're upset) i chose to give everyone up, so that they would no longer hurt. and it would just be me that hurted because i would hafta be seperated from everyone that i loved.
andrew had some good things to say to me last nite. was i listening? nope. i just couldnt see the truth in what he was saying. as i was talking to my dear fish brother... he convinced me that if i told my twinnie what was really going on, she'd understand it. and that tehre was nothing that i could really hid from her. i knew she knew that i was beating around some bush... in the words of my other twinnie, "if anyone does anymore beating around the bush, im gonna beat them with the bush!" so i told her. and it was good. in a way.. it was kinda like how things used to be. she would always know when i wasnt so good. but anyways.. back to the point. i went to bed shortly after. and i was reading this book that im reading with my class. well.... "reading with my class" cuz im soo behind.. but whatever. and it was amazing. it was just kinda like God hitting me in the head with truth and saying "silly child.. what ARE you doing?" to which, i just kinda hafta say " i dunno..." and give him an angelic smile.... well... as angelic as i get... haha.... which isnt very much.. hahha....
this morning i got up. and i felt so old. not just agewise.. but physically, i just felt SO old! i woke up aching all over... weird huh? but i woke up and i still had my baby in my arms.. so it was all good. hahaha.. (dun ask....) and it was weird. i picked up this book. its a devotional kinda thing. its called "streams in the desert". now honestly? i dun read from it. i just have it... it was a gift. but anyways. what the book was saying, was along the lines of what that book said last nite and what andrew was saying to me. so THAT gets you thinking rite? 2 books. same thing. hmm.. but i just shrugged it off.. iwas like meh. whatever.. cuz it couldnt mean that much rite? so i picked up this other book i've been neglecting. its called "my utmost for his highest" and yeah.. usually those two books have 2 completely irrelevent and differnt thigns that they talk about... so its kinda like hmm...cuz utmost usually talks about daily living and we could all use some pointers rite? and streams in the desert usually is just something else altogether. but ya know what? those 2 had the SAME thing to say.. how weird is that? so i was like hmm.. this is getting kinda odd.. so i just upted and showered. haha...
neways. i then come back. and guess what? i had an email. sure thats nothing special.. except, this email is from a friend thats not quite talking to me at the moment. and its kinda like weird.. cuz of why we're not talking.. but whatever. and my friend had the EXACT same thing to say to me. weird huh? 1. i get an email from my friend thats not quite talking to me and 2. the email was talking about what was already said to e like so many times.... like you gotta start wondering rite? so quick recap of the sources 1. andrew, 2. "the purpose driven life" by rick warren, 3. "streams in the desert" by l.b. cowman, 4. "my utmost for his highest" by oswald chambers, 5. the email from my friend thats not really talking to me. in that order. so 5 different people. 5 different aspects. 3 of them, i dun even know... 2 of which are dead.... 5 different trains of thought. all had to say the SAME thing to me. hmm... coiencidence? maybe if it was like 2 of them.... but like 5 of them?? in less then 12 hrs? AND i was sleeping durning part of that time??? i'd think not. what an awsome God we have. He never gives up. and He still speaks to his people. and hes patient.. im like super deaf to him or something... haha...
so now.. how am i? grateful to be in pain (hm... weird eh?? sounds like i wanna hurt myself or soemthing.... haha...) neways, parting thoughts...
cheers.
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