in my utmost blahness today, i remembered a line from one of the worlds best movies, The Sound of Music. theres this one line that Julie Andrew says when she leaves the convent. she says:

"When one door shuts, somewhere a window opens"

one of the BEST lines ever. funny how i havent seen this movie in at least 2 years and yet i remember it.. *sigh*im going home to watch it. eventually. haha

URGH! no more math!!!!! please!!!!!

anyone seen my banana clip?? sammi? do you know where it is?? i...uh.. misplaced it...haha.. the ONE moment i can get my hair to work for it, it decides its gonna go for a walk... *sigh*

what else? oh yeah. i live with crazy people... dun ask... house 202 is on crack or something.. maybe even dry wall... haha... remember those days tabbies? haha. oh boy. those were WACKED times man...

anyways.. i got 2 emails today that were important. 1 was just silly and made me laugh.. something i needed.. if you want it, tell me.. i shall send it to ya... its not one of those"lets post it up" things... cuz its pics after pics after pics... and yeah... my blog doesnt like my pics or SOMETHING.. *sigh* and the other email? it was something God sent. here. this one is ALL words.. so maybe it'll actually show up :P <-- at blogger. haha...warning tho.. its LONG... :D

There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit. Eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak..."I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright. I stopped the lad and asked, "What you got there, son?" "Just some old birds," came the reply.

"What are you gonna do with them?" I asked.

"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease 'em and pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time." "But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do?"

"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take 'em to them."

The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds, son?"

"Huh?? !!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even pretty!"

"How much?" the pastor asked again.

The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"

The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone.

The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting them free.

Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story.

One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting. "Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"

"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.

Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"

"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus asked. "Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly. "How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.

"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"

"How much?" He asked again.

Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."

Jesus said, "DONE!"

Then He paid the price.

The pastor picked up the cage he opened the door and he walked from the pulpit.

Notes:

Isn't it funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.

Isn't it funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).

Isn't it funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing?

Isn't it funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.

Isn't it funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.

its a famaliar story for me. my mother had sent this to me a while ago. but it didnt hit me as much today. if you thought THIS was long... there was more to the email. as i scrolled back up, through the lines and lines of text, something caught my eye. it was the verse from Phillipians 4:13. for those of you that dun wanna look it up, here it is. in MANY different translations.. because each translation will strike a different chord in your heart, each will speak to you differently.

~ I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (NIV)
~ I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (NASB)
~ Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. (MSG)
~ I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].(AMP)
~ For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. (NLT)
~ I can do all things because Christ gives me the strength.(NLV)
~ Christ gives me the strength to face anything. (CEV)

and having that caught my eye in my time of desperation and fustration and wanting to give up, i became curious. i wanted to know why this verse of all verses was mentioned. it said

God, when I received this e-mail, I thought...
I don't have time for this... And, this is really inappropriate during work.

Then, I realized that this kind of thinking is... Exactly, what has caused lot of the problems in our world today.

We try to keep God in church on Sunday morning...

Maybe, Sunday night...

And, the unlikely event of a midweek service.

We do like to have Him around during sickness...

And, of course, at funerals.

However, we don't have time, or room, for Him during work or play...

Because... That's the part of our lives we think... We can, and should, handle on our own.

May God forgive me for ever thinking...

That... there is a time or place where...

HE is not to be FIRST in my life.

We should always have time to remember all HE has done for us.

If, You aren't ashamed to do this...

Please follow the directions.

Jesus said, "If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father."

Not ashamed?

Pass this on ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT!!

Yes, I do Love God.

HE is my source of existence and Savior.

He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I will be nothing. Without Him, I am nothing. But, with Christ, HE strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)

so for those of you who are like me and wanting to just thow in the towel and give up? dont. the fight has JUST begun. *fearce look* haha.. oks.. so my "fearce" look isnt so fearce... haha.. but hey. i tried! in the words of william hung which my father loves to repeat, "i tried my best, i have no regrets" haha...

someone make this math stop.

its hurting my head.

my heads gonna explode.

no more.

*sigh*

drive me to the nursing home joel. im done school now. i quit. they win. too bad. for me.

so me in my non-math-but-must-do-math, took a "break" which led me to reading a letter i had received from my friend, a while back. and in this letter, my friend reminded me of.. wait. let me make a list. it'll be long. haha.

things my friend reminded me:

~ who i really am
~ who truely loves me
~ the fun times we had... remember? "you're giving me a hernia!!" ..dun ask.. haha...
~ one of my fave verses, which also happens to be the memory verse this term...matt 11:28-30
~ to not give up hope
~ to have faith, even tho logically it doesnt make sense to.

you see. its a lot said on one piece of loose leaf paper. my friend also told me to look up 1 samuel 2:1-2. for those of us who dun feel like looking up these references, theres http://www.biblegateway.com or theres here.

matthew 11:28-30:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

1 samuel 2:1-2:

Then Hannah prayed and said:

"My heart rejoices in the LORD ;
in the LORD my horn [1] is lifted high.
My mouth boasts over my enemies,
for I delight in your deliverance.

2 "There is no one holy [2] like the LORD ;
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.

you see. God is our rock. he is our sure foundation that will never fail up. we're only humans. we will fail. its that simple. we're flawed because we're human. and in being human, we will fail. theres this one song. its one of my mommy's fav and i ABSOLUTELY love it. it's called "The Greatest Love of All"

I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I will live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity

Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

And I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I will live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity

Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

you see how it says "find your strength in love"? guess what? God IS love.. so find your strength in him. we are Gods children. they cant take away our dignity because our dignity is in God and they can never seperate us from that. theres a verse in Romans. and i guess i'll just end with this.

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died--more than that, who was raised to life--is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

oh boy. weirdest weekend. 3 days. wore a skirt for the WHOLE day on all 3 days. oh boy. whats wrong with me? like oh dear. someone figure out whats wrong with me! like woa... 1. me? in a skirt? 2. for 3 days? 3. for 3 days IN A ROW?!?!! woa!!! crazyness. but back to my jeans tomolo. YES! haha.

my friends got married. soo cute. SUCH a cute wedding. indeed it was a long day. indeed i was SOO tired... but thats besides the point. guess what? they dated for 11 years. THATS right. ELEVEN years!!! oh boy.. like woa. thats SOO long. and they've known each other for 14 years... like woa... but yeah.. what a long long time. *sigh* but its soo cute! oh! and on top of that.. guess what? their vows? soo sweet... and cute... and adorable... and awwww.......... but i didnt cry.. i ALMOST did... but i DIDNT! haha..

so im kinda screwed as far as math goes. whoops. oh wells. back to the ginde... *sigh* oh! btw! someone do me a fav and take carms out for shots!!!! cuz other wise she'll hafta wait like 6 weeks before i can take her.... so yeah.. take her for shots!!!! hahaha sorry carms.. still luv ya. haha

*sigh* what a day today. like 3 hrs on like fixing 3 math problems.. *sigh* some one reminde me why im in a math course??? *sigh* oh! before i forget!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Time has come to spread the word

YPC of MSBC will be hosting a Conference this coming May (7-8).
It will be combined with our 24-hour worship and prayer event,
affectionately called W24. The theme for our conference is
"Awake." There will be speakers, worship, ministry, workshops
and intimate time with the Father.

So spread the word and invite those you know. And come
fellowship with us as we draw deeper into the heart of the
Father.


AWAKE
******

"Awake to make known the truths that God has revealed. To usher
in His desires for an intimate relationship fueled by the fire
of His passion. Embrace in the Father's love, to be intimate
with the One they call Christ Jesus."

Theme:
The Truth, Reality, and Nature of the Heart of God for His
Church.



Conference Details:
********************
Date - May 7th, starting at 7pm
- May 8th, starting at 10am
W24 - May 7th 10pm to May 8th 10pm

Malaysian Singaporean Bible Church
288 Cummer Avenue
Willowdale, Ontario

so yeah.. if ya want more stuff on it.. let me know.. and i shall ask someone about it who shall then ask someone else about it.. and if the speaker im thinking of is going it'll be amazing. i heard him speak today and it was WONDERFUL.. like woa. haha.. so yeah. go out and see it.. it should be pretty cool!!! haha..

so. today, i thought about what lil boy said to me. something along the lines of "how will you know?" and m long winded speel on what my mother told me. funny how i was thinking about this while i was talking to a *boy* ^.~ yeah lil boy.. THAT one. hahaha.. anways.. funny also how i got this fwd today.. im sure you have all seen it before.. but...

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?

Saying something & wishing you hadn't?, or
Saying nothing & wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.
Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them.
If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.

Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?

Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own........when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we
don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.

But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.

Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.

* What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye?
*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if it is that you don't care anymore)
*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?
*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?*

anyways.. today... wonderful day.. like soo nice and warm!!! a skirt tomolo? o.0 haha... time to be a gurl and do gurl things... 2 more sleeps!!! haha.. and twinnies? where ARE you? *sigh* will you STOP being busy with FRED?? and can you please stop your ludacris painting for a minuet? :D pretty please? for ya twinnie? haha.. whenever you get this gurls.. FIND ME :D (cuz theres a certain lil impatient boy that wants to know but he cant know until you gurls know) ^.~

all i gotta say is, will someone PLEASE go smack poe!?!??! grr.. stupid labs!!! i swear. the death of us all! *sigh* and lil boy? i WILL tell ya... twinnies.. find me... slight announcment, sides my baby gurl.. which you know about already. hmm.. what else is new.. im not sure.. but this kinda made me go :s hmm. haha.. here.

True or False: Can you guess which of the following are true or false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!
6. Only seven ( 7 ) per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
Answers: ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE

and how scary is that? *sigh* woa. oh wells.

oks.. STUPIDEST thing today.. its not even 7 yet.. and i already had a screwed up msn convo.. but this is with some weird kid that added me that i have no idea who he is.. like WHA?!?!?!? apparently i know and im trying to send him some stupid virus... so its like uhh... rite. whatever. some of the stupidest ppl are who you'll meet on line... like this stupid kid whose nice to me one minuet and super angry at me the next and i STILL have no idea who he is... funny eh? oks. heres the WHOLE convo. complete. uncut. unaltered. read it and tell me whatchya think. im thinking hes NUTS. but whatever... (and if someone knows him... uh.. sorry.. i just think hes nuts...)

{RiCkY} says:who are you
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:you added me..
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:so why are you asking me who i am?
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:i should be asking who you are!
{RiCkY} says:you emaild me
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:i emailed you?
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says: :S
{RiCkY} says:yes
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:how did i get your email then?
{RiCkY} says:i don't know
{RiCkY} says:you emailed me
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:well if i dont know and you dont know then whats going on??
{RiCkY} says:you just sent me a fucking email
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:oh oks.
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:wel... im sorry????
{RiCkY} says:ok
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:but how am i sending you an email if i dont know who you are or if i dont even know about it?!
{RiCkY} says:i dont' know i looked at the email and it was vickees@hotmail.com so...
{RiCkY} says:do you even live in b.c.?
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:no....
{RiCkY} says:canada?
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:yeah...
{RiCkY} says:oh ok
{RiCkY} says:do you have a picture?
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:who are you?
{RiCkY} says:i just want to know who you are if you sent me a email
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:and i just want to know whose randomly adding me...
{RiCkY} says:you randomly sent me a email that had a virus so fuck off
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:excuse you.
{RiCkY} says:no
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:1. im not some sick psycho sending other people emails
{RiCkY} says:excuse you for being so retarded
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:2. i dont send virus around
0.0 <--who wants to pick an outfit for me??? says:screw you

so then i blocked him.. cuz hes nuts. well i think hes nuts.. what do you guys think? like uhh... ok then... but at least THIS time, they spoke english.. which is nice... from those other odd ones... oh wells.. back to my stupid lab.. grr..

oks.. so today was a not so special day.. that is... until i get this one msg from my dear brother. he said:

"VICKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME OFF TO WORLDS
sweet deal eh?
and guess wut?
1 week for tounament.... and another week after is dad is going to bring me and mom to hong kong to go shopping"

SO not fair! i wanna go!!! but guess what? apparently i have school... stupid school! ALWAYS gets in the way of things! *sigh*.. on the up side? i'll have the WHOLE house to me. but the down side? i wanna go to hk!! *sigh* anways.. i was writting my super long huge note, in THE notebook. and if you dont know about it then consider yourself informed. and if you dont get it, then dont worry about it. cuz it probably doesnt concern you... now why does that word look so funny to me? hm... how DO you spell probably? anways.. whatever. i got this email from someone wise. that know i needed to read it. here.

The Fisherman Story
Our house was directly across the street from the clinic entrance of Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. We lived downstairs and rented the upstairs rooms to out-patients at the clinic. One summer evening as I was fixing supper, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to see a truly awful looking man. "Why, he's hardly taller than my eight-year-old," I thought, as I stared at the stooped, shriveled body.

But the appalling thing was his face -- lopsided from swelling, red and raw. Yet his voice was pleasant as he said, "Good evening. I've come to see if you've a room for just one night. I came for a treatment this morning from the eastern shore, and there's no bus 'til morning." He told me he'd been hunting for a room since noon but with no success, no one seemed to have a room. "I guess it's my face... I know it looks terrible, but my doctor says with a few more treatments..."

For a moment I hesitated, but his next words convinced me: "I could sleep in this rocking chair on the porch. My bus leaves early in the morning."

I told him we would find him a bed, but to rest on the porch. I went inside and finished getting supper. When we were ready, I asked the old man if he would join us. "No, thank you. I have plenty." And he held up a brown paper bag.

When I had finished the dishes, I went out on the porch to talk with him a few minutes. It didn't take a long time to see that this old man had an oversized heart crowded into that tiny body. He told me he fished for a living to support his daughter, her five children, and her husband, who was hopelessly crippled from a back injury. He didn't tell it by way of complaint; in fact, every other sentence was prefaced with a thanks to God for a blessing. He was grateful that no pain accompanied his disease, which was apparently a form of skin cancer. He thanked God for giving him the strength to keep going. At bedtime, we put a camp cot in the children's room for him.

When I got up in the morning, the bed linens were neatly folded and the little man was out on the porch. He refused breakfast, but just before he left for his bus haltingly, as if asking a great favor, he said, "Could I please come back and stay the next time I have a treatment? I won't put you out a bit. I can sleep fine in a chair." He paused a moment and then added, "Your children made me feel at home. Grownups are bothered by my face, but children don't seem to mind." I told him he was welcome to come again.

And on his next trip he arrived a little after seven in the morning. As a gift, he brought a big fish and a quart of the largest oysters I had ever seen. He said he had shucked them that morning before he left so that they'd be nice and fresh. I knew his bus left at 4 a.m. and I wondered what time he had to get up to do this for us.

In the years he came to stay overnight with us there was never a time he did not bring us fish or oysters or vegetables from his garden. Other times we received packages in the mail, always by special delivery; fish and oysters packed in a box of fresh young spinach or kale, every leaf carefully washed. Knowing that he must walk three miles to mail these, and knowing how little money he had made the gifts doubly precious.

When I received these little remembrances, I often thought of a comment our next-door neighbor made after he left that first morning. "Did you keep that awful looking man last night? I turned him away! You can lose roomers by putting up such people!" Maybe we did lose roomers once or twice, but oh, if only they could have known him, perhaps their illnesses would have been easier to bear. I know our family always will be grateful to have known him, from him we learned what it was to accept the bad without complaint and the good with gratitude to God.

Recently I was visiting a friend who has a greenhouse, as she showed me her flowers, we came to the most beautiful one of all, a golden chrysanthemum, bursting with blooms. But to my great surprise, it was growing in an old dented, rusty bucket. I thought to myself, "If this were my plant, I'd put it in the loveliest container I had!"
My friend changed my mind. "I ran short of pots," she explained," and knowing how beautiful this one would be, I thought it wouldn't mind starting out in this old pail. It's just for a little while, till I can put it out in the garden."

She must have wondered why I laughed so delightedly, but I was imagining just such a scene in heaven. "Here's an especially beautiful one," God might have said when he came to the soul of the sweet old fisherman. "He won't mind starting in this small body." lf this happened long ago - and now, in God's garden, how tall and lovely his soul must stand.

The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." (Samuel 16:7b)

so the summary? TO SEE TRUE BEAUTY, LOOK INWARD!!! SEIZE THE DAY!!! and its kinda weird.. i never got an email that said that to me... hm... but yeah.. the story was very touching. oh! and for those of us stuck in this horid place known as "school" *shudders* this mite apply to you. haha

25 WAYS TO TELL THAT THE SEMESTER IS DRAGGIN' ON TOO LONG
1. Shaving becomes more and more optional by the day.
2. You get more sleep in class than you do in your bed.
3. You can no longer distinguish your bank balance from your GPA.
4. You actually think, "If I were diagnosed with Pneumonia, I could get a doctor's note excusing me from finals!"
5. You can't say the word "Lab" without qualifying it with some kind of profanity.
6. You spend more time calculating the lowest possible mark you can afford to get on your final exam than you spend studying for it.
7. You only wash dirty dishes when they outweigh you.
8. The tomatoes in your fridge have become sentiment.
9. The first thought you have when you wake up is "20 more hours and I can go back to sleep!"
10. MasterCard is now master over you!
11. You forget to pay rent, hydro and phone bills. But you'll do anything to ensure cable (and internet) isn't disconnected.
12. Your concept of cleaning the toilet is "Aim for the stain"!
13. Those "Train At Home For A Better Career" commercials seem like a viable alternative to your course of study.
14. Being a stand up Comedian seems like a viable alternative to your course of study.
15. Being a Professional wrestler seems like a viable alternative to your course of study.
16. Your IQ exceeds your body weight. But you're just as stupid as you've always been.
17. "Tearing your hair out" used to be a figure of speech.
18. Just about anything constitutes a healthy meal provided that you drink it with milk.
19. You are briefly convinced that your inability to get dates is actually a blessing because you don't have time for it.
20. 3 meals in one day is special occasion.
21. You memorize acronyms you learned in class and use them regularly. But have no idea what they mean.
22. You can't remember a concept you learned last semester, but you can quote word-for-word an episode of the Simpsons you saw two years ago.
23. "Catching the news" means watching Sportsdesk while eating breakfast.
24. The only thing that keeps you from causing your roommate serious physical harm is the fact that the Hydro is in his name.
25.You begin to remember high school as the best years of your life - in other words, you've become delusional
26. Lists like this actually describe your life.

and thats all i hafta say.. unless you guys want the "he said, she said" like omg. thats hilarious. that seriously made my day like a couple days ago.. and i should have it still... key word? should. haha.

oh today. interesting really. for one thing? for the last time guys.. that was HOT CHOCOLATE!!!!!! and not coffee.. i cant afford to be drinking coffee when the wedding is a week away... JZ boys! you SHOULDA known that!!!... but i guess not. oh wells. what can i do? *sigh*

and for those of you that NEED to know. yeah.. i have a lil gurl... shes 6 months old.. ask gabe. he knows all about her.. well.. "knows" he hasnt seen her yet.. but yeah.. ask him... or me.. but yeah.. ask him if you dont believe me.. and no. im not a hoe. i know who the father is... :P regardless of what you think gabe!!!! haha.. silly gabe. do i look like a hoe to you!? oh wait. dont even answer that. :P you're SOO not funny.

hm... what else is so cool about my day? JEN CALLED ME!!!!! yay!!!!! we just havent talked in so long. so its cool that she called. anways.. my friend sent this to me.. and its kinda cool. heres a list of things that people usually find makes them happy, err.. at least smile, cuz im sure theres gonna be at least one or two that will hit you in a way that will remind you of some past pain, but hopefully it will always make you smile because you're also remembering the happy times that came before the pain. here.

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!) (or strawberry)
13. A long distance phone call.
14. A bubble bath.
15. Giggling.
16. A good conversation.
17 The beach
18. Finding a 20 note in your coat from last winter.
19. Laughing at yourself.
20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
21. Running through sprinklers.
22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
24. Laughing at an inside joke.
25. Friends.
26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
28. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
30. Playing with a new puppy.
31. Having someone play with your hair.
32. Sweet dreams.
33. Hot chocolate.
34. Road trips with friends.
35. Swinging on swings.
36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking your favorite tipple.
37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.
38. Going to a really good concert.
39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger
40. Winning a really competitive game.
41. Making chocolate chip cookies...
42. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
43. Spending time with close friends.
44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
45. Holding hands with someone you care about.
46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change
47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
48. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
49. Watching the sunrise.
50. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

one thing i question is the last one... getting out of bed and being grateful?? haha.. cuz if you're like me.. you're like urgh.. class... or else.. you're like urgh.. mommy... why are you calling so early?! i JUST went to bed!!!! haha.. oh wells.. but i guess its good when you wake up after a GOOD nights rest.. which seems to not happen to me... anways. parting wishes...

1.To My Friends Who Are...........SINGLE

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

2.To My Friends Who Are............NOT SO SINGLE

Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person." It's about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

3.To My Friends Who Are............PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE

Never say "I love you" if you don't care. Never talk about feelings if they aren't there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never look in the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall and it works both ways...

4.To My Friends Who Are............MARRIED

Love is not about "it's your fault", but "I'm sorry." Not "where are you", but "I'm right here." Not "how could you", but "I understand." Not "I wish you were", but "I'm thankful you are."

5.To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED

The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how good you are for each other.

6.To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN

Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

7.To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE

How to be in love: Fall but don't stumble, be consistent but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, and get hurt but never keep the pain.

8.To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE

It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but it's more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

9.To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS

Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.

10.To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON

A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn't worth it. If he isn't worth it now he's not going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now. Let go.....

11.TO ALL MY FRIENDS.......

My wish for you is a man/women whose love is honest, strong, mature, never-changing, uplifting, protective, encouraging, rewarding and unselfish.

ANYWAY I WISH U ALL A GOODLUCK

well i dont know which one applies to you specifically.. but i hope that you're happy with where you are, becuase God put you there for a reason. rite? no matter what thingermabobber is in your way, dont worry.. you wouldnt have gotten to it if God didnt think you would live past it to tell about it rite? (hmm... is it me or does that seem very negative? hmm...) oh wells.. just remember. the road is long, the path is hard, but in the end, it is worth the fight.

i had a VERY interesting phone call today. a wise man said to me " don't give up on your friends" and then proceeded to tell me "remember what you told me? hindesight is 20/20" thanx jon {jon ting for those of you that need clarification...}. you're the best. you rock my world. some of my friends, im giving up on. i mean, why bother to explain something to them, when they already have their minds set on a certain opinion? but you know what? sure it wont matter to them if they know what im thinking... but maybe it'll matter to me. maybe i need to tell them regardless, maybe they'll understand this feeling like poultry, where food is shoved into them, regardless of if they are hungry or not... except farmers do it to poultry so that they have more goods to sell, and the meat is more tender. why are my friends doing it? ask them.

oks.... i thinki need to retract my "stupid american boys" statement. at first, it was going to be expanded to "stupid boys" but then since the american boys arent so stupid anymore, then its not all boys are so stupid rite? so i dont know what to call this.. hmm.... "stupid boys minus american boys"???? but i must say. i must stand by my "boys are stupid...throw stones at them" haha... although im sure that would hurt like MAD but oh wells.. not like im gonna be chucking stones at ppl anytime soon... you see.. to do that, you'd hafta beable to pick them up. hahah... lets just say fatty doesnt do so well in physical activity.. ahhaa..

"if you love something let it go... if it doesnt come back to you, it was never really yours"you see. thats what i finally understood fully today. ask yourself this. what have price have i paid? then ask yourself why you truely paid that price. was it because of a selfish reason? was it because of fear? or was it because you loved?

many ppl will come and go in your life. its a known fact. think of your best friends from kindergarten. think of your best friends now. in my experience? one friendship i have lost and regained is with julie. thanx gurl for ALWAYS being there. you're the best! through it all, shes always been there. but look at everyone else that was there at alexmuir? how many of those people do i still talk to? yeah. look at me and wendy's friendship. sure we went through our ups and downs, but then what relationship doesn't? some days its good. some days its bad. but throught it all, shes been there. what other of my friends from that dreaded school do i still talk to? (minus sisquo... cuz he just keeps talking to me... and nelly... cuz in his words: '[he's] very 8' haha.

many ppl will also turn on you. and im not gonna give examples, cuz im sure you have your own.. and if not.. then let me tell you im VERY jealous. but thats ok. cuz its only me. and what difference does it make if im jealous or not of you? chances are that you wont care. but its all good. rite?

i guess whats kinda going on in my head are the songs "perfect" by simiple plan, and "forever" by vertical horizon. and if you dunno what im talking about, then you can read the lyrics.

Forever ~ Vertical Horizon
Take these roses all from me
Let me live, let me be
For a little while
Let my eyes,
See everything and nothing in their time
I do not mind

Who've guess I'd learn
To let the walls around me burn
Light up the hillside
My words, I ate them for so long and nothing changed
It was just the same

And I don't know if you see me
But I can tell you your face is clear
I will see you...

Forever
Forever
I will see you
Forever
Forever

Call me close once again
Call me teacher, call me friend
Just like the first time
Call my name, it echos around me in this room
Its all you

I don't know if you hear me there
But it's dark so no one cares
I will hear you...

Forever
Forever
I will hear you
Forever
Forever

I wanted you to be everything to me
Now I've got to learn to carry on
I know I cannot hide this emptiness inside
But nothing is the same since you've gone

Send me letters from above
Send me strength, send me love
Such sweet love
Sing me songs that echo in my head and in my heart
That's where you are

And I don't know if you feel me here
I can tell you one thing that's clear
I will feel you...

Forever
Forever
I will feel you
Forever
Forever
I will hear you
Forever
Forever
I will see you
Forever
Forever

Take these roses all from me
Let me live, let me be

Perfect ~ simple plan

Hey dad look at me.
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time...
Doing things I wanna do
But it hurts when you disapprove all along.

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

theres this one quote. it says "Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." but if you paid the price of friendship...why are you paying that price? you see, that is a very high price to pay. if you choose to pay the price of friendship, let me tell you. it is a very high price to pay. one thing that puzzled me was this one quote. it says "if you think about everybody, then you'll start missing them" and how true is that. if its in your face, you're only gonna remember the horid price you paid day in and day out. i probably dont make too much sense... probably shouldnt have done a couple of things tonite... a lil too late for that... anyways, i guess what im saying is, take the time to listen to your friends. trust me. in the end, it makes this "payment" if you wish to call it that, so much more easier. because you at least know in the end that what you paid wasnt futile... and that what you did was right and that they know what you did was right. i think thats what i struggle with. but whatever. its not like it matters rite? let me ask you a question. when it comes down to it, what TRUELY matters? thought provoking isnt it?

when will my world stop fighting? when will my insides stop fighting? why is half my world telling me i did right, and the other half telling me i did wrong? we ARE told to forgive. but are we told to dismiss the pain? i was listening to this VERY old song... it goes WAY back.. and chances are you havent heard it. but yeah. anyways. its a trilogy. and one just flows into the other. VERY beautiful.

The Other Side of Me (Trilogy 1)
If they were to write about
The story of my life
They would have to mention you
With every page they'd write
There's another side to every story told
If I were the ocean
You would be the shore
And one without the other one
Would be needing something more
We are the shadow and the light

Always love me
(And) never leave me now
(And) now you are the other side of me
Always love me
(And) never leave me now
(And) now you are the other side of me

I have known the emptiness
Of feeling out of touch
And living life without you here
Would be living half as much
Cause I've a need that only you can fill

If love was mathematical
You'd understand the sum
to the heart's equation
Where one and one makes one
And lonely equals me minus you

Always love me
(And) never leave me now
(And) now you are the other side of me
Always love me
(And) never leave me now
(And) now you are the other side of me

Breathe In Me (Trilogy 2)
You breathe in me
And I'm alive
With the power of your holiness
You breathe in me
And you revive
Feelings in my soul
That I have laid to rest

So breathe in me
I need you now
I've never felt so dead within
So breathe in me
Maybe somehow
You can breathe new life
In me again

I used to be
so sensitive
To the light that leads
to where you are

Now I've acquired
These callouses
With the darkness of
A cold and jaded heart

So breathe in me
I need you now
I've never felt so dead within
So breathe in me
Maybe somehow
You can breathe new life
In me again

Angels Unaware (Trilogy 3)
Maybe there's a light in my soul
Maybe it flickers like a neon sign outside an abandoned hotel
Maybe there are things you just can't know
But can you say there are no mysteries in the house you choose to dwell
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware
Maybe there's a place where we will fly
But some say God is dead like Nietzsche said and faith has made me a fool
But maybe there is more than meets the eye
Who's that stranger there beside you? Don't be smug and don't be cruel
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Battles of the heart and of the mind
We stay caught in mental purgatory 'til our existence can be defined
Meanwhile on the shores of parallel
There may be a holy conference held somewhere discussing all mankind
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware
I say maybe we are entertaining angels unaware
Angels unaware

Soaring, somewhere, longing, reaching
Searching, knowing, loving, caring

Let me take you by the hand
Lead you to the promised land
And trust Him with your heart
He'll lead you home

some how, some way, those songs brought me back. where did it take me? i took me back to the days where life was simple. where no matter what happens, there is forgiveness... and im not saying i havent forgiven yet. for that was done a while ago... but there was no such thing as hurt. so why now? why start? why bother? if i knew, i wouldnt be asking these questions. there has to be a middle ground no?

some of you. whoevers reading this, will tell me im thinking too much again. but does it matter that the one time i actually think is about this? does it matter that one of my bestest is yet again entangled in some situation she shouldnt be stuck in? does it matter that my brother is "trying to help" something he cant? does it matter that no one is happy about this? sure some of us are more happy then others. but when it comes down to it, are we truely happy?

i remember this one sermon that Pastor Sharon gave one sunday morning. it was like LONG time ago. and for those of you with notes.. if you could turn to : _________. haha.. well.. if you really wanted to, its Oct.26.2003. but yeah. in it, she asked us a question. "what is the way of love?" and then she read 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 a.k.a. "the wedding passage". but what was different about this time? she read it in a different translation. funny how different translations make all the difference in the world. but yeah. here.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

but theres more then that. she also asked "why follow the way of love?" the answer we got? because life without love adds up to nothing. you see, no one can stop you from loving. live - love = nothing. (and thats about all the math i do.. haha) anyways yeah. and woa i know this is long. but whatever. one thing that Pastor Sharon ended on thats really smacking me rite now, is this: the way of love is the only way. i dont think im in the way of love rite now. but i know what i did is right. so if im right, then why am i not in the way of love?

so yesterday. not the song. but the day, yesterday. maybe i should just explain myself. because a good number of you is shoving your own judgemental views down my throat. and you now what? screw you. you dont even know what is the root of it all. MAYBE if you took the time to TRY to understand... then maybe you'd see that what im doing is right. and not try to force your own views down me. and if all you wanna do is shovel your crap at me, then congratulations. you just dug your own grave and burried yourself in it, as far as im concerned. and for those of you that dont know what the flip is going on, may i suggest you to leave rite now. or at least not read this post... because this post is NOT for you. you can read it if you really want, because i cant stop you. but it's your call. as in all other things.

do you honestly want me to trust, when promise after promise has been broken? do you honestly think that im stupid enough to listen to lies after lies? sure im dumb. i'll be the first to say it. but stupid enough to believe you? to believe IN you when all you've ever told me were lies? believe those i once counted as my bestest becuase they now believe your lies and are too blind to see past what you've told me and the truth? what is one to do when the "truth" isnt reality? how can i trust you, when you wont let me or want me to trust you? how can i trust you when every promise is broken and every thing you told me was a lie?

do you honestly want me to forgive? honestly? i cant do it on my own. im supposed to forgive something you keep doing to me? Even God has a condition to his forgiveness, and that is repentance. if you dont change, you'll just be doing it again. so why bother? You want your crap shoved down my throat? shove this down your throat: if there is no change, then why is there forgiveness? at least pretend you're making an effort. at least pretend to trust me. at least pretend. you know, lying to yourself only works if you believe it. lying to other people only works IF THEY DONT CATCH YOU! you want me to believe we're all one big happy family? rite. maybe in eternity. MAYBE then. 1. big? sure. believe what you want. 2. happy? of course you are. this "thorn" in your side has now left. and exit-ed your lives. you should be happy now. yes? and dont tell me any different. trust me. it wont work. why arent you happy, if you arent? the problem has left. on her own too. arent you just happy? a riot all of you are. do you honestly think that i wouldnt wake up one day and figure out what you're doing? hilarious. you know what? too bad for you. your luck ran out.

you want things "back to where they were"? ha. funny. you promised it wouldnt go that way. twice now. and yet. thats now a grand total of three times. you know what happens in baseball? three strikes and you're out. buh bye. do you even know how bad it got? do you know how hard it is to KNOW you cant trust someone you hold dear, and yet want to trust them so badly? ha. do any of you know what you're doing to me? maybe you do. in which case you're just a jerk. and maybe you dont. in which case, let me help you. see life used to be a wonderful thing. im sure it still is for many people. just not really for me rite now. i've taken more then i can deal with. and one of you already knows that i cant be strong anymore, and yet you persist. fine. have it your way. i cant be strong anymore. i dont care if any of you expect me to be. because im not going to be anymore. you've won the battle. congratulations. and i've lost. wonderful. but you dont know what i've lost. nor could you possibly understand. you see. i've lost it all. i've lost everything. everything that once brought me joy, was my help in times of need, my best friend. i've lost it all. i dont know who you think you're fighting or WHAT you're fighting, but i guess you now know. i was fighting for the fragments of my life that was left. and even those frail, minute fragments, you couldnt leave with me for me to rebuild a life with. no. it wasnt good enough for you that i had those bits and pieces. not only did you hafta suck the life out of me so that all that was left of me was an empty shell... but you had to crush that shell that was me, and you had to take away the fragments of me so that i would never be found again.

so i guess all i hafta say is, congrats. you won. you've won what seems like a pointless battle to you. and i've lost all that is me. and these tears im crying, i guess you'll never know what they ment. and i guess you'll never stop to care about them either. congrats on your win and in taking all that is me, away from me.

one thing to say:

SUPID AMERICAN BOYS!!!!!

haha.. dont ask me...because i wont tell you. ask mabs. she'll tell ya.... if you're LUCKY. haha.

anyways... whats with my day? uhh.... lets just say almost falling asleep like 8 times in 2 hrs isnt good for your grades.. haha.. that was me this morning.. then i came home and slept.. something i shouldnt have done.. whoops.. oh wells.. as soon as im done my lab, im going to bed. thats what i've been saying since i woke up after sleeping today... haha... well.. er.. yesterday... cuz its like the AM now.. whoops. hahah... someone tell me whats wrong with my sleeping? yes? no? yes? ahaha... oh wells.. what else to say about my day? hmm.... if you really wanna know. you can ask i guess.. and if you need to know, then you'd know. haha.

wanna know what made my day today?
1. my bro didnt hurt himself... er... too badly.... haha... good job, alan!!!! *hugs*
2. Westley.

you know how cute kids can be? like omg... hes soo adorable!!!! oh somedays.. i just wanna take him home!!!! but then i dun think his parents would be too happy with me.... well... they probably wouldnt mind if i took him home for one night... but ya know... haha. anyways. yeah.. he just made me smile like ALL day.. oh how nice it is to see a child smile. or to watch a child have fun, to watch him learn, to watch him grow... *sigh* and we wonder why i feel old?? haha.. all these kids are growing like RIGHT before my eyes. 3 months ago, they were so much younger. kids grow up VERY fast... let me tell you that. but im sure you're smart and you already knew that. and if you dont... i dun recommend like randomly giving candy to kids to see them happy.. cuz im sure their parents would call the cops on you or something... but like yeah... its the best feeling in the world. *sigh* if i EVER have kids.. omg... they will be the worst most spoilded bunch!!! haha.. send them to auntie sammi's for some lessons... ahaha... *sigh* oh wells.. worry about that when i get there... haha

oooh... its march break for all the lucky bums.. guess what that means? TC!!!! *sigh* i wanna go soo badly too... drat. oh wells. in the words of sammi? "you're too old for these things veee keeeee!!!!!!" haha.. oh silly sammi. and if ppl could be so kind as to pray for all those involved in and/or attending.. that would be most excellent... TRUST me.. there are strong battles here.. and these battles will be won according to Gods plan. but we need to pray for them. we need to pray for things like strenght and such. whoever of you that reads this may or may not know someone thats either going or helping out with it, and if you know what to pray for, then pray for that. otherwise, tell God whats on your mind and that you dont know how to pray but you want his will to be done. God understands those prayers too. and only HE knows exactly what each person needs.... but yeah.. after my super long speel... pray for them ks? im worried... like always.. and im scared.. but not as scared as last year... now THAT was super strong.. i havent broken down and cried yet.. and hopefully it'll stay that way... *winkz*

oks.. someone asked me a question... "what do you look for in the [opposite sex]?" and i have ABSOLUTELY no idea what to say.. like sure i have ideas... but yeah... anyone wanna help me??? send me ya answers and stuff... haha... oks.. i think im done with what i hafta say.. haha

on thurs, this amazing poem was read to a bunch of us. and it made me think. here.. read it. slowly. one line at time. and think about each line. read it outloud..

An Open Invitation

There was this shimmer -
Velvet yellow,
Behind white wooden frame.
Dancing silhouettes,
In gray-black shade.
That caught my eye,
As I walked,
Enwrapped in star-sky.
Compelling me to focus,
Away from constellations and prophets,
So I wouldn't miss a thing.

I stood upon ice soil -
With purple soles,
Beneath snow waterfalls.
And naked knees,
Short sleeves,
Among bleeding hands,
And frozen lashes,
I shivered,
As it glistened,
Inviting me to come and listen.

I could only imagine,
Who sat behind the floating curtain,
Praying while I continued to run?

I didn't have to knock,
The door was open -
A chandelier;
With overflowing wax,
Candled light,
And golden glow,
Hung relatively low,
To a four chair table,
Equipped with silver cutlery,
Porcelain dishware,
Wineglasses,
A feast for Kingly masses,
And I stepped forward,
Hesitant to interfere,
With the divine affair,
That I heard pronounce my name.

"Welcome," one said,
Yet all three smiled,
The room with warmth piled,
As they called me child.
And I sat down with these three familiars,
Warming up to their charms -
Rosy, dried up cheeks,
Curious psyches.
Biting on yeast,
Digesting the familiarities,
Consuming creed,
Observing one in all three?

And then I realized,
That sitting with unwashed feet,
And dirty fingernails,
Was acceptable,
Almost crucial,
To my being invited,
Into this Holy social circle,
Of lifelong contentment.

(2004) by:Ana Saravolac

you know what hit me as i read it? how much other things catch my eye, when the best thing is RIGHT infront of me. how do i turn a blind eye to God's amazing love. and focus on things that truely do not matter? i think that was one of my most embarassing moments... and for those of you that REALLY know me... i dun really get embarassed.. cuz if i do something stupid.. i'd laugh first at it.. or just shake my head at myself for being so dumb. but yeah... if you wanna know one of my most embarassing moments? just knowing that God wants something better for me, but im too distracted by other things to pay attention to him. *sigh* what an isolent child i am.

God came and paid for all of our sins, mine included. He died a painful death, so that we can be with him. He watched those he love scorn him. He was whipped by those that he cared for. He was shamed by those he chose to call his family. its like that song:

How deep the Father?s love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

i guess that song just sums up what i had to say.. but yeah.. if you wanna read more awsome poems by ana, go to here. http://www.postpoems.com/members/dieheiligedichterine/ or click RITE here. ^.~

anyways.. one other thing i wanted to say. ignore the p.s. business because the person just isnt understanding... so i guess i gotta find another way other then then method 1, being telling them straight out to back off, and method 2, dropping mad hints about it.. like MAAADDDD.... *sigh* thanx joel... but i dun think even a parking lot discussion could work on this one... SOO dense.. like what more do you need to know!? what more can i do to tell you to back off and leave me be??? *sigh* why is life hard???...wait.. dont answer that... cuz i know why it is for me. but its one of those, its for me to know, and you not to know things. *sigh*

oks.. i think thats all i had to say today.. minus the OWWW.. but yeah... oh wells... meh.. it'll get looked at later. yes? haha. rite. and DONT walk in the cold for like 2 hrs.. cuz yeah... you get wind bitten or whatever and then EVERYONE asks you stuff that you probably should kow about.. but you dont... like why your cheeks are soo warm and soo red?? haha.. oks. time for me to shut up. *zip* *angelic smile* SHUSH! haha

ah today. *sigh*. wonderfully weird... i suppose. but then everything is. you see. for one... it was like 10.30, and me and my crazy friend decided to walk like 1/2 hr in the COLD..more like an hr.... and with the snow to go talk and eat... and like yeah.... craaazzzzzyyyy... it was fun.. but CRAZY!!!! and then we had to walk back.. oh how hard that was... it was even COLDER when we were walking back.. and yeah.... not so cool.. and my hot coffee is now like colder then room temperature.. and i dunno why im drinking a coffee at this hr... cuz you know what that means rite? NO sleep.. and i need it bad... *sigh* oh wells.. tomolo nite.. maybe... haha.. at least i'll be in my nice bed.... mmm.. nice and warm... im STILL frozen and i;ve been home for like 20 mins now.. like WHAT!??!?! *sigh*

anways. as i was saying to my twinnie... i typed up the lyrics to one of my fav songs.. cuz no one seems to have it...but yeah.. the song goes like this

Symphony ~ Justin Chow

Beautiful midnight, gazing at the star lit sky
Agonizing over choices, choices
Tearing my self apart, Tearing my mind from my heart
How do I know if I?ve done right?

An hour spent alone is like an eternity
But a moment spent with you is a symphony of emotions
I tried to show you how much you mean to me
I couldn?t help it; I?m in love with you

Watching the sunrise, watching the past rise in my mind
The clouds dissolving in the heart, memories
All the things we shared, all the things we said
Call to me from the horizon

An hour spent alone is like an eternity
But a moment spent with you is a symphony of emotions
I tried to show you how much you mean to me
I couldn?t help it, I?m in love with you

[Music break]

An hour spent alone is like an eternity
But a moment spent with you is a symphony of emotions
I tried to show you how much you mean to me
I couldn?t help it, I?m in love with you

Beautiful day light, I?ve made my choice today.

its such a beautiful song. and for those of you that know what im talking about... yeah.... *sigh* i dunno. i guess i relate to this very well. its my will or His will. there is no compromises unless i give up my will and my will IS his will. oh how much easier it is said then done. like SOO much more easier. amazing.

*sigh* i dunno.. i dun think youd get my other song that i like.. cuz yeah... thats not so easy to type up... haha... oh wells. no biggie... too bad for you guys i guess... cuz you wont know it... but this song... im pretty sure you havent heard of it either.... PRETTY sure... doesnt mean that for sure you havent heard of this.. but yeah.. trust me.. its non-existant as far as the net goes... wonderful eh? oh wells.. if you want this. you know how to get it *winkz* hehe.. shush. its like almost 3 in the morning.. i had coffee like an hr ago... im in dire need of sleep.. whoops... bad combination i think... hahaha.... i think..... me? thinking? um.... RITE. no. dun think so. haha....oks... im officialy frozen. i cant get warm... *sigh* do i have anything intelligent to add to my ramble?

oh yeah! my lil p.s thinger yesterday.. i need to explain myself before half of my world thinks im telling them to lay off... its to like 1 person specifically... and that person SHOULD know that it is themself... think hard. if you dont know. ask me. i shall tell you....if not.....someone is gonna be bound to tell ya. ask yourself these simple questions.

1. do i keep track of her?
2. do i ask too many questions?
3. do i demand to know every detail of her life?
4. do i try to run her life?
5. do i attempt to know EVERY single one of her friends, such that i over take her friends?
6. do i end up taking over her life?
7. do i get a lot of nonsense answers?
8. do i ask what she is doing with every moment of her day?

if you answered yes to most of these questions...chances ARE... and if you still dunno.. then ask me... and if it IS you, then BUG OFF!!!! JZ!!! what part of MY life did you miss? *breathe in* *breathe out* oks..i think thats more explanatory then just ranting at some person .... but yeah.. like honestly.... thanx for caring.. but dont smoother me. let me breathe. how am i gonna be me, if i cant breathe? and unless you get off my back and stop trying to live my life or be me or whatever you think you're doing, you're crushing me. and all thats gonna be left of me is just an empty hollow shell thats named me. and let me tell ya... im pretty close to there.. every moment... less of me is left... so please.. let me be. let me live my life oks? im almost begging you.... except, theres not enough of me left TO beg you with.... so yeah.. i just wanted to clarify all that...but im pretty sure what that JUST was, is garbage... so you probably did a GIGO thing... cuz im just tooo exausted... maybe sleep time before my twinnie kills me... haha.. sorry darling... going... soon... haha

*sigh* blogger doesnt like me... anyone else feeling this "love from blogger? anways.. thanx to theomnifish.. but yeah.. anways.. what those pictures say... (its from my email too... thanx kat... if you even read this.. hehe)

A Woman's 3 Wishes...
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it, and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, " Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The women said, "That would be ok" and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to?" The woman replied, "That will be ok because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." so, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be ok because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the riches woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "i'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever b______. Don't mess with them.

see.. yeah... SLIGHTLY offensive to females.. cuz not all of us are evil and manapulative like that... and yeah guys... dont be stupid and hang out with wacked out women... and i strongly urge you to not date one... and i HIGHLY recommend you dont marry one... hahaha..

anways.. guess what i lernt today? well what i was reminded off... cuz its been a while since i had something soo cool... but yeah.. essentially, Prayer is powerful. like i always knew it, i always believed it, i've seen it work numerious times.. and some of you know what im talking about, but yeah.... it just reminded me today.. i dunno how else i woulda gotten through this week.. it was a hard week, and i've been sleep depreived... (yea twinnie.. i know i promised to sleep after my shower and my hair dried.. and its still drying.... :S) and i just wanna say thanx for all those who have been/are praying for me. thanx. i need those prayers.. lets just say im extremely exausted.. yet im semi-functioning.. and yet havent walked into a wall yet.. much to the disappointment of many ppl. haha. but yeah.. i dunno how i got through this week... amazing. thanx ppl. you're amazing.. and you're heaven sent. thanx.

oks. i forgot what else i was gonna say.. so if someone remembers.. tell me please? like pretty please? with a chery on top? what if i put whip cream on it? hm... what else ...... hmm..... or YOU tell me what you want from me. and make it realistic. dun tell me to give you a mill. cuz i dun have one for myself.so yeah. cant do that. get it? REALISTIC!

p.s. Joel says to be more direct. so this is me being direct at *ahem*. "LAY OFF ME! and get of my back. i dont answer to you. nor do you keep me accountable, cuz there is NOTHING that you can keep me accountable to. and if you want me to trust you, then why are you lying to me? oh wait. i dont even want to know."

so i was reading my email today... and cleaning it out.. so yeah... cuz i havent done the whole "my best email of the day" thinger in a LOOONNNGGG time... haha.... so anyways.. this one.... SLIGHTLY offensive to females.... wonderful warning for the males.... and yeah.. haha...









yeah.... i think thats like the most unmentally challenging one there is... and is that even a word? anways... when i was cleaning out my email (i know.. rare moment). some of you will remmeber this. some of you wont. some of you dont even know about it. but for those who forgot.. i think one word will remind you.... "WEEEDDGGGIEEE" (sorry ***!!!!) but yeah. this was said. and i just kinda want you (who ever actually reads this) to just think about this. read it slowly.. reflect on it...maybe read it outloud, either to yourself or to someone else. you'll see what i mean.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fears, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

you see. when i had this read to me the first time, i understood... i understood the words of those who loved me at all costs, and risked everything so that i might know truth. i understand the actions of those just loved. and i must tell ya. i look up to those people. those who can love at all costs. even if it breaks them. that is some deep love. i thought of what others have given up for me. and i thought of what i had given up in me. anways.. i guess to just kinda sum whats really what im thinking rite now, heres more stuff from my inbox... haha... isnt it wonderful how you half-clean it out one day to find these nice things that just remind you of what you've learnt, what you've been told, and what Gods told you in the past.. but anways, i digressed again. and is that even how you spell it? neways...

As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear.

When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were to busy. At one point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all our activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me.

I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me,that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't. That's okay. There is still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet.

You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.

Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you.. I've got patience, more than you will ever know. I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well.

I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought, or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.

Well, you are getting up once again. Once again I will wait, with nothing but love for you. Hoping that today you will give me some time. Have a nice day!

Your friend,
GOD

remember. what better feeling is there other than love, especially a divine love from above?

woa.. i remembered to blog...woa... maybe im getting back into the habit of... MAYBE... haha

guess what hit me today? the wedding... its in 2 weeks... woa... they've been going out for AGES!*sigh* they're soo cute together.. ooh soo jealous... hahaha... oh wells... in dahlia's words " he'll come when hes ready" and i remember it exactly, cuz i never heard it expressed like that.

so what i forgot to talk about yesterday that i wanted to talk about.

1. passion of the Christ. oh man. i saw that.. couldnt stop crying. wouldnt stop. to see the pain he endured. to see His mother's heart break. to see the suffering. to see this ridicule. to see the torture. to see their cockyness... (is that even a word?) to see those that scorned him. to see his face, wretched with agony & pain. to see the hurt. to be alone like that. oh it hurt. it hurt so badly. i remember saying many times to God, "im not worth this" and "stop this. i rather go to hell then for Jesus to bear this pain". but i then remembered what someone had said to me earlier in the week. they told me, he already died. and he already did it for me. and he did it for you too. why cant i love others too? i look at my problems and im like woa. petty things. no one is whipping me. no one is beating me. no one is nailing me on a cross... and yet I have problems!? like wha?! so if i have problems, then what did Jesus have? and on top of that, he knew it from the start of his life. and he chose to not run, but to do Gods will. wow. i am amazed. its like that song "and can this love, how can it be?" hmm.. lots of thinking...

2. why am i being called a number of semi-new terms? i mean... hello? is it wrong to stand up for love? is it wrong to question those who are immaturly judgemental? hm.. weird tho.

today? dealt with some things. am loving my twinnie. am needing sleep. am needing my daddy to a) tell me how this fried rice is gonna happen WITHOUT food poisioning... b)get me some ice creme.... cuz he bought it.. and is just taunting me with it... grr...

and to end off..."to have joy one must share it. happiness was born a twin" ~ Lord Byron. and you know who im talking to ..hehe...^.~ no worries tho ks? it'll all be good.. and if not. i'll see ya when you join me on vacation! hehe

see hoi wai!!! i posted!!! hahahaha...its long tho.. cuz i didnt know what to write and one thing lead to another...

*sigh* im soo sleep deprived.... but i suppose thats why we have coffee rite? oh wells.. neways.. been a while.. well like 3 days.. but here... 3 days happens like 3 months worth of stuff!!!! neways... quick run down?

saturday
-->slept in.. it was magnificent
-->stressed about how to feed the 20 odd ppl that were gonna come...
-->asked mommy for car... her reply?

mommy:why do you need the car?
vic: to drive ppl back here... cuz we have like one car.. and like 20 people... see? problem mommy..
mommy: oh.. oks..WAIT.. how am i gonna get the car to you??
vic: umm.... drive it here???
mommy: uhh no.
vic: please?
mommy: thats what you get for not comming with me this morning!

its PURE spite...*sigh* oh wells... lets just say after watching that movie, i
couldnt be driving....anways... continuing on..

-->decided that we werent going to go back to my place after
-->stressed some more
-->called daddy..

vic: daddy... can i have the car? please?
daddy: why do you need it?
vic: cuz a bunch of us are going to watch passion and they're coming over after to talk about it
daddy: you can take the van....
vic: but daddy!!! you know i cant drive the van!!"
daddy: hmm... do you wanna come with ME to watch a movie?
vic: but daddy... i already made plans!!!!
daddy: oh... *sigh*... oks... have a good time then...enjoy your movie"

*sigh* daddys hilarious.. he KNOWS i cant see enough to drive it.. and yet he insists...

-->met up with my other family
-->watched "the passion of the Christ"
-->bawled my eyes
-->had my heart broken into pieces soo tiny, not even a SEM can find the pieces.
-->went to mcd
-->drank oil, cuz my dear jon ting was like "WHAT?!?!? YOU DIDNT EAT DINNER YET?!"

but its only cuz he loves me.... and he worries for me....and about me.... whoops..

-->went home & cried some more
-->did some hmwk (finally)
-->msned. (haha.. its now a verb!!! *sigh*... only me. haha)
-->heard my godbro out even tho i shoulda slept... whoops.. ahhaa...

sunday
-->woke up early... underslept yet again.... i gotta cut my "lets sleep for 4 hrs" habit... *sigh*
-->got dressed... for those of you that need to know...

[a.k.a. those that keep bugging me to wear a skirt...]
i did wear a skirt... so.. LAY OFF!!!! hahaha....

--> got to church late... sorry boys...
-->froze.. cuz theres no insulation anymore in that roome
-->practiced & organized ourselves...
-->prayed
-->screwed up cuz my fingers were frozen and they wouldnt bend... SORRY GUYS!!!!!
-->went to english service
-->went running around looking for terence... cuz i still have his stuff... *sigh*
-->went looking for my car
-->found my car and moved my sisters stuff
-->went to class
-->played badminton...well...more like "played".. cuz:

1. i cant run in that skirt... VERY problemattic...
2. the ceilings in the way.. haha

-->drove home in the nasty snow..
-->fought with my brother on the way home... MAN!!! never be around guys when they're hungry...
-->COOKED for my brother (why did i go home anways?!)
-->watched sabrina goes to rome (dun ask... LONG story...)
-->had dinner....

daddy went out in the snow to bbq me some steak.. cuz i told mommy i wanted bbq all week...

-->went back to res
-->cleaned like MAD... stupid house checks...
-->bumed around
-->went to meeting
-->bumed around some more...
-->discovered something i probably shouldnt have known... thanx lil boy... now what? what do i do?!?! AHH!
-->sleep deprived myself again... *sigh* bad habit..

Monday
oooh.. this day is interesting....
-->woke up
-->went to class
-->almost fell asleep in class
-->went home
-->almost collapsed...see? sleep deprivation? bad.... VERY BAD!!!
-->ate
-->explored
-->crashed
-->went to class
-->went home to get my OHIP
-->FINALLY made an appointment with a doctor...i know.. stubborn me...
-->went home...
-->got my chem midterm..... *sigh* all i gotta say is why study when its the same as NOT studying?
-->TRIED to read... did my "ooh.. pretty pictures!!" with my text...good thing theres pics!
-->crashed
-->did more "reading"
-->talked to one of my best buds
-->got ticked at some jerks
-->got called a varity of colorful words.. including:f****** idiot/moron/a**hat/etc., supid,

anyone wanna explain the a**hat to me??
like typo? cant spell? something i dunno about?

-->exausedly blogged.. just for hoi wai.

yeah.. like excuse me for standing up for love... and excuse me for standing up for one of my bests. like ok... whatever.. and if you're gonna be mad about it, at LEAST stay calm enough to use words and not hafta resort to cussing... like whats that?! excuse me for not taking their crap about how my best's boy loves my best. like hello?! if they're your true friends, wouldnt you be happy that your friend is in love? and that they love someone that loves them back!? like what is this?! and wouldnt you be happy that your friend is going to stop doing harm to himself?! like WOA... man... i dunno what kinda friends hes keeping.. but if they wanna use such "wonderful" words on me, then go a head. i rather it be me, then my bests. sides. he doesnt even know me... so whatever...but interesting day.. havent gotten soo many hate msgs in one day.. for a while anyways.. i must say... oks.. must finish my "reading"...guess who forgot about their test? yeah. me. and sleep... guess whose missing a lot of that too??? OOH!!!!! i had the weirdest dream.... but yeah... i'll explain that one later... hahaha

AHHH!!!! super fustration today!!! but Gods love is STILL awsome.
at ecf on thurs, we had a speaker come in. her name is Darla Walker.
we talked about what love really is.

she told us of the 3 kinds of love that the world offers:
--> "if" love
--> "because" love
--> trash love

and then we talked about Gods love. everyday in the world, we are bombarded with conditional love, Gods love differes... it is UNconditional. not only is it uncondiontal, itis also:
--> boundless (a new way of thinking that i never thought of)
--> never failing
--> perfect
--> constant <--you just cant be seperated from it!

you know what i lernt?
--> we are to be "Jesus-with-skin-on" (thats what she called it)
-->with this supernatural love, we are to show this love to the world
but what God said to me through Darla, was this:

God had ONE son. the life of that ONE son, God willingly gave up for me. so that i could be with God and to know this love...even if it was just the smallest fraction of it... so small that i will never understand most of it. and most importantly: God and God alone, will meet my deepest needs

so you know what this means?
-->it hurts because nothing can replace God's love
-->i want something that i know wont happen because im just deaf &dumb
-->i miss something, because talking through a "door", really isnt talking.
-->im exausted because i am weary. and have ignored matt 11:28.
-->im lost because i dont know who i am anymore
-->im "forgotten" because my world is gone, & it cant be put back together
-->a handful of people's action means the world to me, because they ARE my world
-->i want to cry because i am no more. and the cries of my world are strong
-->my heart is broken, because too many things have broken it to even know what broke it

but its all good. because you know what? God will meet all my needs. what more can i ask for? can i ask for more love? no... Gods love is infinate. can i ask for more mercy or grace? no.... Gods already given me that.

God never promised that the road would be easy. but there IS one thing he guarentees. and that is His glory will be shown to the world. in Luke 9:23, it says:

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

and for those of us who are kinda deaf, dumb and or blind to God, just like me...

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat--I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how."

walking the trails is way better then the paved road. if all you're travelling on, is the paved road.. come walk the trails. then you'll truely see how amazing Gods work is.. and how wonderful his creation is. all you see in on the paved roads is humans in the drivers seat. only when you're walking the paths, can you see how mighty and amazing God truely is.

if you dont know this path and you wanna know it? talk to me. just remeber one thing. and that is that God IS love. and that He loves you VERY much. so much, that he watched his only son die, in order to give YOU life.

world.. why does it hurt so much?
why do i want something i know wont happen? and that i know i cant have?
why do i miss something i know i cant miss, cuz i cant be missing some thing thats "still around"
why am i so exausted, when i havent done anything to BE exausted?
why do i feel lost when i know where i am?
why do i feel forgotten, when perhaps, im not?
why does a handful of people's actions mean the world to me?
why do i want to cry when theres nothing worth crying for?
why is my heart broken when theres nothing to break it with?

these questions are whats running through my mind. well... not just today i suppose.. but today, i found the words to ask the questions. like the song Sustained, "looking for answers, to questions i dont even have". well.. i finally have these questions.

i was talking to a bunch of people today, and someone, one of them spoke up and said:

"all my negative thoughts trace back to two questions:
--> why am i still single
--> why am i (the way i am)?"

i dunno where those questions up there boil down to... but what i know is true is that, no matter where i am, or what crap gets thrown at me, or in my path, it wont stop me. it cant. it has no powers.

to hurt and to have no cure is starting to be more then i can deal with and take. to miss someone because they just dont have time for you is the worst hurt of them all. funny how they wont realize it eh? funny how easy it is to be laughing on the outside and just hurt soo much on the inside. funny to smile to the world but to cry silent tears that no one else knows of...funny how easy all of this is.

*sigh*.. i think i got sick..... '_' someone fix it? please?
someone make my head stop hurting...
someone make the world stop spinning..
it hurts soo much... *whines* wheres my daddy???

oks whatever.. i think im on my own... again..

one thing i found on the net today that kinda struck me. it says:

"A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you,
only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go"

i thought: "how true"... hun if you read this, you know what i mean? yes? no? yes? ...anyways, then i thought of this one song called "dreaming of you"

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you and I wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too...

Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight!
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me

Wonder if you ever see me
and I wonder if you know I am there
If you looked in my eyes would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?

I just wanna hold you close but so far
All I have are dreams of you
So I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you.

I'll be dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight!
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me

(ahh ahh)
Corazon...
I can't stop dreaming of you...
No puedo dejar pensar en ti
I can't stop dreaming...
Como te necesito
I can't stop dreaming of you!
Mi amor, come te extrano

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I still can't believe that you came up to me
and said "I love you!"
I love you too!

And now I'm dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow and for all my life
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room dreaming with you endlessly!

...how freaky is that??? well... you guys wont think its freaky... but thats cuz you probably dunno whats going on.. and if ya do... oh oks.. hahaha... yeah.. dun ask.... and this is like DON'T ASK...NOT now, and NOT later either!!! haha... *sigh* i remember when i was in love with this song... but then this is kinda a stupid song.. i mean.. why dream of someone when you can just suck in your gut & tell them & potentially BE with them??? funny how i see it now... oh so very funny...but it wont matter. it never matters... cuz i have no say in this, and i have no choice rite? i never do... so why start now? answer? im not. im not gonna start now, it'd be nice to start now.. but i'd probably be too distracted to do anything else.. haha [p.s. if you want my new fav song.. wait for it.. it takes FOREVER to load... *sigh*]

oh... a quick question.. and you answer.. it mite not be such a quick answer... why am i in this bubble? im like living in this bubble of whatever it is.. im not too sure what it is yet.. but im in this bubble.... am i the only one thats living in this bubble? or are other people in this bubble too? hmm.... its soo weird.. i guess its good in a way..but at the same time its not soo good.. hm.....

one final thing...for now.. haha...

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss Til You Find The One You Love
A Hug Is Just A Hug Til Its The One You`re Thinkin Of
A Dream Is Just A Dream Til You Make It Come True
Love Is Jus A Word Til Its Proven To You

think about this...