Wednesday, March 17, 2004

so yesterday. not the song. but the day, yesterday. maybe i should just explain myself. because a good number of you is shoving your own judgemental views down my throat. and you now what? screw you. you dont even know what is the root of it all. MAYBE if you took the time to TRY to understand... then maybe you'd see that what im doing is right. and not try to force your own views down me. and if all you wanna do is shovel your crap at me, then congratulations. you just dug your own grave and burried yourself in it, as far as im concerned. and for those of you that dont know what the flip is going on, may i suggest you to leave rite now. or at least not read this post... because this post is NOT for you. you can read it if you really want, because i cant stop you. but it's your call. as in all other things.

do you honestly want me to trust, when promise after promise has been broken? do you honestly think that im stupid enough to listen to lies after lies? sure im dumb. i'll be the first to say it. but stupid enough to believe you? to believe IN you when all you've ever told me were lies? believe those i once counted as my bestest becuase they now believe your lies and are too blind to see past what you've told me and the truth? what is one to do when the "truth" isnt reality? how can i trust you, when you wont let me or want me to trust you? how can i trust you when every promise is broken and every thing you told me was a lie?

do you honestly want me to forgive? honestly? i cant do it on my own. im supposed to forgive something you keep doing to me? Even God has a condition to his forgiveness, and that is repentance. if you dont change, you'll just be doing it again. so why bother? You want your crap shoved down my throat? shove this down your throat: if there is no change, then why is there forgiveness? at least pretend you're making an effort. at least pretend to trust me. at least pretend. you know, lying to yourself only works if you believe it. lying to other people only works IF THEY DONT CATCH YOU! you want me to believe we're all one big happy family? rite. maybe in eternity. MAYBE then. 1. big? sure. believe what you want. 2. happy? of course you are. this "thorn" in your side has now left. and exit-ed your lives. you should be happy now. yes? and dont tell me any different. trust me. it wont work. why arent you happy, if you arent? the problem has left. on her own too. arent you just happy? a riot all of you are. do you honestly think that i wouldnt wake up one day and figure out what you're doing? hilarious. you know what? too bad for you. your luck ran out.

you want things "back to where they were"? ha. funny. you promised it wouldnt go that way. twice now. and yet. thats now a grand total of three times. you know what happens in baseball? three strikes and you're out. buh bye. do you even know how bad it got? do you know how hard it is to KNOW you cant trust someone you hold dear, and yet want to trust them so badly? ha. do any of you know what you're doing to me? maybe you do. in which case you're just a jerk. and maybe you dont. in which case, let me help you. see life used to be a wonderful thing. im sure it still is for many people. just not really for me rite now. i've taken more then i can deal with. and one of you already knows that i cant be strong anymore, and yet you persist. fine. have it your way. i cant be strong anymore. i dont care if any of you expect me to be. because im not going to be anymore. you've won the battle. congratulations. and i've lost. wonderful. but you dont know what i've lost. nor could you possibly understand. you see. i've lost it all. i've lost everything. everything that once brought me joy, was my help in times of need, my best friend. i've lost it all. i dont know who you think you're fighting or WHAT you're fighting, but i guess you now know. i was fighting for the fragments of my life that was left. and even those frail, minute fragments, you couldnt leave with me for me to rebuild a life with. no. it wasnt good enough for you that i had those bits and pieces. not only did you hafta suck the life out of me so that all that was left of me was an empty shell... but you had to crush that shell that was me, and you had to take away the fragments of me so that i would never be found again.

so i guess all i hafta say is, congrats. you won. you've won what seems like a pointless battle to you. and i've lost all that is me. and these tears im crying, i guess you'll never know what they ment. and i guess you'll never stop to care about them either. congrats on your win and in taking all that is me, away from me.

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