when will my world stop fighting? when will my insides stop fighting? why is half my world telling me i did right, and the other half telling me i did wrong? we ARE told to forgive. but are we told to dismiss the pain? i was listening to this VERY old song... it goes WAY back.. and chances are you havent heard it. but yeah. anyways. its a trilogy. and one just flows into the other. VERY beautiful.

The Other Side of Me (Trilogy 1)
If they were to write about
The story of my life
They would have to mention you
With every page they'd write
There's another side to every story told
If I were the ocean
You would be the shore
And one without the other one
Would be needing something more
We are the shadow and the light

Always love me
(And) never leave me now
(And) now you are the other side of me
Always love me
(And) never leave me now
(And) now you are the other side of me

I have known the emptiness
Of feeling out of touch
And living life without you here
Would be living half as much
Cause I've a need that only you can fill

If love was mathematical
You'd understand the sum
to the heart's equation
Where one and one makes one
And lonely equals me minus you

Always love me
(And) never leave me now
(And) now you are the other side of me
Always love me
(And) never leave me now
(And) now you are the other side of me

Breathe In Me (Trilogy 2)
You breathe in me
And I'm alive
With the power of your holiness
You breathe in me
And you revive
Feelings in my soul
That I have laid to rest

So breathe in me
I need you now
I've never felt so dead within
So breathe in me
Maybe somehow
You can breathe new life
In me again

I used to be
so sensitive
To the light that leads
to where you are

Now I've acquired
These callouses
With the darkness of
A cold and jaded heart

So breathe in me
I need you now
I've never felt so dead within
So breathe in me
Maybe somehow
You can breathe new life
In me again

Angels Unaware (Trilogy 3)
Maybe there's a light in my soul
Maybe it flickers like a neon sign outside an abandoned hotel
Maybe there are things you just can't know
But can you say there are no mysteries in the house you choose to dwell
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware
Maybe there's a place where we will fly
But some say God is dead like Nietzsche said and faith has made me a fool
But maybe there is more than meets the eye
Who's that stranger there beside you? Don't be smug and don't be cruel
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Battles of the heart and of the mind
We stay caught in mental purgatory 'til our existence can be defined
Meanwhile on the shores of parallel
There may be a holy conference held somewhere discussing all mankind
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware
I say maybe we are entertaining angels unaware
Angels unaware

Soaring, somewhere, longing, reaching
Searching, knowing, loving, caring

Let me take you by the hand
Lead you to the promised land
And trust Him with your heart
He'll lead you home

some how, some way, those songs brought me back. where did it take me? i took me back to the days where life was simple. where no matter what happens, there is forgiveness... and im not saying i havent forgiven yet. for that was done a while ago... but there was no such thing as hurt. so why now? why start? why bother? if i knew, i wouldnt be asking these questions. there has to be a middle ground no?

some of you. whoevers reading this, will tell me im thinking too much again. but does it matter that the one time i actually think is about this? does it matter that one of my bestest is yet again entangled in some situation she shouldnt be stuck in? does it matter that my brother is "trying to help" something he cant? does it matter that no one is happy about this? sure some of us are more happy then others. but when it comes down to it, are we truely happy?

i remember this one sermon that Pastor Sharon gave one sunday morning. it was like LONG time ago. and for those of you with notes.. if you could turn to : _________. haha.. well.. if you really wanted to, its Oct.26.2003. but yeah. in it, she asked us a question. "what is the way of love?" and then she read 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 a.k.a. "the wedding passage". but what was different about this time? she read it in a different translation. funny how different translations make all the difference in the world. but yeah. here.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

but theres more then that. she also asked "why follow the way of love?" the answer we got? because life without love adds up to nothing. you see, no one can stop you from loving. live - love = nothing. (and thats about all the math i do.. haha) anyways yeah. and woa i know this is long. but whatever. one thing that Pastor Sharon ended on thats really smacking me rite now, is this: the way of love is the only way. i dont think im in the way of love rite now. but i know what i did is right. so if im right, then why am i not in the way of love?