i lack words of expression.
to whom these words belong to,
in the words of my dear joshie,
you raised me up.

"When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life – no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up: To more than I can be."

Thank you.

So.
its been a long time.
wanna know why?
HA! you can ask me. haha.

hows life? its life. not much to say..haha.
some things to think about.

where have i been?
where am i going?
what am i doing?
how am i impacting others?

haha. neways. thats all for now. tag ya later!

so this is how it goes.

one is the favourite child, simply just perfect according to everyone. i will always be compared to her. i will never be good enough to even be called equal to her.

the other is the "alpha" male. why? hes the ONLY male. so he gets away with everything.

when will i be a person?

when will i matter?

the answer is obvious.

never.

good-bye.

no more posts here.

some people should really watch what they say..

especially if what they said isnt even true.

its hard to explain.

you put your heart into something, and you work at it, and then the person/people that the thing is FOR goes and tells you that you're stupid or worthless or hates you for it, or even just plains tells you garbage about yourself... its not a positive experience.

why do i bother? if anything and everything i do regardless of result or attitude or motives for doing it, just gets people to tell me to forget it cuz im not worth it or im just mean?

excuse me, little miss priss. im sorry if i CANT have my life revolve around you 24/7. i tried doing that, but i wasnt getting my school work done. so now that ive taken a step back to focus on my schooling and my life, im now all of a sudden mean? well forget it. dont ever expect me to do anything for you. because even if you begged, i wont do it. since you think im sooo mean to you and to something you claim as your own, as if i had no part in it, maybe you'll understand where all this is comming from.

Thank you for the cross Lord
Thank you for the price You paid
Bearing all my sin and shame
In love You came
And gave amazing grace

Thank you for this love Lord
Thank you for the nail pierced hands
Washed me in Your cleansing flow
Now all I know
Your forgiveness and embrace

Worthy is the Lamb
Seated on the throne
Crown You now with many crown
You reign victorious
High and lifted up
Jesus Son of God
The Darling of Heaven crucified
Worthy is the Lamb
Worthy is the Lamb

Your soul is caring.
Other people are your concern, even if you
don't know them. If you see a person trip you
worry is he is okay. You put your loved ones
first and you're very mature. When someones
sick you're nurturing and always try to help
family and friends when failure strikes them.
You can be called the motherly one, if you are
in a group of people, which doesn't have to be
bad. Love is something that's already in you
and you have a lot to give whether you believe
it or not. Your friends probably love you very
much and come to when they need help since
you're reliable. People can feel secure with
you and generally like you.


How is your soul?(pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


hahaha. oh dear me. comments anyone? someone explain..

so what did i learn this weekend?

ive learnt to be a better fighter. i've learnt what it means to be on the same team. i've learnt to confront differences with team members. i've learnt to be more honest with myself..and with those who are important in my life.

i've come to understand myself and my heart more. and also, to express myself better.

i've also gotten to know and to understand the significance of my ring more.

...Thanks Daddy.

frig guy.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

i swear.

not ONLY was i betrayed 3 times in the last 12 hrs, my own sister talks to me just so i can drive her home AND screws up my phone.

frig. its SET that way for a reason.

leave me the hell alone.

betrayed.

3 times.

by the same person.

ALL in a mere 2 minutes.


how does it feel? oh. so. amazing. HA!

being betrayed is the wosrt feeling in the world.

having just dismissed it as something else, i feel like im living a lie, maybe im just a joke. whos to say im not? if a person can betray you, then you are. whats worst? THREE times in TWO minutes.

so why am i still up?

wouldnt you like to know.

my eyes are puffy from crying, my nose is running, and my heart is bleeding. almost quite litterally.

i TRIED sleeping.

i cried myself to sleep.

i woke up 2 hrs later, STILL crying.

is there a point to trying to sleep?

not. really.

why bother when you're really not sleeping and you're just crying while you're unconscious?

THATS how deep it cuts.
THATS how deep it hurts.
THATS how deep im bleeding.

if you cant be nice, and respectful, dont bother. i cant afford to waste time on you. theres more important things in my life comming up. and i cant afford anytime time to be wasted on you and to go through death of everything, but my physical body. because that is whats happening now. and i cant stop it.

call me whatever the hell you want to, but it doesnt matter to me. i wont be around to hear it.

couple things have happend since ive last posted.

couple songs that are near and dear to me rite now..including:
-praise his holy name
-without you
-what else can i do

LOTS of things to praise God for..even in the last 24hrs.
its amazing how many lil love notes God sends you, and how many you miss.
when you start looking for them and seeing them, everything takes a diffent perspective!

it still amazes me that God would love me so much to put certain people into my life to challenge me and stretch me and help me grow in love in life and in truth. and also to teach me about myself and to love myself and the people around me more. thank you to those people. you mean the WORLD to me! ..well..maybe not mean the world to me..but pretty much. hahha. after God anyways. cuz HE means the world to me.

smile!

Jesus loves you!

^.~

so life.
ack.
so brain dead.
how do you spell my name?
what does an "n" look like?
dont. ask. me.
cuz i cant tell you.

ever get that feeling where you SHOULD be happy but you're not?
ever get that feeling where you should be calm but youre not?
ever get that feeling where everything in the world should be ok but everything feels wrong?
ever get that feeling where you know things but at the same time you know nothing?

thats me.

maybe i should go study some more.

or maybe eat dinner...

..but i dun feel like eatting, so maybe not. ha. maybe at the end of this week i'll be able to stop my count. i dont even know why i bother when "its not important" maybe its not important to other people. maybe its only important to me. or maybe im just lying to myself when it really IS important to me.

*sigh*

oh wells.

who cares anyways?

tell me you care? and i'd laugh at you.


we all know you dont. so its ok. dont lie.

if i dont care about it, what gives you a right to care about it, much less do anything about it?

oh im sorry. apparently my life is ran by you. oh too bad. whatever. tough. if i hafta deal with it and deal with you, you can deal with it. im sure you'll life.

4 out of 4. CRAZY. nice..but DEFINATLY weird.

10 mins. you never know what 10 minutes really mean until its like they're right there, but you miss them so much its like they're not really there. this whole "out of sight, out of mind" thing doesnt quite work when its really just 10 minutes...

10 more... just 10 more...but can i do it? let me see.. too much temptation!!! AND a whole week of nothingness.. hmm..

theres nothing quite like it when God tells OTHER people to tell you that he loves you and that makes you beautiful..and that you're very valuable to him. theres really nothing quite like that feeling when He tells you that. because you KNOW He means it. and it is the truth..because God doesnt lie.

trust is a lil funny thing.

acording to dictionary.com, it is defined as "Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing."

funny how it takes years to build up, and only seconds to destroy.

another funny lil thing? faith.

its defined as "Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing." or "Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence"

its one of those things that when you finally believe you have it, you find that you never really did have it.

wonderful isnt it? or maybe not.

more fustrating then anything if you ask me.

ask me one day. i'll tell you what ive been learning. and how much fun THAT was.

smile.

if you have nothing to smile about, just remember, Jesus loves you.

in the purpose driven life, it says

"even before his crucifizion, the Son of God was stripped naked, beaten until almost unrecognizable, whipped, scorned and mocked, crowned with throns, and spit on contemptuously. Abused and ridiculed by heatrless men, was was treated worst than an animal.

Then, nearly unconscious from blood loss, he was forced to drag a cumbersome cross up a hill, was nailed to it, and was left to die the slow, excruciating torture of death by crucifixion. While his life blood drained out, hecklers stood by and shouted insults, making fun of his pain and challenging his claim to be God.

Next, as Jesus took all of mankind's sin and guilt on himself, God looked away from that ugly sight, and Jesus cried out in total desperation, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' Jesus could have saved himself - but then he could not have saved you.

now if you ask me, if that doesnt give you something to be thankful for or something to make you smile about, know this. the most awesomest person, the ONLY perfect man in the WHOLE entire world, died for you. and died for me. so that we mite be able to go to Heaven AND be Gods children. how wonderful is that? Praise God. Praise Him from whom ALL blessings flow.

someones not telling me the truth...










...and this time im not dumb enough to miss it.














congratulations. tell someone who cares. because i cant anymore.

"take one thing at a time" youve always told me.
"dont let other ppl walk over you" you've said
"dont let others take you for granted" you always warned me.

so i worked at it. one. at. a. time.

now its time to deal with you.

it was always your life, your wishes, your avalibility over mine.
it was always your way, over mine
it was always you over me.

not anymore.

a week of hell for nothing.
a weekend in the deepest of pits in hell, only for you to tell me im over reacting.

fine. thats how you want it to be, thats the way its gonna be.

you wanna talk to me? too bad. says who i hafta pick up?
you wanna msg me? go ahead. whose to say im gonna answer you?
you wanna text me? do it. just dont expect a reply.
you wanna see me? oh too bad. i dont think i can fit you in.

you can find me. but its a free country. there is no law that says i hafta talk to you.

maybe. JUST maybe, i have more important things to do. but hey. who are you to know? i'd be lucky if you knew i died. before all that was left of me is my skeleton.

omg.

honestly.

the honesty and trust that some people have.

the untrust worthyness of others.

why cant people be nice?

why cant people be honest?

to think that i bother helping them.

why bother?
whats the point?
who cares?


the truth?
no one cares. theres no point to it. and only those who are nosey bother.

i should just give up.

so why havent i?
..i guess its cuz i dunno that im stupid.
or maybe cuz i think im a cut above the rest, and i can do it.

but you know what?
im wrong. i AM stupid. and im not a cut above anyone. not even the garbage IN my garbage can.

somethings never change.

the world will always hate itself.
the world will always hate me.
and i will always be too stupid to know the difference.

i guess some wanna know whats going on.

theres nothing to tell.
nothing to explain.
nothing to understand.

at the end of it all, its just me.
and im just stupid for beliveing that i could do better. and that i can make a difference in this world. because you know what? i really cant.

why bother? im not gonna anymore.
why care? i wont.
why trust? im not. theres no one to trust.

to everyone else, screw you. i dun really care what you think anymore. and im definatly done sitting around just to be there for you. because it doesnt matter if i am there or if im not. you wont need me. never have, never will. so i dunno why you keep asking me to.

i cant live my life for you. its time i lived mine. so if you have a problem with me not being there for one moment in time, because you've FINALLY made time to spend with me, then screw you. just because youre looking for me doesnt mean im looking for you. just because you've finally found 5 mins to spend with me, doesnt mean that i have 5 mins for you. before you coulda had as long as you needed. but no more. its time for you to find someone who cares. and that definatly aint me. go ahead and breakdown and cry. watch me. im just gonna turn around and walk out of your life and thats the end of that. have a good life.

i hope you will find someone who cares about you. or your life. because im done. im done trying to figure out your double life. where you say one thing and yet you mean another thing. im tired of telling you, im here. its ok. only to find that you just want me to sit there waiting for you so that you feel better about yourself when you really dont need me there and you were just wasting my time. and the one time you really need me there and i cant be there, you make me into your garbage only to put me on a one way guilt trip. well im off. im out of your lying, guilt-laying, double sided life. maybe you'll finally find someone who is either stupid enough to never wake up to smell the coffee and to find that everything they thought was truth, was a lie, an imagery made up so well, it became reality for a while, becuase you;re an expert weaver of lies.

good bye.

in being pissed of at way too much to name, some lessons are lernt. some hard. some very hard.

its amazing how God speaks to us. in the good. in the bad. through others. through the bible. through art. through dance. through music.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to

they always have a song for words i cant say or express.

"I really miss you
There's something that I've gotta say

The things we did
The things we said
To come back to me and make me smile again
Show me how
To face the truth
Everything that's good in me I owe to you

Though the distance that's between us
Now may seem to be too far
It will never separate us
Deep inside I know you are

Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Every day
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've got to say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life
Never gone
No no no

I walk along
These empty streets
There is not a second you're not here with me
The love you gave
The grace you've shown
Will always give me strength and be my corner stone

So how you found a way to see the best I haven't been
As far as time goes on I swear to you that you will be

Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Every day
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've got to say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life
Never gone

Gone from me
If there's one thing I believe
I will see you somewhere down the road again

Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Every day
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've got to say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life

Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close
Every day
Every step along the way

Never gone
Never far
In my heart is where you are"

....im sorry. i think i need to go cry.

so whats going on with me?
whats wrong with me?
why am i being so different now?
why am i being so distant?

truth be told, i feel inadequate.
im not a good listener
im not a good friend
im not a good sister
im just not good enough.

it seems like thats all ppl hafta say to me.
or they ask me how i am, and most of them expect the good or the ok.
couple ppl really wanna know whats going on.

but how do you express whats going on in like 30 words?
...or even what you've been going through in the last little bit in 1 minute?
how do you express the stuggles? the joys? or even last week?
when a week seems like it was a whole month.
and a whole month feels like an eternity.

maybe their right and maybe im just not good enough.
maybe their wrong and they're just lying to me.
maybe their right, but for all the wrong reasons.
maybe their wrong, but with all the right motives.

or maybe its just me failing at things that matter to me..
and the world telling me falsehoods.

ive failed myself.
in dreams, expectations, life, almost everything.
ive failed my grandma and everything SHE lived for. how wonderful is that?

she taught me to be better.
she tried to make me better.
she showed me a better way of life.

and ive failed them all. and ive forgotten.

even simple things from school to my health to my diet..
ive failed her in so much.

..and now i must live up to those consequences.

im sorry grandma.

my feet hurt.
crazy.
i had the mat.
i had the shoes.
blah.
im going back to my runners.

btw, i need to go shopping.
i need new runners and such.
apparnetly im gonna be jogging again.
o.0
do we remember what happened last time i took it seriously?
hmm.
watch.
i'll be like 'yeah. i run.. once every 10 days.." haha

bed time
nite nite
mmj. the answer? yep. hahaha.

"God made you. perfect. just the way you are. dont ever let anyone tell you otherwise."
center stage. 2000.

there was a time when people mattered to me.
there was a time when i mattered to people.
now its me. and just me.
as part of my life is done, a new part begins.

one thing that will always be real. i'll always be here for you.
unlike you, i'll actually to it. because i mean it.
unlike you, i say what i mean and i mean what i say.

be good.
God is watching over you. Jesus is rite next to you.
if those 2 things dont make you watch yourself and be good, i dont know what will.

have a good life.
good bye.

Your #1 Match: ESFJ

The Caregiver You are sympathetic and caring, putting friends and family first. A creature of habit, you prefer routines and have trouble with change. You love being in groups - whether you're helping people or working on a project. You are good at listening, laughing, and bringing out the best in people. You would make a great nurse, social worker, or teacher.

Your #2 Match: ESTJ

The Guardian You're a natural leader and quick, logical decision maker. Goals are important in your life, and you take many steps to acheive them. You enjoy interacting with others, mostly through work related activities. Your high energy level means you are great at getting things done! You would make a great teacher, judge, or police detective.

Your #3 Match: ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

Your #4 Match: ISTJ

The Duty Fulfiller You are responsible, reliable, and hardworking - you get the job done. You prefer productive hobbies, like woodworking or knittings. Quiet and serious, you are well prepared for whatever life hands you. Conservative and down-to-earth, you hardly ever do anything crazy. You would make a great business executive, accountant, or lawyer.

Your #5 Match: ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

What's Your Personality Type?

according to this....what im doing in school doesnt line up...hmm..

this is from my darling rosi. and i thought you could use it too. it made me cry. we all know why.

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house." Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our livestogether so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

To all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers.

for those that know. yeah. bawling time. btw, thanx rosi.

some things in life are just so hard to deal with.
some things i just hafta learn to accept them.
some things i just cant accept. and this would be one of them.
some things i just cant deal with. they affect other things that are too big for me to deal with.
and here i go.

he gives and takes away.
i will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name.

hello world.
i GUESS im finally back. but i only have 2 weeks off before i start school again. life is SOO stressful! well.. maybe its just cuz i stress too much. how do you stop stressing and stop worrying once you start? its so hard. i cant stop worry and stressing. and i cant not do work. how do i relax? how do you learn something like that? how do you TEACH someone that? telling me to do nothing isnt the way to do it either...i dun think... cuz i get sooo much more stressed from not doing anything that i finally just go do something to be not as stressed. which doesnt help my non-relaxing either. what does it mean to relax anyhow? it sounds to me as elusive an idea as freedom. something that you just cant define but you know what it is when you've attained it. when will i obtain it? will i ever get it?

so many things are flying rite AT me or PAST me. so many people i know i should talk to, but i just cant bring myself to. and the more i look at my reasons for not, the dumber the reasons become, until eventually they just become an excuse or a question of laziness. or maybe even just more trust issues. how do you learn to trust when you dont even trust yourself? its so hard to take things one step at a time, when you dont even know what the step you've about to take IS, or you dont even know what step you're taking rite now. who do i trust? what do i trust in?

how do you tell yourself who you are? how do you find out who you are? how do you remind yourself that you are a child of God and that He loves you SO much? how do you tell yourself that you're beautiful, JUST BECAUSE God loves me? you know that sunday school song that goes "Jesus loves me, this i know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but he is strong" that songs been running through my head. but i cant even bring myself to sing it even in my brain, or whisper it our even sing it out loud. and when i hear it. i just start to cry. and thats that. as i sit here and type now, im crying. "silly girl" is that you're thinking rite? or maybe its even just "you're so stupid" but you know what? i dont care what you say. ive spent too much of my life already thinking about whatever negative things ppl have said to me. and now its time to come clean and to deal with them as they come up, instead of keep them inside of me and remembering them. its good enough to know that God loves me enough for me to send Jesus to earth to die for MY sins and that God loves me enough to have made me in the image of him, and maybe i should just stop calling that ugly. because love, doesnt care about the yuckyness of a person on the outside. since Jesus doesnt care about that in me, maybe i should stop caring about the negative comments then.

somethings in life are ment to be appreciated. and i THANK you. all of you who have made me laugh. especially those in the last week. oh jz. oh how i needed it! thanx. i know i can always count on you for the joys and to split my sorrows.

so.
as i stress about exams.
thank you everyone for being there for me.
heres some lyrics for you.
my dearest dan wrote it.
i like.
its cute. haha.
cya later (thats if i dun die from tomolos exam OR crazy drivers!)

'Till the End By: Daniel Rocha

Sometimes you may not feel the best
Sometimes you may feel need for rest
But I can tell you what is true
Somethin you and I can clue
So follow along...

There are times we cannot bear
There are times that we can spare
But no matter what happens, you know
Just gotta go with the flow

Cuz I'll be there
Cuz I'll be there

We're best friends, so time to journey on
Nothing can stop us, from movin along
Stickin together, we can get through this
Cuz you know, as well as I, Till the end

Sometimes the world shifts on you
Things happen the way they do
So then you decide to change
But I see it differently
So follow along

Just cuz things dont go your way
Life must move, and so must you
But you can assure you're not alone
Pull yourself together, we've all been there

We only live once in this world
So make the most of all you can
Learn from mistakes and do your best
Let's all travel on this road together

'Till the End---

so.
i've had a day of thinking.
so much has happened in the last two days ALONE!
one of my friends is leaving me forever.
one of my friends needs major prayer
i almost died today.
etc.

its been a "fun" and definatly reflective time.
to see God do his wonders.
and to see God bless so many peoples lives, in so many ways.

one thing to NEVER tell your parents?
you almost died in an car accident today.
cheers.

so..my mommy sent me an email today..i think all the guys will enjoy it. hahah!

It's not difficult... To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14 . a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1 . Leave him in peace

have a good day gentlemen! hahaha. sorry. i just find it hilarious...maybe the world DOES revolve around the ladies...hmm...hahaha

something that i was just really listening to today, while being stressed and cramming. this is a song sung by nicole nordman. and i like. wait. i love. i'll sing it for you one day if you need it or if you want me to. smile! Jesus loves you!

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked you once or twice if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you're gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we've marched around our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and i know you could leave writing on the wall thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping, like in soloman's sweet dreams
but i don't need the strength of samson or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now

so.. i've been asking myself, why do i bother to love people, regardless of what it says in the Bible? i just want to stop loving people. anyone and everyone. just stop. but i cant. according to one of my friend (who thinks that they know me well) i'd die if i stopped loving people. that made me wonder..would i really die if i didnt love others around me?

its funny how as soon as one question is answered, you question another thing and another and another. but i saw one of my friends today, and he had a lot to say about something else that im wondering that just told me that it applied to this question too. he told me this story that he read out of "our daily bread"

there was a man, who loved emperor moths, and one day found a cocoon and decided to take it home. as the moth was struggling to get out, the man decided to help it by cutting the cocoon open. but in doing so, he had hurt the little moth. you see. it is through the struggle of comming out of the cocoon that fluid is pushed through the wings and only though that, can the moth truely fly.

its like when the apostle Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. it says

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

so i guess what i really hafta learn is to keep trucking. its very easy to tell other ppl that. trust me. i do it ALL the time. but its hard to tell yourself that. i guess i must keep loving people. "for when i am weak, then i am strong"

oh the sappy one i am. hahaha. this is SUCH a cute song! thanx sammi!

Take A Chance

In Your Final Kiss
I Could Taste The Flavor Of Tobaco
It Was A Bitter And Painful Smell

At About This Time Tomorrow
I Wonder Where You'll Be
I Wonder Who You'll Be Thinking Of

You Are Always Gonna Be My Love
Even If Someday You Fall In Love With Someone Else
I'll Remember To Love
You Taught Me How
You Are Always Gonna Be The One
For Now It's Still A Sad Love Song
Until I Can Sing A New One

When I Stop Moving
I Try To Move On
It's Nothing But Things I Don't Want To Forget

At About This Time Tomorrow
I'm Sure I'll Be Crying
And I'll Probably Be Thinking Of You

You Will Always Be Inside My Heart
Because It's A Place That Will Forever Be Yours Alone
I Hope That I Have A Place In Your Heart Too
Now And Forever You Are Still The One
For Now It's Still A Sad Love Song
Until I Can Sing A New One

You Are Always Gonna Be My Love
Even If Someday You Fall In Love With Someone Else
I'll Remember To Love
You Taught Me How
You Are Always Gonna Be The One
For Now It's Still A Sad Love Song
Until I Can Sing A New One
Now Forever

weddings suck. more like weddings are good and that i suck at weddings.


why?


i cry.



heres some lyrics to think about. haha. or at least made me cry.. for the THRID time today. *sigh* what a cry baby. i know.

As I sit here and think about all that im missing, all that im missing
Got everything that i could ever ask for, but you
as i pass down this bend wondering how you've been, wondering how you been.
but the more that your on my mind im just lonely and blue can u see
why can you be with me to hold me tight,
jus being with you will make everything better and right

i wanna have you by my side
you always make it right
and without you my heart starts to cry
will i ever go on or will i stay strong
do you see without you my soul dies

i sat up all night remembering what we had
but i can sleep a wink im thinkin of you makes me sad
i cant seem to shake you off my mind
just wanna go back in time and just press rewind

i wanna have you by my side
you always make it right
and without you my heart starts to cry
will i ever go on or will i stay strong
do you see without you my soul dies

your all that i want
your all that i need
so why dont you come and be with me

i wanna have you by my side
you always make it right
and without you my heart starts to cry
will i ever go on or will i stay strong
do you see without you my soul dies

if you would like this song, msg me. i send you. haha. on another note? dont ever love someone else. its wonderful when its good...and when its not.. yeah.

this is the word book from one of my favourite works. read them. reflect on them. and if you want, you can share with me what they said to you and what you feel about them.

Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God.Speak ye comfortably to Jerusalem, and cry unto her, that her warfare is accomplished, that her iniquity is pardoned. The voice of him that crieth in th wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.

Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill made low: the crooked, straight and the rough places plain. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together: for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it.

Thus saith the Lord of hosts; Yet once, a little while, and I will shake the heavens, and the earth, the sea, and the dry land; And i will shake all nations, and the desire of all nations shall come: the Lord, whom ye seek, shall suddenly come to his temple, even the messenger of the convenant, whom ye delight in: behold, he shall come, saith the Lord of hosts.

But who may abide the day of his comming? And who shall stand when he appeareth? For he is like a refiner's fire, and he shall purify the sons of Levi, that they may offer unto the Lord and offering in righteousness.

Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name "Immanuel, "God with us."

O thou that tellest good tidings to ion, get thee up into the high mountain; O though that tellest good tidings to Jerusalem, lift up thy voice with strength; lift it up, be not afriad; say unto the cities of Judah, Behold your God! Arise, shine; for they light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. For, behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and His glory shall be seen upon thee. And the Gentiles shall come to thy light, and kings to the brightness of thy rising. The people that walked in the darkness have seen a great light: and they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined.

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, counsellor, THe Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

There were sheperds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and peace on earth, good will towards men.


Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion; shout, O daughter of Jerusalem: behold, thy King cometh unto thee: he is the righteous Saviour, and he shall speak peace unto the heathen: Then shall the eyes of the blind be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped. Then shall the lame man leap as a hart, and the tongue of the dumb shall sing.

He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: and he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. come unto Him, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and He will give you rest. Take His yoke upon you, and learn of Him, for He is meek and lowly of heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls, His yoke is easy, and His burthen is light.

Behold, the lamb of God, that taketh away the sin of the world! He was despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief. He gave His back to the smiters, and His cheeks to them that plucked off the hair: He hid not His face from shame and spitting. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.

All they that see him laugh him to score: they shoot out their lips, and shake there heads, saying He trusted in God that he would deliver him: let him deliver him, if he delight in him. Thy rebuke hath broken his heart; he is full of heaviness: he looked for some to have pity on him, but there was no man; neither found he any to comfort him. Behold, and see if there be any sorrow like unto his sorrow. He was cut off out of the land of the living: for the transgression of thy people was he stricken. But thous dist not leave his soul in hell; nore didst thou suffer thy Holy One to see corruption.

Lift up your head, O ye gates; and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in. Who is this King of glory? the Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle. Lift up your head, O ye gates: and be lift up, ye everlasting doors;. and the King of glory shall come in. Who is this King of glory? the Lord of hosts, he is the King of glory. Unto which of the angels said he at anytime, thou art my Son, this day have I begotten thee? Let all the angels of God worship him.

Thou art gone up on high, thou hast led captivity captive: and received gifts for men; yea, even for thine enemies, that the Lord God might dwell among them. The Lord gave the word: great was the company of the preachers. How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things! Their sound is gone out unto all lands, and their words unto the ends of the world.

Why do the nations so furiously rage together, why do the people imagine a vain thing? The kings of the earth rise up, and the rulers take counsel together, agains the Lord and agains his anointed.

Let us break their bonds asunder, and cast away their yokes from us. He that dwelleth in heaven shall laugh them to scorn: the Lord shall have them in derision. Thou shalt break them with a rod of iron; thou shalt dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel.

Hallelujah: for the Lord god omnipotent reigneth. The kingdom of this world is become the kingdom of our Lord, and of his Christ; and he shall reign forever and ever. King of Kings, and Lord of Lords.

I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth. And though worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God. For now is Christ risen from the dead, the first fruits of them that sleep. Since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive.

Behold, I tell you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed. In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye at the last trumpet: the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immoratality. Then shall be brough to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is thy sting? O grave, were is thy victory? The sting of death is sing; and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

If God be for us who can be agains us? Who shall lay anything to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth. Who is he that condemneth? It is CHrist that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is at the right hand of God, who maketh intercession for us.

Worthy is the Lamb that was slain and hath redeemed us to God by His blood to receive power, and riches, and wisom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing.

Blessing and honour, glory, and power, be unto Him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever.

Amen.

do you know who this is written by? its "copyrighted" august 28, 1741, by a guy who goes by the name, Handel.

so i did a quiz today.

funny how everything i ever wanted, i ever hoped for, i ever wished..is rite in front of me.

funny how its never really that simple.

funny how i never even knew.

sometimes quizes are stupid. most of them mean nothing.
this one was an eye opener.

so ive been doing some searching.

ive found some answers.

some may be right. some may be wrong.

how come i never knew that missing your friends would be such a horrible and tramatic experience?

...maybe its just better if i never had friends...

question.

who do you tell?

btw, my mommy randomly decided to tell me that im getting fat and that my butts too big... o.0 what a day. *sigh*

oks. time for a REAL blog...hahaha. oh dear. its gonna be long..side note:ims mls!

oks. so these past however many days, i havent been around...at least on blogger..hahha. its been a crazy time...since exams in DECEMBER..blah! its like somethings always on the go, and i never stop and sit down. fun times! really.

neways..some ppl, i havent seen in a while, and i see around..but never have the chance to just stop and say hi...well... HIHIHIHI!! sorry. i dun mean to just ignore you like that..but yeah.. sometimes im too busy or im on a mission to do a specific task and i know that if i stop to talk to you....thats all i'll do, cuz i'll forget my task, and yeah.. that would be a failed mission..

sammi comes home soon. and you know what? thats all i need to know. its good enough for me. cuz IMS!!! MLS!!! kekeke. oh dear. the stuff we do.. hahaha "last i checked i was still yellow and healthy" *sigh* she makes my day! thanx sammi!

ive learnt to simply trust in the plan. and now..i think im learning to have faith.. it shall be fun. maybe. learning to have faith is tough.. its harder and bigger then learning to trust in the plan...and that was hard enough to learn... so yeah. so much is on the brain. it shall be a fun period of time while things sort themselves out..

time for bed...cuz we loose an hr. *Sigh*

Advanced You scored 100% Beginner, 92% Intermediate, 87% Advanced, and 58% Expert!

You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score. Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Beginner You scored higher than 99% on Intermediate You scored higher than 99% on Advanced You scored higher than 99% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

especially my dearest sammi!
kekeke
ims! mly!

..more to come ... later...

ok i know im really bad with keeping up with this..but anyone and everyone that cares about my life talks to me so its fine..



..unless your name is Mr. Li and you told me you were gonna call me back...





....and you never did.



but its ok. i still love mr. li...hes not in trouble...yet. 0=D

so this is whats been going on in my life..


ive been doing some thinking. some good. some not so good.

i know what its like to be the last one picked.
i know what its like to be an object to someone.
i know what its like to be forgotten.
i know what its like to just not be in existance to the rest of the world.
i know what its like to be used.
i know what its like to be left behind.

funny how this is all from the last lil while.

but i also know what it feels like to laugh. to smile. to be cherished. to be loved. to be important. to make a difference.

some ppl are worried. others dont know and maybe just dont care.. its fine. im fine. just leave it. if it hasnt gone away yet..chances are it never will.

i just wanna say thank you to all of you who have tried and have fought alongside me, and sometimes just fought it for me, when i thought i couldnt fight anymore.

thank you for taking the courage to do the hard thing in hopes that i'd be better.
thank you for being an amazing person who watches out for me.
thank you for being the angel on my shoulder.
thank you for taking care of me when i couldnt.
thank you for being the shoulder that i cried on, and i still do.
thank you for refusing to stop being my friend, even when i told you to go.
thank you for just being there for me in the hard times.

although i will never forget those crazy days when you helped me to fight it, i cant fight it anymore. its been too long. and i cant fight it anymore. im tired of always crying and always wanting to throw up. i cant anymore. thank you for trying.

soo... its been a while since i posted... lots of things are going on.. lots of things are changing...people, for one, are DRASTICALLY changing.

for example. look at the ppl around you. remember how they used to be? look for the ppl that were once there. where are they now? look at where you used to be as far as how tight you were with someone, or how some person seemed to be from another planet. are they still in that SAME position? i dont think so.

one thing that was said on one of my gurl's blogs. is a lil thing about girls and what they mean and stuff. some of its true for some ppl, others not so much. but the jist of it is more or less the same. haha. well you should know the girl enough to know which applies and what doesnt. quite interesting tho. here you go.... btw, more to come on the ppl being changed and the stuff thats going on..

When a girl......
When a GIRL is quiet,
Millions of things are running in her mind.

When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply.

When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions,
She is wondering how long you will be around.

When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds,
She is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering why you are lying.

When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a GIRL calls you everyday,
She is seeking for your attention.

When a GIRL wants to see you everyday,
She wants to be pampered.

When a GIRL sms's u everyday,
She wants you to reply at least once.

When a GIRL says I love you,
She means it.

When a GIRL says that she can't live without you,
She has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a GIRL says "i miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more than that

Lookin back on my life as i sit at my desk
i would never imagine myself to be so blessed
with an angel from heaven
A gift from God,some one that i could love forever
Be on the first side
you're the first thing i think about when the sun shines bright
And you're the last thing i think about when i sleep at night
you and me princess, we're the perfect team
and i won't hesitate to call you the girl of my dreams
cuz when i need you,you're just a phone call away
when i'm not with you,i miss you oh so much
ang how much you soothe my soul with a simple touch
you will never know just how much you mean to me
But i got the rest of my life just to help you see
i only got one life
I can never have two
but as long as i'm alive i wanna spend it with you

When i have you in my arms and i close my eyes
i wouldn't care if the whole would pass me by
cuz i live to make you happy
just to see you smile
just to make you giggle, i love your style
those late after noons together when the sun just ses
to those early mourning talks
girl you are the best
i'm so amazed that you're psyched
i ask questions too like how can a guy like me deserve a girl like you
i feel so blessed but at the same time so unworthy
i trust you with my heart
i know you won'y hurt me
everything about you is perfect
i love your lips
i love your smile
i cheerish every hug and kiss
and i can't wait for the nights when i can hold you tight
next to me with you as my wife
you're my hope when i'm helpless
when it's dark the light
i give you all that i have
And that is my love and my life

Everynight when i pray, i thank the lord for
you're so rare, sweet, cute and loving too
i'm so privilged just to call you boo
i owuld drop everything just to spend a second with you
i'll be right here for you
even if times get rough
cuz to me always you're the definition of love
you hold the key to my heart
only you can get in
lookin' in your eyes are like the shinning stars in heaven
i would do anything for
cuz girl you're so worth it
looks are great but your personality is so perfect
you're my perfect match
my soul mate, my best friend
you're my infinity on a scale of one to ten
i mean every word that i say
just look in my eyes
the love that we share is never made to die
i just wanna make you happy
baby that's my goal
i'll forever love with all my heart and soul
forever

its funny how you miss some ppl like crazy,
they tell you that they miss you too.
and then they tell you that you're not important enough
and ask you to leave, and deny it when you ask them.

not the first time.
not the last either.
so life goes on.

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

hmm. interesting.

can someone please explain to me whats going on?
its like i lost a part of me, but i havent really..
and these silent tears..who can explain those?
so as i sit here and think of you,
i pray that this is Gods will and not mine.

day twenty.

so. what a day.
a day of laughter, a day of tears
a day of joy, a day of sorrow
a day of anger, a day of peace
a day of testing, a day of preservearence.

that about sums up me for the past few weeks.

lets get a couple things straight.
1. my ring is from my grammie
2. my other ring is a matching ring with my friend in thunder bay.
3. im not getting married. so chill out. IF i do get married, i'll let you know.
4. my life revolves around 3 things: God, family, and school. in THAT order.
5. if you give me crap, dont expect to be congratulated.
6. if i thought i could trust you before, i was wrong. VERY wrong.

thats all. if you have questions, you can ask. dont expect me to answer them, especially if i dont like you very much at this moment in time.

day twenty.

so. what a day.
a day of laughter, a day of tears
a day of joy, a day of sorrow
a day of anger, a day of peace
a day of testing, a day of preservearence.

that about sums up me for the past few weeks.

lets get a couple things straight.
1. my ring is from my grammie
2. my other ring is a matching ring with my friend in thunder bay.
3. im not getting married. so chill out. IF i do get married, i'll let you know.
4. my life revolves around 3 things: God, family, and school. in THAT order.
5. if you give me crap, dont expect to be congratulated.
6. if i thought i could trust you before, i was wrong. VERY wrong.

thats all. if you have questions, you can ask. dont expect me to answer them, especially if i dont like you very much at this moment in time.

day sixteen

what makes you give your last cookie away?
or help me clean my room all day?
why would you let me use your sterio?
or save me the middle of your oreo?

why do you always try to be there
when i really, really need you there, to care?
your always willing to share

love makes a friend, be a friend, like you
love take a friendship,
turns it into something that to last,
your whole life through
love makes a friend, be a friend, like you

what makes you wanna give your heart away?
what makes you open up and say?
all of the feelings that you hold in side?
all the secrets that we try to hide?

why do you always try to be there
when i really, really need you there, to care?
your always willing to share

love makes a friend, be a friend, like you
love take a friendship,
turns it into something that to last,
your whole life through
love makes a friend, be a friend, like you

love makes a friend, be a friend, like you.

thank you to all who have been with me in the last 3 weeks, through everything.
those who have cried with me.
those who have sat with me.
those who dried my tears.
those who comforted me
those who gave me hugs when i needed them.

thank you for putting up with me, my tears, and for being Gods instruments to teach me what i've since learnt.

i know its not always easy to care, especailly for people like me. thank you for all your time in putting my world back together, bit by bit, piece by piece. without the couple of you, it wouldnt have been possible.

if you wanna know what ive learnt, then let me know. i shall tell you.

to life, to love, to hope and joy.

day fourteen.
the day of nightmare.
as fast as it came, it left.
as easily for the tears to come, they stopped.
PRAISE GOD.

my brother is staying for another half year.
PRAISE GOD.

life is easier when you praise God.
in good and bad times
HE gives and takes away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

day thirteen.

funny. that used to be my favourite number.
i dont know if its my favourite anymore.

funny. theres not a lot of things that i know anymore
things that i thought were certain.
like people i could trust
people that i love
people that love me
people that trust me

funny how these things can just be taken from you.
funny how the sun shines like nothing has changed
funny how the moon still comes out at its appointed time
yet nothing inside of you feels the same
nothing feels like it could ever be the same.

lots of people have told me things about knowledge
it empowers you
it frees you
it enslaved me to the past.

its nice to know...
once upon a time...
you loved me and i loved you..and we were friends.
now......im not so sure anymore.

i dunno if i even know who you are anymore
i dunno if i know what makes you smile
what makes you laugh?
what makes you cry?
what brings a smile to your face?

once upon a time, i knew these things.
now i havent the slighest clue.

funny how things changed.

those "forever friends" things and phrases...
... they dun last. their only a gimick.

"forever friends" ha!
it makes me laugh now.
none of what we said came true.

i wish you happiness, health and good fortune for your future.

dun worry.
i'll be around.
somewhere.
if not...
we'll meet in heaven.
for sure.

day twelve

Pieces ~ Sum 41

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

On my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

at least someone else sees eye to eye with me.

day nine. the last day.

if you wanna know where ive gone? too bad
if you wanna know if i died? too bad.
if you bother caring? i dont care.

honestly.
when will ppl stop lying to me?
do you know how much it hurts to be lied to?
do you care how much i hurt when you lie to me?

you. you were supposed to be my friend.
you. you were supposed to be my best friend.
how could you lie to me?

i trusted you. i entrusted everything to you.
and yet you go and do this to me?

this isnt the frist time.
and it probably will be the last time.

how can friends lie to me, if i dun have any?

one person lies. fine. i can deal with it.
two people lie. fine. i mite be able to deal with it.
theres been too many people and too many lies.

time to start it all over, with no friends, no joy, no happiness....nothing.

time to die and find a better place.. a new place.
look for me.
you wont beable to find me.

time to start over, and maybe i will stop hurting.
maybe i'll be lucky this time.
maybe i'll learn to protect myself and my heart better.
maybe i'll learn to just not trust anymore.
maybe i'll be strong
maybe i'll be able to stand on my own

for all time.

day eight.
very very bad.
why must i cry?
why must i care?
why do i hurt?
why do i love?
how can i smile?
how can i laugh?
when will it stop?
when will i heal?
who can stop this fighting?
who can bear the pain?
what will it take?
what will it for us to turn back to Him?
where there is peace, there is joy
where there is God, there is love

day three of a new life.
so far so good.
no crying... yet.
*crosses fingers*

whats new?
some ppl need to learn to shut up
some ppl need to stop being stupid
some ppl need to use their eyes
and some ppl need to sit and chill out a bit.

i need to stop missing some ppl so much.
what does missing them do?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

would they care that i miss them?
would they care that i miss their voice?
would they care that i miss our talks?
prob not.

and so life moves on.

something someone once sent me.

a heart is a fragile thing.
that's why we protect them so vigorously,
give them away so rarely,
and why it means so much more then we do.
some hearts are more fragile then others;
Purer, somehow.
like crystal in a world of glass,
even the way they shatter
is beautiful

day two of a new life.
funny how leaving things behind isnt always as hard as you thought it was. or maybe i've just out grown these people. so no matter what they hafta say to me, it wont make a difference to me. funny how you used to value certain people, and it was hard to drift appart. but now that we are seperated, it feels perfectly fine. so maybe i dont miss them as much as i thought i would. maybe one day, God will bring us back together again and then we can see how we've grown and how having them in our lives wouldnt have made a difference to how we turned out to be anyhow.

its funny. why does it hurt so much more when they say things about you, instead of saying it to your face? so ive been left behind from their lives. and their in the process of being left behind in mine. so we have these superficial meetings and events where we think the world is flat and everything is as it should be. but is it really?

would you miss me if i was gone? would you care if i just never talked to you again? would wonder where i went if you never saw me again? funny how you say that i matter when the answer to all those questions is a big fat no.

some of you dun have time anymore. you know what? im swamped with stuff to do as well. but i thought that our friendships were worth saving and setting aside time for. i guess you didnt.

some of you think that what you think is going on in my life is more accurate then me telling you. congratulations. why would i try to show you what my life is really like?

some of you thik that friendships are maintained through information filtered through the grapevine. uh. no. not true. you always need to get informatioin from the source. not from whoever you wanna get information from because you cant be bothered to deal with things or help your friends through their problems or to share in their joyous moments.

some of you think the ocasional "how are you?" is good enough. it is...if all you ever wanna know is that your friend is still breathing and their heart is still pumping. too bad for you, their not dead yet.

i try. i honestly do. if you know about mg, then you know what im talking about. well you know what? its working. im walking away. and im never looking back.

day one of a new life.
so far so good.
nothing horrible yet.
i just realized how many stupid comments some people can come up with.
they want you to think a certain image about themself.
i believed in that image of them.
funny.
now i dont.
i see more then what they want you to believe.
oh dear me.
somethings are just better not knowing.
sometimes, somethings just catch you off guard by THAT much.
do you think that they will know that im avoiding them, if i keep this up?
do you think any of them will miss me?
do you think i'll miss them?
do you think that im strong enough to do this?
so many questions.
no answers.
wait.
wait and see.

some people think they know me.



they think they know who i am.

.....do they really

do they really know what i think?
what i feel?
what my opinions are?
what i fear?
what i love?



it amazes me how some people think that just because theyve known you for a while that they know whats going on in your head, in your life, and in your heart.




NEWS FLASH. not true.


do you know why i feel shattered?
do you know how i almost lost my mommy?
do you know how i almost died? or how many times i almost died?
do you know how i feel when you snap at me?
do you know what i care about the most?
do you know what my aspirations are?
do you know what makes me truely happy?
do you know what makes me feel better no matter what?
do you know who you are to me?



please. dont define me in your terms.
just because you think im happy, doesnt mean i am.
just because i seem to always be doing something, doesnt mean i know what im doing
just because you choose to assume all things are well, doesnt mean all things are.

you know. i believed. i advocated. i urged others. and yet, here i am. the past holds me. it holds me accountable. its like that song.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel"

kinda sad when you relate to songs that well. its like they were written for you. i try. i honestly try. and i tried. i tried hard. but what difference does it make? none. none of it makes any difference, no matter what i do. so why try? beyond me. honestly. heres a thought.

I've done evrything as you say, I followed your rules without question, I thought it would help me see things clearly, but instead of helping me to see, i look around and it's like I'm blinded. I'm spinning out of control...out of control. I'm spinning out of control...out of control.

Where should I go? What should I do? I dont understand what you want from me. 'cause I dont know if I should trust you or all of the things you've said to me. and I may never know the answer to this endless mystery. Where should I go? What should I do? I dont understand what you want from me.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control, try to focus but everything's twisted. and all along I thought you would be here to let me know I'm not alone but in fact that's exactly what I was. I'm spinning out of control...out of control. I'm spinning out of control...out of control.

All alone and spinning out of control. Out of control...

you can tell me what you think. what you feel. what you think that I should think, or what i should do. but let me tell you know, and consider yourself warned. whatever you hafta say to me? i wont be listening. all those times i listened to you, all those times i thought you wanted what was best for me. never again. i was supid once. but you cant be stupid forever. i now know.

Sadness has overwhelmed me
But my thoughts carelessly
Imagine that you’re happy
With your life right now
I guess that’s just the way life goes
Forever’s gone so now I must
Place you with all the things
That I could never have

its the hardest thing i'll ever have to do
to look you in the eye and tell you that i dont love you
its the hardest thing i'll ever have to lie
to show you no emotion when you start to cry

some of you have asked whats wrong. heres my list. hopefully, it'll all look better in the morning.... cross my fingers.

-im heartbroken. dun ask why. it may not be what you're thinking. so dun jump to conclusions so soon.
-im weary. i cant bear much more of this.
-im stressed...and...worried. theres soo much going with too many loose ends and potential for error... some of them fatal.
-i have a class conflict..and theres nothing that can be done about it...so screwed.
-apparently its ok for people twice my age to just bully me and to harass me. and im just supposed to sit there and take it. o.0 news to me. not happening. i dun think so. bite me.
-im comming down with something. im getting sick.. and its stupid. cuz its like why? whats wrong with me? im slowly fading...
-some people need to stop nagging. honestly.
-issues are building up...some of them not so good. some habits are back, some arent, some people are back, some arent...you know the drill...

and thats my list. wonderful. and now that you all know whats wrong maybe i can just forget it all and just move on. tomorrow will be a better day.